Whats wrong? What should i do?

[Feelingalone83]

Hi..
Im writing here because i need opinions. My gut tells me I'm not loved my heart, keeps lying to me...i don't know what to do
My name is G, I'm 30 years old and have two children from previous relationship
I have a new relationship since december last year
I meet P online. He was great, our first dates went great, feel in love with him very fast because among other things, he was there for me in a very difficult situation i was going thru at that time..
He used to be so in love with me, he used to pay me compliments, he used to buy me gifts, call me 10 times a day, he used to be very romantic...i fell in love with his so bad
In february we moved in together...and thats where everything changed...
Slowly he stopped complimenting me, he stopped kissing me, holding my hand, talking to me,seeng me...
Now I'm 2 months pregnant, i am very depressed and don't know what to do. I cant get to him, i tell him every day what i feel and ...we end up fighting, he said he still loves me but he never shows it to me...Never!
Im gonna try to give some examples of his behaviour and how he has changed

Sex...sex in the beginning was great, he was so committed to me, to my needs, he used to say thats what makes him happy and satisfied...now sex lasts 5 min and its nothing to do with me....it feels like he is miles away and he does it just because...he needs it from time to time...sometimes once every 2 weeks and i usually start it.

Romance...its just not there, we don't even kiss anymore for days..
I remember one day at his house, beginning of our relationship...he hugged me tight once and said thats something he could do forever, he loves just to hold me....now he never does it anymore and if i hug him, i feel how all he wants its for me to let him go

I went out with some friends, i had my hair done, nice makeup, nice outfit...he not once said: u look good baby...nothing! He doesn't even see me anymore

When we used to walk on the street he was pulling my hand to his hand, he looked so proud to have me...now we walk like strangers...and when i ask him why he doesn't hold my hand anymore, he says 'I'm not a holding hand person'

Im 30 y old and he is 48. He used to have no problem with that, now when i ask him why he has changed, why he treats me like that, why he doesn't compliment me anymore, why he never has anything nice to tell me, why our evenings are always the same...he ignores me and watches tv and i just wait around for him to need me, to talk to me....he tells me : maybe its the age difference, maybe we don't have anything in common. We have different needs....You are to sensitive, you want to much, im not the touchy touchy kind of person...

I used to cry my eyes out, ...i cried so manny nights...while he just snored near me in bed, he doesn't care when i cry, he doesn't seem to have any emotion, any empathy for my pain...nothing
I stopped crying, i realise now that i cant cry anymore...last evening he came home. He sat in front of the tv with his ipad...he hasn't said a word to me
I asked him if everything is alright..he said yes, i asked again, he almost shouted at me....everything is fine... And thats all the conversation we had..i felt so hurt again....but i just couldn't cry anymore,. I went up and went to sleep...i didn't wanna see it anymore, i wanted to pretend he didn't ignored me...I'm pretending so much that everything is ok while I feel i die inside..
After all this, if i ask him if he still loves me...he says yes..where is that lovE? Why isn't he showing it? Does he even love me ?
Im devastated, i hate being home, i hate the evenings when i know he will come home and ignore me and i know that will hurt me...

Thats just the short story because now...i do feel like crying..need to stop a bit

Didn't want to read and run but going out in a bit so need to be brief.

I think you need to read your OP back to yourself and then ask what advice you would give if you came across a thread like that on here....

To me he sounds emotionally detached and quite cold. He seems to have changed his whole outlook. I think you need to seriously ask yourself what you are getting out of all this. Baby or no baby, I think I would be formulating an exit plan unless the man that you first met came back....

Thank you for the reply..
When i look back at what i wrote i think to myself that i am stupid for accepting to live like this
He sometimes tells me...if u only criticise me then maybe we shouldn't be together....this is who i am, stop talking about the past and living in the past...( he actually gets really angry at me when i remind him a thing he kept saying to me in the beginning...he used to say ' baby I'm gonna make you so happy, you will love me so much..i promise')
.
If i would read someones post and it would be like mine i would tell her to get out of it....but i guess i need to hear other opinions...

He said i changed...i dont see how..
I used to love cooking for example..now i cant be bothered to cook for him anymore and the reason is...because every time i spent hours in the kitchen for him, he comes to dinner, eats, says thank you and leaves....when i used to ask him if the meal was good, the only answer i always had was ' it was all right' thats all! That frustrates me and makes me think im not good enough....thats once change...i don't feel like cooking for him anymore like i used to..

In the beginning i wasnt always complaining...thats another change but...i had nothing to complain about....

Im the beginning i used to dress smart all the time, nice dresses, make up etc...he told me a few times that i should stop doing that and start wearing jeans and leave the dresses for special occasions...i did that and now he doesn't see me anymore...jeans or smart dress...I'm never good enough to get a compliment...that frustrates me...

Ill come back i

I understand it is easy for anyone to say 'leave', not so easy to do so.

From what you have written I seriously doubt that he will ever go back to being the person he used to be. I suspect it was all an act to get you where he wanted you. And even if he did change, would you feel confident in the relationship? I doubt it, you will always worry he would go back to treating you badly.

So, (with the benefit of bitter hindsight) my advice would be to get legal advice and make plans to leave.

You are getting nothing but unhappiness from this relationship.
Well.... it's not really a relationship at all is it??
You are unhappy and you need to leave.
You are young enough to start again.
Are you financially independent? Do you work?
Do you have family and friends around you?
You need to talk to people in real life and get their opinions too.
You need support and you need to get out sooner rather than later.
Things will NOT change. You have now realised this.
You do not really need any of us to tell you that this is not OK.
Do you want to spend the next 20 years living like this?
Of course you don't. You deserve to get away and find a man who will treat you like a princess all the time - not one that does it until he thinks he has you trapped!
You are not trapped. There are ways to get away.
Do it and do it now!
Good luck and congrats on the baby. Oh.. and he won't be any kind of good dad either. You'll be expected to do everything and look after the house.
Does he help at all with domestic duties?
I think he's moved you in to be his housekeeper. Stop doing it.

Sweetheart,
I had exactly the same kind of relationship. The first few months were wonderful. Then........nothing. No affection, no acknowledgement of my feelings or needs, punishment through silence.
I put up with this for 16 years!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I hoped it would go back to the way it was in the beginning. It took me that long to realise that the beginning was the falsehood, not the man he 'changed' into.
PLEASE don't do the same. You & little one deserve more.

Wow...now u got me down..but you are right. Thats all i am... Houseworker
He doesn't do anything in the house...he doesn't do shopping but u have touched a very sensitive subject...I'm financially dependent of him....and he knows that.
He gives me 150-160 pounds a week for my petrol and shopping for the house...and thats all i have from him
Since I've been pregnant he started coming out to help with the bags from the car when i go shopping...if at 9 i realise we don't have milk...he never offers to go and buy it, i do it. I asked him once to hoover the house...he moaned and didn't like it and in the end he did only one floor.
I wanted to work, before i got pregnant i wanted to work as a carer, i got a baby sitter for my little girl. Done 3 days of training but then when i told him i got to change the car insurance..he said its not worthed, he told me a story of how he cant make this car insured for business as he already has one insured business and he cant do it for mine too ( my car is on his name, the insurance is on his namr and im named driver because when he got this car for me he said insurance on my name would be to expensive)
So i gave up the ideea of becoming a carer because among others, i was supossed to get childcare for my daughter and because they wanted me to start work at 7 and he doesnt agree for me to leave my 10 y o son home alone in the morning so i can go to work
He hasnt said once, we will work it out, we will see, i will try too help...
He lets me do what i want as long as it doesnt desturb him or he doesnt have to pay for childcare for my little girl.
I get some money from her father but its a on and off thing and i am not always sure of those money . I am thinking now of keeping that money for...who the hell knows what will happen but im afraid to tell him that because he will be angry on me.

He used to be so sweet...he used to say such big things....you shouldn't have to ask for money, i want to be a father for the children, i am gonna make you so happy....i used to love him so much and now im just....so confused
When i used to tell him how he hurts me...for one day he used to try and change....and then if he held my hand...it seems so fake...i saw no emotion in his actions...i feel so stupid for leting it get so far...i should have left him long time ago..i left to holland to my sister in june...after a problem we had...
He let me there ignored my msg, with no money, nothing for one week...and next week i told him I'm done, I'm not coming back and it is over..that was the point when he started fighting, telling me he knows what he has done wrong, that he cant lose me...etc etc..i was such a fool to come back....
Now i came back and leaving again..means messing up my son's world, his school, his life....we are not english, my son had problems adapting here, for months he had social problems, a bit of OCD, it took me months to get him on the right path and now he is happy here, i cant go back to romania as there is nothing there for us anymore...my sister in holland asked me to go live with her. But she has financial problems anyway and children of her own...i cant go back to her now with 2 children and one unborn...it would be t much for her and i cant work in holland untill 1 of january when the law changes about romanians working there

If I understand you correctly, you met in December 2012, moved in together two months later (Feb 2013) and it's now only just October... so that's less than 10 months from meeting to having children together? I'm sorry you're in such a rotten relationship but it's a case of 'marry (partner up) in haste, repent at leisure'. The person you're now with is the real him so the decision is do you cut your losses and resettle your son somewhere else or do you stick it out and endure more misery. I really hope you choose the former...

Oh dear - this really does get a lot lot worse the more the write.
He is completely abusing darling!
You need to contact Women's Aid - their phone number is 0808 2000 247
And you need to contact Citizens Advice - 08444 111 444
You need some support from these organisations to make your exit plan.
Maybe try to get yourself a part time job.
You could waitress during a lunch service or pub work at lunchtime.
Go to your local shops, bars and restaurants and ask for work.
You need to start saving your own money to get away from this.

My love, this is a classic abusive relationship.

You have to get rid of him asap, no matter what your feelings are!

Seriously! Whatever it takes, you end it now.

We'll all help you through, and I promise you won't regret it for a second.

End it.

You can get help (I think) until the end of the year, and then perhaps consider holland?

They do have good maternity cover there if you qualify.

Whatever happens, you have to end this relationship.

He could kill you, or harm your kids.

Really.

Thank you all for the reply. Haven't been here yesterday because i started bleeding and spent my afternoon in the A&E. The baby its alright doctor said it was from an older fall down the stairs....i have a scan on monday to make sure
About all u said...you are right. I will leave him. I want to wait a few months and see how i can sort myself out and what help i can get to raise my children untill a point when i can go to work. Unfortunatly childcare is so expensive here. I have thought about it alot and its true, i need to get out of this. Ill right back when i get some ideeas about what i can do

,

You met him in Dec and had moved in by Feb.
Classic mistake. How can you know who he is by that stage????
Good luck with extricating.
My advice for the self esteem...
Sit down every day and repeat 'I love myself' thirty times. I am a good person etc. allow the energy in your head space to change.
Stay away from him and go away when he starts being mean xxxx

You weren't a fool to go back the first time. Of course you wanted to believe he had changed. People can, and sometimes do. But now it's clear he only said it to save himself the trouble of having to train up a new servant, you would be a fool to stay. This cold bastard is who he is.

Hello again
Hissy. I spoke to my sister and she said i have to wait untill i give birth. Have my baby registered on his name and get financial suport for the baby
There is nothing for me in holland yet untill 2014
I will try and stay here after that date because i think alot of things will change but if not, i will consider holland..
About him and th children. He has 4 daughters of his own from 2 previous marriages and he is a good dad, there for his kids when they need him
He has been great with my children too. He loves my daughter, he treats her really well,teaches her things, makes her laugh, cuddles and kisses her.
With my son its a bit diferent because he is much older. He is 10 y old and he its not really interested in P's attention like my little girl is but P treats him well, gets involved, tries to have chats with him but....u all know what 10 years old are into...games and tv...not chats with grown ups

Sometimes i was looking at my daughter's laugh when he plays with her,i love seeing that, her father was never interested in her, he is loaded but never flew to uk to see her and for evelinne, P is just like a father
Alot of times i said to myself that i should be able to live without love if my children have it...i know its wrong somehow but..thats why i forgived him so manny times

You girls were talking about having a child and moving in with him so soon.
This baby wasnt planned like my other 2, i wasnt expecting to get pregnant but from the moment i saw the two little pink lines, i loved this baby so abortion was out of the question for me, i wouldnt do something like that ever...i know some people may judge me buti did have an abortion once and it affected me very badly,i feelt horibile with myself, i couldnt go tru that again. I love my children , the three of them...

Something2say,i admit, it was a classic mistake, i cant go back and undo it....
I do tell myself every day that i am worth more, i do tell myself im good enough and sometimes it works.
Ive go a few friends who also lift my moral and my opinion about myself and make me think he is a fool. Every time i meet my friends they all tell me how good i look, that there is something about my Romanian look :)) it works, i know im good enough and not just for the looks....i think he is blind and he doesn't realise what he has got until he loses it
I know he takes me for granted...

I just stoped him from what he was doing and asked him why he doesn't say a word to me for days unless i talk to him
The answer left me without anything else to say
'Maybe i have nothing to say, I'm not a chatty person, if ive got nothing to say, i don't say anything. Don't know what ive done wrong...
I feelt my eyes filling with tears and i refuse to cry so...i just let it go....there was no point in continuing the conversation...

You do realise that you can have a man that loves you AND your children, right?

A good man, a kind one.

Not this piece of shit that you're settling for!

Please, being alone, keeping your dc safe (by NOT exposing them to this abuse of you) will serve you all far better than telling yourself that if he makes your DD laugh it'll be ok.

That's not a life! Is that what you'd hope for your daughter's future? I bet not.

Show her what she's entitled to, by demanding it for yourself. Look also into the legalities of registration of the newborn in his name and make sure you do the best thing for that child.

Putting a father's name on the birth cert isn't always the best thing to do.

It's for money, Hissy.

How can you be so nasty somethingtosay?

Didn't anyone tell you if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing?

How about a nc to nothingnicetosay?

Mind you.. if that was the rules, Mumsnet'd shut down overnight!

Fucking hell, something, that's out of order.

Are you in the uk or holland OP? I wasn't sure. Because if in the uk then you don't need to put him on the birth cert to get child maintenance, and you don't need to stay with him in order to put him on the birth cert. if you split now I'm sure he would still want to be named as the father.

Somehing2say i think your comment is unfair as you dont know me, who i am and what kind of mother. U cant say im in this for the money because you have no ideea. I wouldnt and couldnt acuse someone so easily if i were you but then again, we are all different, you have got the right to your opinion because i actually asked for but im not here because i didnt know how to get money out of it...
Thg reason i made that comment about staying , geting his name on the birth certificate and ask for maintainece wasnt because i wanted the money but because this baby has the right to have a father on his birth certificate and not just a line and because when i told P one day that im leaving him, he said he wants nothing with this baby if he has to be away from him/her
Its because i've always tried to do whats best for my children, because no matter what happend in my ex relationshio i always encoraged my ex to be a part of my children's life and not just with MONEY. Ive done alot and i gave up my pride alot of times for my children to have a relationship with the father. I want the same thing for this baby IF its in my power.
I can leave tomorow and after the baby is born, make him declare his son/daughter in court probably but you know what? I dont think i would be able to do that, i dont think i would wanna fight it so bad if he doesnt want to. He does want this baby, he wanted it from the moment i told him im pregnant...so i am gonna let him try if he wants to.
Ther reason i asked him that question today is because i wanted to see whats in his mind...
We already live a separate life, we sleep in the same bed but nothing happens, we stay on the sofa in the evenings with the kids and they play around . My children dont feel its anything wrong and untill i decide to leave, i wanna keep it this way, i dont want my son to know anything untill i know what i am doing
Its so easy for some people to judge, i get that , maybe i have done it with other people but untill you live my life,try not to judge..help of u can or just wak out...if i am doing anything wrong in your eyes, there are other ways to say it then acuse me im in this for the money because i am not.
I am married with someone with alot of money, someone who wont divorce me because he still hopes we will once be toghether again...im not going back to him and i wouldt. He would offer me the world, money, cars, clothes, baby sitters....would even take me with the third child but i dont trust him. Thats why i left him and thats why i would never go back
Ifi would look for the easy way to get money, thats the 'easy way' and i have no intention of taking it...so stop judging! Not if u dont know all the facts
I am for now very desapointed on how fast u jump to criticise me...
I loved P...thats what made it so hard and i am sure we all make mistakes when we love...that doesnt make us monsters but makes us human.
Good night everyone

Hissy, i know there are man out there that can really love a woman. I got the best example in one of my brothers in law... I love him to bits...some man are amazing even after 15 years of marriage...somehow in the last 10 years i dreamed of someone like him, who would make me happy like he makes my sister happy but...i havent found one for me....so...yeah......i just havent had that luck..to be loved ...i heard some 'i love you' but havent really feelt it...