Whats wrong? What should i do?

[Feelingalone83]

Hi..
Im writing here because i need opinions. My gut tells me I'm not loved my heart, keeps lying to me...i don't know what to do
My name is G, I'm 30 years old and have two children from previous relationship
I have a new relationship since december last year
I meet P online. He was great, our first dates went great, feel in love with him very fast because among other things, he was there for me in a very difficult situation i was going thru at that time..
He used to be so in love with me, he used to pay me compliments, he used to buy me gifts, call me 10 times a day, he used to be very romantic...i fell in love with his so bad
In february we moved in together...and thats where everything changed...
Slowly he stopped complimenting me, he stopped kissing me, holding my hand, talking to me,seeng me...
Now I'm 2 months pregnant, i am very depressed and don't know what to do. I cant get to him, i tell him every day what i feel and ...we end up fighting, he said he still loves me but he never shows it to me...Never!
Im gonna try to give some examples of his behaviour and how he has changed

Sex...sex in the beginning was great, he was so committed to me, to my needs, he used to say thats what makes him happy and satisfied...now sex lasts 5 min and its nothing to do with me....it feels like he is miles away and he does it just because...he needs it from time to time...sometimes once every 2 weeks and i usually start it.

Romance...its just not there, we don't even kiss anymore for days..
I remember one day at his house, beginning of our relationship...he hugged me tight once and said thats something he could do forever, he loves just to hold me....now he never does it anymore and if i hug him, i feel how all he wants its for me to let him go

I went out with some friends, i had my hair done, nice makeup, nice outfit...he not once said: u look good baby...nothing! He doesn't even see me anymore

When we used to walk on the street he was pulling my hand to his hand, he looked so proud to have me...now we walk like strangers...and when i ask him why he doesn't hold my hand anymore, he says 'I'm not a holding hand person'

Im 30 y old and he is 48. He used to have no problem with that, now when i ask him why he has changed, why he treats me like that, why he doesn't compliment me anymore, why he never has anything nice to tell me, why our evenings are always the same...he ignores me and watches tv and i just wait around for him to need me, to talk to me....he tells me : maybe its the age difference, maybe we don't have anything in common. We have different needs....You are to sensitive, you want to much, im not the touchy touchy kind of person...

I used to cry my eyes out, ...i cried so manny nights...while he just snored near me in bed, he doesn't care when i cry, he doesn't seem to have any emotion, any empathy for my pain...nothing
I stopped crying, i realise now that i cant cry anymore...last evening he came home. He sat in front of the tv with his ipad...he hasn't said a word to me
I asked him if everything is alright..he said yes, i asked again, he almost shouted at me....everything is fine... And thats all the conversation we had..i felt so hurt again....but i just couldn't cry anymore,. I went up and went to sleep...i didn't wanna see it anymore, i wanted to pretend he didn't ignored me...I'm pretending so much that everything is ok while I feel i die inside..
After all this, if i ask him if he still loves me...he says yes..where is that lovE? Why isn't he showing it? Does he even love me ?
Im devastated, i hate being home, i hate the evenings when i know he will come home and ignore me and i know that will hurt me...

Thats just the short story because now...i do feel like crying..need to stop a bit

Sounds to me like he's an abusive man who got involved with you and now regreats it.

You'd be better off without him and so would your children.

Been reading and reading your msg...ive decided to change something
I cant leave yet because i would have no where to go but decided to make myself happy and stop expecting what i will never get from him
Im spending my time with my children, chatting with my sisters on skype, doing what needs to be done around the house, read, watch tv...im keeping myself busy and i do the same thing he does. I ignore him but in a polite manner
I dont search for conversation anymore, i dont seek his aproval anymore and for the first time im months im actually feeling better and i hope it will last
As soon as he realised that im diferent, not expecting anything from him, he is starting to change a bit but for the first time, i wont fall anymore
2 nights ago, i went to bed before him, i do that now as its much better and the pregnancy is anyway making me very tired
He came to bed while i was sleeping, he put his hand on my hip...and i just ignored it and keept sleeping. Woke up in the morning sufocated, he was huging me so strong...again i ignored it
Before, when he used to touch me in sleep, i used to think...ohh he is changing....but all he wanted was a once a month sex......but i had hope
Whenever he used to touch me , very rare, i used to hold his hand and be all happy for his touch...now im not anymore because i know it doesnt mean anything, he cant hurt me anymore if i dont let him do it
In the evenings i put my earphones on and watch a movie...he actually tries to talk to me, i give him same short answeers and then ignore him...just like he used to do with me
I know its all fake and i know that the second i give him attention again, he starts beeing himself again and ignore me and that would make me feel bad for beeing stupid one more time so..i will continue like that....it doesnt hurt anymore.....

I'm glad you've found a way to cope for now, until you can get away.
Keep it going because, no he won't change.
Keep strong and keep focussed on your escape!
Well done.

He's doing that classic abuser thing of trying to pull you back in because he senses you're pulling away from him.

Well done you for seeing through it.

I really recommend you read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft

There seem to be some free downloadable bits on that link, they might give you some insight into this man's behaviour.

The Five Love Languages

It's a start, then you could introduce going out with your friends and leaving him to stew, take up a hobby, or even better use your free time to retrain so that you never fear for the future on your own again. Going from one bad relationship to the next is not a healthy cycle to get stuck in, totally make your own life.

Your issues go way beyond this guy, and I think its shameful (but probably typical) that there are people on here being intellectually dishonest for the sake of the sisterhood, and accusing him of "abuse". What abuse?... The he won't just hand her more money every week, and tell her how pretty she looks every day?...That's abuse?

You have known him for less than A YEAR. You make it sound as though he has somehow completely dismantled the great life you had before him, even though everything you have done since - including the pregnancy unless he raped you - was completely within YOUR power.

What did you do he apparently began to ruin your life...10 months ago? What were your plans? Did you have any that didn't involve getting pregnant?

Far too late for this nonsense. I'm off to bed.

ola not sure what thread you've been reading.
Typical abusive behaviour here.
All loves and wonderfulness to begin with.
Move them in quickly.

All she does is housework - he does nothing around the house at all.

She is finacially dependent on him and he knows that!

He won't help her get a career started. Won't even insure the car so she can try to get to work!

He stonewalls her all the time.

By the way feeling you shouldn't need your car insured for business.
Depending on what kind of carer you are you may be OK with normal insurance which includes commuting to and from a place of work.

Keep going and keep strong.

hellsbellsmelons,

Sorry if you think my view is overly-harsh, but it certainly isn't an ignorant one. From her own words, the OP is HER own victim. I am not for a moment suggesting that this guy is perfect or even a 'good' guy, but the rush to treat her as HIS victim does a disservice to those men & women who truly are truly victims of abuse and exploitation.

How did she become 'financially dependant' on a man she has known for only 10 months? Did she give up a great life to jump into his snare? What entitles her to expect him to pay her car insurance? - that's just galling. Presumably, somebody pays for the house/flat right?... I'm going to guess that isn't her.

As much as you might want to believe it, he doesn't seem to be keeping her prisoner. If his love and contribution to the housework is insufficient for her needs, she can leave and go back to whatever life she had all of 10 months ago. When the child is born, she can ask him for child maintenance - that's his duty/penance. She doesn't deserve anyone to feel sorry for her. She's a 30yr old woman who keeps making bad decisions, and yet people are queuing up to validate her and blame a man they don't even know for the consequences. Its pathetic.

I hope you're not a lawyer or if you are, you don't work on domestic abuse cases ola.

Because you clearly know FA about it.

People usually make "bad choices" for a reason and of they do it doesn't excuse other people being abusive towards them

I dont think there is any need for a harsh discussion here.
Olathelawyer
I see you dont understand what im talking about because maybe you are like him, very pragmatic who only thinks but does not feel much
When feelings are involved things become harder and bad choices sometimes seem the best ones in life
I havent come here to be judge on my life, its mine, my mistakes are mine and from these mistakes i will soon have 3 beautiful children .i a, not sorry for anything i have done and i dont expect you to undarstand me
When me and P decided to move in toghether i had alot of doubts BECAUSE i would have been financiary dependend on him but he made sure i undarstand that if we move in toghether everything he owns is mine also ( kind of like in a marriage) i didnt agree with that, told him many times he cant say that because i havend given any contribution to what is his. He insisted this is not how he sees things, he made such a song and dance about what relationship means to him and how wrong i am
I was NOT complaining about how much money he is giving me per week, i was just saying how the financial situation is because someone asked me if im financialy dependent on him
Things started diferent then they are now and i dont expect you to undarstand what im talking about
He promised me the world ( and im not talking money here )

Hellsbellsmelons- i was asked to change my car insurance by the company i was going to work for, the company who provided the training.

Guys..i need you to undarstand that at that point, i thought it is the best decision in my life....he was saying all the right things, he was undarstanding, he was mature enough not to see life as a game, he liked my children. They liked him... he was aproving everything i used to say about how i see life, he was treating me like a princes, he used to look at me in a way that was melting me...he has done all the right things...
Bestsonever
I did started going out a few weeks ago when i meet a few mums from my son's school
They invited me out on friday evening and i went...he didnt comment
Yesterday for the first time in ourr elationship, i wasnt home when he arrived
I was at local pub with some of these mum's and the children for a meal...
I came home one hour after him...he hasnt text me, call me to see where i was and when i got in, he didnt ask where i have been

Most of us here understand - you do not need to justify yourself to us.
We can all (ish) see this for what it is.
You are getting out and about and making friends which is great.
You have a coping mechanism in place for now.
Keep going and keep strong and you can get out when it's right for you.
We are here to support you - honestly - listen to the MNets that are offering you support - that's what this board is for.
If you need any practical advice then ask away - there are loads of knowlegeable women on here that can help with that as well.

Hellsbellsmelon
Thank you very much, moral suport is very important to me. Practical advice i dont know what i can ask but knowing someone is reading my thoughts and tries to help in any way they can, means alot
Last night he gave me a very bad news...he told me we might need to move to Bristol , 2 hours away from where we are now....i was so sad...i wanted to shout and scream because he said we wont be moving from here unless i want to because dani my son had problems adapting and he is finally happy here. I said nothing thou...wanted to hide my thoughts so i just tried to storm out as i needed to go to chemist for a cream for my son...on my way out the door he stoped me, pulled my hand, huged me and said 'you know i domt wanna go either but its work' i said ok and left....
This morning had a early scan to see the baby if everything is k because i had some bleeding last week...he couldnt come...he said he has work and cant leave and he will come on 21st of october to the one we had planned already,..i didnt care anymore
Came back so happy, i saw my little baby swimming, saw his little body and his heart beating...that made my day...came home and started cooking a dish from home..just for me as my kids dont eat this...and P..i doubt he will ...
For the first time in ages im actually doing something for myself....not ironing, no washing...just spent 4 hours cooking this and smiling thinking of my baby
The move should be in february..i hope something changes by then....dont wanna think about it

Simple.

When the time for The move comes, HE moves.

You don't.

You have until then to get yourself independent from him.

Hissy i cand get independend of him while im pregnant...he wont accept me looking for a job and im running out of time...my bump will be showing soon...he wont get me childcare for evelinne to go to work and with my income..around 400£ i wont be able to survive with 3 children...its true he would be paying maintainance but still wont be enough...i need to give birth before even considering working...even then i dont know who is gonna watch my children
A friend of mine from my country said she would come for a few months after i give birth to help me, he doesnt know yet, he doesnt accept such thing, me telling him i cant cope and need help after i give birth...but when time comes, i will do it either he accepts or not and then , having her in the house and paying her around 80 pounds a week to take care of children when i work, i will be able to go look for a job without needing him to do anything
On the other hand, rent is much cheaper as u get closer to wales as here its very expensive...if i work i can get some kind of benefits to help me get by andwith whatever i will make out of a job, maybe i can make it on my own and get out of this life..im thinking every day, planning and planning....will do everything i can to get control of my life again but wont be easy..

Remember, get rid of him, you can do what you want to.

Call woman's aid and ask for help/refuge etc.

I will...i will call them...i dont wanna live like this...i desirve more...

Yes you most certainly do deserve more.
So glad you know this now.
I don't think Bristol is a particularly cheap place to live.
But get all the information you can so you can make your plan.
So you just start to make friends and go out more and you have to move!? How convenient for him. Isolate you again!
Do what you need to do to get by but do call Womens Aid and Citizens Advice!
Keep us updated with progress.
And very very pleased that baby is OK.
And also glad you aren't being his slave so easily anymore!

Im sorry i haven't wrote anymore...
Here is some update
He is becoming worst and worst
He is treating me as i am invisible, he doesn't talk to me at all for days...
He stopped giving me any money for the house..he said he is skint..
On friday something really weird happened
He has been on a diet. Stopped eating with us, cooked himself only meat so our dinners have not been together anymore.i eat with the kids, he cooked for himself and eat in the living room
On friday i wanted to eat some crackers with butter and cheese ( he didn't eat butter in a week)
I used the last butter for my crackers and he walked in the kitchen and asked me where is the butter..i told him there isnt any anymore...he slammed the fridge door so i told him i will go get some if he wants but i didn't knew he is still eating butter...
He stormed out of the kitchen...i just sat there thinking that he hasn't given me any money the whole week and i only had some coins and then thought..i don't feel like going out...
I asked my son if he wanted to to to the shop and get butter....and P heard me...he said its ok ill go, but angry so i told asked him if he can get some milk too . He said 'whatever'
So i asked him why he talked to me like that
The answer shocked me. He started shouting saying 'you only have 2-3 things to do all day, one of them should be check if we have everything we need in the house
I told him i didn't have any money...to buy anything
He said he doesn't either and he knew i had about 30 pounds ...i told him i payed for my little girl pre school ( she absolutely loved it) so he went mad, why did i pay for that when we didn't have money?
I told him we never have money for my little girl and she is almost 3 years old and she never goes anywhere to play with children. She is all day int he house with me and she deserves to go for 2 mornings and play. It was my money so i don't see what the problem is....
He stopped talking to me from that moment...

Yesterday he wanted to build a toy that he bought for my son. A very complicated toy that needs adult supervision...and he needed a drill for it...
He just went out and bought the drill...so i guess he did have some money. He has money when he needs them...
Ive decided to let myself homeless in january when he decides to move to bristol...i, not gonna take this anymore. I rather live in a shelter and start a new life then continue with this life. He treats me like a servant and nothing more..this morning he started touching me in bed...it made me feel sick..i had to stop him because i knew i cannot do this anymore...he rejected me for to long, he humiliated me, he abused me emotionally...i cannot sleep with him anymore...i look at him and wonder where is the man i fell in love with, how is it possible to let myself get here,
Im done. Im gonna risk it all and I'm going to struggle for a long time but at least i will mot have to put up with a man who treats me like this.
I wrote an email to woman's aid. They replied telling me to call them for advice as they can not say much in email. I will do it tomorrow when him or my son are not home...i will see what they tell me...

Well done. You've taken the first step towards freedom from this awful man.

Art you entitled to uk benefits?

Next thing you know he'll be complaining that he's in a sexless marriage. And that will be your fault also.

You're doing the right thing.

Wow guys what a night!
Yesterday he spent all day in bristol with his girls
When he came back at at. He said hello and sat in the living room , opened his laptop and he was ready to do what he always does. Ignore me
I told ok out of the blue that im going out, im not gonna be ignored anymore, this wont be another night like this
He started telling me who do i think i am and why i think i can go out as i please...i told him JUST LIKE THAT. IM GOING OUT
I LEFT..wemt to local pub where my friends were...spent one hour and half there and i got his texts to come home as he wants to leave. The kids were asleap. Told him ill be there im 15 min for him to go
When i got home..he said its to late for him to go..
U told him we are over, im not gonna live like that anymore. Told him i dont love him anymore and he is been torturing me for the last months and IM DONE with it
First he was mean, told me my baby is a mistake, that when we are done he doesnt wanna see me anymore, he will not be om baby's certificate...he wanted to scare me..
I told him FINE
And walked out crying..he called me again to come back as he wants to leave...went back home and then..
He told he he is sorry, that he has financiary worries and that he has become impotent and couldnt tell me
The reason he has never touched or kissed me was as he said because he was afraid i would make a move on him for sex and he would have been humiliated not to be able to perform
I told him i would have been there for him no matter what if we would have had other things to hold on to but he hasnt left me with anything, with any reason to love him and telling me all this now doesnt help at all because the way he has been treating me like i was some mud on his shoes.
He said he loves the baby and will be there for him. That he was afraid he is gonna lose me...alot of nonsense...i told him its to late...we talked untill 2 and then told him i cant do this anymore..explained to him again everything that i have ,missed in the last month and how nothing can come back anymore...that his sexual problem wouldnt have been a problem. We would have worked it out toghether somehow but at this point im no longer interested im him....
Was a long hard night..but he got it. He doesnt want me to go...but i dont wanna stay
Dont belive in his apologises anymore or in any change he might promise to me....
Today we go for a scan on my baby. He said he wants to be there, told him i would mever keep him away from his child. He can be as involved as he wants to but with me..its over
We will see what happens next....i feel so much better...i could say all it hurted me so much and because he knew he was losing me, he had to listen for the first time.....

I'm impressed OP, that you didn't fall for the script. He tried everything to pull you back in but you stood your ground, well done. He's probably going to turn it up a notch now, but it's all part of the script. Stay strong. Keep reading over this thread.

You are so brave to stay strong and not just melt into his arms, I hope you get away. I feel he may change for a few days then turn back nasty I hope I'm wrong.