Feeling blue (mum trouble)

[DeckSwabber]

My mum and I have always had a bit of an arms length relationship. She's not a very warm person. In the past when I've tried to confide in her about things I have always felt that it was a mistake. She has left me out of a few pretty significant family events, etc etc, and recently she told me she doesn't need a 'family' because she has her twin . I have been to a counsellor about this which was very helpful.

However, she's elderly now, widowed, and can't live alone, so she recently moved in with her twin sister. I gave up most of my summer to sort this out (which I am fine about - my choice) and I have taken over her 'affairs' including getting her house on the market. I thought that this was a good opportunity to improve things while there is still time.

She has health concerns which are really worrying her, so when a long awaited appointment came through I said I'd take the day off and take her to the appointment, with her sister for moral support.

Today I phoned her about something else and she told me that she is getting a lift from her nephew instead (the nephew knows I want to take her myself as I had already phoned him to say so) and I'm not to come. She had actually written me a letter but I hadn't received it yet. I explained that I have already booked the time off and I would like to be with her, but she just said her nephew was taking her. She could tell I was upset, and that it meant a lot to me to be there, but she wasn't going to budge.

I am being unreasonable I know but I feel that I have been left with a lot of responsibility for her financial stuff and yet have no relationship.

Her sister barely speaks to me, though she is polite enough, so I can't appeal to her for comfort or support.

Just feel really, really sad.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Your mum is playing passive aggressive games with you, and its no doubt to do with her own inner unhappiness. She is deflecting her feelings onto you as a scapegoat for her ills, regrets, anger, whatever it is. Dont fall for it. The more you do for her, the worse it is likely to get. It sounds as if you love your mum, and you know how she is as a person. I hope you have other supportive family members and friends, and hard as it is, you can find a way not to focus so much on your mum's attitude towards you. Its unlikely she will change. Passive aggressive people feed off the sadness they cause to others. Maybe its time for you to take and step back and focus more on looking after your own emotional wellbeing.

I don't understand what goes on in my mum's head. She isn't actively or deliberately nasty, but its as if she doesn't think for a second about other people's feelings (well, mine, anyway). What upsets me most is that I end up feeling needy around her because I get so little from her emotionally.

She is a very popular woman in her own sphere and has loads of support, and I think that makes it very easy for her to avoid facing up to difficult things. Her twin sister, in particular, is always on hand to tell her she's in the right.

As for loving her, I think my real fear is that I don't love her. I would like to but I struggle to find the feelings because of how she is.

Her health issues are around cognitive function so I may have very little time left.

I can't go no contact because I'm looking after her affairs.

Well, there's a turn-up.

I had to talk to nephew about another matter. I also told him I've been sacked from my daughterly duties and out came the whole story.

I was expecting to me told not to be so childish but he didn't. Nor did he tell me I am a selfish cow or neurotic. He completely saw my point of view.

He's going to talk to my mum and tell her, nicely, that she is in the wrong.

I actually can't remember a single occasion (at least not since I was a little girl) when anyone has stood up for me like this to my mum.

It made me cry.

(I'm 48 ffs).

No real help here OP, just a hug for you.

Although it feels nice for you to have someone on your side, you need to accept that NO ONE can force your mum to have a relationship with you. There are wiser ladies than me who have toxic parents / poor relationship with their mothers who will understand your feelings and tell you how they have coped with them.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I want to give you good advice but all I can focus on is that your mum has a twin sister and that she seems to be the main focus of her life.

I have a twin, we are both married and have children who we adore but we are closer to each other than we are to our spouses and probably even our children.

Your post is really helpful to me for when I get older in letting me know I need to consider my daughter's feelings in the relationship I have with my twin.

Right now, it's seems like your Mum is being well cared for and she has organised her care.

Be there for when she needs you. Enjoy your bonus day off - treat yourself and have a lovely relaxing day. I'm sure your Mum will let you know when she needs you, right now it appears that she is fine.

Again, your post has really made me think. I know that my daughter is already jealous of the relationship I have with my twin and I will try to manage this.

Garcia I have looked in vain for some information on the impact on the children of having a twin as a parent and I have found nothing. If my post has helped, it was worth posting!

The weird thing for me is that the twin hasn't been very visible to me until my mum moved in with her. She is not an aunt to me in any active sense. She has no interest in my children, doesn't send me or them birthday cards or anything (not that I mind - I'm just explaining). On big occasions (the death of my father, the death of my stepfather) she has pitched up and shooed everyone else away. Otherwise they haven't spent birthdays together or anything until they were both widowed.

I appreciate I can't force a relationship but my mum relies on me now to look after everything. I deal with her financial affairs, I'm getting her house sold. She's been sweet as pie while all that has been going on, so I thought things were improving. I need emotional support to get through this, and frankly I feel conned that she thinks it ok to exclude me from things that actually I need to know about. How can I look after her money and make decisions on her behalf if I don't know about her health? And, no, I can't rely on her twin to tell me.

Neither of the twins are in good health. they are in their eighties. Whether I like it or not, this is how things are now and its only going to get worse.

Luckily the nephew is being fab. He wants me to be involved (probably because he doesn't want to end up responsible for his MiL AND MiL's twin sister) and completely gets my emotional need to have a mother/daughter relationship.

It sounds to me as though you are perhaps (understandably) trying to force the relationship and expecting one back in exchange for the help you are giving on the house stuff.

It doesn't work like that unfortunately. You can't make you mum include you by doing things for her. She sounds like a strange lady and this is probably something you will need to accept because at her age she is unlikely to change.

You can help with the house stuff if you like but your unlikely to get anything back in return. Certainly you cannot buy a good mother daughter relationship this this.

Or you can back off and leave her to it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, i don't mean it to be.

Pants I get what you are saying. I did go no contact for a short while a few months ago because the situation was getting on top of me and I went to see a counsellor to help me. That helped a lot. I feel I can deal with her being emotionally 'closed-off'.

Most of the time you wouldn't notice anything odd - she knows how to behave and ask the right questions etc but I think she just doesn't feel it. That's ok with me. I keep phone calls and visits short (though she lives 90 miles away). I try to respect her boundaries.

I met one of her very good friends when I was clearing out her house. She saw my car and called in to see how my mum was. The friend said my mum never talked about me or my kids and she knew almost nothing about me at all.

Its vanity I suppose but I sometimes worry that people think I'm a really crap daughter because of the way I sometimes adapt to the situation.

One trivial example was that when she was 80 she had a party which she didn't invite me to (I offered to throw one for her, but that is a whole other thread) but I offered to come and help and to make a cake for each of the twins. So there I am cooking, washing up and handing round drinks, and my brother and his family turn up to the party as guests (uninvited I might add, but that is how my brother adapts to his situation). I feel like the waitress. I lost count of the number of people who asked my why I hadn't brought my kids to my mums birthday party and I ended up feeling like the baddie. I was dying to say 'because they weren't fricking invited!' but I held my tongue.

Oh great.

Now I have had a telling off letter from my mums twin for upsetting her.

Actually laughing now. Fuck 'em.

That's awful and not trivial AT ALL!

Another rant from me.

Aunt has called me about progress with the house sale. No reference to her vile letter (which I haven't responded to - I just have no idea what to say that wouldn't cause more upset). She put me on to my mum who told me that she has had a fall down the stairs. After a bit of probing it seems she had run out of her medication, which led to a vertigo attack.

Its worrying me that she isn't getting proper care, while I'm being shut out.

Spoke to my cousin (Aunt's daughter) for a long time last night. She was nice enough but not helpful. Didn't see any cause for concern over the fall (which she knew about but had not told me about). Seems like she and her husband don't see much of the twins except for a passing 'hello', and despite promise from Nephew to speak to the twins this hasn't happened. Not very reassuring.

Also I'm cross with myself because I find it impossible to talk to the Twins without feeling the anger and the hurt.

I don't know what you can do apart from not invest so much of yourself emotionally.

Sorry i know that's not that helpful.

Apologies for resurrecting an old thread. Easier than starting from the beginning.

With the support of my cousin's husband I went to the hospital with my mum. This went 'ok', though Twin Aunt was a bit edgy.

Mum has to get her results soon so I booked the day off to go to the GP with her. She already had an appointment booked for other stuff so that was fine.

Then I had to book a lot of house stuff and worked it all around the appointment.

So then I discover that the appointment has been changed, to a later date. This is all my fault because I've arranged the house stuff to 'clash'. It doesn't clash.

So after a circular discussion with my mum I get called by Aunt.

The GP appointment is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

Long story short I have learned that she has hated me since I was a 'little girl'. I have done terrible things which include:

• When my mum moved into her sisters house I lent my mum a portable clothes rail while they were waiting to get a wardrobe sorted. I should not have brought such a thing into HER HOUSE. Its HER HOUSE although my mum is in the process of giving up her own home on the basis of having a new home with her sister. The clothes rail STOPPED HER GETTING INTO HER SISTERS ROOM. It didn't. It kept my mum's clothes off the floor.

• I should not have brought my mums clothes over in the first place, as there are too many clothes. I was told at the time to just bring it all over and they'll sort it out. I knew there were too many clothes and tried to do some sorting beforehand and actually took carloads of stuff to the charity shops. But apparently, I'm supposed to have got her permission to bring any of my mums stuff over, even tough it was my mum who asked me to bring it. (I should add that I begged the aunt to spend some time with my mum before the move to help her sort her stuff and she couldn't because it was 'too hot'). Going to my mums house and then to my aunts house and home is a 250 mile round trip, so I really didn't bring more stuff than I could avoid bringing.

• I should have informed her if I wanted to go to the GP with my mum, because she is my mum's 'OFFICIAL CARER'. Not sure what that means.

• I have bourgeois left wing views.

• She has always felt this way about me.

I lost my dad when I was 14. She was bitch then. She told my mum to send me to school the day my dad died.

I lost my stepfather 3 years ago. She told me not to call my mum while he was dying. She also told me that my children (16, 14 and 12 at the time) would not care about him because he was 'just an old man'. He was their only grandfather. They saw him a lot and were very upset that they were kept away from the hospital and never got to say goodbye.

Oh you poor thing!

How do you feel about all this? Could you talk to your mum? Would she hear you?

You need to talk to your mum to find out if she shares these views or whether your aunt has been maliciously undermining you for years.

Nothing you have talked about I'd trivial. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you would be best walking away from them both.

*is

She's a horrible vicious evil person. I agree that you need to know if your mum shares these views and if her sister has been saying similar poisonous things about you to your mum.

My guess is that she has always felt jealous and threatened by you and so has been putting a wedge between you and your mum.

Its creepy!

She is your mother. You deal with her financial affairs. It is right and proper for you to take her to appointments etc. Her sister is presumably not able or suitable to drive her about. Her views of you are of no importance to the situation (however horrible she is trying to be). Ignore her and carry on regardless.

If your cousins are willing to make sure they are not being manipulated into doing what you should be doing, you should be able to form some sort of alliance between you. After all I am sure they do not want to run around their aunt as well as their mother unnecessarily.

I really do feel for you, this is not easy and probably will not get any easier. I hope you can get some support irl to deal with this. You might not be able to make her love you, but you should be able to do your daughterly duties if that is what you want to do. Hope things improve for you.

Thank you. I have been in pieces this evening. Luckily a good friend who knows a bit of the back story took me for a walk and let me vent.

Mum's twin sticks to her like glue. Now that mum can't drive my mum is pretty helpless as they live in the country and she doesn't know anyone who isn't a friend of her sister. She is in a mess. Her memory is going. She's very anxious all the time. However, she has also made her own bed to some extent - she hasn't always been a loving mother!

I am not sure I can actually get my mum on her own long enough to have a sensible conversation. She is very much under her sisters influence, and I have had my eyes opened about that. And some.

And is there any point? Perhaps I'd be better just getting the house sold and leaving them to it.

Jeez. Suddenly a lot of things are falling into place with a really hard thump.

I have just looked up 'bourgeois'. I think my Aunt is confused.

What did the letter say? If you showed it to your mum, would it show your aunt up?

I'd get them both in front of me and ask the aunt what it meant when she said she'd always hated me etc.. make her explain herself, and make sure not a single insult she made is left out.

There is no reason i can see for your aunt to dislike you so much and to be so horrible to you. Its all her and this weird ownership thing she has going on with your mum.

She sound quite crazy!

Boohissy I'd love to do that but firstly I am in the middle of selling the house so I have to focus on that, and secondly it would distress my mum very much. She's at the stage where she struggles to find words for even very straightforward things and gets panicked very easily.

The letter opened with 'You have really upset your mother' and is a weird ramble about my mums health and how it is HER job to look after her, and a strange justification of why I shouldn't go to the hospital (mostly about irrelevancies such as not having a map). She's accusing me of causing distress.

[actually the visit to the hospital was very pleasant once we had the scan over with - we all went out for a nice lunch and she was really buoyed up afterwards].

My sense is that my Aunts hostility to me has been making my mum feel uncomfortable and upset when I'm around or phone.

Unfortunately my brother throws fuel on the flames because he also queries everything I do with my mum/the house, making everyone feel very insecure all round.

Thanks Just. She has been a shadowy figure in my life until now, so its very odd to have her swoop in and take over. Its like she just wants to erase me from her sisters life.

I also wonder if she is really capable of looking after my mum. She is a very clean and tidy person and cooks good food, but she expects to have total control of my mum's life, which is emerging as issues over what furniture is in her room, who goes to health appointments etc.

I really feel for you OP, what a terrible situation to be in. Your aunt sounds vile and as a daughter of a mother with a twin, I don't understand why she is behaving like this towards you, it's terrible.

One thing did spring to mind though - money. What will happen to the proceeds of the house sale? Do you have power of attorney (or whatever it is called) over all of your mother's financial affairs? Have you seen her will? Could it be that the sister is trying to alienate you & your brother in the hope that in her frigile state of mind, your mother signs everything over to her to be left behind for her children?

I can't imagine how painful this situation must be for you and how much it must make you worry. If I were you, part of me would want to cut all ties for self preservation but I think you need to stay completely involved, despite the aunt's vile behaviour and despite your mother's strange attitude towards you as I fear she could be in danger of being taken advantage of. I'd be taking the aunt to one side & having it out with her, no matter how old she is.

You have my sympathies, it's so sad that your mother can't appreciate what an obviously loving & caring daughter she has.