Feeling blue (mum trouble)

[DeckSwabber]

My mum and I have always had a bit of an arms length relationship. She's not a very warm person. In the past when I've tried to confide in her about things I have always felt that it was a mistake. She has left me out of a few pretty significant family events, etc etc, and recently she told me she doesn't need a 'family' because she has her twin . I have been to a counsellor about this which was very helpful.

However, she's elderly now, widowed, and can't live alone, so she recently moved in with her twin sister. I gave up most of my summer to sort this out (which I am fine about - my choice) and I have taken over her 'affairs' including getting her house on the market. I thought that this was a good opportunity to improve things while there is still time.

She has health concerns which are really worrying her, so when a long awaited appointment came through I said I'd take the day off and take her to the appointment, with her sister for moral support.

Today I phoned her about something else and she told me that she is getting a lift from her nephew instead (the nephew knows I want to take her myself as I had already phoned him to say so) and I'm not to come. She had actually written me a letter but I hadn't received it yet. I explained that I have already booked the time off and I would like to be with her, but she just said her nephew was taking her. She could tell I was upset, and that it meant a lot to me to be there, but she wasn't going to budge.

I am being unreasonable I know but I feel that I have been left with a lot of responsibility for her financial stuff and yet have no relationship.

Her sister barely speaks to me, though she is polite enough, so I can't appeal to her for comfort or support.

Just feel really, really sad.

Hissy is absolutely right that you can only do what is possible.

You are right that everyone is so upset because what you're saying is true. A lot of people are deeply allergic to the truth and your family certainly sound like they are.

So all you can do is see what's is going on from your POV and safeguard your own mental health, as you say. Your mother is giving you so many mixed messages it's impossible for you to know where you stand.

You could possibly try and have a conversation with her where you spell it out to her that your sole concern in all of this is her welfare and you have no other agenda, and ask her what she really wants of you. But she sounds very enmeshed in all these weird dynamics and I think you'd be unlikely to get a rational response.

Btw, is your aunt the older twin?

Yes, my aunt is the older twin. After 81 years, those 20 minutes count for an awful lot.

I was drowning at the weekend - just feeling completely overwhelmed by the situation - but I've taken a step back and feel a bit better. I don't ever want to feel like that again.

I agree that I need to have a chat with my mum and make sure she understands that she needs to decide what she wants, and if she wants to see me she needs to make steps herself to make that happen. Its hopeless as long as I have to make all the moves.

Hi Swabber, have been meaning to reply to your last post but was unwell and then family stuff took over... You know how it is!

Anyway - yes, I thought your aunt must be the older twin. I've heard of this dynamic before, where the older twin is clearly dominant - like you say, it's by such a minuscule period of time, you wouldn't think it could have such an impact, but apparently it can do.

I'm glad you felt a bit better for taking a step back and I hopes that's continued. I really agree that you have to do that, for your own mental health. The whole situation sounds so distressing - both in terms of your understandable concern over your mother, but also the horrible situation for you personally, with all quarters attacking you in various ways as if you were the one scheming against others, while in fact you sound like almost the only decent and sane one amongst them all. From the sound of it the nephew (your cousin in law?) is probably the only other one who has been really reasonable and tried to do the right thing.

The situation with your mother and her twin is worrying and sounds to me controlling and like it could border on/become emotionally abusive - the changing of the goalposts re the conditions of her living there, and denials that what was originally said was actually said, for example. But you can't help her if she won't let you, as you know. Have you thought about maybe talking to your mum's GP about the situation? It might be a good idea to have some of this on record so that there is outside support available if necessary. That letter your aunt wrote may go some way towards demonstrating there is a problem if her tone was sufficiently batshit. Or even if it wasn't, depending on how astute the GP is!

One last thing - I'm guessing your aunt is so vile to you because she feels threatened by you, because you could have come between her and your mum. Not that it sounds like you really have, more's the pity, but as her daughter she probably resented your possible closeness to her twin. Especially if she likes to be in control. The fact she has never taken any interest in you or your DC is a telling sign, and also pretty bloody awful. And your mum's treatment of you is pretty awful in many ways too, but you already know that, I think. Hope you're finding your way through it all.

Thanks Talking. It feels like you've got it about right. I will think about talking to the GP.

I offered to take my mum Christmas shopping but she didn't respond

Now fretting over what to get them for Christmas. I know whatever I choose will be wrong, but 'nothing' seems wrong to me. I've been looking at the Oxfam Unwrapped site with great interest.

www.toilettwinning.org/twin-your-toilet-now

Jus' saying...

www.toilettwinning.org/twin-your-toilet-now

Clicky linky

Lol Hissy

Given that you're right Swabber and whatever you choose will, indeed, be wrong, an Oxfam gift sounds a good idea - at least someone somewhere will get something they need that way!

Well, quite! And its not a horrible present. I would far rather receive an Oxfam goat or sponsor a loo than have more landfill in my house myself. I'm sure there will be an acid comment but at least I won't have wasted my money entirely.

Hissy - you are plain naughty!

I have a lovely gift in mind for my mum but its very personal.

:)

I saw an advert in a service station loo on my way back home a month or so ago.

I think - all jokes aside - that it's a superb idea.

And yes, I immediately thought of Mumsnet when I saw it!

I agree that my aunt probably has mental health problems but that goes a long way back, and I see no sign of dementia in her.

My mum may not have dementia either - the scan showed some changes but above all she is incredibly anxious which can produce the same symptoms. I had hoped that with the move and not being on her own things might improve but now I think she is a lot worse.

She is trying to get me out of the picture now, suggesting that I pay someone else to look after her affairs and offering to pay me for the work I've done so far (obviously I refused payment!). Everyone agrees I'm doing a good job, the house is nearly sold - fingers crossed - and I've kept on her advisor so I don't really know what she thinks I'm going to hand over. I am her attorney so its my responsibility to act in her interest and I think its in her interest for me to keep an eye on things.

If I could walk away now, I would be very tempted to do so.

Meanwhile my brother is looking forward to going up there for Boxing Day + 27th with his young family and in-laws while I've been told 'no visitors'.

Wow. I found that very painful to read - my chest actually hurt! - and I'm not even involved, don't know you, don't know anybody. I can't imagine how painful it must be for you - pure agony, I wonder how you can stand it. I would find it nigh impossible to be hovering around an emotionally absent parent only to be repeatedly, and coldly, rebuffed. It's all very well to say 'don't take it personally' but I just wouldn't be able to sidestep being deeply hurt by it.

Your aunt sounds one toxic individual and, by the sound of things, that toxicity has pretty-much infected the whole family (except you! There's always one...); diluted, perhaps, but she is the queen of toxicity from what you say.

But how much of the current situation is the twin's machinations? What sort of inadequate hates a 14yo girl? You may feel you can take that terrible letter on the chin but attacks on our character, especially of when we were children, can go deep.. especially as you have had an emotionally absent mother, so it is a sore point. This is all your aunt's stuff, of course... but she has a lot of power over your mum at present. With hubble and bubble next door. Brrrrr the whole thing is ghastly. Plus your brother, who is useless from what you say (more than useless if he's pitching in to tangle everything further; as if it isn't tangled enough!)

I wonder if you might contact Help The Aged to talk through elder abuse. What you describe is exactly the same as domestic abuse - isolating, controlling etc - and your mum is vulnerable, so all the more easy to control. I would also definitely raise your concerns with her GP. The relevant authorities eg GP (= social services), Help The Aged, could then perhaps stand between you and this awful dynamic and take up the slack.

Do you have support in your life? You need it, drum it up if you don't have it already. Perhaps look at ways to step out of being in the direct line of fire - could your brother have POA? (even with his greedy madcap schemes). I don't think it's an exaggeration that your mental health is at risk here because the situation is hideously toxic, and if it's going to cost you a packet (ie lost inheritance) then so be it - it may go on care fees anyway. I genuinely think a dynamic like this could destroy you and it may be better to step away. Perhaps then get back into counselling to work through this awful and deeply painful legacy? However, peace may reign once you're out of their poison.

I'm so sorry you've been dealt such a painful hand. btw I am a twin and the best way I can describe it is that I was born with a viper. It certainly looks like your mum was born with a viper, too (though she sounds pretty viperish herself tbf )

Sorry, very long post

It is so terribly sad and I really would keep yourself as distanced as you need to be to cope. I think your Mum knows you are in the right and sees who her sister really is but just can't cope with that reality and seeing it through.

I am going to see through the house sale, and then give my attention to my boys until after Christmas. I am a single parent with three teens. I think THEY can have my attention for a bit, and I need a break.

Then we'll see what the new year brings.

Good plan, Swabber. Will be much more rewarding thinking about their presents! Although as teens I guess they're pretty clear about what they want

You and I are actually around the same age, but my DS is only 6, so it's still full on Father Christmas mode in our home. The quest for lego begins...