Feeling blue (mum trouble)

[DeckSwabber]

My mum and I have always had a bit of an arms length relationship. She's not a very warm person. In the past when I've tried to confide in her about things I have always felt that it was a mistake. She has left me out of a few pretty significant family events, etc etc, and recently she told me she doesn't need a 'family' because she has her twin . I have been to a counsellor about this which was very helpful.

However, she's elderly now, widowed, and can't live alone, so she recently moved in with her twin sister. I gave up most of my summer to sort this out (which I am fine about - my choice) and I have taken over her 'affairs' including getting her house on the market. I thought that this was a good opportunity to improve things while there is still time.

She has health concerns which are really worrying her, so when a long awaited appointment came through I said I'd take the day off and take her to the appointment, with her sister for moral support.

Today I phoned her about something else and she told me that she is getting a lift from her nephew instead (the nephew knows I want to take her myself as I had already phoned him to say so) and I'm not to come. She had actually written me a letter but I hadn't received it yet. I explained that I have already booked the time off and I would like to be with her, but she just said her nephew was taking her. She could tell I was upset, and that it meant a lot to me to be there, but she wasn't going to budge.

I am being unreasonable I know but I feel that I have been left with a lot of responsibility for her financial stuff and yet have no relationship.

Her sister barely speaks to me, though she is polite enough, so I can't appeal to her for comfort or support.

Just feel really, really sad.

P.S just read again what your wrote about the aunt sticking to your mother like glue & you being unable to get you mother in her own. She's your mother and if you want to spend time alone with her, I'd be telling the aunt to wind her neck in, pick your mum up and go out for a drive. The aunt's desire to control your mum's affairs and the ridiculous things she's having a go at you about make me seriously doubt her state of mind (the whole clothes business??) and question whether she is fit to care for your mother. Certainly as she has already had a fall. I don't have much experience of dealing with care for the elderly but I wonder whether it's worth getting some advice from social services or an organisation like help the aged.

The more I think about your situation OP, the more cross I am for you and the more I worry that that aunt doesn't have your mother's best interests at heart.

OP this is appalling! These people sound absolutely crazy to be honest. Are you still having counselling? Have you read any useful books like Toxic Parents ?

As far as I can see, you owe your DM nothing at all, and I'd advise you to do what you can to step back emotionally (if not in every other way too). Please don't turn yourself inside out trying to make sense of it, or trying to make yourself feel ok about it - it's not ok!

Sounds like really, really sick dynamics between twins which has lasted into their old age. It's as if they were becoming a couple and excluding everyone else (and your aunt seems to have been waiting for this opportunity her entire life).

You say that your mother hasn't always been loving and that you are afraid that you may not love her. I think talking to someone about these issues would help you. But I think you need to get used to the idea that you are not a priority for your mother, in emotional terms.

I don't think moving in with the Aunt is a good idea, I don't think she's likely to be cared for, and you already have been pushed out of the knowledge circle when things have happened.

A frank conversation with your mother is required, before it's too late. She needs to go into sheltered care or a proper facility.

I wonder if your Aunt is completely and utterly jealous of you, perhaps she competed for your Mum's attention after you were born and unsurprisingly at that time you won????

Thank you again. You are all being lovely!

I've actually had a very productive discussion with my brother (who is appalled!), and we have been making plans to complete the move without me coming into contact with Aunt.

I have financial POA but not health (not sure why!) so I was thinking of writing to GP asking for her to speak to my Mum to get permission to fill me on medical stuff over the phone.

When the dust settles a bit and I've got more time I'll try to establish some kind of regular visiting pattern which involves me taking my mum out for a couple of hours every so often. It's a 180 mile round trip for me so I can't just pop by.

I don't think money is at the heart of this. Both are comfortable. I sense that it is more about control, and my aunt's fear of loneliness.

Its a shame in a way that they didn't buy a property together that they could share equally. My aunt is making a great deal out of it being HER HOUSE, even controlling what items my mum is allowed to bring into her own bedroom.

Somehow you need to stay in the loop because there will very likely be a time when them sharing a house isn't enough for either or both of them help and welfare wise. Check out nursing homes nearby so you have a short list of suitable ones if/when the time comes - could be years off but it's something difficult to do long distance.

BooHissy my mum can't live on her own and has rejected all the alternatives.

We (the twins respective children) all thought that while it was not ideal, it solved the problem of loneliness and 24 hour care until one or both needs more help. Aunt's daughter & Son-In-Law live next door so in theory there is support.

I think Aunt just didn't realise what it would mean having her twin move in after 60 years apart.

Its a mess, for sure.

I think you and your brother need to come to a full appreciation of the situation here and present a united and totally 'manned-up' front, to both Aunt and your DM.

Simply, they don't get to treat you like this, or you'll leave them to it.

Try to detahc, you'll get hurt otherwise I fear!

Well, things feel much clearer after a couple of nights to sleep on it. I got a horrible personal attack but I've stopped taking it so personally.

My brother is totally on board, and it seems he's been experiencing some odd behavior himself.

My cousin is fairly sure my Aunt did know I was expecting to go to the GP with my mum to collect the results of her brain scan, and is equally appalled that my Aunt has changed the date.

(My Aunts explanation was that she had changed the date because I had mucked things up by booking an appointment to see to house things the day before, even though it means mum will have to wait another week to get her results).

At least we all know that my Aunt is unhinged. I mean, who would deliberately delay someone from getting important test results just so that they can control who goes to collect them with her?

So she's changed the date to one you won't be able to make?

Can you change back?

Yes she has. I'm fairly confident its deliberate.

I'll have to think very carefully before being too directly confrontational about it or it'll just be all out war.

The scan results should be available by Tuesday so I COULD see if I can get an earlier appointment so that she doesn't have to wait two more weeks.

The scan is to see if she has dementia or not and will help determine her treatment, so as you can imagine we all want to know the outcome. However, the symptoms could be anxiety related so I don't want to add to this.

What a horrible mess.

Your Aunt sounds awful & your mum doesn't sound capable of making decisions which are in her own interest tbh.

If she's moved to her sister's house, what if sister becomes ill & needs to sell it for funding?

That aside, your mum isn't being cared for.

Can you stop the house sale and get her away from her sister & near to people who actually care about her?

I think her sister thinks she is doing a great job and feels extremely threatened by other people's involvement or perceived criticism. One of my worries is that it will prove too much and she will make herself ill rather than ask for help.

Its a total shock to me that she expected her sister to give up all her possessions and family to move in with her - she gave no indication of all this before hand. My mum isn't even allowed to choose her own furniture.

When the house is sold we'll have the cash to buy somewhere more suitable (perhaps near her children), sheltered housing or residential care. She can't go back to her old house - its too big and too far away from any family. However, it would be massively traumatic to force a move.

I suppose if it really is you mum's decision, then you have to be prepared to leave her to it & be there when it all falls apart.

If you think that she's being coerced/isn't capable of making the decisions, then you need to step in now.

I'm trying to get wider family to step up and get involved as I don't want this to become a battle between me and Twin Aunt, and there is enough history between my mum and me to doubt myself. I need my mum to talk to others about what she thinks.

Hi - just catching up on this.

You seem to be doing your best to go about things in a sensible manner, DeckSwabber. I wonder if the aunt feels threatened because she does really have a problem? No one can look after someone else by turning away help (nor by agressively driving them away!)

Hope you get some support from the wider family - you really are doing a good job in a very difficult situation.

Thanks summer. Its been a bit strange.

Brother has taken on board the need to do more with the move, so that's good. I'm still doing my share and all the paperwork, phone calls etc. He actually spent the day with mum yesterday, having not seen her for ten weeks.

OTOH, rather than being 'totally on board' (how naive was I?) he appears to see it as a problem between me and Aunt, and won't see the wider picture. Then he shocked me by saying he would only 'back me up' if I agreed to 'back him up' with his plan of what to do with the proceeds of the house sale. He knows I don't agree with his mad and irresponsible idea. Its not our money, we might need it for care home etc and I know that my very risk-averse mum would not like it. When I said they were two different things and could we discuss the money later he went off on one and told me I upset EVERYONE. Basically, he is now agreeing that I am the problem.

[I have now suggested he puts his proposal in writing and we'll look at it alongside the other options we discuss with my mum. He has not responded to this].

My mum has decided that the problem is that I'm 'overtired' because I've been doing too much. Its her way of saying she doesn't blame me, which is as good as I'm going to get and it'll do. She phoned me to ask when she is going to see me again, which I couldn't answer, not least because I genuinely am busy (and exhausted) and my brother is doing the jobs which involve coming into contact with Twin. Feel sad about that.

However, a real step forward is that my mum, on her own initiative, wrote to the GP and gave her permission to speak to me, and the GP called me. This is the best possible outcome as it was absolutely her decision and means I can get the information I need without any 'power-games'.

Don't know what will happen next. Get the house stuff out of the way (hopefully in the next six weeks), let things settle.

Thanks for all your replies as it has helped me to stay on track during all of this.

Well, a quick update.

I took mum to her friend's funeral a few days ago. Meant a day off work for me and a lot of driving, but it was a good day, as these things sometimes are. I popped on to the house for a matter of minutes just to drop her bag, a few bits of paperwork and her post. I suggested she went through the paperwork with her sister then we could catch up by phone later (trying to involve twin).

Mum rang me today saying sister has had a right go at her, saying its not working out, blaming me for 'not involving her' , and now saying she hadn't meant the move to be anything more than a trial.

Well, that is so not true! She insisted my mum moved in with her. Would not even hear any alternative options. Got very angry when I tried to talk it through before the move. And has done her best to drive me away.

Seems that things are ok so long as my mum has no visitors or contact with her own family.

Mum has asked me not to 'upset' her sister or to let on that she has spoken to me about this.

So what do I do now?

I've told mum we'll think about whether we can improve things to make it work (if that's what she wants), but look into alternative options. I suspect twin will backtrack and get even more angry with me for 'upsetting' my mum.

Your mum needs to move out. Get sheltered care for her.

Fuck the twin, she's ruining your mum's life!

Agree with above. Strike while the iron is hot & get your mum out of there.

I'm bloody livid. How dare she insist on my mum, at 81, giving everything up, and then reject her like this and blame her children? It's appalling.

Yet the minute I try to help they'll clam up together again.

I'm sparking.

Sodding twins.

Take your mum out again and explain what you have to do, and why.

This is not normal, your mum will suffer there.

Apologies for dragging up this old thread again. It helps me to track whats going on.

I decided to alert cousin that her mum had had a bit of a wobble and in particular raised the issue of my mum living there being permanent or a trial as I felt we needed to get this straight. I also thought she should check in with her mum and get a sense of whether things are ok.

Cousin dismissed my concerns. I was trying to avoid making this about me and Aunt but it soon came up. She 'recognises her mother' in what I said but refused to entertain what I was saying about my mum being unhappy or my concerns about being made to feel unwelcome (this last bit made her angry, though she also acknowledged it was true). I tried to explain how difficult it was for me and got short shrift. I felt I was being told I had no right to intervene on my mother's behalf. I ended up in tears pretty much all day. On reflection, I think Cousin is terrified I'll rock the boat.

Cousin lives next door to Aunt. According to my mum they hardly ever see her but cousin was making out that they see her all the time, she regularly pops in for cup of tea and everything is fine. This doesn't add up.

Can't help thinking that the reason everyone is so upset is that what I'm saying is true and that my concerns are entirely justified.

After this conversation I can see things are going to be incredibly difficult, whether my mum decides to stay or wants to leave.

And unless my mum will stand up for me when I'm under fire I may have to just stay out of it for the sake of my own mental health.

You can only help your mum if she wants to be helped.

You can only do what is possible.