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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so completely broken by men, can't take any more.

74 replies

LittleIllusionMachine · 02/10/2013 15:34

EVERY significant man in my life has abused me in some way. Despite this, I still held out hope that I might actually meet a decent guy one day.

I found out something today about a guy I've been seeing and it is like the last straw, it has broken me. I think I've lost any kind of hope.

As far as I can see, men lie and cheat. They manipulate you, will say anything to sleep with you. They are only interested in sex. They don't care if you are intelligent or funny, you are just the sum of your body parts. They will beat you and rape you and emotionally abuse you so badly that you don't know which way is up. They want you so beaten down that you accept and are GRATEFUL for any tiny scraps of affection or kindness, however rare. They don't want a partner, they want a slave to beat and abuse.

I have no self esteem left and I finally give up on trying to find a "good one". I don't think they exist anymore.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2013 15:37

I think giving up trying to find a partner is probably a very good idea and I'm sorry you've been so unlucky as to meet such a horrible sequence of men. Would you ever consider counselling to help you sort your thoughts and rebuild your self-esteem? The Freedom Programme is designed for the survivors of male abuse.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 02/10/2013 15:42

Sorry about your experiences, LittleIllusionMachine. You did not deserve any of that.

We do live in a very misogynistic world, where disrespect for women is rife.
And, sadly, if you were conditioned to accept abuse from an early age, it makes it more likely for you to encounter it, with poor defenses against it, again and again.

From what you say, I think it may be a good idea for you to "give up" on men for now. Not because they are all rotten, but in order for you to focus on yourself and your self-esteem. Instead of searching for a decent guy, search for and locate the decent and worthy person inside of you.

I understand your exasperation and hopeless feeling. Once you feel in a better place self-esteem wise, you may be in a stronger position to judge whether any good men exist or not.

Original poster
LittleIllusionMachine · 02/10/2013 15:52

Thank you.

I've never sought out relationships, they have always been friends of friends or whatever. They always seem so nice at first.

I think you are right that my radar
for good guys is probably way off. I have actually had counselling for self esteem and PTSD after rape. It was very brief and a long time ago, I can't
remember any of the coping strategies.

I am going to be on my own for a long time. I don't see how I will ever find anyone that is worth my time. I'm only 27 and am so battered, I can see myself being alone forever. I know that probably sounds dramatic but I can't take the abuse any more and that is all I ever get. I think it is probably my fault as I must be a bad person or weak to attract it?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2013 16:03

There's nothing wrong whatsoever being an independent woman. There is pressure from some sections of society to pair everyone off and make women believe they are sub-standard if they choose to enjoy their own company. However, being independent and self-reliant is a great way to improve self-esteem. It is a long way from 'lonely'.

You're not a bad person or weak to be the victim of a rapist and you do not attract violent/abusive men. You may benefit from techniques to help you see through the 'nice at first' aspect and reject people more quickly ... but abusive people can be very charming and difficult to read.

Lovevhate · 02/10/2013 17:46

I know how you feel. I feel the same in my dark hours. It started when I was 8 and has continued ever since. I've almost accepted it as the way things are and will always be. But there is a tiny piece of me that won't give up. I really feel for you. I think the others are right. Give yourself a break from men and work on yourself. Find out who you really are.

Albert27 · 02/10/2013 20:15

Agree with Cog

We are so conditioned to believe that as women we are only "complete" when with a man.

Look at films. Bloody Bridget Jones et al has a lot to answer for - all about meeting the perfect man.

Mags tell us how to meet the perfect man.

I work in the media - a male dominated environment - and it's constant. Jennifer Anniston is seen as a failure for not keeping Mr Pitt and not being married to Justin Theroux and having kids. The list goes on.

Words for single women - spinster, maiden aunt are negative. Men get bachelor, stud etc.

You are only 27. Stay away from men. Get counselling to heal from your terrible experiences which I cannot comprehend. Become an independent woman, strong alone and proud to be that way.

MrAnonymous · 03/10/2013 00:03

L-I-M, your post motivated me to join MN as I couldn‘t ignore it.

I‘m a man, I‘m the significant other to my wife who I loyally treasure deeply. I also have two sons who have reached the age where they will imminently be presenting themselves to womankind...

I‘ve never abused a woman and never would. I love being around women and whilst my DNA is programmed to find some women hugely attractive I‘ve never behaved in the way that you describe, Neither would my sons. To the best of my knowledge the vast majority of men that I associate with are the same as me.

But I have no doubt that plenty of bad men exist. Bad women too. But I avoid them.

Could you find a better way to hunt out the good guys? I don‘t know where you go looking, but believe me the attributes you describe are very much in the minority. Please don‘t give up on us ;-)

payhisdebt · 03/10/2013 00:49

oh my goodness you have met some stinkers . but most men are not like that

cronullansw · 03/10/2013 00:58

Blimey girl, :(

So sorry to hear you've been going through this. Honestly, not all men, in fact, not many men are like this.

You can come through this xxx

SalmonellaDeGhoul · 03/10/2013 01:40

The vast majority of men are nice. I think you have been very unlucky in the ones that you have met and had relationships with.
I do think that perhaps learning to recognise the "red flags" early on is probably the best approach. Does the Freedom Programme cover that, Cogito?
AND learning that you don't have to have a man at all is an excellent lesson. I have a lovely cousin who is single. She is beautiful, clever and has her own house. Ever since she hit her mid-twenties, all our aunts and their cousins ( it's that type of family) have wittered on about how D should "find a man" and dating sites and the like. Her mother however, is more sensible, luckily so no pressure from that quarter. I had a long chat with my cousin recently, she has had a couple of relationships but as she didn't meet anyone who was decent, she opted to remain single rather than settle for someone substandard. And she's right! She's worth far more than that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 07:41

I've never done the Freedom Programme but would have thought recognising early warning signs is part of it. There's an article I like called Are You Dating An Abuser? which I think is a terrific run-down of some of the personality traits to look out for.

Lweji · 03/10/2013 07:46

You've been definitely unlucky.

And if anything you are too good and make too many allowances to early red flags.

where is that thread?

Editededition · 03/10/2013 07:54

I think instinct is taking you in the right direction, OP - maybe an innate self-preservation?

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to forget finding a relationship, and learn to be by yourself ...because you will find out a lot about who you are, and what YOU need and want, rather than aiming to please men.
Strong, happy, confident women are very attractive to good men! Go find those things in yourself, and life will take a lot more positive oath for you.

(and if you have repeated patterns of going into abusive relationships - considering counselling, and CBT It is life changing ....and benefits many very sane people!!)

yegodsandlittlefishes · 03/10/2013 08:17

You can allow yourself time (as much as you want) to be celibate or not in a long term relationship. All men dont have to be liars and cheats for you to do this. It xould just be what you need for a while. You can leave it open ended. It is really liberating to say no to men, even the apparently nice ones. It's not about them, it is that you don't want or need to complication of sex or a relationship. I did this for a couple of years, rethought my whole life and pursued my own interests, developed some good skills and habits and friendships. I changed a lot, became more assertive and confident.

queenbitchapparently · 03/10/2013 08:19

You are picking these men, if you are continuing time and time again to invest in abusive relationships, I believe you need some serious councelling and to be on your own for awhile.
Learn to love yourself and your own company so that when you do meet someone it is actually a sacrifice to let them in because you enjoy your life as it is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 08:23

@queenbitch. I don't think the OP is picking abusive men in any kind of deliberate way. She's picking outwardly nice men that turn out to be abusive which is a different thing and very important for abuse victims to understand. The help most people need is to a) see past the 'nice' and b) get out before they get hurt.

missbopeep · 03/10/2013 08:37

I'm sorry to hear of your experiences.

But really, your judgement is skewed. (Not talking about the rape.)

If you honestly think ALL men are like the ones you have met, then that in itself shows you have poor judgement.

I've never met any men like the ones you describe, and I'm very middle aged ( more than double your age) and was older than you are now when I married.

So which of us is right?

The truth is that there are some men who abuse women- but they are the minority.

The fact that you have known nothing else is about the way you pick men and how you behave in a relationship.

You need to go back into some serious counselling- might take a year or more- and get to the root of why you either attract these men or maintain a relationship with them up to the point they abuse you.

Go and see your GP or look online for local counselling - some women's organisations provide it at a low fee.

londonniceguy · 03/10/2013 08:55

I have to say that I have seen a pattern amongst my female friends some of them repeatedly pick total bastards. not deliberately I don't think. its something much more sublime

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 03/10/2013 08:58

I agree with both missbopeep and londonniceguy.

OP, definitely stop dating for some considerable time and work on yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 09:03

'Total bastards' might, on the face of it, seem exciting, confident or something else that is attractive... a bit of swagger. Some present as vulnerable... 'he's only like he is because he had a tough childhood'. Others can present as a challenge.... 'I can tame him'. But if they were that easy to spot, they'd be avoided more easily.

queenbitchapparently · 03/10/2013 09:04

I wasn't suggesting she was deliberately picking asshole, I think only a very rare person would do that but nevertheless she is making the decisions and that is what needs to be looked at, why she is making the same decisions over and over again.
after a certain point everyone elses behaviour becomes irrelevant and you need to just concentrate on yourself.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 03/10/2013 09:09

Cogito - to an extent I agree with you. But I can think of many instances where everyone KNOWS a certain guy is a total bastard or player. The women themselves KNOW it. But they still date them, sleep with them, think they are wonderful and deny all the red flags being thrust right in their faces. They may well want to 'tame him' but it wasn't a case of avoiding them - they go right after them knowing this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 09:09

I didn't think you meant that, don't worry :) However, the OP already thinks they are at fault and a bad person for attracting this abuse. It's very important, therefore, to make it clear that this is not the case.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 09:10

"they go right after them knowing this."

In the OP's case (to get back to the thread) she didn't go after anyone.

Jux · 03/10/2013 09:15

Try the Freedom Programme, my dear, as suggested upthread. I have heard very good things about it.

There really are good men out there but don't think about it for now. Concentrate on yourself, be kind to yourself. You are a survivor! Hold your head up.

Good luck.