I am so completely broken by men, can't take any more.

[LittleIllusionMachine]

EVERY significant man in my life has abused me in some way. Despite this, I still held out hope that I might actually meet a decent guy one day.

I found out something today about a guy I've been seeing and it is like the last straw, it has broken me. I think I've lost any kind of hope.

As far as I can see, men lie and cheat. They manipulate you, will say anything to sleep with you. They are only interested in sex. They don't care if you are intelligent or funny, you are just the sum of your body parts. They will beat you and rape you and emotionally abuse you so badly that you don't know which way is up. They want you so beaten down that you accept and are GRATEFUL for any tiny scraps of affection or kindness, however rare. They don't want a partner, they want a slave to beat and abuse.

I have no self esteem left and I finally give up on trying to find a "good one". I don't think they exist anymore.

Hmm I'm not sure I agree that "the vast majority" of men are nice. The patriarchy has a lot to answer for.

I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't with my current DP (male) I would be single or with a woman.

I feel for you OP. Don't put pressure on yourself to be in a relationship there is nothing wrong with being on your own.

Hope you know you are not alone in feeling sadness and mistrust towards dating men. I have dated both kind, genuine and gorgeous men, and also some selfish abusive men. I do not believe you need to ever give up on love, but taking time out from relationships to care for yourself is a positive step (as others are encouraging you, from their experiences.) It is always valuable to be kind to yourself and remember you are not alone. Too many women have been abused by nasty pieces of work, and it is not because they had serious flaws, often it is because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and trusted a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Agree with others who say it is much healthier to be alone and learning to be kind to yourself than with an a... and putting u with it.

So well done for taking the first step and leaving behind male partners who were putting you down/disrespecting you. It takes courage to be genuinely happy on your own, and to learn to love the positive and negative parts of yourself, accepting your humanness...We are all flawed in some way, so if you have parts you would like or need to change for the better, so do we all!! Try not to base your self worth on whether you have a loving partner.

The 'vast majority' of people are nice- men and women!

Yes there are bad apples, but often they are attracted to certain people just like bullies are attracted to certain people- ie move a bullied child to another school and they are often still victims, and can remain victims in the workplace unless they learn what it is about them that attracts bullies or makes them choose them initially as 'friends'. It's the same in relationships.

OP- at 27 you should be enjoying life as a single woman, not putting up with arseholes who treat you badly. Stop looking for a man and learn who you are, what makes you tick and above all work with someone on your self esteem. The fact you seem to need a man at any price means you are immediately vulnerable to men who may use you for their own needs.

It seems you know that being single is best for you. Only for the moment maybe. Once you have built up your self esteem and feel confident in your own skin then, if you want to, it may be time to think about dating. You may still want to remain single. Nothing wrong with doing what makes you happy. Personally I have a lovely partner but one of my sons is married to a very abusive woman. Nothing prepares you for your son phoning you in tears when he is in his thirties.

I don't need a man at any price at all.

I left my long term partner 18 months ago and have been single since then. I had absolutely nothing, no friends or support network as he took that away. I have built myself a new life from scratch and I now have wonderful friends and a future for myself and DD. It is one of the bravest things I have ever done and I'm proud of that.

I haven't had a boyfriend since then, I won't put that label on anyone undeserving, and they certainly don't meet my daughter. However, every guy I have met and engaged with at all has been a complete dick. Lying and cheating. I often find out they have girlfriends after speaking for a while. One seriously choked me during sex without consent. I find out that they have beaten girlfriends before or are serial cheaters. Some of them have had secret drug habits (nothing serious, more along the lines of social cocaine or MDMA use).
During this period I haven't let anyone get close enough to abuse me, I let that happen too often in the past. But with my previous experiences and the people I have dated in the past year I am giving up hope.

I will be OK on my own, but it is very lonely. I can't let myself be abused again though so its the only option.

I think you're doing the right thing and I'm glad you have wonderful friends. The way I see it, if you can make & retain decent friends, it blows the idea that you 'attract' abusive types out of the water. Embrace singledom and keep your standards high.

Hmm I'm not sure I agree that "the vast majority" of men are nice. The patriarchy has a lot to answer for

It does make it a lot easier for men to get away with being nasty for their own selfish reasons.

I'm not sure there is an innate difference in nastiness between genders though.

OP - It sounds like you've come through your experiences strong, you've got friends and DD for support. If you get lonely think of them, not on some kind of coupley type of relationship until you feel better about yourself and the world. Focus on the good stuff and reject the bad.

I feel that so few men have respect for women now.

Most guys my age have been bought up with easy and frequent access to porn and I honestly believe that this massively skews their views towards women and sex.

Not so convinced by the argument that it is only a minority of men who abuse. A lot of men do cheat, lie and behave badly.

But yes, take a break from men. Maybe join the Freedom Programme. And find out what is important to you and how you can build a happy life without a man.

I'd assume that there are more or less as many good and nasty men as there are women. :)

Actually I don't agree. Not because I think women are naturally nicer then men. But because girls and women who behave badly get heavily censured. While with boys and men, some still have the attitude of boys will be boys. So some boys and men get away with bad behaviour - thus don't change their behaviour.

Women who want to behave badly will do so in less obvious ways.

But I agree that we should challenge bad behaviour as much as possible and empower women not to put up with it.

You only have to look at women who do cheat, lie about what they spend their money on, trick into pregnancies, are "high maintenance".

I would take some time out from men and intimate relationships if i were you . 27 is no age , you could be celibate for 5 years and still be young ! It sounds like you have had a horrendous time and you need time to recuperate and allow wounds to heal . Work out who you are and what makes you happy , without the pressure of any kind of intimate realtionship , there is pressure in good relationships too !

If you have only dated total bastards it is difficult to trust others wont turn out the same in the end, even if they appear trustworthy , as other bastards have appeared to you before....
Well done for no longer dating any bastards OP and please know you are not alone in feeling disillusioned and distrustful of men- I have , as have so many other women.

You are right to take the time to be kind to yourself and work on your vulnerability, and learn to love yourself. As many other women have had to after sexual, physical or emotional or financial abuse by men

You are on the right path and when you feel stronger and more accepting of yourself and able to love yourself, with all your flaws (as we all have to learn, and continue to be challenged to learn) you will more likely attract a better quality partner

I don’t think any gender has a monopoly on crap, abusive, inconsiderate, cheating, lying behaviour; I have been around long enough to witness appalling behaviour by both men and women. In previous relationships I have been cheated on, lied to, emotionally abused and physically hit a few times, the latter act being deemed ‘ok’ in some circles as I ‘must have said or done something to her that warranted it’ and because it was a women hitting me I should ‘man up and take it’ .

At no point did I feel the need to write off 50% of the world’s population.

Lweji - when women lie about spending money, it is usually because they don't have an equal relationship. After all why would you have to lie about spending money when it as much as your choice what money gets spent on as your partner?

Of course some women need to lie, but not all. :)
As some men lie too.
Not because they are in unequal relationships, but because they are spending too much.

Bastards tend to prey on vulnerable women, however some prey on strong women, so never feel it is your responsibility for their crappy behaviour if you do come accross another total bastard.. But I have met and married a gorgeous man and can vouch that there are many trustworthy, gorgeous men out there, and there is no reason you wont meet one if that is your wish
And as frumpet and others say, you can be happier and more carefree as a single woman, too! Best wishes for a beautiful future xx

Op - I like you have had nothing but abusive relationships with men.

I know I keep trotting this out ad infinitum but you can do the Freedom Programme online for free at your own pace here;

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

I found it invaluable.

OP so you have a daughter? You didn't say that - I thought you were on your own.

I still say that your experience is unusual. I've been hurt- along life's path- who hasn't? But you constantly choose the wrong men. Something has to change. I also think it's relevant that you said a man ' took away your friends and support network'. No- he didn't. You lost them. It was your behaviour- maybe enabled by his treatment of you- that lost you your friends.

I do feel very sorry for you but I think as part of your growth into a person who is not vulnerable, you need to stop blaming men and start looking at your behaviour. As there is a constant pattern, it's more than just bad luck- you are not spotting the signs early on, for whatever reason.

One thing to consider is changing your social circle- join clubs, meet like minded people who have the same interests, don't just rely on meeting people socially in bars or whatever.

You are barely older than my DD and I'd hate to think anyone so young as you was so cynical about 50% of the population!

Cu - agreed.

I wonder why OP that you seem to attract these men who have issues?
Can you see any pattern?
Are they charmers, who flatter you?
Are they vulnerable' so you feel you have to 'help' them?
Are they - on the surface- Alpha males- who make you feel good- until the charm wears off?
Did you know they had a reputation but thought you could 'change them'?

It might help you to make a list of all the significant men in your life and think about what attracted you to them, even down to where and how you met them ( that may hold clues.)

You could also think about the first signs of bad behaviour from them that you ignored and that gave them the signal they could continue with increasingly bad behaviour.

You see , looking at your comments about losing your friends- at some point your behaviour towards them changed. What changed and why?

Some really good analysing with a counsellor would help you.

Some of them have had secret drug habits (nothing serious, more along the lines of social cocaine or MDMA use).

I would run a mile from these types if I were you. Not "nothing serious" about it....

In my yoof I came across quite a few of these. The longer they were into it the more selfish, arrogant, egocentric and paranoid I saw them become.

And, apart from the money aspect, you really don't want to get onto the wrong side of the law, even by association.... especially as you have a daughter.

At no point did I feel the need to write off 50% of the world’s population

Really? I did after a couple of nasty break ups, I was quite emotional and thinking irrationally (probably a bit like the OP, though no where near as bad). The thoughts didn't last long, but I can empathise with them. That's why "all men are bastards" and "all women are vipers" exist as common or garden phrases!