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Original poster

My ex is harassing me - advice please?

63 replies

LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 13:55

Hi
I left my ex partner of 13yrs 18 months ago, after I discovered that he had been cheating in a variety of ways; using prostitutes, going dogging, swinging, and targeting young women at his work, and through social activities.
He was immensely angry with me at the time, throwing me out to sleep in my car, demanding I pay his flat deposit etc.

I have met someone lovely, who wants to get married and plan a life together, so I'm really happy except that my ex keeps bothering me.

He has some of my things, photos, and a little cash (not much bothered), and I have some of his (jewellery worth around £1k), and he demands his stuff back.

I offered to post it ( but no go, as he says it can't be insured), and in Aug I offered him two dates to meet, in response to a text. He only replied the night before telling me he was going away.

Now, he is harassing me to meet again, but I'm busy until November (peak time at work). I told him November, but he's getting really arsey with the texts, real passive aggressive.
What can I do? Am I obliged to meet him now as he demands?

(Sorry for long post)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2013 13:59

No, contact the police and tell them that you are being harrassed. They will deal with him. He is lying to you re his jewellery not being able to be posted because it cannot be insured. Do not engage with him further on any level, he is doing this to you as punishment for you having the guts to leave him.

Lweji · 27/09/2013 14:03

I'd say police too.

But just to get rid of this, could you suggest that he goes to you (work or something) to drop your stuff?
If he's so keen he should say yes and you seem more reasonable.

If he still pesters you, just post it.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/09/2013 14:05

arrange to leave it at police station or solicitirs office or something and he pick it from there?

funny how often someone is a total shit and yet when they are finally and rightly binned, they go all ragey and play the victim.

i suggest you log his behaviour with the police. if it escalates then you have a recorded history.

Lweji · 27/09/2013 14:06

In any case, keep all messages and emails, in case he continues to harass you and you really need to go to the police.

Original poster
LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 14:13

I think he is not inundated with nubile 20yr olds as he expected and he blames me for splitting up because 'you were the one who left', his cheating is also my fault, of course Smile.

I admit to not answering his texts about swapping stuff (partly angry with him, but partly afraid) for a while.

My current partner suggested trying to close this hence the date in Aug but when my ex started to treat me like shit again, my partner suggested I was entitled to not allow it.

OP posts:
Lweji · 27/09/2013 14:16

The thing is, he has an excuse to contact you at the moment.

If you post it (screw him) he has no more excuses.
It will clearly be police from then on.

whitsernam · 27/09/2013 14:18

Delivery service?

Original poster
LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 14:23

Posting, couriers etc takes time and work for me - fine in Nov but my work is Hell at the moment and I don't really have days off.

He was so unbothered in Aug, that he went off walking in Wales with some friends, but now, in September, it's crucial.

Is saying 'wait until November' really so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ezio · 27/09/2013 14:25

Take it all to a police station, tell them you found it, text your ex thats where it is and he can leave it or get it.

Lweji · 27/09/2013 14:29

Yes, a delivery service can be set up quickly and they'll pick up from you. You don't have to go to the post office and it can be cheaper.

Can't you spare 30 min to search for a service and make a package?
Totally worth it.

LilyBossom · 27/09/2013 14:38

I would tell him to send a third party to collect it - and if it isn't collected by a certain date (2 weeks maybe) then you will presume he no longer wants it and will dispose of accordingly.

Original poster
LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 14:41

Not really, as I'm working all hours, and then going away for the last couple of weeks in Oct.
I WFH and don't want him here (I live alone) as he's assaulted me in the past.
I'm working every weekend too.
He knows Oct is busy for me, hence the sudden demands I think.
From Nov on - peace - and I could meet him in a public place during the day, which would make me feel better. Also, he couldn't say I broke it, or he didn't receive it, which is a worry (he's prone to lying).

OP posts:
Original poster
LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 14:42

Oh, third party is a good idea - as long as female as I don't want his male friends here either.

Would it be unreasonable to ask that, do you think?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 27/09/2013 14:44

You can organise a courier online www.parcel2go.com

It will take about 10 mins in all to register, choose your price/courier & book.

You need the dimensions of the package & the weight.

Items can be insured according to their value.

Brodicea · 27/09/2013 14:45

I gave things to my ex's mum for him to collect- slightly awkward but much easier!

Twinklestein · 27/09/2013 14:47

I should add the courier will give you a receipt, the item will be tracked & the delivery time & date logged, so he cannot lie about not having received it.

LilyBossom · 27/09/2013 14:54

I had this trouble with my ex, refused to collect stuff and I had grown fed up of his demands and bullying behaviour - in the end my solicitor wrote to him, told him 14 days to send third party, 48 hours notice in writing of the collection, if not contacted/collected items will be sold/given to charity. Put it in writing, and tell him to communicate only in writing. And then block his number, or change your mobile number. My ex sent man with van on day 14. Waited till the last minute of course - arse.

Original poster
LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 14:54

Will I know how much it will cost in advance?

On principle, I won't pay for it (he already owes me a little money).

I was really dignified and 'nice' to him when I left, but now I feel bad that I don't feel bad that he's not happy. Confused

OP posts:
LilyBossom · 27/09/2013 14:58

haven't you got a mutual friend who you could give the stuff to? Drop it off at his work or get them to collect from your work?

Original poster
LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 15:07

My friends don't feel that kindly disposed towards him, and I've actually had to prevent the male ones from 'visiting him'.

He won't agree to me seeing his friends in case I tell them anything that he wouldn't like (he'll have told them some story about why we split up).
He won't agree to me going to his work, as one if the twenty year olds he was trying to fuck is 'under him' (basically he sexually harassed her, poor girl).
Such a loser, isn't he?!

OP posts:
LilyBossom · 27/09/2013 15:28

why don't you just post it special delivery - that won't cost much will it and if it gets rid of him for the sake of a tenner or so. Just make sure it is adequately insured and keep the tracking info/screenshot of proof of delivery to prove he has got it.

JohFlow · 27/09/2013 15:36

Good suggestions so far. You need to complete business with him ASAP - whichever way is the safest and cheapest to you. I think you have tried reasonable attempts to get his things to him in person. If it is painful/difficult to see him; protect yourself and send someone else. I would also think of changing your number once all unfinished business has passed.

Original poster
LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 15:49

I'm worried about posting it as he'll say that he got the parcel, but that the jewellery wasn't in it, or he'll break it. Then he'll start demanding money.

He can't be trusted like a normal person, if you see?

OP posts:
WestmorlandSausage · 27/09/2013 15:52

if you have time to mumsnet you have time to arrange a courier Smile

once its gone he has no reason to contact you anymore.

WestmorlandSausage · 27/09/2013 15:54

if you are worried he is going to say you broke it take a timed/dated picture just before you give it to the courier proving what condition it was in when you handed it over. If it then gets broken in transit (unlikely if you pack it well) it is for him to take up with the courier service rather than yourself.

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