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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex is harassing me - advice please?

63 replies

LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 13:55

Hi
I left my ex partner of 13yrs 18 months ago, after I discovered that he had been cheating in a variety of ways; using prostitutes, going dogging, swinging, and targeting young women at his work, and through social activities.
He was immensely angry with me at the time, throwing me out to sleep in my car, demanding I pay his flat deposit etc.

I have met someone lovely, who wants to get married and plan a life together, so I'm really happy except that my ex keeps bothering me.

He has some of my things, photos, and a little cash (not much bothered), and I have some of his (jewellery worth around £1k), and he demands his stuff back.

I offered to post it ( but no go, as he says it can't be insured), and in Aug I offered him two dates to meet, in response to a text. He only replied the night before telling me he was going away.

Now, he is harassing me to meet again, but I'm busy until November (peak time at work). I told him November, but he's getting really arsey with the texts, real passive aggressive.
What can I do? Am I obliged to meet him now as he demands?

(Sorry for long post)

OP posts:

Original poster

LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 15:55

Courier would be fine if:

I know how much it will be in advance so he can pay.
I can absolutely prove that it contains the jewellery, in one piece.

Can I? (I haven't sent anything by courier).

OP posts:

LisaMedicus · 27/09/2013 16:06

I would suggest you state once that you are willing to meet him in a public place with items and a witness in November and you will not discuss this further. Then do not reply to anything. Then really force the meet in November because he doesn't want the items, he wants the excuse to have a go at you and when the items are handed over then he will lose that.

btw - why don't you go to his work anyway? I mean, just because he says he doesn't want you to doesn't mean anything. He could say the moon was made of custard. Same for insisting that you meet him this month. Just because he says doesn't mean it's so.

Hope these suggestions help.

Original poster

LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 16:21

Lisa, thank you (and everyone else who has replied).

I have texted him that I will be in touch in November to sort out a day/time, and asked him not to text me again until then please. He immediately texted back a rant telling me November is too long, and that I may not text him with a suitable date/time - he will tell me.

He was just as controlling and 'me, me, me' when I was with him, and I feel that for my self esteem I have to stand up for myself. He doesn't seem to understand I'm not at his beck and call now.

It's hard to stay nice, isn't it?

OP posts:

LisaMedicus · 27/09/2013 16:36

Try imagining him suffering with piles and pimples.

btw there is no law that you have to feel nice about him. You don't have to be nice, just cool and professional. Keep it as unemotional as possible.

I wouldn't reply until you absolutely had to.

bringbacksideburns · 27/09/2013 16:39

Just take it to his work with a note saying never to bother you again.
Get him out of your life and change your number - unless there are children involved?

bringbacksideburns · 27/09/2013 16:40

Text him and say you will call into his work with it sometime this week. If he doesn't like it - tough.

BeCool · 27/09/2013 16:48

If you don't want your stuff back surely it's in your interest to get rid of his stuff asap so you can then block this whiny annoying creep from your life? There are lots of options for you - why are you making this so hard? Why is he so in control here?

I would tell him you will be home of X day between X&Y time and HE should book and send a courier to collect the package at this time. Give him a maximum of 2 options and tell him if neither of these are suitable then you will throw the stuff away.

he's just using this to get to you - you need to cut him off asap.

Do you really want this hanging around until November?

Alternatively surely its worth paying a few quid to send by registered post so it'd done and dusted. Sit on your principles if you must, but I'd cut my loses and pay the postage as I value my life and being free of this creep would be priceless.

As for "he won't agree to you going to his work" - why do you need his agreement or permission? Just go and drop the stuff off. text him to tell him the stuff will be left at reception in 5 minutes. You'll be gone before he gets there.

If you have an iphone, with the new software you can now block people - imagine him just gone out of your life???

You don't have to stay nice at all. Take USA email business tone with him - formal, direct, neutral.

Original poster

LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 16:49

I like the idea about his work, but he wouldn't let me.

He's worried I'd tell HR about his use of very young prostitutes and that he gave his underling work equipment to keep in return for her giving him pics of her having sex, naked etc.

He works in education, so a bit sensitive, as he needs CRB thingies.

OP posts:

Original poster

LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 16:52

Well, I'd have to take a day off work, and travel 110 miles to get there. I'd rather meet him on a Sat in the middle of a busy town, get shot of the twat in safety without triggering any more trouble.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 27/09/2013 17:06

If you book a courier on parcel2go - it lists different couriers at different prices, so you will know precisely how much it will be upfront. You also have to pay upfront, but I'd be inclined to pay it just to be shot of him.

However, there is no way of proving that the package contains the necklace. A photo could have been doctored etc.

From the pov of proof the only way is to meet him with a witness or LilyBlossom's suggestion of solicitor's letter plus third party - but the former you'd have to organise yourself & give him a date - which he has already shown he will make a fuss about, and the latter will be expensive.

Sparkleandshine · 27/09/2013 17:10

what's wrong with Royal Mail Special Delivery - Insured and guaranteed?

they insure jewellery - just pick the £2,500 insurance.

Lweji · 27/09/2013 17:14

There's no fuss.

You have the stuff, he should bend over to get it back if he wants it.
As in he takes a day off to go to you (plus witnesses) or pays courier.

Or it's thrown away.

What you should have told him in August.

BeCool · 27/09/2013 17:16

OP it seems to me you are having some problems letting go/finalising this.

Put it in the post insured. Then block him.

It's actually very simple.

BeCool · 27/09/2013 17:18

I like the idea about his work, but he wouldn't let me.
He's not the boss of you - if you want to go and drop off at his work, just go and do it.

clam · 27/09/2013 17:22

"I like the idea about his work, but he wouldn't let me."

"Let you?" How can he stop you?

He is not in charge of you any more!!!

LisaMedicus · 27/09/2013 17:23

HE CANNOT STOP YOU LEAVING THE STUFF AT RECEPTION

Shocking thought, isn't it, when you are in the middle of it.

My suggestion is that you do not reply to anything until November, then you take BeCool's suggestion of texting him five minutes before you drop off at Reception. Get the Receptionist/Office staff to witness what has been delivered (post is difficult with someone being vile, read the ebay boards) add a note to say that you do not wish any further contact and that any further contact will be seen as harassment and then walk away.

He cannot insist that you attend at a date and time of his choosing, he cannot force you to reply to texts, he will not actually want the game to end. Good luck.

Onebuddhaisnotenough · 27/09/2013 17:26

He is not in control. Insured post, block and delete. Take awsy his power and do not engage. Then move on eith your life.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 27/09/2013 17:31

Tthis is a slight tangent, but if he did do what you say he did, shouldn't you tell his work for the safety of others?

LilyBossom · 27/09/2013 17:31

and if he claims items are missing from the parcel what is he actually going to do about it? You are giving him power I agree. Parcel them up, send courier or special delivery or drop at his work and then forget about it and forget about him. Change your number/email if you have to - and definitely take back all control.

LilyBossom · 27/09/2013 17:33

Also it seems he is using this handover of belongings as a tool to force you to meet him - but you have no need to meet him so you need to stop this now.

If you are worried why don't you post them special delivery to his place of work, then someone else will probably sign for the parcel and he can't refuse a delivery then can he.

Original poster

LovesPeace · 27/09/2013 17:35

Regarding posting - I keep saying I can't post it because he'll get the parcel and then pretend its not there, or it's damaged and will start asking me for money instead. The weird thing is he believes his own lies, and gets angry and entitled about complete fiction. I think he's ill.

I have to hand it to either him in person or another human, and get a receipt for it.

Lisa - I will take your advice and ignore him until Nov, then tell him a final date. if he can't make the date, cancels or messes around, i will drive to his work instead, and get reception to sign a receipt. After that, block him on iPhone, and no more response to any contact.

Or, I could secrete a venomous snake in the jewellery box?

OP posts:

clam · 27/09/2013 17:39

OK, so if you deliver them to his work, or insure and post, you will know that the items left you in perfect condition.
So he flies into a rage and jumps up and down because the says they're damaged.
And?
Will the earth stop turning? What EXACTLY is he going to do about it? You will have blocked him and will be going about your life as an independent, free woman who he CANNOT CONTROL ANYMORE.
So, let him try and sue/prove you didn't post them/whatever. Whatever! Shrug and move on.

LilyBossom · 27/09/2013 17:39

He can pretend all he likes but it is your word against his surely? I agree with other comment, take a photo then parcel up and get it dispatched, and then block and ignore. And make sure you ask for the money he owes you.

I would drive to his work now and not wait until November.

clam · 27/09/2013 17:40

Sorry, wrote my post before I read your latest.
BLOCK HIS BLOODY NUMBER!!!!!!! And ignore EVERY attempt he makes to contact you.

FriskyHenderson · 27/09/2013 17:40

Just post the stuff via a courier - take lots of photos as evidence if you need to.

Then block him. I really don't get why you want another month of him bothering you. Has he done that much of a number on you?

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