Cutitup Wow, massive respect to you for writing so honestly, it must have been difficult, but I hope a bit of a relief too. Parts of your post resonate in me and I expect in all the other babes too.
If you've been reading the thread for so long, you will know that whilst we chat and gently laugh with each other from time to time, we are all worried about the long-term consequences of heavy drinking. To quote from The Eagles 'Desperado' - 'These things that are pleasing you, can hurt you somehow'. Worries about liver damage, heart damage, breast cancer, brain damage and stroke, as well as the more minor things; upset stomach, ulcers and minor injuries when clumsy and pissed. When my drinking was at it's heaviest, I used to worry that one morning I'd wake up, yellow from head to toe and be featured in Daily Fail's Health page with a picture of me in a hospital bed with one of their snarky 'Look what she did to herself' stories. I cringe inwardly whenever I read one of those.
It sounds to me like you don't have any AF nights. I've got a suggestion? If you like?
You need (just for one day to start) to make a huge change to your daily routine :-
Firstly, find your best pj's, put them on the bed for later. Then, if you've got a kindle, download any of the Gillian Flynn books - Gone Girl/Dark Places/Sharp Objects or Nicci French - Catch Me When I fall/Land of the Living/Secret Smile. All of these will grip you from the first page and are unputdownable. Don't eat hardly anything at lunchtime.
*Pick your dd up from school, go to Tescos, buy yourself something nice to put in the bath, try something coconutty or vanilla-y, both very soothing. Get her something too.
*Go for a ridiculously early tea. Something you both like McD's, KFC, pizza, anything quick and tasty and filling. Have a milkshake with it (not coffee or coke).
*When you get home, run a bath, put the lovelies in it and have a wallow. Then into pjs and then brush teeth and mouthwash.
*Downstairs, put tv on and watch stupid stuff, there's a Real Housewives of Vancouver on ITV2/ITV2 + 1 at about 4ish your time. They've all done so much to their faces, only their mouths move and they can't walk in those high heels. It's a laugh.
*Stay in the living room with your dd. Read your kindle, watch tv, clean and cosy and warm. No cold patio, sharp spiky too fizzy freezing cold glass of poison, no smelly dried up nasty old fag. Stay where you are.
*Your dd will probably love your company, her happiness will hit your button throughout the evening.
Time for bed, have a hot milky drink and biscuit and in Ma's words - get yerself to bed (I always hear that in a Scottish accent!)
Wake up in the morning, knowing that you broke the cycle, that you got out of the washing machine before it started to spin. So, you're not flat, damp, creased and flattened against the drum, you're slightly rumpled, sweet smelling and you've had a decent sleep and you don't have a hangover and you've done Day One which is the hardest day for all of us.
If you can, take each step of the above and if you do that, you will succeed. You will have ignored the tools that let you lay each perspex brick until you have a thick blurry wall between yourself and your life and your dd. Take the first steps back to recovering your health and wellbeing.
I'm sorry for the epic post and forgive me if I've been in any way patronising, but as Chezza would say 'You're Worth It' - and I think you are x