Its been 2 weeks, nothings changed, I cant go on

[Justwakingup]

This is going to be all over the place and ranty, but im basically fucked up in the head, so sorry.

No point in name changing, I cant write out my story again anyway.

Its been 18 months since I started to fuck up mine and other peoples lives, 5 weeks since my life changed forever, 2 weeks since I fucked it up even more.

Lots of advice on here, pull yourself together, get help, you deserve it, you will be ok.

Im not ok. I still think about him 24/7. I cant function, I cant eat, I cant sleep, I want to hurt myself, I want to disappear, I want to die.

Even having the kids isnt stopping my thoughts now. Everyone would be better off without me, I fuck up everything I do. I just need to figure out how to go in the least selfish way possible.

The kids will be fine they have their Dad, he loves them, I cant love anyone, I am a shit Mum, a shit friend and a shit person, I am so fucking lonely, but no wonder, im so fucking selfish, who would want to be with me? everyone lies to me, I tried to be nice and a good person but I fuck that one up too.

I have nowhere else to go

That's fab news JWU. Please believe in yourself. You are beautiful and you are loveable. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. Look in the mirror and strip away the world's judgements and you will see that you are great. We all make mistakes. However this man made you feel, you can feel all of those things if you believe in yourself. Onwards and upwards. Baby steps and be very kind to yourself.

No there. I am do glad you feel a bit better.
I have rung once but they weren't there and then toddler got hold if paint and a door fell on her (she's ok) so I've come to the park and will try again when back.
If you click the link tho the numbers there if you feel brave.

So glad JWU. Make sure you plan to be kind to yourself and find some RL support so you're better prepared if you want it in the future.

Ledkr thank you. I will see how I feel later and I may ring.. I will let you know..

Hope your little one is OK!

We are here for you JWU.

Remember what Ledkr said: Life Is a bitch sometimes a d I'm so grateful for my friends I don't know what I'd do without them.

Just a word from a friend can put things back in perspective. We might be the internet, but we can still be your friends.

Chin up lovely xxx

You can't force yourself to stop loving someone whether they deserve it or not. But it will come with time. When he has been so cruel to you and his wife, there will come a time when you think of him and say to yourself that he isn't worth one more moment, one more tear, one more thought.

Good luck and keep posting here.

It's amazing how much better a good nights sleep can make you feel OP. You've gone another day without him - stay strong.

Ledkr you really are a special person.

The offer is stil there to ring but I they will ask for contact details. Look at the site they do exactly what you need. It's a funny thing heartbreak, I think it actually hurts like a physical pain. It's so important to keep telling yourself it will pass though, I used to go to bed each night and think "that's another day towards feeling normal again" The fact is I don't even think about that person now but I remember being hardly able to function for a while. I remember taking my dd trick or treating while chain smoking and crying! I discovered the "eat,sleep and distraction" coping mechanism and I hit the gym too which really helps and I'm very definitely not a gym regular.

I hope you're ok and managing and I hope you've managed to get more help.

Three years ago I had a nervous breakdown and I can empathise fully with how you're feeling. I felt like it would never end and I'd never feel stronger. I also thought of taking my own life and felt my children would be better off without me.

I'm still here now though and although not happy- I'm content. Plus my children DO need me and so do yours.

If I can do anything else to help please let me know. I live in York too.

How are you today OP?

It's a beautiful day (well it is where I am) so get yourself out for a long walk in the fresh air. Walking has really helped me clear my head, make sense of things and move on ok so it's taken many miles and many hours to get where I am

Hope you are feeling better today, OP. If not, don't worry. I promise I was a very similar situation to you a year ago. I thought about suicide constantly. I couldn't imagine things ever being okay again. But you know what, it's a biological state and it is horrible but it does not last. Now I honestly don't know what I was so afraid of. Whatever way things went they would have worked out okay in the end. The anxiety is way worse than going through and out the other side. Trust me, you'll be so fine one day and unable to remember that pain.

How are you doing today op? Thinking of you.

Havent posted in a while as I didnt know what to say.

Im not suicidal any more, just flat.

Still consumed by thought of what happened, hes in my head constantly and im still tortured about him and her together and still tortured about his wife and how she would feel if she knew.

I still want to stop him in his arrogant tracks.

Im managing day to day with getting on with things but I have no distraction to fill the void he left.

BUT thank you for everyones support on this thread, I can safely say you probably saved my life that day.

Hi JWU

Good to hear from you. Glad you're a little better. Please be kind to yourself and, painful as it is, give yourself time.

Great to hear from you op, have been thinking of you. Glad you are feeling a little stronger. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It will get better, bit by bit. Am always here to listen if you need it.

Hello love.
It sounds as if things are moving in the right direction.
It's a slow process and you are moving through It.
Can you make some nice plans to look forward to?
I found that really helpful and passed the bad days.

Maybe new thread, new life? But it has only been a week since you last posted. Feels a lot longer than that, but it isnt.

You need to concentrate on your new life. What would you like it to look like in 1 year's time on October 2 2014?

You'll get through it, OP. The real victory will be when you are detached from him and feel nothing about whether he suffers of flourishes. All this anger you have is great but it indicates the strength of your feeling. Read 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. Your happiness from now on has absolutely no relation to his or to his unhappiness.

Thinking of you - hope you're ok!

An update

Im feeling stronger. I still think about him 24/7 but I am attempting to focus on my new life alone. Im going on holiday with a friend next week which I am both dreading and looking forward to.

Ive had a couple of lapses where I texted him, but I think he has blocked me so I dont think he got them anyway.

Im not suicidal anymore, the AD's must be working! im just looking forward to waking up one day without him in my head at all, then I will know I am going to be OK.

Thank you again to everyone who helped and supported me on this thread. When I look back to the day I first posted, the outcome could have been very different, I was scarily close to ending it all...