Its been 2 weeks, nothings changed, I cant go on

[Justwakingup]

This is going to be all over the place and ranty, but im basically fucked up in the head, so sorry.

No point in name changing, I cant write out my story again anyway.

Its been 18 months since I started to fuck up mine and other peoples lives, 5 weeks since my life changed forever, 2 weeks since I fucked it up even more.

Lots of advice on here, pull yourself together, get help, you deserve it, you will be ok.

Im not ok. I still think about him 24/7. I cant function, I cant eat, I cant sleep, I want to hurt myself, I want to disappear, I want to die.

Even having the kids isnt stopping my thoughts now. Everyone would be better off without me, I fuck up everything I do. I just need to figure out how to go in the least selfish way possible.

The kids will be fine they have their Dad, he loves them, I cant love anyone, I am a shit Mum, a shit friend and a shit person, I am so fucking lonely, but no wonder, im so fucking selfish, who would want to be with me? everyone lies to me, I tried to be nice and a good person but I fuck that one up too.

I have nowhere else to go

I wrote this letter yesterday, I think it was a suicide note, but im too scared to even do that now...

For years and years I put up with being walked all over, used, manipulated, lied to. Nobody thought my feelings counted because I was such a strong person, I was there purely to make people laugh, to have fun with, to be silly. I would listen to people and I would be there for my friends no matter what.

Then I started to feel down. One by one my friends have gone, left me, said horrible things about me. I may have acted odd, I may have done and said some things that were not like ‘me’ but when they left I felt worse, I didn’t know what to do, I kept on grasping out for them, but they said I was ‘needling’ at them, they said I was awful and they told me they wanted nothing to do with me, they wanted me to disappear.

Though all of this I had my ‘rock’ my Andy, who I told everything to, he is married, but we needed each other, or so I thought. He met someone else and he dumped me too. He wants me to disappear.

My business, the one I run with my ex husband, its suffering now, because im struggling to work, to concentrate on anything. He keeps telling me off because I keep doing everything wrong, So I suggested that I find another job and pass the business over to him. He was so excited you could see the glee on his face, hes already talking about the things that will happen when im gone. He wants me to disappear.

My babies, my children, I don’t think they want me to disappear, my few friends that have stood by me, I don’t think they want me to disappear either, but I don’t think its enough, I cant get through any more days feeling like this. My head is full of Andy, I need him to tell me everything is going to be OK like he used to, but I know that he wont tell me that ever again. He never meant any of it. All the things that have got me by in the last year and a half weren’t really true, im not loveable, im not beautiful, im not kind and thoughtful, all those things he said, all lies..

I cant see an end and it hurts so much

Please, please don't harm yourself. You will feel better in time. It might not feel like it now, but you will.
Don't be scared to call your GP and ask for help, that's what they are there for!
Your kids need you, their mum. Please be kind to yourself.

We can talk to you, but are not qualified to advise you. Please get RL help. Tell us you are not going to harm yourself and carry on talking.

I wont.

The only people who would care if I did would be my children and they are the ones that I love the most, how can I hurt them? I am hurting them by being this shell of my old self though

Thank you for talking to me I need someone so much x

Time is a healer. It's still early days for you OP. Get yourself through one day at a time and think 'yay I got through another day!'

I'm speaking from experience. I was you in February - utterly heartbroken and desperate. We have similar stories. 7 months later I look at my DC and wonder how the hell I could think about not being there for them.

I won't lie, it's been hell. I have now been over 3 months NC and finally I feel free of him. By contacting him you are stopping the healing process, you are giving him the headspace that he truly doesn't deserve.

I promise you will feel better in time. Keep talking to us, we are here for you x

Sweetheart I think you really need to walk into your doctor's surgery and not leave. Or go to A&E. If you have to, write down what you are thinking, especially that you are suicidal, and hand it to someone so that you don't have to say the words. Are you still there?

Im still here.

My daughter has just come home. SHe knows something is wrong with me, I can usually hide it but not today. Shes 14, poor girl, I had a crap mother but not this crap, at least she could hold herself together

I'm sorry I don't really have any other advice, but I didn't want you to think no one was here. I'm listening.

Hi love.
I've just stumbled on your thread and can tell how awful and desperate you feel.
The thing with mental illness be it clinical or circumstantial is that it's not a "normal" state if mind so doing anything other than try and get better is futile.
I was a psychiatric nurse done years ago so I'd like to try and help you decide to get some further help if I can.
I've also had my fair share of life's shit too if that helps.
Can you explain why you don't want to go back to the gp?

JWA, stop drinking. You must not have any alcohol, it doesn't soothe you it just makes you more depressed.

keep talking to us, we don't hate you.

Andy is a piece of shit. His character is not your fault and his behaviour is not a mark of your worth.

In the future, when you feel better you will work on what makes you vulnerable and you WILL fix your picker. You are never going to fall for a user again.

Get angry with the person who used you, don't turn that anger in against yourself.

HE is the one who lied.

HE is the one who saw you were vulnerable.

HE is the one who swished his tail in the water and started circling you.

HE is the one who spouted whatever sh*t that made you open to him.

HE is the lying cheat.

HE is the one who betrayed his wife and made you think there was a future.

Get angry with him!

Im not drinking, I havent had a drink for 3 days, it makes me feel worse.

I want to be angry with him, but its my fault I tried to tell his wife, its my fault I still texted him, its my fault I didnt just get dumped gracefully and go away. I cant be angry with him, I still love the stupid bastard, I dont want to, he doesnt deserve anyone to love him, but someone to love is better than nothing.

SOrry I know im not making any sense, im trying I promise I wont do anything stupid, the kids are out so I dont have to put on an act in front of them

Thank you for being there and telling me you dont hate me x

HUGS, HUGS and more HUGS.

I'm not qualified to help you but, I will say it sounds like the root of your negative feelings are not just to do with your partner dumping you. Its sounds like you have struggled with low self esteem for a very long time, and have completely relied on your partner to make you feel like a worthy person. And now that he's gone you literally feel like you have nothing and are worthless, unlovable etc.

This is completely untrue. We are lovable in our own right as human beings, if we show love and reflect that to other people we are worthy of love.

Think of a baby. When a baby is born it is automatically deserving of love. It hasn't 'earned' love and respect it just has a right to it. Think of your own precious children, and how much you love them.

Perhaps you were not shown much love growing up, or something happened to you that has severely twisted your image of yourself and knocked your confidence, and this is the last straw?

This Andy person has hurt you. You are not to blame. We all make mistakes sometimes and do things we aren't always proud of. My closet is heaving. Some people are just better at hiding things they are going through.

Please get yourself some professional help. Go to A and E if necessary. Keep talking.

I dont want to go back to the GP because whilst they are very nice to me I couldnt have been more desperate than I was when I went and they will just say the same thing and send me away. I was begging for help, to be taken away or anything

Yes and nobody never gets over someone do they!
I am ashamed to say that a few years ago in my late thirties I too was shafted by someone I was besotted with.
Nearly a year it took me to get properly over him A YEAR!
Grown adult mother of four devastated and crying for a bloody bloke.
But it does pass and before that gets easier as time passes especially if you try to help yourself.
This time next month you will wonder why you felt so bad.

Ok. Thankyou for answering.
So you went to gp, when? Did you get a referral to a mental health team?

Do you feel as if you are ill or just bloody heart broken?
How do you feel? What physical signs are there?

Well done for not drinking, that's a really positive thing. Look, you still have good judgement about that! Actually what you say does make sense. You have said he doesn't deserve your love. You are protective of your children

Please don't think the GP is the be all and end all, if you are feeling desperate go to A&E. They will realise how desperate you are.

Well done for not drinking that's a huge positive. If you feel really desperate please go to a and e they can and will help you.

Ledkr im ill, I have been for a long time I think, he was just a sticking plaster, I relied on him to cloud over how I felt

I feel sick, I cant eat, I keep retching but nothing comes up, im shaky and my heart is racing, I have beta blockers but the dont work, my memory has gone I cant organise anything more than an hour or so in advance because I will forget even if I write it down

No I didnt get a referrel to a mental heath team, just put on a waiting list for counselling

You mentioned that you used to go to church, and volunteer. Is there a vicar that you can call or email. He or she will help you.

Sorry, should have said hi again,and [hugs].

I havent been to church since I started seeing someone who was married, I couldnt do it, I cant talk to the vicar she will think I abandoned everything, I did abandon everything for him