Its been 2 weeks, nothings changed, I cant go on

[Justwakingup]

This is going to be all over the place and ranty, but im basically fucked up in the head, so sorry.

No point in name changing, I cant write out my story again anyway.

Its been 18 months since I started to fuck up mine and other peoples lives, 5 weeks since my life changed forever, 2 weeks since I fucked it up even more.

Lots of advice on here, pull yourself together, get help, you deserve it, you will be ok.

Im not ok. I still think about him 24/7. I cant function, I cant eat, I cant sleep, I want to hurt myself, I want to disappear, I want to die.

Even having the kids isnt stopping my thoughts now. Everyone would be better off without me, I fuck up everything I do. I just need to figure out how to go in the least selfish way possible.

The kids will be fine they have their Dad, he loves them, I cant love anyone, I am a shit Mum, a shit friend and a shit person, I am so fucking lonely, but no wonder, im so fucking selfish, who would want to be with me? everyone lies to me, I tried to be nice and a good person but I fuck that one up too.

I have nowhere else to go

Go back to church, do those things again, learn from that mistake and be the stronger one. DO NOT GIVE UP - FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

If church attendance is something that comforts you, you should take it up again. Somebody has to forgive you, if you can't forgive yourself.

Although it seems there is warmth for you here, even from the coldest beating hearts of MN ...

< light hearted >

If you don't want to speak to your vicar, you can still pray for strength. I'm not usually one to push the whole God & spirituality thing on others, but if you believe that God exists, then you know that there is someone who loves you wholly and unconditionally, who knows every moment of pain you have been through, and also exactly how you will come out through the other side. Hang in there, and fight to get the help you need.

JWA, God knows everything and he still loves you!

That is what redemption is about, remember. It is not about making a mistake, it is not about being wrong. It is about falling and being broken and knowing you are being still being held in love.

It was so unfortunate of this wanker to take advantage of you like this. But remember JMA pain is sent to teach us stuff.

What was happening before?

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

Yes you do sound ill.
Good point about the sticking plaster. Now it's time to fa e this and solve it and that means seeing a different gp and asking for a referral. List all your symptoms and tell them you have contemplated suicide.
Have you a friend who will come with you? Where are you? Someone will offer I'm sure.
Nobody has to suffer like this anymore psychiatric treatment is amazing. They can target your depression and reduce the anxiety at the same time.

I also think you really do need to push for a referral. Is there someone you trust who can come with you?
If you found comfort in God before maybe your vicar is worth a call. I'm not at all religious but it may help and as I understand it God will always see and forgive.
Keep posting look at all the people here reaching out, we don't hate you and though we are strangers on the Internet we care.

Im in York.

I dont even care if anyone knows who I am

Thank you for caring

www.yorkmind.org.uk/what-we-do/advocacy/

There you go. Amazing organisation. They will really help you to get the help you need.
Do you feel able to call them or shall I?

We care because lots if us have been there.
Life Is a bitch sometimes a d I'm so grateful for my friends I don't know what I'd do without them.

I dont know what to say, please will you call them?

Yes. I will have a chat and see how they can support you and them get you a named worker to call directly.
Try to do damage limitation tonight.
Eat a few mouthfuls of something.
Drink a warm drink.
Have a bath and snuggle up in bed with a easy book.
Anything to distract you.
Remember that anxiety is worse in early morning so if you wake up anxious, get up and do something.
Getting better starts tomorrow.

Just to say I'm thinking of you justwakingup

You sound in the depths and I know it's not a great place to be. Please stay with us and keep posting.

I've got smallish hands but they're virtually holding yours at the moment.

Thank you I am crying right now because you have all been so nice to me. I am going to have a cup of tea and a bath, I cant read a book because the words just swim in front of me, but I will put on a film in bed and try and sleep

Watch something nice and not sad or frightening. And I hope you sleep well. Please try to be a little kinder to yourself

Just a thought but at 14 your daughter might be more support than you think. Don't need to burden her maybe just tell her you are struggling and feeling sad.
She rather that than worry I'd imagine.

That sounds like a good plan, I hope you can get some rest x

Ledkr you're a gem. So kind. JWU thinking of you.

Thanks peanut it's hard to hear someone so obviously desperate isn't it?

and for you to start the day.

Morning J how did you sleep? Have been thinking of you.
Ledkr

Morning JWU. Hope you got some rest.

I have a strong faith and have suffered terribly from anxiety attacks - even ended up in A&E hooked up to a heart monitor.

I'm de-lurking to share a tip that helped me.

When I feel panic building i just repeat "Be still and know that I am God". Each time, put the emphasis on a different word - so "BE still and know that I am God" then "Be STILL and know that I am God", etc.

That also give me some comfort when I don't feel able to pray.

If you'd like some help finding some Christina support where you are - but where you don't know anyone - PM me and I'll help.

Morning.

I had 12 hours sleep!! the kids went to school without waking me this morning (they texted, they werent just missing!)

I feel so much better for the big sleep, it must have been the kind words on this thread last night because I havent slept like that in months.

I feel positive this morning. I will go up and down I know, but today I am going to have a good day. I cried and then I stopped, instead of letting the tears keep falling. Im going to beat this I really am.

I cant thank everyone enough for being there yesterday xx