Ex's anger problems and impact on children

[mrsbingle]

In many ways my ex is a very good ex. He pays child support, on the dot, every time, he takes huge interest in the dc and is reliable about pick ups and drop offs.

The children are 6 & 10, and spend 2 nights a week with him.

Last night I got a call from my dd holed up in a bedroom saying "Dad is going crazy, yelling and hitting." I said I'd pick her up and asked her to pass the phone to her dad, he was able to contain himself enough to say "OK" when I said I was going to pick her up.

When I got there she was at the door waiting, then the younger one came flying out, howling at the top of his lungs. (I had assumed he would be in bed asleep.) He climbed into the car and I told him to buckle up and close his door.

My ex stood there looking very grim but didn't say anything.

Took the kids home, calmed them down & put them to bed.

Later I got a text from ex saying he was sorry, he'd lost it and had hit them both and that he thinks it might be better for them with him out of their lives.

This has happened countless times before with the exception of the remorseful text.

I am unsure what to do. I have toyed with phoning police about his violence towards them, with doing nothing, with resigning myself to the fact that he's a lost cause and to get on with our lives without him, and with trying to talk sense into him.

I am trying to work out what will be the least damaging way forward for the children and I'm not sure that no contact is the answer. Surely this will cause terrible grief and issues of rejection?

His own father was an alcoholic who shut himself away and did not speak to anyone for years. My ex carries a lot of grief about that. His insight into his own behaviour, however, is nil. One day he'll be knee deep in remorse and self pity, the next he'll be blaming the children.

I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you for reading this.

I am quite happy to state that I would like all abusive men to kill themselves. Particularly the ones who threaten suicide to get their own way.

OP, honestly, cut contact between this piece of shit and your DC. It's harmful for them to spend time with an abusive man. You dumped him, and quite rightly, so why should they have to put up with him when they can't relax for fear he might have a tantrum and start hurting them?

Thanks freemanbatch that is really helpful. Much appreciated.

Dolly In the years we were together, he changed from a gentle person who would do anything for anyone to a man who just oozed anger. By the end he was drinking heavily and erupting into rages when he would smash things, throw things etc. I remember locking myself into the bedroom breastfeeding the baby and the 5yo curled up beside me. He broke into the room and yelled, threw things etc.

It was around that time I was trying to get him to leave. It took ages but in the end he did go.

A lot of time has passed since then. He has been seeing a counsellor sort of person for a long time and has completed several parenting courses. He has supportive friends.

We had gotten past the bile of his last year in the house and built an amicable relationship where we kept each other informed about the children.

Not sure where I'm going with this!

No idea how I'm going to manage.

OK, so you can remember how you felt that day you locked yourself into the bedroom and, presumably, the terror you felt when he broke in and threw things around in rage.

That's how your kids must be feeling when he loses his rag with them on access weekends. Is that what you want?

I would guess that part of your fear that day was how you were going to protect your children from his rage.
Ask yourself that again now. How are you going to protect them from him? You're not there in person when they visit. So the only way you can do it is to cut (unsupervised) access.

clam yes that's a good way of looking at it, thank you.

I think I am feeling a bit shocked actually, partly because I thought things were better these days and partly because I don't know how on earth I am going to manage with no childcare.

You need to protect the children.

Gather as much evidence and go to court if you have to.

Insist on supervised contact.

He should contribute towards child care, if he's not going to have them.

Check with a solicitor and how you stand legally.
Find as much local help as possible, even if that includes contacting some form of social services or child protection agencies.

Lweji I was just mulling that idea over, thanks.
I could ask him to pay for a babysitter once a week. Then the kids are safe and I can cope.

I appreciate the advice about legals but I really don't think he'll fight to see them. If he does, I will apply for supervised access thingey.

My dc are 10 & 6 and what you have just stated makes me sick. Why the hell are you sending your children to an abuser?! Phone the police immediately because you are not protecting your own children.

Thanks CookieB the first time I've laughed in a few hours.

You sound unhinged! Are you sure you meant to post in Relationships? You would be a lot happier in AIBU

Why are you laughing?! I was in an abusive relationship for a long time. Exdp never hit the dc, only me after 8/9 years together but he did tell them I was a slag! Stop your fucking laughing and have a think about your kids because there is nothing amusing about your children being hit.

My ex h was the same way with my kids. Ive had to go get them at short notice under very similar circumstances. Ive had to go "rescue" Dd and her friend who were barricaded into her room at his house, I could hear him shouting,screaming and smashing stuff when she called for help. she was 13ish and begged me not to call the cops. The difference is he always wanted to see the kids and would come get them when he was sposed to but I could hear him shouting at them before they were out of my driveway.

They are older now and see him on their own terms,when and if they want.He is reaping what he sowed

They always begged me not to call cops and stopping contact wasnt an option due to a court order so all I could do was make sure they knew Id come get them whenever they needed me to,and I did frequentlyarsehole

CookieB - Stop your fucking laughin

Like I said, you sound unhinged, abusive really. You can jog along now, I'm not interested in talking to you anymore.

theolddragon01876 I'm sorry to hear that, horrible isn't it.

I have emailed my ex. I have asked him to contribute towards a babysitter, to think about getting proper help (clearly his counsellor seeing isn't making enough difference) and to think carefully about his behaviour and choices. My brother in law died alone, wasn't found for 10 days, after giving up on his wife and then children.

I'm relieved that you are keeping the children away from this man. If he was anyone else and there was no genetic link, it wouldn't even be a question. You'll manage with childcare because the alternative is too terrible to contemplate. If he decides not to do anything about improving his mental health or alcohol problem it really isn't your responsibility. Look after yourself and your children now and let him continue to make his own bed

Really OP your reaction is quite strange, I'm not surprised that you have received some angry posts. It doesn't reflect well on you to belittle and insult someone who is posting out of shock and concern for your children. You know your children have 'copped slaps and yanks' and you know he is an aggressive, violent, angry man who loses his temper with them 'countless times', you know you were scared of him and he has no moderation around the children, you know your son is developing anger and shame issues, yet you continued to send them every week because why? You needed the childcare? That is quite shocking. That is really not a protective parent's actions. I cannot understand why you would allow this abuse to continue, but you have. Thankfully now you seem committed to stopping it. Please follow through!

ehric my reaction is not strange at all. Have you ever walked in my shoes? No, you have not. I can tell you how it is, you cannot. My reaction is perfectly normal. I am shocked, upset, and trying to find a way forward.

I hope the your ex comes back agreeing to pay for a child minder.

It sounds like the country you're in has a healthy attitude towards social work in a broad sense. It might be a good place to see if you can get some sort of help for your son (and maybe daughter too). They're been through traumatising events that they are not emotionally mature enough to process, but have clearly affected them. Keeping them safe is important, but healthy is too. Your son is showing signs of suffering and if he can be helped to feel better now, it will truly affect the rest of his life. I'm sure you wouldn't let a physical injury alone hoping time will work some magic if he was showing signs of it hurting. His behaviour is showing signs of distress. It takes a lot less to help process this sort of thing in a child while it's new, than it does when they're an adult and it's become a part of how they define themselves and how relationships work.

Pushed send too soon!

I'm sorry that this has happened to your children and you, because it sounds like you've been through enough because of him.

He sounds like a man in a great deal of pain - although that excuses nothing.

I'd let it lie and cut contact if I were you. XP was abusive and after a while, and many incidents, he said he wouldn't see the dc's until they were 18. It's been 4yrs now with no contact , and he still pays maintenance.

You should report him to the police, for the simple reason that he has no reason to address his anger issues ever if you don't. He will just be out of the children's lives. You are doing no one a favour by being passive.

I can see why posters are angry that the OP has repeatedly allowed her children to go to a house where they are shouted at and hit. Children will love their parents unconditionally, but that is not a safe environment. Saying that there are times where everyone has lost their temper. So without being there it is not possible to judge the situation perfectly. But. Now that OP finally feels this is a real problem and is going too far, where she to keep sending her children there that is misjudged and IMO blinkered and cruel. Children are not better off with contact with a violent parent. Those children need a strong adult to speak to them and help them deal with this situation emotionally and not make excuses for that man (if you can't do it get them a children's counsellor!). And he needs some serious time out to deal with his issues. It is not ok to shout at or hit children to the extent they call their other parent for help. And definitely NOT ok to send them back into that environment. Children are defenseless and learning about relationships from their childhood experiences.

My children now do not have any direct contact with their abusive father. It took me years of fighting thro the courts to obtain this protection for them.

Have you considered your youngest might be violent and angry because its behaviour he has learned from his father and you?

Your children were in a position where the eldest had to call you to come and rescue them.

I suggest all direct contact be stopped immediately, if he wants to keep in contact he can write to them, email them, phone them and send them gifts thro the post.

If he can't be asked then that's his business, your only option is to ensure your children are protected and not suffering physical and emotional abuse from their father.

I'd also suggest family therapy for you and the children.

cantreach thank you for your thoughtful post.

Ex has emailed back to say he's open to the idea of paying for childcare.

I think it is a money issue for me. If money were no object I would hire babysitters. This has helped me realise that.

I feel we have reached a point where things need to change.

I have in the past sought professional help for my daughter but because she appears to manage (she is a high achiever, very sociable, no behavioural issues) she wasn't accepted.

I do feel worried for my son. I want him to have some positive male role models in his life. But in that regard we only have a nice neighbour and a guitar teacher!

fuzzywuzzy without a shadow of a doubt, I believe my son is mirroring his father's angry ways.

Why not put supervised contact in place now; rather than withholding contact completely and waiting for him to ask?

Your DCs will continue to have a safe, positive relationship with their Dad while he seeks further help and support.

Of course, you can't force him to either see them, or seek help, but if you do what you can for them, then he has a choice and it may prevent total estrangement from their Dad as they grow up.

If a stranger in the street behaved that way to your children, how do you think they would feel? It is actually worse when someone who is supposed to love them hurts them. There is also a chance that your son will see his father's behaviour as something he should copy and go on to behave in a violent way to his wife and children when he grows up.

I think a lot of people get upset and angry about children being hurt, when they need not be hurt. There is going to be a very strong reaction.

Please do not find childcare that treat your children the way your ex does.

Perhaps the best way to address the matter is to explain that Daddy is having a bit of trouble with his temper and until he sorts it out then they can't see him the same way but that you still both love them. You could try also insisting that he see them only in public places, if his behaviour would be curbed then. I don't think there are any easy answers, good luck.