how evil am I ?

[queenbitchapparently]

Dp is at uni at the mo.
He has two children from his marriage and is going through messy custody rows with his ex.
He was supposed to have them last night.
He tried to reorganise it with ex on MONDAY night.
She (as she is want to do) was completely unhelpful refused to re arrange the contact for another time (I don't know why he though she would agree to it)
He went anyway and missed seeing his kids.
I was miffed about it.
He was talking about it and stressing and I said he shouldn't have gone to the uni thing.
He said that he had to show commitment to thw course like the others.
I said that his situation was different he had court ordered contact to keep up before the next hearing and he should not be missing seeing his kids for anything and that his family should always be his number one priority.
According to him this means that I am not supporting him, don't care about anything but my opinion, don't care about hurting his feelings, criticising him and generally being mean and unhelpful.
Maybe I missed judged the sutuation or perhaps i should have left the maybe next time conversation, till he wasn't so raw about it.
He is a grown up though and choose to meet his new learning mentor than see his children.
I saw this as a bad decision.
I try not to get involved in things to do with his ex as it generally leads to un happiness.
I do have very strong feelings on parents letting children down re contact though, particularly when his ex can use it against him, no matter how important he thinks the reason is.
So am I evil?.

No, I don't think you are.

Are you sure you want to get involved with him when things are still so messy?

If he doesn't realise he needs to make his kids the priority then you'll only be delaying the inevitable by getting involved anyway.

Not evil. But, like Offred, I wonder if this is something you really want to be so close to. You can't influence the outcome yet you get blamed for having an opinon .... worst of both worlds and not something you should tolerate. Maybe the ex isn't as unreasonable as he's painting? Let him manage the thing his own way and, if it turns out he's the type of man that lets his children down, judge him accordingly.

You're not. He should have seen his children. Agreed with offred is this someone you should be involved with?

His ex is what would be termed as abusive.
She destroyed him in lots of ways he has had councelling.
She is beyond hard work and likes to use the children to hurt him.
To this end I sometimes feel he distances himself from them a bit.
I have had to step back from the issues with his ex as it has caused problems between us much to her delight.
If I had a crystal ball and could see how vile she would be I would have run a mile.
So no I don't think she is a particularly nice or reasonable person.
What angers me most tbh is that he still expects her to behave in a decent manner and doesn't plan for her when she doesn't.
She has stopped contact several times for the most bizarre of reasons.
Just as I have strong feelings on nrp not letting children down. I have strong feeling on rp keeping up contact unless children are in danger.

Of course you're not evil.
He made his choice. His course over his children.

And I also wonder if this is someone you really want to be involved with. Not because of the mess by itself, but because of his attitude towards you and his children.

Have you actually seen the abuse or heard about it?

Are you with this man because you feel sorry for him or you think he needs protecting from his wicked ex? Does 'DP is at uni' mean you're all quite young?

I suppose the question would also be whether you have strong feelings about supporting your partner in his wish to study. The degree may give him all sorts of opportunities to move forward, and it is an important commitment. In time this may also give his children the sense that education and study may open new doors for them

If you don't think the course is important, but - for reasons that may be connected to your own background - think that when there's a clash of commitments - the contact schedule must always be the most important thing, then perhaps you and your partner do see things very differently.

But perhaps the problem is caused by the strain of his ex's unreasonable inflexibility, rather than your partner's wish to be a learner as well as father?

Did you read Frau that the DP tried to change his contact arrangement around only the day before?

Meeting your uni tutor is not more important than the contact arrangement even if the course is a great important one.

Apart from anything else the clash and the late notice were his fault. These are his things to manage and you can't just try to rearrange contact the night before.

I think you're all being a bit mean - this was a one off, where he put the uni course above his children.

In my life, my kids usually comes first, but they both know that sometimes, the job has to take priority, because that is what pays the bills.
DP is doing the course (I assume) to make a better life for you, himself, and his kids. They will be pleased when his earning potential is increased because of it, and therefore their standard of living. If they don't understand this, then someone should explain this to them.

Seen and heard about.
She treats everyone like an employee.
She sent an expectations email to dp's mother after they had second child and made her cry.
Perhaps she us a perfectly lovely person outside this situation.
Though medical professionals, social workers and lawyers all agree that there are some serious control issues involved.
Since she cannot control our house or me or dp anymore she likes to try however she can.
That is all kind of irrelevant (i think) though I understand why you would bring it up.
There are loads of men out there bemoaning their ex and calling the crazy. I peronally think this is one of the few occasions it is true.
He has been damaged by his relationship with her, that shows in his extreme reactions to what he perceives as personal criticism as he could do nothing right and still can not.
I suppose the issue I have is not about them but about me.
I am a forth right person I don't know how to be anything else.
I worry that given his past I am going to take him backwards by being myself, being honest and in trying to help I will ultimately make him hate me.
Does that make sense?

No not young all been married for over 10 yrs as he was married for over 10 years as was I.

When my partner's ex rang - as she sometimes did, at quite short notice - to ask for changes in the arrangements to do with care of the stepchildren because of the training she'd started doing we did not think, 'Oh she is a bad mother who does not care about her children and should be at home with them and put the first every single moment of every single day.' We simply adjusted our own plans and felt glad that she was doing her best to move forward in her life after a difficult separation. Most parents have to do this sort of juggling act in relation to childcare at one time or another.

What put me off him is not so much that he missed contact, but how and his response to the OP.

"According to him this means that I am not supporting him, don't care about anything but my opinion, don't care about hurting his feelings, criticising him and generally being mean and unhelpful."

Was this the first time?
Why were you miffed if it was a one off?

Why is the ex so inflexible?
Is he always this late rearranging contact?

I can see that I could be described as a bitch by my ex, yet he's the one who constantly messes around contact, is late, misses it, etc.
Sometimes the resident parent has to stand up for the children.

Sorry, cross post.

If you are a nrp you have to prioritise your contact arrangement otherwise your children feel unimportant. As a nrp you have your whole life to fulfil work or uni commitments and a few hours a week to see the children.

Prioritising contact does not necessarily mean never changing the arrangement around. What it does mean is;

1. Making a realistic arrangement that you can stick to.
2. Changing that arrangement to something realistic as soon as possible and with plenty of notice when things change in your commitments.
3. Only cancelling an individual contact when absolutely necessary
4. Giving plenty of time when contact has to be cancelled or rearranged.

Above all it is important to just stick to what you've agreed. Damaging for kids not to know whether they are coming or going.

Honestly I don't think anything should be more important than contact with your children.
Though of course sometimes other things come up and there should be a degree of flexiablity between the parents.
Unfortunately his ex will use this in court that he did not take part in his contact because he had something more important to do.
She is already saying that if current contact can not be up held then they will need look at it again in court.
I was mostly angry because he didn't sort it out with enough time and still went knowing her response was no.
It won't be explained to the children in that way. She will tell them he was to busy to see them.
That is why my response wasn't aww that is really bad and was more ohhhhh you should have known better.

My partner was self-employed. This meant the children wouldn't know in advance whether it was their Dad or me picking them up when we saw them after school, or on the weekends when they came to us. But the important things were that one of us did, and they had their tea, could have friends round etc. The children seemed to be pretty secure all things considered.

Slightly older children do understand about jobs and work, and that their parents sometimes have important things to do. Even quite small ones can get the point if it's explained in simple terms and the contact is rearranged for the next suitable date.

What really upsets children is parents who use contact between the ex and them (the children of the former relationship) as pawns in some kind of psychological warfare that they have an emotional investment in fighting.

Court won't care so much about one missed contact, if it was justified.

Unless it has happened other times.

No he as a general rule does not re arrange contact. He is never late to pick them up etc.
The other side of the coin is that in a few weeks we will get a message from ex saying she has arranged things during his contact time and they can make up the time and we can't do anyhing about it except accept it and try to be as accommodating as possible.
It is unfortunately not a two way street..

It is not the first time he has not thought the consequences of his actions out properly and that makes me angry.
Also I think he is angry with him self and is taking out on me.
When I said this this morning, he told me " fuck you if you fucking think that, really fuck you" and stormed off to uni.
Which for me kind of proved my point.
I believe if he knows his missing a contact could hurt his children because his ex wants to use them that way he should do everything in his power to prevent that.

It's often very difficult to make an assessment of a fraught situation when you are aligned with one of the parties involved. Yes, your DP may be the exception to the 'lots of men unjustifiably think their exes are unreasonable' - but bear in mind that unless you are physically in the court hearings, appointments etc at which lots of professionals agree that he is in the 'right', then you might be hearing his 'spin' on things. Trying to change contact arrangements at less than 24h notice for a non-emergency? Not sure that's reasonable. Feeling that ' he has been damaged by his relationship with her, that shows in his extreme reactions to what he perceives as personal criticism as he could do nothing right and still can not.' - so he's a man who needs to feel he's right - could this predate his marriage, rather than be a result of it? Keep your eyes and mind wide open, would be my advice.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, he seems to be engaging in some very black-and-white, guilt trippy thinking. As others have said, his response to the OP is what concerns me.

Lots of people have had abusive exs.
They don't behave like this.

Yes I have been at appointments and medation and all manner of apps in and around the children.
He is not a man that can not be in the wrong he is usually the opposite very pacifying and forgiving (hence ten years with a person that put him down in every respect)
He usually only loses his temper if he feels he is being unfairly treated whether that is right or wrong.
The point for me is not whether his ex is a crazy lady or not.
I have made up my mind about that awhile ago.
It is more aibu to think this way and expect him to see the error of his ways.