how evil am I ?

[queenbitchapparently]

Dp is at uni at the mo.
He has two children from his marriage and is going through messy custody rows with his ex.
He was supposed to have them last night.
He tried to reorganise it with ex on MONDAY night.
She (as she is want to do) was completely unhelpful refused to re arrange the contact for another time (I don't know why he though she would agree to it)
He went anyway and missed seeing his kids.
I was miffed about it.
He was talking about it and stressing and I said he shouldn't have gone to the uni thing.
He said that he had to show commitment to thw course like the others.
I said that his situation was different he had court ordered contact to keep up before the next hearing and he should not be missing seeing his kids for anything and that his family should always be his number one priority.
According to him this means that I am not supporting him, don't care about anything but my opinion, don't care about hurting his feelings, criticising him and generally being mean and unhelpful.
Maybe I missed judged the sutuation or perhaps i should have left the maybe next time conversation, till he wasn't so raw about it.
He is a grown up though and choose to meet his new learning mentor than see his children.
I saw this as a bad decision.
I try not to get involved in things to do with his ex as it generally leads to un happiness.
I do have very strong feelings on parents letting children down re contact though, particularly when his ex can use it against him, no matter how important he thinks the reason is.
So am I evil?.

I was a bit puzzled by the OP asking whether she was 'evil'. That is a very black-and-white word.

It sounds as though the OP's partner is a) generally reliable about contact but b) may have some issues about sorting things out in advance.

I can imagine that if

1. I had so many difficulties with an ex that contact had to be arranged via the courts
2. was upset about being unable to reschedule contact
3. stressed about new course and
4. feeling even more stressed because my current partner informed me that in her opinion I had made the wrong decision as a father I might not be at my best and react to challenges in an angry and emotional manner.

I suppose I'd want to ask the OP what their relationship was like generally. Do you communicate well, enjoy the same things, have similar values?

He usually only loses his temper if he feels he is being unfairly treated whether that is right or wrong.

Curiously, that is similar to my exH...

I would imagine that how damaged someone is from being with an abusive partner is not really a judgment someone else can make.
Nor how they then learn to cope with it afterwards. Different people deal with their experiences differently.
I understand they reason why he reacts the way he does and I applaude it in someways as I think he needs to be able to stand up for himself.
I just don't know if I am the best person for him given the way I am.

You sound as if you care about him anyway...

I think you did the right thing op. youve got be honsest. He probably knew he was walking Into a trap and that's why he is frustrated with himself and you.

Ex p often might suggest change childrens arrangements for work or training- if I can't do it I'll suggest someone who can. This woman clearly enjoys controlling him and that's v hard to live with.

Sometimes the resident parent has to stand up for the children.

^^ this.

I just don't know if I am the best person for him given the way I am.

If he wants a yes person, then you are probably right.

But it's not that you are evil. :)

It's just that he doesn't seem to cope with possibly being wrong, really.

You could suggest counselling for him, if he admits that he may have a problem.

I agree with what lweji has said.

I also wonder whether he has got into a relationship too soon. It all seems a bit raw. Maybe he needs time to 'find' himself. You were honest in what you said to him, but he took it as criticism. It is not your fault that his ex treated him badly. But there are also two sides to every story. His ex will know how to push his buttons and it seems to me that he thinks you are doing the same thing and is, therefore, feeling 'picked' on.

You don't want his self-esteem issues to become your self-esteem issues.

Our relastionship is generally good, we get on, have lots in common and we love each other.
We have been arguing more and more for probably overthe last year.
Often to do with the way he delt with his ex and the children.
For example I asked him to get the courts involved with the children quite early on in our relationship.
After seeing how devastated he would be when she would refuse contact for various bizarre reasons.
He didn't for a long time, choosing the path of least resistance and not wanting to rock the boat further.
When we had our own child it became doubly important because this was our childs siblings and it wasn't just his children suffering but ours as well.
Even in doing this he isn't chasing things up and forcing issues and is just waiting and seeing.
I am a very proactive person with this type of thing but I had to seriously detached myself from it all as I was starting to have some serious anxiety issues.
I am starting to get that all under control, but am still concerned about thingsvand when I bring it up he feels I am criticising him, which I suppose I am on some level but it is more about what I think is hoing on or what we could do to prevent this in the future yada yada yada.
But I would say that we do have some communication issues that we need to work on.
I am just not sure how.

I agree. I said quite a few times that I wish I had met him two years later.
I have suggested councelling to him and he agreed in principle because of how much it helped him before and during his break up.
He has not got around to it, we also suggested sone couples counseling which he said he would arrange.
He has not.
I could and he would go, I don't really know why I haven't.
I kind of think he said he would sort it so he should. Thats a bit silly though.

I used the term evil frau because thats what I felt like.
I don't want to feel like that and was looking for some impartial brains to look at the situation and tell me if I was being a cow.
It is not the first time I have felt like it with him.
Like I said he is very pacifying and if he think he has hurt me he will do what he can to make it up to me.
I don't work like that, if I am in the wrong I will say sorry.
If I am not in the wrong but I can see you are upset I can stretch to a I am sorry your feelings are hurt.
Other than that I am a bit of a truth giver (or at least how I see it)
Doesn't always do me favours.

He is in the wrong and he is especially wrong to take it out on you.

I do feel for him though - it is hell to be fighting over every courtesy - the fact the kids can't come to you while dad has something important to do clearly isn't an option. He must feel ground down.

I sometimes found it quite stressful when my partner was troubled about issues to do with his ex/the lack of co-operation between them/their children/my stepchildren. (The stepchildren are young adults now.)

Maybe there's a level on which he (sometimes) needs you to be the dynamic one, who says 'Look something has to be done.'

(No, you don't come across as evil. Just as somebody who sometimes has strong opinions. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, and can be a good thing.)

Oh god thisis, if only that were an option.
But no it isn't, she hates me for no other reason than I am with her ex and stopped contact gor a month when we moved in together.
I have a fab relationship with his kids. It is hard for him.
And having to watch everything you say and do around them because mummy interrogates them when they get home with questions like did anything bad happen at daddys?
Is quite exhausting and a horrible poistion for the children to be in.

Ok so Frau you are saying that your partner is self employed and so at the arranged contact time it would be either you or him who picked the dc up from his ex?

That is not at all the same as if the kids were left without a stable contact time. It is completely different in fact.

My dc often get picked up by their aunt if their dad is running late or at work, that does not make me or them bat an eyelid.

However him telling us the night before contact is due that he can't do it is gutting for them. They've been really damaged by his "I know I made this arrangement but I can't do it because I have to work" attitude.

They quite rightly feel that he (or his family/wife) should be absolutely able to commit to the couple of hours a week he spends with them and he should be able to manage his other commitments around it. We certainly have to make a commitment to manage our family life around when it is convenient for him to see them.

Anyway, it's a digression. I agree that using the children as a weapon is also very damaging.

I really don't mind being proactive for him...providing the advice I give or action I do is acted upon.
If we are dealing with the same situations 1 yr, 2yrs or more down the line there isn't much else I can do.
Only so many times you can download a court form or order advise booklets ultimately he has to be the one that implements it.
He is the one that has to stand up for his and his childrens rights.

I don't think you should be proactive for him.

He does need to do it himself.

Either his children matter more to him or his self pity does.

It is shit, I agree. I only had a short time of it - Dss was older when me and DH met but DH was so ground down by it all. He usually is massively proactive but I found him so...weak on the question of his ex. Fifteen years of having your relationship with your kids completely controlled by someone else will do that to you.

The only time I was proactive there was a massive row and she refused contact for a long time so it might be best to let him deal with it his way. It's not how you or I would do it, but it sounds like he is trying.

I do always find it interesting the difference between opinion on women in abusive relationship and men in abusive relationships.
The fact that he was afraid of this women for years had every shred of confidence crushed and continued to be afraid of her after is considered "self pity"
I know the terminology used would be very different for a women in the same situation.
It isn't the first time that mentioning his situation people have encouraged me to see that he is lying and probably was never in an abusive relationship and two sides to every story.
I read day in on here about women who are encouragedto leave their abusive other halfs and be brave. Rebuild their selfconfidence etc.
But a man should, suck it up, get over it ,not be changed by the ordeal?
I guess I mention it because my post was more did I deal with it wrong and how long can you try to help someone so hurt.
Not a leave the bastard thing.
(As you can probably tell the self pity thing riled me a bit)

That's not what I'm considering self pity.

Believe me, I'm been where he was and for months and years after was subjected to harassment and court cases by my ex.

I didn't wallow, get a boyfriend who would do things for me and allow my children to be damaged more and more by my ex.

I've fought tooth and nail to protect them.

He has a responsibility to those children. There is support for him to access that would help him.

I don't think it is acceptable to use the effects of abuse as an excuse for letting your children down and for leaving them with someone who is continuing to abuse them.

What I'm bothering about and I suppose trying to get you to see is that there is a point where not doing anything to make things better becomes being complicit.

My exH has to answer a criminal case because of his harassment.

I don't react like your DP.

And, for your sake, don't try to heal him. It's not your responsibility and you are letting yourself enter a dangerous quick sand pit.

I agree about the complicitness and that is my issue to.
But also having seen how the court system works have a new found agreement with those fathers for justice men.
He can't prove EA and can't prove she is like it with the children.
Though I think some of the medical professional involved are seeing the beginning of some damaging behaviour.
But yes I want him to stand up for the children and himself and us at every corner.
When he has though he lawyer has cautioned him against seeming petty and constantly putting the mother down. Go figure.

"I guess I mention it because my post was more did I deal with it wrong and how long can you try to help someone so hurt."

Having this women in your lives must be such a drain for both of you and he is lucky to have you and your strong personality on his side.
He stupidly (sorry) walked straight in to that, and he really should have known better. I persoally don't see how you could softly perhaps even tactfully point out what a silly thing to do, because was quite simply a blindingly obvious mistake!
You say you both now have a DC and I can see how it must effect you, because you want your DC to have a relationship with its half-siblings. If I was in your situation, I would want the same.
When dealing with a 'dangerous' bit of work, you 'both' have to be very clear and consistent on your actions/approach to achieve the end result.