Help - my husband is morbidly obese

[BigFellaThanks]

I don't know what to do about my husband's weight anymore.

He's been a very big bloke ever since we met. We're talking close to 30 stone.

I have always loved and fancied him, so this is NOT about any kind of vanity thing or me being shallow in any way. I feel disloyal enough posting this so please do not flame me - I just really need help.

I am very concerned about his health, and I think it's also starting to affect our relationship.

There have been various things during our marriage that I thought/hoped he would lose weight for, like our wedding, our children coming along and so on. We've talked about how he wishes he could run around with our boys, and about how he hates the idea that they'll get teased about the way their dad looks. He's never done it though - and to be honest I find it quite hard that he can't even do it for our kids.

He lost about 4 stone a few years back but then when it dropped off a bit he gave up and put it all back on again, and hasn't lost much since. He'll occasionally drop a stone and then put it back on again, but most of the time he really doesn't try very hard and makes lots of excuses.

I'm not unsympathetic - I have three children (two his, one from a previous marriage) and I gained masses of weight with each and slogged to lose it again, so I know how hard it is - but I also know that I did it.

I've tried taking over his diet completely - (at his request) - ie basically putting him on a diet plan and then doing all his meals, but a) this is massive pressure on me with three kids to look after and b) it's very, very bad for our marriage as I will be getting up early to make him breakfast and pack a lunch for him and then find out he's eaten cake at work that day, and then it feels really personal, you know? Like he's stomped on MY efforts as well as his own. Or I'll be serving up a healthy meal I've cooked and he'll come into the kitchen and start buttering bread for a snack and I feel like crying.

Our sex life is good - but we are quite restricted in what we can do, position wise, and I would enjoy a bit more variety. I also have to say - since there's no point in not being completely honest here - that I sometimes feel really taken for granted, that he doesn't want to lose weight for me, when I am very conscious of still wanting him to fancy me and my post-baby body issues and all that, and work quite hard to overcome these things (exercise etc). I do feel a little embarrassed at times when I introduce him to people for the first time, as I know they are thinking things about the way he looks and will talk about it later. He's a very big man. I would love to go out for a meal with him and not worry that people are looking at us, and not worry about whether the chairs in the restaurant are strong enough for him (which is not always the case... )

His problem is that he seems to have very little self control when it comes to food. It's like an addiction. He also eats huge portions of everything, and really enjoys food.

Finally, he has seen a doctor and tried diet pills twice which didn't work as they give you the shits if you eat too much fat, so in the end he didn't take them if he'd had a 'bad food day' and they wouldn't prescribe more in the end. He's seen a nutritionist who told him that he knows what he should be doing and she can't really help him anymore as he is just not doing it, and it's really up to him! We've also talked about surgery but I am very, very anxious at the idea of him going under the knife at his weight. Essentially I have a husband walking around today and although the worry of the heart attack etc is there (I keep asprin on me at all times), he's still here. I feel terrified that he'll go under for surgery and have complications and die, and I'll think that it was all unnecessary as his health (blood pressure, cholesterol etc) is actually surprisingly normal.

Finally finally - he is the loveliest man on earth. I am so, so in love with him and he is my soulmate. I've tried talking to friends and family but nobody really knows what to do, so that is why I'm turning to you for advice. I just want to make sure my lovely husband is around for a long and happy life with me and our beautiful children.

What do I do?

Low carb, low fat is good. I mentioned Atkins initially because someone suggested low carb, HIGH fat.
this is what happens when people don't read the whole thread.

I find it quite interesting that DH never once considered trying Atkins - but I mentioned Dukan and he was off (after a bit of research). I know he always over provided pasta on meals for everyone - so not cooking it or me cooking a small amount for me and DS occasionally is much better for everyone. It does make meals 'interesting' as we're all eating different things - but its certainly worth it in the difference its made for DH.

I often think that while many people fall into a cycle of over-eating because emotional pain, or historic trauma it can't possibly be the case for everyone. There are as many complex combined reasons for being fat as there are fat people - everyone will have their own personal mix of factors; medical, physiological, genetic, lifestyle, emotional, psychological, financial, educational, that make them prone to fatness or over-eating. Not everyone who has a dysfunctional relationship with food is fat, not all fat people have a dysfunctional relationship with food. Some people eat appalling crap in unnecessary quantities and don't get fat.

Each person needs to really explore what their fatness 'profile' is, if you like, and then spend some time coming to understand it and accept it, and recognise triggers and weak spots. Only then can you begin to consciously change it. Otherwise you just go around in cycles of bitterness, hopelessness and denial. For some people that might mean having intensive therapy to address deep seated emotional pain, for others it might be much less complicated to understand in theory, but no less difficult to tackle in practice.

BigFella if you want to know anything about bariatric surgery please feel free to PM me or ask on here.

I lost my 10 stone in 2 years due to having had my stomach size reduced. The reason it is only 10 stone is because my fertility came back and I fell pregnant and so spent 9 months of the last 2 years pregnant. I lost 2 stone whilst pregnant though and now DC4 is nearly 5 months I have started to actively lose weight again.

Your husband sounds very much like me, I was a few pound off 30 stone but didn't really have any other diagnosed co-morbidities. Then my mobility went, bit by bit I couldn't do the things normal people could. I couldn't walk anywhere and was wheelchair bound, DH had to help wash and dress me. The pain in my lower back was like nothing I have ever experienced.

So after years of avoiding the surgery, I went for it and it is without a doubt the best decision I have ever made.

I was terrified of dying on the table because of my extreme size and was surprised how many much, much smaller people have the surgery.

Your husband would be expected to commit to a period of councelling and weight loss. I had weekly group psych sessions as well as one on one sessions with a psychologist and a nutritionist. Nobody told me anything I didn't already know but it really helped to be able to talk about it with outside people.

I then had to complete 2 weeks of the pre-op diet which involved eating nothing but weight watchers soup, muller light yogurts, some skimmed milk and water or sugar free squash.

The night before the op DH and I stayed up all night talking, I was terrified I would never see him or the children again.

Because of my size the best op for me was the gastric sleeve with the option to have the full bypass after I had lost enough weight to make it safe.

However, for me the gastric sleeve and all the therapy work has been enough to change my life and I will not be having the second stage of the op.

It was discovered during my op that I did have sleep aponea and I stopped breathing several times on the table and so took longer in the recovery room, apart from that it was plain sailing surgery wise.

Having said all that it is really important that I point out that it is NOT AN EASY OPTION and certainly NOT A MAGIC CURE. You still have to do all the work as it is very easy to cheat the surgery, I know people that have gained there weight back since surgery! It is a tool that you must use alongside everything else not in place of everything else.

I run a secret facebook group for people who have had bariatric surgery or who are thinking about it and I would be happy to have your DH join us if he felt he wanted to ask some questions and get honest answers. It may also make him realise what a life changing event this could be.

Sorry for the epic post, I just know where your husband is right now and it is not a nice place.

Hi op
Does your husband want to loose weight?
Does he seem scared of trying?
If so I would get him to see a recommended hypnotherapist, compulsive eating is often a salve people use to quieten down feelings, it is a self soothing behaviour which has dangerous side effects.
It is so clear from your posts that you adore him, you might need to upset him a little to really get through to him then support him as he chooses his cure.
Good luck.

Jac that's a great post. Congratulations on your surgery and your baby.

Op, it's a long shot but is your DH at all geeky/into gaming?

If so Nerd Fitness might be worth a shot it's all about levelling up your life, being the best you can be, and not explicitly diet exercise.

Another vote for My Fitness Pal, I was horrified the first time I logged! If you are honest with yourself you can just do all the logging in the evening too - ditto Fitbit

Can I just say - and I don't normally directly criticise another's advice that IMO Val007's contribution is possibly some if the most unhelpful bollocks I've read on these boards. Telling OP to 'stop worrying about his weight' and that all he needs is 'total love and acceptance'?

Apart from the obvious - that OP is bound to worry because her children's father is eating himself to death , so it's foolish to imagine she can stop worrying - it somehow implies that the main if not only obstacle to his losing weight is the OP's lack of love and acceptance.

Anyone on here can see that there is love in abundance and perhaps a little too much acceptance.

"I do often think about sitting my husband down and saying to him that he really needs to go to the GP and work towards surgery, but then I just get this terror of 'what if he dies?' "

But what if he dies because he doesn't have it?

You know the weight he is carrying puts him at increased risk of dying. That's what "morbidly" means. :(

I don't know enough about bariatric surgery to have any opinion on whether it would help him.

But don't let your fear of surgery blind you to the risks he is already taking.

If he's spooning butter onto his bread every evening, he's going to keep getting bigger.

He's very lucky to have a champion such as you.

I know you can't fix this for him, but you talk about him with such obvious love and affection. And you make him sound like a really great guy :)

Good luck.

If you decide to approach the surgery route, which seems pretty sensible from what you've written, the surgeon and his team

OP, I would suggest that, rather than making food and diet changes about 'him', try to incorporate it into the whole family...that way you don't have the added pressure of cooking different and separate meals for everyone. I cannot recommend the book 'nourishing traditions' enough. It turns the conventional advice about what is healthy and unhealthy on its head. Ie good fats like coconut oil, oil oil and yes, butter. Bad fats like margarine, hydrogenated oils and the highly processed veg oils. Absolutely no processed sugar and replace commercial juices with homemade veg juice or smoothies. Eating this way has changed my family's lives (we aren't obese or even overweight, but we have managed to resolve health issues and shed some pounds). I don't think restriction is the way to go, just switch out the bad for the good. This book gives you the knowledge as well as good, wholesome recipes that the whole family can eat. Please at least take a look you can get on Amazon
Also, the documentary 'hungry for change' gives lots of info on how the diet industry actually keeps us fat.

Atkins was neither slim nor fat - he was a healthy weight for his height. When he was in hospital for his brain injury, he retained an awful amount of fluid, and as such had a much higher weight at his time of death. He did not die from his own diet, and high fat diets (when they are the right fats) are very healthy. There are many cultures around the world that thrive on high fat diets with little to no carbs. Sugar is the problem.

Sorry for the little tangent there OP. I really hope that the light switches on for your DH soon...this is no way to live your life. Good luck!

You sound very supportive but this is something he needs to do for himself or he won't do it.

We had the male slimmer of the year 2011 come to speak to our slimming world group and he was inspirational. He had lost 12st after he and his wife had kids as he wanted to be able to run after them and for them not to be teased for having a fat dad. However he wanted to do it and was motivated to change his diet and do exercise.

Not suggesting your husband joins a slimming group unless he wants to but he needs to find something that works for him.

My husband is obese and has lost weight but has put it back on. I lost a couple of stone doing slimming world but he wasn't interested in coming along to group with me. I can't force him to lose weight and he was overweight when I met him. He will do it if he wants too and I will support him.

not to be teased for having a fat dad.

The bullying in our culture over this needs addressing I lost ten stone at Slimming World 11 yrs ago Ive regained some but nowhere near all of it so am back at class Have lost 6 and a half pounds in a month. Am excsersising too but only power walking Cant do any more or higher impact excsersising as am a 38K so its bloody hard (I was a G cup at 21 stone so am a bigger cup size now) It only went down to an F when i lost the ten stone.
There was an article in their mag (the current one) about how losing weight will get the weight off your boobs. I found there was too much generalising in the article. People are individual We are all different We are not one big homogenous mass.
And the bullying needs to be addressed Weight loss success stories are full of how bullying led someone to lose weight.
I watched last nights New Tricks and the characters were winding each other up about how Amanda Redmans replacement may be a big girl of 15 stone. Im currently heavier than that and i was feeling quite good when i got back from class last night Then New Tricks started.
OP you sound lovely I hope you and your DH can find a solution. There have been some very helpful suggestions on this thread.
Something else that needs to change are the attitudes of some employers
My ex OM was working for someone who constantly stopped him from having a lunch break at short notice and told him to have a sausage roll or a burger on the run.
The culture we live in contributes to and compounds these problems.

I really feel for you. I have had weight issues over the years - I was 21 stone and lost 10 stone on lighter life. Then I had children and am currently losing quite a lot of it again (pregnancy - I just eat!). Lighter life can be good as there is counselling that goes with it that attempts to address the phsycological issues surrounding why we eat too much. Everyone has their own way of dealing with emotions, treats, difficult things in their life - obese people tend to use food for all of those things. Just because it is a simple equation to lose weight does not mean it is an easy thing to achieve.

Unfortunately the only person who can do anything about it is him. It sounds like he would have a FAB support in you with whatever he chose to do. However he has to do it for himself. A lot of people scoff at food addiction existing - compulsive over eating can be akin to alcoholism in its health effects and impact on others. The trouble is you have to eat to survive. OA have a 301 plan - 3 meals a day, 0 snacks, 1 day at a time.

I know it is a battle I will have to wage every day for the rest of my life as I re-train my brain not to reach for food as a solution to all my problems. Ignore those that scoff at him, that judge him simply for being who he is.

BigGella, I am just coming back to something you mention a couple of times, namely that you are terrified of the thought of him having an anaesthetic.
This is a fear that many people have and this is what thorough and sometimes repeated conversations with anaesthetists come in to it.

IF you DH went to his GP tomorrow and was referred for consideration of Bariatric surgery, he'd be likely to be seen in a few weeks or months time. He'd have to meet quite stingent criteria. He'd have to see many different professionsals: dieticians, psychologist, surgeon, the aforementioned anaesthetist, sometimes physiotherapists, sleep studies might be done before a General Anaesthetic is considered. He'd have to fully understand what the choses procedure involves, what HIS committment to the process is and be prepared to accept all that.
NOTHING would happen overnight or would be sprung on him or you until he/you are ready.

I really think it would be worthwhile to get the ball rolling.

FWIW, modern anaesthetics are very safe, work very reliably and are well tolerated. I've had 4 and have been absolutely fine. Of course that does not guarantee that your DH will be, but as said before, his excess weight carries its own risks, doesn't it?

Could you maybe encourage him to make an appointment with his dr and would he allow you to be present during the consultation?

BigFella - sorry, excuse my sausage fingers

Thank you for all the messages. I am still here and reading but have been cuddled up with DH tonight so no chance to reply. I think reading this would deeply upset him, as if I was just telling his private business to everyone, so I'm hiding it for now. My very own MN addiction to go with his food addiction hey?

Being quick now as we're supposed to be heading up to bed, but will post more tomorrow. I think that he really does need to make an appointment with the GP.

I think I have a way of bringing it up, too. His dad is very overweight but has recently lost quite a lot of weight (very unhealthily and regularly does this) but will see it as license to lecture DH when he visits next month. I am going to suggest to DH that he sees a GP again before then so that he can then tell his dad that he is taking action and is under medical advice. I'll couch it as a way to get his dad off his back, but in truth I will hope that the GP gets him on some kind of good track, be that to surgery or something else.

Now is an ethical/moral question: we live in a very small place where everyone knows everyone. Therefore, we both know our family GP well, our kids go to school together and so on. GP and I have talked in passing about hubby's weight before - him asking how he was doing on the diet meds and so on.

So - would it be unfair or unethical or whatever of me to make a GP appointment (or phone apt perhaps?) for myself, BEFORE I make an apt for hubby, and talk to the GP about how worried I am about him, and ask him if he can please help me get hubby on the right track? Or is that too much or not fair. He's a lovely GP and I don't think he'd find it overstepping the mark or anything, and would take it on board, but I don't know if this is a betrayal of hubby.

In terms of emotional things - I think hubby's self esteem is low, but then I think that is really because of the weight. In terms of personality he is a very confident person, really, really secure in himself. His dad is a right pain in the arse and gave him a very hard time as a teen (nobody likes him - he's not a bad man but just an overbearing prick!) but he has the most wonderful mother. They are separated but happened when he was grown up, left home etc and both have new partners. They're a lovely family really.

I know one person said that I shouldn't be not talking about the weight, but when you've been with someone for 15 years and nothing has changed, there really doesn't feel like any point bringing it up every day, pushing it in his face etc.

We never have biscuits, crisps, cake etc in the house because I don't really like to keep unhealthy snacks in (I'd eat a great deal of them myself, for starters) so I don't think we are being unfair on hubby. I do think it would be unfair if our kids couldn't have cheese sandwiches or peanut butter on toast for breakfast or bacon sarnies after football practice or whatever. Portion size is a huge issue - he will eat a pack of bacon. We don't have junk cereals in but he'll eat a massive bowl of healthy cereal, so that it may be 'healthy' but it's very calorific.

His diet is actually not generally junky, day to day, so there are no burgers, takeaways, frozen foods, oven chips, crisps, snacks etc, it's all proper food but just tons and tons of it.

Thank you all for replying and to the people who have PMed too. This thread is helping me more than I can express.

I think it would be completely ok to talk to your GP seperately and together. The worry you have about your H's health is affecting you too. Of course, the doc will keep your chat confidential so no need for H to find out unless you tell him.

I don't know, it seems to me like talking to your GP is a way of you trying to fix this thing about your DH, rather than him doing it for himself.

Reading with interest. Dh is big. We all know diets don't work. Hope you get some answers.

My beloved DH was at least 4st overweight when I met him and stayed that way our first ten years together despite a few half-hearted diets.

Like you, the problem wasn't tons of crap, just too much decent food (and beer).

Nothing much changed until he had his own lightbulb moment, really committed to exercising and totally changed his own eating habits. He's now skinny, fit, and absolutely set on staying that way.

It can be done, but he wanted to do it, he was ready to do it, and he had considerably less to do than your DH. I can see that at his weight, it would feel overwhelming to even contemplate that much weight loss.

In your place I would speak to the doctor, and I would absolutely support him all the way in the surgery. I would share your fears, but TBH if he doesn't have the surgery the weight will likely kill him and in far more unpleasant and lingering ways (god that sounds harsh written down, I am sorry).

You sound lovely and I am cheering you both on.

Hello OP, I dont have time for a lengthy post but wanted to stop by and suggest gastric band hypnosis. I have had it for weight loss and found it incredibly rffective. It could be a "light/painless" way to at least get your DH started? It felt like counselling to me and really dealt with my emotional/habitual eating habits. Paul Mckenna has a new book out on the subject, might be worth a read? Wishing you and your DH well, you both sound lovely x

BigFella, it can often be helpful when realtives give the GP a heads up before they meet with the patient - particularly when the problem in questions is difficult/emotional/has another side to it that the patient may not mention.
By all means speak to your GP (personally speaking, don't do it on the school run, but speak to them at the surgery, even by phone. I'd never remember anything that was said to me informally long enough to actually make a Note to Self to remind myself what was said. It also helps to have the patient's records in front of me).
I don't think that speaking to your Dr is making all the effort for your DH, but it might smooth the way for your Dr to put referrals etc in to place rather than suggesting Healthy Eating/dietician. Of course your Dr will not be able to tell YOU anything about your DH, even after he has been to see him.
If you are in the consultation with him (which implies his consent for you to be present), then you are of course part of the conversation.