Help - my husband is morbidly obese

[BigFellaThanks]

I don't know what to do about my husband's weight anymore.

He's been a very big bloke ever since we met. We're talking close to 30 stone.

I have always loved and fancied him, so this is NOT about any kind of vanity thing or me being shallow in any way. I feel disloyal enough posting this so please do not flame me - I just really need help.

I am very concerned about his health, and I think it's also starting to affect our relationship.

There have been various things during our marriage that I thought/hoped he would lose weight for, like our wedding, our children coming along and so on. We've talked about how he wishes he could run around with our boys, and about how he hates the idea that they'll get teased about the way their dad looks. He's never done it though - and to be honest I find it quite hard that he can't even do it for our kids.

He lost about 4 stone a few years back but then when it dropped off a bit he gave up and put it all back on again, and hasn't lost much since. He'll occasionally drop a stone and then put it back on again, but most of the time he really doesn't try very hard and makes lots of excuses.

I'm not unsympathetic - I have three children (two his, one from a previous marriage) and I gained masses of weight with each and slogged to lose it again, so I know how hard it is - but I also know that I did it.

I've tried taking over his diet completely - (at his request) - ie basically putting him on a diet plan and then doing all his meals, but a) this is massive pressure on me with three kids to look after and b) it's very, very bad for our marriage as I will be getting up early to make him breakfast and pack a lunch for him and then find out he's eaten cake at work that day, and then it feels really personal, you know? Like he's stomped on MY efforts as well as his own. Or I'll be serving up a healthy meal I've cooked and he'll come into the kitchen and start buttering bread for a snack and I feel like crying.

Our sex life is good - but we are quite restricted in what we can do, position wise, and I would enjoy a bit more variety. I also have to say - since there's no point in not being completely honest here - that I sometimes feel really taken for granted, that he doesn't want to lose weight for me, when I am very conscious of still wanting him to fancy me and my post-baby body issues and all that, and work quite hard to overcome these things (exercise etc). I do feel a little embarrassed at times when I introduce him to people for the first time, as I know they are thinking things about the way he looks and will talk about it later. He's a very big man. I would love to go out for a meal with him and not worry that people are looking at us, and not worry about whether the chairs in the restaurant are strong enough for him (which is not always the case... )

His problem is that he seems to have very little self control when it comes to food. It's like an addiction. He also eats huge portions of everything, and really enjoys food.

Finally, he has seen a doctor and tried diet pills twice which didn't work as they give you the shits if you eat too much fat, so in the end he didn't take them if he'd had a 'bad food day' and they wouldn't prescribe more in the end. He's seen a nutritionist who told him that he knows what he should be doing and she can't really help him anymore as he is just not doing it, and it's really up to him! We've also talked about surgery but I am very, very anxious at the idea of him going under the knife at his weight. Essentially I have a husband walking around today and although the worry of the heart attack etc is there (I keep asprin on me at all times), he's still here. I feel terrified that he'll go under for surgery and have complications and die, and I'll think that it was all unnecessary as his health (blood pressure, cholesterol etc) is actually surprisingly normal.

Finally finally - he is the loveliest man on earth. I am so, so in love with him and he is my soulmate. I've tried talking to friends and family but nobody really knows what to do, so that is why I'm turning to you for advice. I just want to make sure my lovely husband is around for a long and happy life with me and our beautiful children.

What do I do?

I can recommend a Gastric Bypass…I had one a couple of years ago. My whole attitude to food has changed. I now have control, and can take it or leave it if necessary. My appetite has reduced, and there is no compulsion to eat. More than 2 biscuits makes me feel nauseous, so I have learnt to hold back on the crap. I eat small meals and they satisfy me. I tend to avoid food like bread and potatoes, because they are a waste of space, and fill me up so there is no room for the good stuff.

You are living with an addict. He can't help doing it sadly. Please consider surgery.

I am glad someone mentioned OA as a family member has found it helpful in the past, though it is not a miracle cure.

Overheating is a horrible a dedication as we MUST eat to live; we can make a choice with alcohol or sex but we would die without food.

Could your GP arrange counselling for your DH?

I feel for you, he's a very lucky man.

It is an addiction, but I feel it is not recognised as one. People just look at an overweight person and think 'greedy' and 'slob'. :(

Thank you for another vote for surgery. I do often think about sitting my husband down and saying to him that he really needs to go to the GP and work towards surgery, but then I just get this terror of 'what if he dies?' What if he dies and it was all my suggestion? I push him to do this and then there's a complication and we lose him? :( :( :(

I don't even know if that's rational - I've never had surgery myself or anaesthetic or anything so the whole area is pretty scary, but when I was looking into weight loss surgery some of the statistics were a bit frightening.

This whole thread has made me really emotional. I wasn't expecting so many replies and such genuine help. Thank you. I need to go to bed, but I will come back.

I used to feel addicted to food, and now I realise I was addicted to carbs. (They are really addictive! I recognise the picture you paint of shovelling the bread-and-butter down. And the chocolate and the biscuits... ) (Its all in the past now)

I'm on the Mumsnet low carb diet. See:
www.mumsnet.com/health/diet-and-fitness/low-carb-bootcamp

and lots of current threads eg
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/low_carb_diets/1860929-Week-3-Autumn-Low-Carb-Bootcamp-The-Crossroads

It is a revelation and its not hard to stick to (like, "diets" are) because you never feel hungry. Since May I'm down 2 clothes sizes. Anyway, I would really recommend it as an option for your DH.

That doesn't solve the problem that he has got to have the light-bulb moment himself. Also he has got to have the willpower himself (though I never feel hungry and desperate, I still have to have the willpower to say, No, I'm not going to eat the bread. And I have to have that myself. Though the threads on here help!)

Really I wonder in the end, it comes down to, how can he have the lightbulb moment? All partners of addicts must wish they knew the answer.

You cannot save him, you know that don't you?

Stop facilitating, stop organising his life, his breakfast, etc.

You have kids to take care of, as well as yourself.

His choice, his life. Yours too. Choose you and your kids.

Honey, my heart goes out to you. My beloved husband is very overweight, suffers from diabetes, sleep apenoea, and has had a wound infection on his lower leg for two years. I almost cried when you said you carried an aspirin with you, I do also. His weight is a huge issue, medically, sexually, and emotionally. He is not a candidate for bariatric surgery because of his general poor health. I walk a very fine line. We are both educated about healthy eating. We have good quality food in our home, even though we are on limited means. I encourage him to eat well. He still often chooses food that will make his blood sugar increase. It hurts me. I am afraid our five year old daughter will have to grow up without her daddy. It saddens me he makes choices that jeoperdize his health.

I am sending you tonnes of support and will keep reading this thread to see what other poster's are suggesting..

I'd just like to make one point here - Dr Atkins didn't die from a heart attack. He slipped on the ice and banged his head and died as a result of his accident. The implication that his weight caused his death is totally false.

I mentioned the Dukan diet that a friend at work had been trying a year and a half ago because it included a whole love of things that he liked eating. I didn't do more than that. He looked at it, got the books on his kindle, and started it within 3 weeks of me mentioning it first.

He has stuck to it since.

He likes it because if he's hungry he can eat something - he just has to choose from the things he can eat.

He has lost about 1/3 of his original weight - possibly a little more.

He saw this as a change of way of eating rather than a diet - and something that he'll do for the rest of his life almost certainly.

If you're going to look at surgical options, keep in mind that the limited food he eats afterwards has to be good and nutritious food. If he eats crappy food with a limited ability to eat big quantities, then that leaves no room for actual nutrition. I've met several people who had had surgery, didn't fix their heads about eating and managed to maintain or gain even after surgery. I'm sure it can help, but it needs to go hand in hand with sorting out his head with respect to food.

I've PMed you too.

Good luck.

Re the finishing off food... I put on a significant amount of weight in my pregnancies, having always been very slim. It took a year to shift and lots of self discipline each time especially when I was bf and starving all the time.

One thing I had to stop doing was eating the children's leftovers. I was raised to finish what was on my plate and not waste food. To stop myself I just squirted the leftovers with washing up liquid immediately. End of problem.

I'm very sympathetic to your situation but the story about the butter really shocked me (bit more sympathy re the cold scrambled eggs). It shows a real cavalier attitude to his own health and I do think it's irresponsible. It's not like having excessive or unhealthy but basically otherwise normal eating habits (eg too many fry-ups). Treating butter like guacamole is completely pathological eating. Ditto upsetting children by stealing from their plates when they haven't finished, or eating the whole family's treats in one go.

You might say that you 'have to' have rich, fatty things in the house because you've got children, but do you? I was brought up on wholemeal everything, mostly vegetarian diet, skimmed milk etc and it didn't do me any harm.

You obviously love your husband dearly, that shines through every post. You even apologise that you might come across on here as 'nagging'.

Tbh I get the impression that because you love him and don't want to upset him (wouldn't dream of showing him this thread) you are also enabling him. I think you need to consider some 'tough love' here. The future is bleak if this is not dealt with, don't kid yourself that because as you said earlier 'his health is good' ie bp/cholesterol are OK for now all is well. He is putting huge strain on his organs and skeleton. Why aren't you 'nagging' a bit more? Do you want to be a widow? You worry about him dying during surgery, he is much more likely to die from obesity. Carrying aspirin isn't going to help all that much if he has a big heart attack.

I actually think that you need to rethink the eating habits of the whole family. Having 'treats'/lots of rich food in the house for you and the children and expecting your dh who obviously has horrific self control problems around food to deny himself is unrealistic (unfair?)

You say you don't really mention his weight, day to day. Why not? It will kill him, and you sound torn apart about it.

You are wonderful OP. Your post is incredibly touching - your love for your DH is so, so evident.

I'd rejig the OP into the form of a letter and send it to my DH in your situation. Don't tell him you have sought help on mn it will make him feel ganged up on.

I have a friend who lost 6 stone after lap band surgery - she had battled obesity all her life. It is a scary option but I think your DH should talk to a medical professional to assess the true level of risk of surgery against the benefits.

Bariatric surgery is the only proven long term method for weight loss. All other methods have shown to have weight gain after x number of years. (Lots of studies on this.)
Patients for bariatric surgery are normally advised to follow a liver diet for at least two weeks prior to surgery - this reduces the size of the liver, and allows the surgeon to gain better access to the stomach, whether done keyhole or open.
In your husband's case the surgeons I work with wouldn't advise a gastric band, but either a duodenal switch or gastric bypass. These are a more permanent surgery, which reduce the size of the stomach pouch. In time if he does not change and continues to eat a poor diet after this type of surgery it is possible to stretch the pouch to receive more food.

You sound quite stressed at the idea of surgery. but I deal with patients all the time who have had this type of surgery, many larger than your husband, and if there are no secondary issues then it is quite straightforward. It is the work he has to do post-surgery that he and you may find difficult.
Oh, I'm a dietitian and very happy to help and advise if you'd like.

As someone said previously the cost of surgery is far cheaper than the potential ongoing medical costs of being morbidly obese.

Look, OP, your husband has an addiction - yes. The reason he does is to shut his feelings up, to suppress his pain. He is probably too sensitive. I get that you say and do all this because you CARE, but in this case... all he needs is your total 100% support and acceptance. Stop worrying about his weight and show him that. He is a grown man and he realises very well that he has a problem. Once he feels confident enough in your total acceptance, he may look for support elsewhere. But it seems that your support is not working, not because it is not good, or sincere, or dedicated, but because you being his closest person in the world, you cannot play the good and the bad guy at the same time. (the bad guy because of 'policing' his diet). Just be the good guy. It is as simple as this. Honestly!

Talk to him about Paleo/Primal eating - Mark's Daily Apple is a great place to start - men friendly and inspirational.

I know you said you made his meals for him once but it worries me that he felt "hungry" enough to continue eating. Did you know that people have actually died of starvation/malnutrition at 60 stone plus when put on restrictive calorie diets? Shocking but true.

Food is an addiction and carbs doubly so. If I eat something sweet in the evening it's OK, I can go to bed. If I eat something sweet in the morning that's me fucked for the day - I'm like a hoover.

Over-eating is an emotional response - counselling would be beneficial here.

maypole Where on earth did you hear that? Dr. Atkins was a slim pensioner who slipped on ice and banged his head.

He needs proper help on the NHS. He has to make the decision to ask for this though. You can't make the decision for him.

Everything Anyfucker said, with knobs on.

But, I would, quite honestly, avoid seeing NHS dieticians, it will be a waste of time. They will want to focus on reducing quantity of food and getting him more active (quite rightly) but they will also give him all sorts of confusing mixed messages and bang on about eating low fat, whole grain, plenty of carbs for energy, yada yada, which for someone with a weight problem of his magnitude will be painfully, painfully slow progress and pretty much demoralising and unachievable for anyone with low self esteem and and a sense of hopelessness about it.

I suggest two things. Firstly, get your hands on anything and everything you can read about low carb/low GI eating. If he hasn't tried it before it will be an absolute revelation. There are lots of people on here who can steer you in the right direction for that if you want to find out more.

Secondly, find a really good hypnotherapist (and ideally one who is trained to fit a 'hypno band.' He can be hypnotised to be satisfied with much, much smaller portions, he can learn the techniques of 'mindful eating' and the simple act of avoiding high energy processed white carbs and all forms of sugar will help him to control hunger pangs naturally anyway, and also burn the stored fat faster than any 'sensible balanced' eating plan will in a million years.

When you are this large you need to see real results quite quickly, as it is so easy to get demoralised and for the challenge to seem insurmountable.

The danger with low carbing is that there is no limit to the amount of food you can eat, and although it will naturally reduce his appetite more than he could believe possible while he's doing it, it can be very easy to slip back into dangerous old habits of eating 'normally' and the weight can pile back on very quickly. Which is why it's a really good idea to become accustomed to eating much, much smaller quantities of food in the first place, so that if and when you do eat cake, you eat four mouthfuls and not the whole thing.

If he can manage to lose a few stone this way then if necessary he can have actual surgery once he is in a less risky weight range. Although he may find he doesn't need to.

You sound like a very lovely woman by the way.

BIWI I haven't read the thread yet but I've just seen your comment about Dr Atkins death - I see the thread will be frustrating reading then.

Lots of great advice with the words on page 1 by getting standing out for me in particular. He needs to get to the root cause of why he's over eating and eating so much crap and needs some kind of counselling. Surgery is a good idea but like others have said, he needs that 'lightbulb' moment first (and though I've never been morbidly obese I do speak from experience on this).

In truth, we rarely mention his weight, day to day. I never want him to feel judged by me or unattractive (which is how I'd feel if someone mentioned my weight - however kindly).

Maybe this is the issue?

Maybe if you really told him how you feel and keep on telling him, he would listen?

I don't agree with diet as such - lifelong healthy eating yes. Anything else is a quick fix and doesn't change anyone's mind set about food.

I don't agree with gastric bands, they require you to live a tricky life in terms of what you can eat thereafter but the very thought of wasted NHS resources makes my blood boil. I don't care if this is unpopular here on MN. people are living in misery with conditions they cannot help having, while obesity is something that can be controlled. Yes, it might be psychological, like being an alcoholic, but it can be sorted with will power and maybe counselling.

You can't say the same for cancer.

OP- I think your softly softly approach is doing you and him no favours.

Say what you feel- as you have here- then stand back and it's up to him. You will support him if he helps himself. Have you really said what you think including being a young widow- because that's what is coming to you and he needs to accept that.

BigFellaThanks

What AF wrote on the first page, he has to want to do this for his own self. You cannot do this for him.

I was wondering if your H was obese as a child and has also come to associate food with love. I note you mention his father is very overweight as well. You did not mention his mother, is she around?.

If he goes to the GP you also need to go along and sit in on his appointment.

The problems he has now with overeating may well have started back then. Its a psychological and control issue as much as anything else, this is not simply about portion control or diet plans.

missbopeep would you have the same feelings re NHS funds towards somebody suffering from anorexia who needs treatment?

All these people saying with authority that OP's husband eats because of emotional pain. Ffs, how do you know this?
This man has made his children cry by taking their food.
OP you may not want to make him feel physically unattractive but what about his greed and lack of self control? Don't you find that unattractive, especially when it makes your children cry?

In a world where many starve I find his greed as obscene as say, the conspicuous consumerism of the Beckham family.

I don't think your acceptance is helpful at all.

(I accept I got it wrong about Atkins who did die of a head injury but he was not slim. It's not an issue worth further attention. I was making the point that high fat diets are not the answer.)

(Just in relation to your last comment Maypole, the diet that DH has followed is low carb but low fat)