Help - my husband is morbidly obese

[BigFellaThanks]

I don't know what to do about my husband's weight anymore.

He's been a very big bloke ever since we met. We're talking close to 30 stone.

I have always loved and fancied him, so this is NOT about any kind of vanity thing or me being shallow in any way. I feel disloyal enough posting this so please do not flame me - I just really need help.

I am very concerned about his health, and I think it's also starting to affect our relationship.

There have been various things during our marriage that I thought/hoped he would lose weight for, like our wedding, our children coming along and so on. We've talked about how he wishes he could run around with our boys, and about how he hates the idea that they'll get teased about the way their dad looks. He's never done it though - and to be honest I find it quite hard that he can't even do it for our kids.

He lost about 4 stone a few years back but then when it dropped off a bit he gave up and put it all back on again, and hasn't lost much since. He'll occasionally drop a stone and then put it back on again, but most of the time he really doesn't try very hard and makes lots of excuses.

I'm not unsympathetic - I have three children (two his, one from a previous marriage) and I gained masses of weight with each and slogged to lose it again, so I know how hard it is - but I also know that I did it.

I've tried taking over his diet completely - (at his request) - ie basically putting him on a diet plan and then doing all his meals, but a) this is massive pressure on me with three kids to look after and b) it's very, very bad for our marriage as I will be getting up early to make him breakfast and pack a lunch for him and then find out he's eaten cake at work that day, and then it feels really personal, you know? Like he's stomped on MY efforts as well as his own. Or I'll be serving up a healthy meal I've cooked and he'll come into the kitchen and start buttering bread for a snack and I feel like crying.

Our sex life is good - but we are quite restricted in what we can do, position wise, and I would enjoy a bit more variety. I also have to say - since there's no point in not being completely honest here - that I sometimes feel really taken for granted, that he doesn't want to lose weight for me, when I am very conscious of still wanting him to fancy me and my post-baby body issues and all that, and work quite hard to overcome these things (exercise etc). I do feel a little embarrassed at times when I introduce him to people for the first time, as I know they are thinking things about the way he looks and will talk about it later. He's a very big man. I would love to go out for a meal with him and not worry that people are looking at us, and not worry about whether the chairs in the restaurant are strong enough for him (which is not always the case... )

His problem is that he seems to have very little self control when it comes to food. It's like an addiction. He also eats huge portions of everything, and really enjoys food.

Finally, he has seen a doctor and tried diet pills twice which didn't work as they give you the shits if you eat too much fat, so in the end he didn't take them if he'd had a 'bad food day' and they wouldn't prescribe more in the end. He's seen a nutritionist who told him that he knows what he should be doing and she can't really help him anymore as he is just not doing it, and it's really up to him! We've also talked about surgery but I am very, very anxious at the idea of him going under the knife at his weight. Essentially I have a husband walking around today and although the worry of the heart attack etc is there (I keep asprin on me at all times), he's still here. I feel terrified that he'll go under for surgery and have complications and die, and I'll think that it was all unnecessary as his health (blood pressure, cholesterol etc) is actually surprisingly normal.

Finally finally - he is the loveliest man on earth. I am so, so in love with him and he is my soulmate. I've tried talking to friends and family but nobody really knows what to do, so that is why I'm turning to you for advice. I just want to make sure my lovely husband is around for a long and happy life with me and our beautiful children.

What do I do?

He needs a click in his head to make him lose weight. Every single one of us knows that being so overweight is unhealthy. But it doesn't make losing the weight easier. I have lost quite a bit of weight in the past year. I have more to go, to get to a healthy weight. But I have done it. For me, it was two things. I really hurt my knee and realised that my weight was a major factor. And second, shallowly, my GP offered me some free slimming club sessions. I am never one to turn down a bargain...

For me, Slmming World has worked brilliantly. There are a couple of men in our small group and they do really well. It sounds cheesy but for some people it really works. I do hope you can help him to sort himself out.

And- before someone posts to say they know a guy who lost 15 stone just by jogging, well, there has to be one exception to prove the rule. All medical evidence shows that the long-term success of diets/exercise in the very overweight is extremely rare, that they seem to exhibit an addictive like desire to eat and often put the weight on and some more, and that's one reason surgery (different kinds) does seem to work better (though not for all and it is risky) because it simply prevents over-eating rather than allowing someone's addiction to drive their life.

OPn..excellent name by the way..one of my favourite race horses!

Thank you for all the replies. I will try to get to the specific questions in a sec but DH has appeared. :)

Just to quickly answer the one I can see on this page - he does not seem to have sleep apnoea, but his very overweight father does and sleeps with an oxygen mask or something like that. Hubby's breathing is generally pretty bad at night, but doesn't seem to stop in the way that I understand it would with apnoea. I do lie awake listening to it sometimes and worrying though... :(

I am afraid sleep apnoea is more than likely in his future, from what you have said. Linked with diabetes and severe heart disease. You know that though

The signs you would be looking for would be very bad snoring, and a lot of snorting, which is the holding the breath (for quite a few seconds, over ten say) and then the snort which is explosive when they start breathing again. It might be worth checking this out- and if his breathing is bad at night, perhaps this could be reason enough.

Ok let me say sorry in advance because I don't want to upset you but your post has really struck a chord with me and I just wanted to give you my perspective as a child of an obese parent.

My df sounds so like your dh, lovely man works hard provides for his family etc but is and always has been obese and got bigger over the years (probably bigger than your dh is now)

Your children will get teased about it. They just will because that's what other kids do. We got it relentlessly all the way through school and it was awful. Strangers would yell things at him in the street if we were together. It's years ago by all those comments have stuck with me.

I love him to bits but I am so resentful towards him for not doing anything about it for us. Like we were not important enough to him to change. He has missed out on so much. I know my siblings feel the same.

I have struggled with eating disorders for years and
I am terrified of "ending up like him"

I wish my df had had surgery at least he would have chance at a "normal" life. As you say its no fun being that big and he will get more and more immobile as time goes on. I've seen it happen.

I feel for you but it has to come from him. For your children and you if not for himself.

I wish you and him all the luck in the world x

Sometimes food addiction is actually carb addiction. Very true but high fat is not the way. Just ask the creator of the Atkins Diet. Oh sorry, you can't, he keeled over of a heart attack weighing 18 stone.

OP if you could get him to read one Jason Vale writes very motivating books. He is unrelentingly positive - it's a kind of tough love approach. It's about re-educating yourself in the way you think about food, your body and life in general.

Carbs make your blood sugar spike. The 'hit' is short lived and leaves you craving more and this leads to over-eating. The healthiest eating habits involve lots of fruit and veg and lean protein - and natural 'hunter-gatherer' type foods like nuts, eggs etc. Fats of course have a place but they need to be the right ones.

I don't want to agree with Yogii about anything but the one thing (s)he said that was right is that 'diets' don't work. They are all about self deprivation. As is the concept of allowing yourself 'treats' from time to time as if high fat, high sugar foods are special. The only way to lose weight is to change the way you think about food and re-educate your palate.

Personally I think surgery is the answer for your dh but at 30 stone he might be too big (no expert on this). So he'd have to address that before he could get surgery.

Please do not take charge of his diet, that would be making YOU responsible for something that ultimately you have no control over.

It is probably like living with any other addict, maybe an alcoholic. And you cannot control an alcoholic's drink intake

He needs to WANT to change, as a first step. Asking you to control his diet is not a first step, it is abdicating responsibility.

Sorry, Other than occassionally voicing your concern There is nothing you can do, he needs a big moment or even shock, to realise he has a problem.

The problem is not how many potatoes there are on his plate

Have you looked at the 5 2 diet. It really seems to suit some men I know. They can eat very little two days a week and then eat what they want the rest of the week. In reality they start cutting down those days too. It is easy not to eat something today if you know you can have it tomorrow. There also is a very good book which Is written by a man. The Times had a very good article on it a few months ago. They called it the men's diet

The thing that terrified me into losing weight was a diabetes scare (in my own mind). Can you catch him next time he's downing a pint of water and just casually mention you've noticed he's drinking a lot recently and has he got any other symptoms? No harm done if it doesn't work but it may just sow the seed.

would just making small but plentyful changes work?

so swap full sugar drinks for diet, full fat milk to semi skimmed, chocolate for strewberries, chrisps for apples, sugar in tea to sweatner etc.

If he has say 4 sausages with mash just give him 3 and extra veg.

And try and get him moving more. just an extra chore a night ie hover one room / change a bed. and build up to walking to the shops instead of driving, trips to the park ect?

yogii

Not really sure why you're interested in my partner, but yeah, he meets requirements. There is nothing I would change. We are all slim and fit in our house but that doesn't mean we feel any moral superiority over people who are not.

My dh started off at 27.5 stone and because his BMI was over 50 qualified for the weight loss programme leading to gastric surgery on the NHS. He has so far lost 2.5 stone over the last 6 months attending group therapy, individual sessions with a dietician and individual sessions with a psychologist. He has not really been dieting but has cut out all junk food, eats lots of fruit and a generally lower carb approach. He has to show he can achieve weight loss and sustain it long term before they will even think about the surgery which may happen next year. He also needs a knee replacement (old rugby injury, now arthritic, not helped by the excess weight) But that's not happening until he loses weight. He's also started regular swimming.

Could your dh get referred into this programme? With regular monitoring he might be more motivated. He would need to take up some exercise - is there anything he enjoys, the local council do specialist sessions in conjunction with the NHS specifically for the v overweight.

Hillyandhally, I think the OP will have found your post very upsetting although you are obviously genuine and kind and well-meaning. It concerns me however that the OP might try to pressure her OH into losing weight for his children. If he fails, her resentment will build enormously- 'He knows they'll get bullied and yet he still can't / won't do it'. That can't be good for a relationship. Although it has to come from him, they have to face it as a team. Do you think anything would have helped your df in your younger years? Did you ever tell him how you felt? Do you wish sometime had done something different? What? These are genuine questions by the way- just wondering if there is a way to use your story to help make the changes here that your df didn't / couldn't.

What else is he doing in his life? Is his work fulfilling? Does he have hobbies? Is he happy?

It may be that he is unthinkingly filling an emotional hole with food, and addressing that would relieve a bit of the pressure. I'm not thinking your relationship as you do sound genuinely caring and concerned, but maybe he needs an outlet for creativity, or music, or something.

One thing my somewhat overweight and sedentary DH has enjoyed using is the Jawbone UP, primarily because it's a good gadget, but a 5 quid pedometer would do the job as well - the only scientifically proven trick for losing weight is to record what you eat and how much activity you do (beyond counting calories which is more mechanical). Something in the human brain tends to make conscious decisions re healthy / less healthy if it's going to be recorded. A pedometer is good because walking is the easiest, cheapest, least ra-ra exercise you can do and to be able to measure it and try to beat your last "score" can be quite compelling.

Either way, don't take responsibility for his weight on yourself - as others have said above, it's his weight, his body, his life and it must be his solution. But good luck being supportive and patient.

Yes it can only be your dh who makes the decision to lose weight, my dh spent years being told to lose weight by his Mum and others, and this totally put his back up and made him tuck into more takeaways and kebabs (his main downfall!). I never found him particularly fat to look at (my father and brother are also 'big' men so dh never seemed out of the ordinary to me, he is also tall and muscular) and while I have worried about him, I haven't put pressure on him to diet. He seems to have finally come to the realisation that something has to change by himself.

I don't think people would be so sympathetic if your husband was killing himself with alcohol or drugs rather than food. You are important too. What would happen if you gave him an ultimatum?

BigFella, I just want to add my voice to everything AnyFucker has said.
You clearly love your DH, you want to help him and help you can - as soon as he has decided and fully committed to tackling his weight. You cannot do it for him. It is the most painful lesson anybody who loves a person with an addiction has to learn .

Don't discount bariatric surgery - yes, there are risks, but they are smaller than the very real risk of being morbidly obese. Most gastric bands/sleeves/stomach stapling are now done laparoscopically (keyhole surgery) so the risks are less. It is loooooong process to get assessed for this, to understand how it works (weightloss over at least 2 years, NOT a quick fix), commit to dietician follow-up, v slow build up of diet and the possibiliy to NEVER eating a normal meal again. Not all methods are irreversible though. It is not an easy fix, but for some the only way lose enough weight to be able to lead a more normal and active life which then helps with the rest of weight loss.

Would he consider attending Overeaters Anonymous?

Has he considered seeing his GP and getting referred to a clinical psychologist to look at the compulsive aspect of his overeating?

Would something like the Caveman Power diet appeal to him? YY to 5:2 btw.

Very low calorie diets such as LighterLife can work well for fast weightloss and offer more psychological support than I used to think. They are not cheap, but maybe knowing he HAS to attend the counsellor in order to get the next lot of 'meals' would motivate him??

What is HE currently doing to lose weight/research his options? How worried is HE? I think if you have made your point that you are there to support him, then the ball is firmly in HIS side of the court tbh.

For the doubters: the whole reason that the NHS puts some, far too little, funding aside for bariatric surgery is because the cost to society of mobid obesity is FAR higher than the cost of treating it. Even with surgery. IMO it should be availble more and more easily.
Bar very few exceptions rare as hens' teeth the vast majority of people will lose weight if they take less calories in than they eat. Unfortunately it's not quite as simple as that in RL. Find some compassion somewhere.

Honestly? You sound like a lovely, supportive wife but it is my belief that once someone gets beyond a certain point, there is no way they can lose the weight on their own and some kind of bariatric surgery will be necessary.

Get him to the gp for a referral, depending on where you are in the country I might be able to recommend a surgeon and put you in touch with support etc. You're welcome to pm me, I'm speaking from experience.

BigFella you sound really lovely, just wanting to say that really, and wanting to wish you and your family all the best xx

And Maypole, have to say too that your post on drawing the line for NHS treatment is spot on. I need to have that to mind the next time some twit carps on about 'we shouldn't be funding this' 'we shouldn't be funding that' etc etc etc

Thank you all for your replies. He's gone to bed so I can properly read them and reply now.

I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond and I feel really emotional. It's not the kind of thing I can talk about much in real life as it's hard to mention it without sounding like some kind of awful wife who wants to change her fat husband. :(

Just going through a few things that have come up:

I really appreciate all the positive stories - thank you. It's good to know that it is achievable (however hard). It's easy to start thinking that there really is no way to fix this, as it seems such an impossible task. I know he feels quite helpless about it all now. It's very hard to start dieting, knowing that you'll be on that diet for years, not weeks or months. He says that every time he tries, he ends up feeling like a failure.

At the same time, when he gets motivated about his weight loss and starts talking about what he's going to do, or he's set this goal or that goal for himself, I find it hard to be his cheerleader now, because I end up just feeling let down time and time again. He'll start well and I'm feeling proud of him and giving him help and support, and then I can see it starting to disintegrate, and the excuses and I think 'You're going to bloody let me down again, aren't you?' It's happened so, so many times now that I really cannot see him ever successfully dieting.

I think he feels a huge loss of pride over the whole thing, and I cannot persuade him to do certain things, like keep a food journal or go to classes. The only time he lost weight (the 4stone) was with slimming world classes, which I think are excellent. He just refuses to go now though and says he'll do the diet himself at home - but then doesn't. I'd rather he did something like s.w. where he can eat as much as he likes of certain food, as I know he doesn't like to count or weigh things, and his estimates are awful. One morning he told me he was having a healthy breakfast, so I then poured out a portion of the cereal the same size as his, weighed it and calculated the calories (over 600).

He can't use any gadgets because of his work (so no logging stuff on his phone) - his job certainly doesn't help as he has a very, very full on job that demands all his time and attention. I can't fully blame it though as he had a less demanding job before and was still roughly this weight.

His breathing - he snores a lot, and also snorts, groans and grunts - but no gaps in breathing as far as I can tell.

I think this post makes him sound like he's not bothering about his weight and I guess that's true, but I think he just feels helpless. He's tried all sorts of things and never managed to stick to anything or make anything work so he doesn't think about it as much as he possibly can because it makes him feel like a failure. I think his self esteem is pretty low. :( It makes me so sad as he is amazing and should feel great about himself.

Hilly it was very hard to read your post, but did reinforce for me that this is important for our children. They are still fairly young now and only see their dad with adoring eyes (although there have been one or two schoolfriend-type incidents already) and it crushes me to think that could change.

Thanks for the Overeaters Anonymous link - I've never seen that before and will have a good browse now.

I don't think there is an ultimatum I could give him that would work - because it's not like I'm going to leave him or anything! I think he'd bridle at that kind of thing too. A letter might be a more sensitive way to go - but he'd probably be really blokey and want to know why I didn't just tell him the things I'd written down!

We always have healthy food in the house because I cook and love nice, varied food, but he will still find a way. For example, I made scrambled eggs for the kids the other day, and he got home after they were in bed. Neither of them had finished what was on their plates and he came in and finished their cold, half-eaten scrambled eggs off their plates (actually, him finishing other people's food is another issue really - he's made our kids cry before on more than one occasion by finishing off something they weren't done with by accident and regularly finishes things in the fridge that were for us all to share!) He will spend the evening eating bread and butter, going through half a loaf of bread. I snapped at him the other day for dipping bread into the tub of butter (bleeeeuuuurgh) like it was chips and dip or something. He then picked up a spoon and spooned the butter onto his bread instead, like that's any better! I feel horrible even citing these examples but I want you to know how extreme this food-related behaviour is and how impossible it feels to make changes. I can't not have bread, butter, cheese, peanut butter etc in the house with children!

I feel like I'm living with an addict. I really do.

Apart from his weight, he takes great care of his appearance - cares a lot about clothes and haircuts and things. He is smart for work - just huge. And he is gorgeous, despite the weight, he's a big handsome man. :)

Thank you also for all the people who helped me start to realise I need to stop feeling guilty about this.

Sorry for the epic post!

Feels good to let it out a bit tbh.

We are listening.

Also - the above post makes it sound like we talk about it loads and I'm always nagging him. In truth, we rarely mention his weight, day to day. I never want him to feel judged by me or unattractive (which is how I'd feel if someone mentioned my weight - however kindly). Plus to be honest we've had all the conversations already. Day to day we just get on with our lives and I don't notice half the time. :(