Male seeking advice

[Marmite77]

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

Working nights all weekend which messes my head up at the best of times so that should prove to be a lot of fun.

Not had any contact since the text on wednesday. She might get in touch tonight or tomorrow is suppose. Over analysing the situation, if it was me as the other party and I was ending things I'd feel compelled to do it the day after that text and not drag it out. I'm hoping this is the situation and good news but who the hell knows

You sound like a really decent guy to me, and I think she is behaving really unfairly. Sadly, I also think this I probably the beginning of the end of the relationship (sorry). If she had any respect for you, she would have been into ouch and not just left you hanging.

Whilst clearly it is not unreasonable for anyone to end a relationship as it is not chat they wanted, for me it is unreasonable to be vague and leave the other person wondering what the hell is going on.

I would preempt this and end it (as hard as that may be). If she does this now, she'll continue to do it (probably until she meets someone else) and I don't think you deserve that. Even though you will be hurting, try to show as title off that hurt to her, as I think she actually wants to see it - that is whys she is prolonging this charade. The more itching about what she is doing. The meaner I think she is. You are well rid of her.

I rally hope you find someone else who genuinely makes you happy.

Sorry about all the typos!

She does sound like she has got you dancing around her. Your anxious about "doing the wrong thing". You're sending a text to try and make her laugh. You've been left completely in the dark about what on earth is going on in the relationship.

My advice would be to stop trying to modify and design your behaviour based on what you imagine will "work" as a means to the end result you want. And instead behave as you really FEEL. Which, I assume, would be sad she has gone, angry about being left in such a sudden and unsettling way, worried that it might all be over and hopeful that it is not.

You should also make some demands of her. It's not on to disappear without a proper explanation or to keep you hanging on like a docile puppy. Tell her you want to know what she wants to do. If your asking that does indeed push her toward ending it, then the relationship was v fragile anyway.

Good luck.

Hi again marmite, and I hope you are bearing up ok...

The longer this is going on, the more irritated I feel on your behalf.

Sadly, I do agree with poppadom's sentiments and that it's not looking good.

I would also question the mentality of someone who thinks it is acceptable to keep someone who loves them hanging on, like she is doing to you. She sounds very selfish. Yes, she needs space, but she has had space and hasn't really thought about how YOU might be feeling.

She's what I call a "head-fucker" and they are not people you want to consider marrying as ultimately they care only for themselves.

I wish you well OP and I hope you find happiness as you deserve it.

Has she absolutely never done anything strange or unexpected before? Is this the very first time?

If you've known her almost year I'd be surprised if she hasn't left a single clue as to how she can suddenly be like this?

What about her previous relationships, I wonder. What exactly went wrong last time?
Did she ever explain in a little detail why she said she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with? Surely you asked her?

No need to answer if you'd rather not - just thinking to myself.

By now, I would move on if I was you.

If she had issues with your relationship that she was trying to "get her head around" then she would talk to you and work them out with you.

I reckon she is emotionally distancing herself and moving on, without letting you know, so she is basically keeping her options open without giving YOU the heads up. This is disrespectful and cold.

If she is now showing you her "difficult side" then she is testing the waters to see whether you will put up with this treatment or not.

My advice, dont put up with it. Move on!

I'm with Quint. It looks like she's trying to turn you into a "fallback" guy so if other options don't work out, she can use you for attention as you're showing her by your behaviour that you're a "safe" option.

(which I think is a horrible thing to do - often in the dating process I've encounter guys who see me as their "perfect woman". I "know" if I wasn't direct I could string them out and just keep them on a leash indefinitely, but I'd much rather be blunt and cut things off and leave them to find other dates/lovers than get the ego boost of having all these admirers who think they're in with a shot)

If someone values someone, they don't play games which might risk alienating them. Also if you do end up back together, are you going to accept the whole dynamic where she can pick and choose whether she's with you, and maybe sees herself as settling or doing you a favour by staying with you?

You come across like a nice enough guy, but a bit "adolescent" in the way you're not taking charge of this situation.

Seriously OP, she'd playing with your head.

When people say they are 'difficult' to have a relationship with that to me is a red flag. It can mean they are offering you a challenge. Like this one now- she walks off and waits to see if you follow. It will establish a pattern.

Or maybe she does really like you but can't find the guts to say she doesn't want you now- so this behaviour is a passive-aggressive way of hoping you will get that message.

I agree you haven't said anything about her relationship history or even your own- you are both quite 'old' in some ways to be messing about and not speaking frankly.

What do you think she is saying to her friends...might it be 'surely he's got the message by now?'

Sorry to hear you've still heard nothing.

I'd be tempted to give her the week-end to come forward and then make your decision from there.

Do you work nights often? Is your lack of availability at the week-ends ever a problem for her?

... a bit "adolescent" in the way you're not taking charge of this situation.

If you love a woman a lot and you're really desperate to have them you're at their mercy. You're just not in control at all.

That's the way I used to feel.

I agree pdfan

Sorry to dogpile, but I've been following this thread and must agree with the posters immediately above that this has gone on far too long now.

You don't know what's going on in her life and her head but, frankly, none of the possible scenarios are good. Best case is that she really does just want some "space", but doesn't think and/or doesn't care about the effect on you of leaving you hanging. Worst case is that she's met someone else and is either keeping you on the back burner, or is so swept up with the excitement of a new relationship that you don't even cross her mind.

I'm afraid that I see no happy ending here. If you do get back together you'll have set up a dynamic where both you and her know that it's all about her, and that your feelings and needs are secondary. (I was in such a relationship around the age of 20 - believe me you do not want to be there).

I don't know whether you should send an "ultimatum" text as Bump advises or not. But I would urge you to understand that it's over and start the painful process of picking the pieces of your heart of the floor now.

pdfan True dat

But that's why I said "adolescent" - I do think when a boy turns into a man, it's good for them to develop a strong sense of self to balance out the primitive power of the fairer sex. So they aren't just going round going LIKE ME APPROVE OF ME I'M SCARED OF ANNOYING YOU when they encounter an attractive woman?

(personally I'm very glad my DS is going for hardcore sports -rugby and rowing 1st squad - and his school has a very strong emphasis on "men should have a proper vocation and male friendships and a solid masculine identity)

I think that's often the case with guys who struggle being taken as serious prospects by women -they're just a bit too "reactive" and take everything too personally and literally and it comes across as doormatty and often passive-aggressive? "oh she SAID this so that's what I'll do. I'm going to go and whine now." rather than take action and risk being turned down.

Whereas the guys who seem to not struggle so much, have a vibe of "yes I'll be chivalrous and principled but I'll also value myself and what I myself want and put boundaries where appropriate."

Just having read your text messages to each other, it sounds like you are desperate and she is holding all the cards.

The two scenarios are (1) she's "just not that into you". Or (2) she is really into you, but due to issues of her own she is afraid of commitment and anything that compromises her own life (her position in relation to kids, while fair enough and certainly valid, is very unusual amongst women). Perhaps she is terrified of depending on you emotionally and taking the big risks that making a commitment to each other involves. To cope with the scared feeling she does something that allows her to feel powerful and in control (ie she tells you she needs space and lets you hop around her wondering what is going on).

Perhaps the talk of moving in together, coupled with the wedding, has all been too much.

If I were you I would tell her you are sympathetic for her need to have space. But that doesn't mean you are prepared to wait around like a lost puppy while she finds herself. She has a responsibility to you to be upfront and frank about what she wants. If its that she doesn't want to be together anymore, well you will be very sad as you love her, but you would rather know straight off so that you know where you stand.

If she does want to stay together but has worries about the relationship ie too intense, worried about too much too soon, then fine, lets talk about it together. You can share your own worries too!

btw I think you are right Marmite that if she was fairly sure she was going to dump you, should would have done it after the text. She's possibly trying to find out how much she misses you and whether you mean to her what her friend's husband does to her friend.

I would also question 'his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with' - really? I have been happily married for a very long time and love my husband very much, but I do have other concerns than my husband's comfort and happiness - like my children's, and mine, for starters. I suspect your girlfriend's friend was not being literal (unless she is completely without ego), so your girlfriend is benchmarking against something unlikely to be true.

Any update OP?

She's not wondering if she misses him at all! She's hoping that if she ignores him long enough he will go away quietly and she won't have to have the awkward conversation.

Yes, I agree with sparkly. Bin her off, OP, she's messing with you. Unfair.

Honestly, I think you should end this now if she hasn't yet.

I really don't think you should contact her again. She needs to know that if she's made the decision to pull back, you will just let her do it and not try to persuade her into changing her mind.

Some of the people on here have been very harsh.

I feel for you, OP. You were thinking your relationship was great and then without warning she implied it wasn't and disappeared. Anyone would be upset by that. Personally I think you shouldn't have sent the text.

I think people are being harsh too. I disagree she should be binned now - it's only been six days ... far too soon to start saying she is deliberately messing OP around.

Look. If I was seeing someone for a YEAR, and then they said they wanted some space and then didn't contact me for a week? I would know my answer, and I would get rid before they got rid of me. To me, 'space' means - fuck off, I want to be on my own.

I don't think anyone is being harsh, they're simply telling OP what he doesn't want to hear.
After a years worth of relationship, it is downright disrespectful to take a week out leaving the OP hanging. For those of you who think a week is not that long, I can assure you that a week would feel like a lifetime if they were left dangling like that.
Regardless of what the GF's ultimate intention is, she had shown a total lack of regard for the OP's feelings.

And, for the record, I feel enormously sad for the OP. Really, I do.

But you've been with this person for a year nearly, you feel you know her really well by now. You've been seeing her regularly, feel really close to her. You've had affection and warmth from her, companionship, intimate conversations, sex...
You've had high hopes that you're going to be together permanently. She's very very special to you. You want her so much. You love her! It's really really hard just to think, "that's the end" The finality of that is too awful to contemplate.It's the last thing you want to happen. That would be a disaster. You know it won't be you who'll end this no matter what. You're beyond caring about your dignity or pride or your self respect. They don't matter, nothing matters... you just want her! You long to see her smiling face again. You'll do anything to get her back.

Why won't she contact you, for God's sake? What is she doing right now? Where is she? Is she with anyone? You're in torment.
You're clinging on desperately to the hope it just isn''t the end. You can hardly believe it could be. Maybe it can all be sorted out soon and things will be back to normal. Your optimistic little thought comforts you for a fleeting moment.
The reality of being without her so suddenly and unexpectedly is almost unthinkable. The world felt a far nicer place with her than without her. If only she'd come back to you your world would be transformed back to what it was before.
You just feel she's irreplaceable, that you can hardly live without her. You want all this to be a bad dream....

You tell yourself there's still a chance. No-one can deny it. You feel she's treated you so cruelly but you're incapable of taking a stance and ending it yourself. The finality of that is just too unbearable. You simply can't do anything of the sort.
You feel so shocked, upset and miserable right now. You'll have to be absolutely forced to accept it really is the end. She'll have to tell you, not you her. If she just comes back you'll forgive her, of course you will! You'll forgive her a thousand times!
At the moment you just want to hang on to any tiny shreds of hope that there are.

The harsh reality of having to live without her, without hearing her lovely voice ever again, feeling her physical nearness, her touch, her scent... is opening before you like a dark chasm, a nightmare. The world will feel so cold and bleak without her by your side. You don't want to be in that world. It will be meaningless, almost alien. You've lost interest in all the things you used to like to do. You've no interest even in eating. You don't get any comfort from anything any more. You're in agony with the pain of it all and completely wrapped up in it. You don't even believe but you pray.... again and again.
And you still daren't admit to yourself it could really be the end....

I've been there