Male seeking advice

[Marmite77]

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

QuintessentialShadows - she came up with the hairy daughter nickname.

I sent the text last night. Got a response a couple of hours later saying hi, I'm glad to hear you're ok, I appreciate you giving me some time to sort my head out x

well, she replied.
But is that enough for you?

I understand your angst- really.

But- where's your anger?

What's come through all your posts is any lack of outrage.
You constantly spring to her defence whatever anyone says about how she may be re. relationship history or how she is treating you.

Aren't you angry?

If this situation was reversed- man leaving a woman to stew while he sorted his head out- the advice would be ignore him, get on with your life, don't wait for him to make us his mind, and don't allow him to believe you were ready and waiting should he decide he wants you.

In my experience, as an 'older woman' both personally and looking at friends' relationships, when one person treats the other like this then the person who 'waits' is always on the back foot in the relationship, if it even survives.

You do need to think seriously if you are willing to be toyed with and give her the choice to mess you about.

She is undoubtedly playing you, I'm afraid to say. If she genuinely felt there were problems in your relationship that could be remedied & the relationship saved, she'd be working through these things WITH you.
Insisting on 'space' is merely a smokescreen for letting you down gently while maintaining an air of her being complex.
I know OP that you're trying to convince yourself that this relationship is perfect & worth saving but really, it isn't. She's showing you this very clearly now.

And, I should say, by not involving you in what these issues are or how they can be resolved, she is saying that she doesn't value your input.

I acted in exactly the same way to an exP & in all honesty the relationship I had with him sounded very much like yours. He was so emotionally open, always telling me he loved me & whilst I was happy to be swept along in the fantasy of being in love for a while, I have to say that going to a wedding where the couple clearly properly adored each other would have made me react in the same way as your GF has done.

Oh. Marmite. That doesn't give you much to go on does it? It's very passive aggressive I must say.

Right. And bear in mind I've been rooting for you all along, you have to not contact her now. At all.

Fwiw I think she's being a very stupid woman and she will live to regret this. This is pretty immature behaviour I must say and seems to be all about effect and what your reaction will be. Don't give her one. Carry on with life and wait and see

It's so tough. And you have my sympathies

Balance of probability is that its over. Sorry OP.

If I had to make a (totally wild) guess, I'd say the wedding set the biological clock alarm off, and she is now looking for "the father of my children", but she may not even know it herself yet.

missbopeep - I am angry, I'm also frustrated and upset and pissed off and annoyed but I'm trying not to let that get the better off me because what exactly will that achieve? my anger doesn't change the fact that I still want to sort things out at the moment and isn't going to make me start slagging her off or not sticking up for her if I don't agree with what is being said

Marmite- you ask what you will achieve by showing some anger of frustration?

Maybe some respect from her , for a start.

You are ALLOWING her to behave like this.

Being all reasonable and too nice can be a turn off for some women (I'd include myself there.) Women like men who are in tune with their emotions but they also like a bit of Alpha male- and you are definitely beta here!

As others have said, if she has issues with the relationship, out of respect for your feelings she ought to meet you and discuss.

She's setting the scene for the 'it's me not you' scenario. I know this is awful for you but you need to try to start detaching and don't contact her- sounds like she thrives on attention.

She's dumping you but is too cowardly to come right out and say it, it's the if I ignore him he will go away technique. Move on, don't text again. I know it's tough though.

Going against the grain here, I don't think what she has done is so bad. She had doubts and she wants to think them through alone - perfectly sensible. It may be that she needs OP not to be present to think through the situation properly i.e. she likes him, loves him, fancies him, but doesn't want the distraction of all that (and wanting to hop into bed with him) if she is trying to decide if he is the man she wants to spend her life with.

Twenty nine is a difficult age - I remember that suddenly everyone started to get married and you have to look at your own objectives. Far better that she do this than drag things out for another five years and leave OP then.

Missbopeep it's only been three days - it's not like she's left him hanging for three months! Why would she want someone who starts to get angry at the prospect of three days' space?

I think some people are being extremely harsh on you OP obviously you are going through a difficult time and this really hurts. From my experience as a woman I have never needed space from a DP but I have had a guy who used the kind of language your GF has...space, time to sort my head out. He ended up messing with me completely emotionally and the more he pulled away the harder it was for me. I think you have a right to say this is hurtful to me, how long will it take for you to start communicating with me? I think a year is a long relationship, I've been my my DP just over a year and we are living together/engaged.

Marmite,

I would be very wary of proceeding from here. I think that rules are set early in relationships and, were she to come back and want to resume as you were, she will always think that she has the option to come and go as she pleases with no consequence. Clearly it is a different matter if she comes back with a proper explanation of the issues and says that it will never happen again.

As I said upthread, I would text her and say that as from this weekend you regard yourself as a free agent and that her return is consequent upon you not finding someone else or reassessing the situation. At the moment you are being a doormat.

Oh don't be silly Xollob- who would wait for 3 months?
I don't think it matters if it's 3 hours, 3 days or 3 weeks.

Anyone who cares about someone who they have been seeing for a year owes them some insight into what they are mulling over.

I'm not having a go at the OP- I'm expressing my annoyance at his being treated like this- they are 2 different things.

At this point I would text and say that you have been happy to give her space up till this point but its not been very fun for you and you're starting to get ticked off with it. So she's got until Sunday before you're off down the pub to pick up your next root.

The problem with "give me space" is it puts the other partner in limbo. Try and see for how long space is needed and you're being pressurising, try and live your own life again and you have no faith in them. No win.

I have no idea what a reasonable amount of time is, but i'd not contact her again, and if I'd heard nothing after the weekend I'd assume it's off, nothing by the weekend after and I'd get on with my life. I dont think I'd contact her again.

Even if she then came back I'd think she is going to be very hard work, and is at best FWB material.

I don't get the antipathy towards needing space. Sometimes people need to think. They are unable to articulate what is wrong until they've had a period of quiet reflection.

If the OP's GF hadn't requested space we may well have had a thread titled "DP is being very distant with me and I don't know why" or "just been dumped out of the blue".

But I agree that she's being unreasonable to not say what she's unhappy about (even if in the vaguest terms) or to agree a timescale after which they meet up and talk things through.

Marmite you're in a difficult situation but I applaud you for giving her the space she has asked for. That's the difference I think between men and women. If a man had asked for this, many women would have got rather evil and angry by now.

It must be incredibly frustrating for you not knowing where you stand.

Is she the sort that's a bit needy and needs reassurance? I'm maybe thinking that after the two weddings you've both attended she's wanting you to declare your undying love and propose or ask her for more, maybe moving in together.

Are you absolutely sure there is no one else on the scene and she's sussing out her options and whether the grass is greener?

She might be 'testing you' to see if she pulls back ( as she's done) you move forward to fill the space with a proposal or commitment type scenario - all prompted by the weddings.

On the other hand the weddings and other people's seemingly married bliss may have really made her think that what she feels for you is a million miles from that.

Maybe she doesn't feel you are her ideal man, long term, and she's having to weigh up how she feels about ending it - or compromising on her feelings and continuing your relationship.

I only know that as a woman if I did what she was doing now, it'd be because I had serious doubts and needed to make a decision. I think this makes it very dodgy ground for you long term because if she needs time to think after a year she can't be sure of her feelings. You might get pulled into a stop-start/ on-off relationship.

I also think it's important to reflect on what someone else asked ( and you didn't say)- do you have plenty in common, what kinds of stuff do you do together, have you spent time together on holiday etc- or has the relationship been mainly physical and is the honeymoon bliss wearing off and it's time for her to reflect on whether there is any substance there.

I agree - I don't get the problem with her asking for space. She sounds quite insightful - she recognises she has a problem and describes herself as difficult, she recognises there is a problem right now and needs to think about it. Look at the evidence here - the evidence is that up until now they have had a good, and by the sounds of it healthy, relationship. It is better that she takes this time out now than dumps Marmite five years down the line.

She could be realising that he isn't going to be the man she wants to be spending the rest of her life with, or she could be wondering why he hasn't been more proactive about moving their relationship forward and feeling that she is doing the driving (not suggesting that is the case). Women don't always ask for what they want in as straightforward a way as men do. I know lots and lots of couples who have split up before getting engaged. I think OP has to maintain a silence now and get on with his life as best he can.

Missbopeep sorry I missed the question you asked me up thread.

Yes, I am in a relationship. And we tell each other we love each other with a frequency which I suspect would make your toes curl!

Any news Marmite?
I hope you have a busy week-end planned to take your mind off things.