Male seeking advice

[Marmite77]

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

OP, I don't know if its how you come across in writing, but some of the things you have written make me feel quite uncomfortable. I have described some of them previously, but basically its your attitude and your constant desire to interfere in another individual's wishes, and to over-analyse the situation (you wrote previously about there being no evidence for her current "behaviour" - somewhat condescending).

Its been 2 1/2 days since you last had contact. Its too early to expect to "draw a line under it" or to expect a host of "reasons". You don't even want it to end. And if you don't, I suggest you remember that you have a life outwith your relationship and that you get on with it. Not many intelligent women want an overly clingy, obsessed man. FWIW I agree with the posters who say that telling someone you love them every day devalues it, and personally I can't see the point in constant texting and phoning every single night either. I know some people do it, but speaking as someone who simply isn't allowed to text while at work or use the internet (ie I'm not at work right now), I don't see how its workable.

Are you older than her? Is this more about a blow to your pride and your well-set life plans than her as a person?

Above all, I think you need to relax. This is a less than one year long relationship, not a lengthy marriage or broken off engagement. Where is your sense of perspective? Why are so desperate to phone or text her right now? At least wait until the end of the week, or better still, the end of the weekend, and text her then - but preferably not in the manner of the draft text you wrote - which suggests that you are in control of the entire relationship and that you are not treating her as an equal and are belittling her previous comments - it would irritate me if I received something like that from someone I felt I needed space from.

That's why I hate texts unless they are to say 'see you will be 5 mins late' etc!
They allow the recipient to ignore you and possibly misinterpret what you feel. I really think they are totally unsuitable for anything where real emotions are involved- IMO they allow people to cop out.

Marmite- if this was a long relationship which you said it was, and you were thinking of moving in together, then is it not odd that you are so nervous about making contact?

Analyse your emotions- if it's rejection you are afraid of, then waiting another day or a week will not make the slightest difference. If it IS all over then it's better you know and begin to deal with it, than wait and wonder.

If it's NOT all over then you need some explanation from her and you need to seriously think how you feel about being in a relationship with someone who basically disappears in a 'mood' and leaves you dangling. That's not good behaviour and if she wants out, she should come clean and say so. Or if she needs time to think, she needs to say so.

This is classic passive -aggressive behaviour- a bit of self-indulgence thrown in too- is she worth it?

Harsh LessMissAbs! Marmite I understand your desperation to find out what is going on - this is the person you were going to marry. Just leave it a little bit longer though.

I think the OP is getting a pretty hard time from some posters here. My DH and I say 'I love you' to each other a lot and neither of us are insecure or trying to convince ourselves. I also don't think a year is a particularly short relationship, many couples are talking about moving in together or marrying after a year.

I think the best advice OP is to just give her the space she wants. Start assuming it's over and that you may not get the answers you want.

AKiss My DH and I say it daily too - usually shortly after ranting at each other for not putting the washing away etc, but we still say it daily.

Maybe you should use this shock and the time it has given you to reconsider if you really want to get married anyway? It appears you are never going to be a happy family unit because there will be no children, just a couple living together, getting older..., endlessly telling each other how much they love each other... Is this what you really want out of life? It could end up being a bit dull and sterile somehow.
And who knows, after you're married for a while and you've gone some foreign holidays together she could start feeling the need for 'some space and time apart' again. What do you do then?

OP I agree you are getting a hard time here. Not sure why.

I disagree that saying I love you everyday is too much. DH and I regularly say it. Before we married, and lived apart, we would have some contact each day, even if just a text. I would not say either of us is clingy or needy!

Clearly your partner is working through some issues. Fine. But she is being selfish by not at least keeping you in the loop. I would send the text. You have then done all you can. If it doesn't work out, at least you won't think "what-if".

Incidentally, has she ever accused you of being too smothering in the past? Has she talked about the future with you? I absolutely respect the decision not to want kids but I'm always curious as to why? It's not a commitment issue is it?

Xollob this is the person you were going to marry!

I got the impression the OP's girlfriend was unaware she was engaged to the OP!

"She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened."

I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

She fancies you. You jump into bed as soon as you see eachother. No doubt the sexual connection is there.

But...

She seem to miss the deep personal connection that exist between a couple who adore eachother and have been with eachother for 10 years.
Do you think they got this connection through fancying the pants of each other and having great sex?

You dont mention anything about your common interests, and what you do together, and what makes her and you tick as people. For all I know you spend your time discussion travels to Himalayas, the endagered habitat of the polar bear, life ambitions, religion and philosophy, great books you both read, films you watch, but in the absence of reading about any such thing I want to ask a question:

Do you think that that upon seeing your friends and their closeness, she realized that all you and her have is a great shag, and does not go beyond that?

weddings, funerals and births always make people think.
immortality, what you want for the next 50 years, blah blah.

sounds like the wedding has made her face issues she was ignoring.

she doesn't sound 'easy'. to be with.

Assume the worst. Hope for the best.

Put yourself out of your misery and contact her.

After a year she owes you an insight into her feelings.

Let's clear something up, we are not engaged. I was saying that I felt I would want to may her.

LessMissAbs - evidence is me trying to understand what is happening and it's not constant texts throughout the day it's little chats here and there and no, it's about her as a person not some ridiculous idea of hurt pride or spoilt plans. it doesn't do surprise me that a text would irritate you as it seems most thing probably would.

missbopeep - I'm nervous because I don't want to mess anything up and do the wrong thing.

If it isn't over then of course this needs seriously addressing but I would like the opportunity to try and work through it. Yes she is definitely worth it.

bluegrasses - it's perfectly possible to be happy without children, not everyone is looking for that family unit.

oohdaddypig - she's never said I'm too smothering and yes we've talked about the future. the kids thing isn't a commitment issue.

QuintessentialShadows - we have loads of common interests. She's met my friends before so their relationships are not new to her and no I don't think their closeness comes from fancying each other just like I also don't think you can compare a relationship of 1 year with one of 10 years.

missbopeep again - it might not sound it but she really isn't difficult to be with

But she has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship

when men say this to women, we all scream LISTEN- they are telling you the truth.

You appear not to want to hear.

We don't know her relationship history- you should. Does her current behaviour fit with that?

I doubt that anything you do now will mess things up.
Either she is having 2nd thought about you as a partner, or she is not ready to commit , and has doubts about her ability to commit.

I'd like to know your ages. This 'no children' thing is fine BUT what you might want if you are 25 might change when you are 35 or 40. You need to be very very certain that you are not compromising- should she come back to you- on the children thing.

There will be women out there who are just as good a match for you and who do want children. If it's something you always thought you might want you'd be an idiot to compromise.

missbopeep - what I'm saying is I haven't found her to be difficult to have a relationship with, certainly not to the point that I don't want to.

Her current behaviour doors got in with this statement though.

I'm 35, she's 29. The children thing isn't an issue

As hard as it is people just go off people, I think that's what has happened here. Maybe she thought you were a bit nasty when you were having a laugh at your mates dress sense? Sometimes it can be such a small thing that does it.

Do not text her, that is the quickest way to make her think "ffs! I said I needed space!" It can only irritate. Believe me you will not lose her because you don't text, but you could drive her further away if you do.

I think the wedding just made her realise she didn't have those deep feelings for you. Rubbish for you I know.

Honestly LittleMissAbs leave the chap be. As he's gone from a period of stability to something akin to mental chaos it's no wonder he's digging deep for an answer. A lot of people do this (yes including us guys). It's actually a step in the grieving process.

I'm afraid Marmite, in my experience,talk like that is pretty much final (file with "it's not you it's me"). Withdraw yourself completly. If she gears up the interest again respond to her with gentlemanly moderation. DO NOT sleep with her whilst this is going on, It'll break you.

I hope it works out for both of you

The only certain thing on this thread is no one knows what's happening, and unfortunately the OPs best next step depend on what is going on.

In my opinion she does at least owe some idea of what's going on by now, I think text is the least intrusive, something fairly neutral like "seems odd not to chat to you, hope all is ok" or some such.

I can't see how that would change anything much one way or another. The response (or lack of) will hopefully make it clearer what's going on.

I'll be sending a text when I finish work I think. Nice but not too deep or full on and try and make her laugh

Let us know how you get on.

You want to try to make her laugh via a text?

Is that wise?

If I was ending or thinking of ending a long relationship, a text to 'cheer me up' or make me laugh could be the last straw. It could imply my boyfriend just didn't have a handle on how serious my worries were or how I was feeling.

I have the feeling that she's had the upper hand in your relationship. she's the one who needs reassurance, she's the one who said she was hard to have a relationship with, she's the one who doesn't want kids so you fall in with that.....she's the one who has disappeared and left you in the lurch not knowing what's what.

How does that feel when it's spelled out?

I think you have to man-up and ask her outright WTF is going on and does she want you or not.

Oh I don't know, a funny text might make me feel a bit more affectionate towards him. Personally I wouldn't text at all, let them stew. Wondering how you got on OP, do let us know .

when have I said I've changed my stance on children to suit her?

the text was going to be something along the lines of "hi please don't think I've been ignoring you as you haven't been in touch. I'm trying to give you space which is why I'm not calling but I miss you and I miss or hairy daughter and I hope we can sort things out. hope you're ok

the hairy daughter is her dog.

yeah she's the one who needs reassurance (I do too occasionally) and she's said she can be hard work but some people are worth it

I think you deserve better.

I would not refer to the dog as your "daughter" if she is a woman who

1. Does not want kids
2. Is uncertain about your relationship.

I wasn't implying I thought Marmite was engaged - but he said somewhere that she was the woman that he has hoped to spend the rest of his life with - and that's quite a big realisation.

I hope the text went OK Marmite