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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

pregnant. husband doesn't love me

56 replies

anon81 · 24/09/2013 13:19

So I'm 32 and 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband of 11 years told me a couple of days back he doesn't love me any more and wants to leave. He says I should have an abortion as it is a simple procedure and would mean we could both move on with our lives without involving a child in a single parent household. He had often said he is not ready for kids but if it happens then it happens. Needless to say this want planned. I however am desperate for a child but was willing to wait. Initially he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay and I said I would be willing to have an abortion if he wanted to leave. This was however a lie. I just didn't want to bring up a child in a loveless marriage. Now he says he Def dosn't love me and wants to leave. But got upset that I then chucked him out that night. My thinking being if he wants to go then he should go. When he told mei drove out to the middle ofa field so I could think. Then drove toa friends to talk. He is now saying I made him homeless without even talking to him. When I was in the fieldi did call him but all he really wanted to talk about was me having an abortion. I am determined to keep this baby but am finding myself very low and second guessing the choices I have made. I am so lonely without him. Being together since we were 17 means he is all I've ever known. But I don't want a bad relationship having bad effects on our child. Sorry to ramble on.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 24/09/2013 13:21

How awful Sad

Do you think he has someone else?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 13:36

What a horrible, selfish man. I'm so sorry. I would interpret what he said as 'I want to be with someone else and being a father would get in the way'. Appalling.

I know you're lonely and upset but I think you're doing the right thing. He's out of your house which is good. Stay out of contact with him, be with your friends instead, look after yourself, look after your baby (congratulations) and, when you feel able, go see a lawyer. Good luck

Fragglewump · 24/09/2013 13:38

What a sorry excuse for a man. Do not give in to his manipulation and abort your child. Be strong and build a better life for you and your baby. Good luck!

MadBusLady · 24/09/2013 13:41

I don't know what to say except Brew because you're in a horrible situation but you've done more or less everything right as far as I can see. It's totally natural to be lonely after you've spent so long with one person - now is the time to really lean on friends and family.

He can't force you to have a medical procedure you don't want, it just isn't within his rights. So there's nothing to discuss there.

As for being chucked out - what on earth did he think was going to happen after the "I don't love you and I want to leave" conversation?? If he really is determined to end this, obviously you will have to sell your place or end the rental contract, and then he'll be able to move on and no longer be "homeless" Hmm But no reasonable person would even want to carry on living with their pregnant wife they'd just dumped from a great height. If he tries to come back temporarily you probably legally can't stop him, but morally I think that part of his behaviour is awful. Would it really kill him to sleep in a spare room for a while while the legal destruction he started is completed?

In sum, you've taken the best options open to you and if you're determined to keep the baby even at this crisis point then I'd say you have a lot of determination and strength and you'll see it through. Wishing you luck and I hope some single parents will be along to give you specific advice about maintenance and so on.

rainbowfeet · 24/09/2013 13:43

So sorry you are going through this...

I was asked by my ds 's dad to have an abortion in order for us to carry on our relationship.. I chose to have my son. Knowing I would be a lone parent (although hoping the dad would come round to the idea).
He didn't!! Hmm

Fast forward ds is 19 months it has been tough at times, some days are real hard work but I am so glad I took the decision to have him, we have an amazing bond. & he is gorgeous, clever, cheeky & so loving, where as his dad was a crap boyfriend anyway!! Wink

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/09/2013 13:45

I suspect he thought he had a few more months of to agonise over his decision and have you begging him to reconsider.

He underestimated you.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 24/09/2013 13:47

You were right to kick him out.... If he wants to leave then he can go now.

If you abort to appease him, you will never forgive him and maybe never forgive yourself. You want the baby, then you will be alright.

Xoxo Thanks

MadBusLady · 24/09/2013 13:53

I think that's probably true Join. The reality of losing the OP as his emotional "audience" is probably a shock to him. He's been with her since he was 17 too.

It's obviously not a good idea to get hopes up because what he has said sounds pretty final, but if there is any chance he is just having a moment of madness, chucking him out is probably the single best chance you have of bringing him to his senses.

fifi669 · 24/09/2013 13:58

If you want this baby don't let anyone convince you otherwise. It'll be tough but worth it

Viviennemary · 24/09/2013 13:59

If you want the baby you absolutely should not not not have an abortion because he wants you to. I think you did the right thing in telling him to leave. I don't think I'd even bother listening to him for the time being till you have made some decisions that are right for you and not right for him.

whitesugar · 24/09/2013 14:30

Congratulations! If you want to have this baby just do it with or without him. You sound like its something you have wanted for a while. You did so well to kick him out. You should be giving lessons to lots of us mums on here. Babies are hard work but they are gorgeous and bring an awful lot of joy too. Hopefully you will have some folk in RL who can support you. It will be very interesting to hear how your H shapes up when he sees you so determined.

I hope you are keeping well. Get some pregnancy magazines and some cakes and sit down and start to enjoy your pregnancy. If I sound flippant I don't mean to be. It will be hard at times but you sound determined and capable. Lots of us mums have reared babies alone and managed. As tough as it can be I never regretted my decision for one minute. Even now with 2 teenagers who drive me bonkers I still think it was worth it. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

80sMum · 24/09/2013 14:38

What a horrible situation for you OP. From what you've said, I think you have done the right thing to ask your DH to leave. Don't let anyone talk you into aborting the pregnancy if it's not what you want to do.

TimidLivid · 24/09/2013 14:40

Congratulations, another who feels if you want this baby, have it. it is only your choice and you clearly want a baby. there is nothing that comes close to the love you feel for a child, in comparison in my opinion man love is nothing compared to the love and bond you have with a child. you did the right thing asking him to leave so he cant torture and confuse and blackmail you and ruin the happiness of your pregnancy, good luck with it and keep posting if you need support

pumpkinsweetie · 24/09/2013 14:46

What a selfish twatoid, he is obviously no use to a goldfish let alone his pregnant partnerConfused

You both made this baby but he wants a get out clause and is convincing you into doing something that could ultimately destroy your life.
Having an abortion, i'm sure is never 'simple' how he puts itShock

I would discard him from your life and really think about what YOU want, whether that be abortion, adoption or keeping your baby. But make sure it is your choice as it is is ultimately you who will be going through either life changing experience, not him!!!

Have a Brew on me

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 14:57

I don't think there's any way back from someone who insists on an abortion. When your ex is bragging to his mates about his fantastic DD or DS in years to come OP ... you'll know he actually wanted the child dead. Utterly despicable.

Original poster
anon81 · 24/09/2013 15:08

Thanks so much for the support people. I'v got a friend who tells me the same. She is my rock.but when your head is messed up is hard to be sure you've done the right thing. Your reassurance has made me even more determined. Thanks so much everyone.

OP posts:
sisterofmercy · 24/09/2013 15:25

You wanted to be a mother before this and you want this particular baby. It is very heartbreaking that perhaps one journey has come to its end but perhaps the best one is just beginning. Look after yourself and your little one and let the rest happen when it happens.

superstarheartbreaker · 25/09/2013 23:04

Oh my ex tried this one on me. I kept dd and told him to fuck right off. I do get the occasional simpering apology and email saying how much he misses us. Luckily for me he pissed off abroad and cant get back to the uk. He regrets not being there for us. Keep your baby op and tell your ex to fuck off. It is uterly painful when a partner tries to force an abortion. ...just nasty and I would always dump anyone who gave me such an ultimatum.

WithACherryOnTop10 · 25/09/2013 23:42

Sorry to hear you're having a rubbish time.
I'm in a similar situation... But my partner is refusing to believe the baby is his "because we used condoms" how naive!
He won't speak to me at all and it's heartbreaking that he even things I would do that in the first place, and I'm angry that he would do this to me.
I've got a 8 and 9 year old... I've not long finished my degree so I'm trying to find my feet in my career and I'm completely stuck about how to move forward or what decision to even make for the best!!
I keep thinking he's just in shock because we have been careful.. And he just needs time to get his head around it... I have also considered that the man I thought I knew after 6 years is indeed just an A class asshole!!
I had my daughters at a young age and OT sure if I can go through it on my own all over again, however saying that I'm a lot more experienced and wiser now.. So would it be all that bad?
Sorry for the rant.... I really hope you figure out the situation for the best for you moving forward.
Best of luck! Xxxxx

skyeskyeskye · 26/09/2013 00:41

There is a lovely lady on MN who discovered she was pregnant after her husband left her. She agonised over what to do and ultimately had the baby. It's not what she wanted, bringing her baby up in her own but she would be the first to tell you that you can do this on your own.

It is your body, your decision. He wants rid do that it doesn't mess up his new life. It's not his decision to make. It's yours. He will be financially responsible a d you will get tax credits possibly and child benefit.

But it is your decision and he plays no part in it. Let him go.

do think you need to consider the possibility that there is somebody else. It's quite often the way when they suddenly announce that they no longer love you. :(

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 26/09/2013 06:20

He said about having a kid "If it happens it happens". Then tried to make you terminate, knowing it's something you want.
What a scumbag.

wakemeupnow · 26/09/2013 06:39

Sounds to me like he is terrified of being a dad which is the ultimate comittment. Maybe he thought if he came on strong and told you he no longer loved you, then you would have an abortion and he wouldn't have to deal with his fears.

Men often freak out when faced with the idea of fatherhood... that doesn't excuse his appalling behaviour ... but realise he may not always be such a wanker once your child is born .

eggyhead · 26/09/2013 06:40

Poor you Sad

He's made his bed now I would make him lie in it (and never take the toad back).

Whatever you decide, you should plan your future without him. Surround yourself with kindness and you will manage.

Very best of luck in whatever you decide... Smile.

Jellybeanz1 · 26/09/2013 06:40

I cant believe he's left you now. You've know him for 17 years , all your adult life and he says this now when you most need him. Raising children is the hardest job I've done (still doing) but just coz he's left you doesn't mean you will be doing it alone. My dcousin (sorry horrible story) had an abortion to please a partner who left her. It went horribly wrong and she can't have children. He later had children with someone else. He could man up after the shock or if he doesn't - just aswell you found out now whilst you are still young enough for you to have lots of options. I hope it works out for you. I feel so Sad for you alone in that field. Get your friends round.

worsestershiresauce · 26/09/2013 07:20

He can't make you abort, and I'd hazard a guess that if you did he'd go anyway. I'm another who is fairly sure there is someone else in the background, hence his sudden desire to leave. I've never known a man to leave without another woman to go to. It's such a cliche, but sadly true.

You did the right thing chucking him out. He can't have it both ways. Well done you!