pregnant. husband doesn't love me

[anon81]

So I'm 32 and 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband of 11 years told me a couple of days back he doesn't love me any more and wants to leave. He says I should have an abortion as it is a simple procedure and would mean we could both move on with our lives without involving a child in a single parent household. He had often said he is not ready for kids but if it happens then it happens. Needless to say this want planned. I however am desperate for a child but was willing to wait. Initially he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay and I said I would be willing to have an abortion if he wanted to leave. This was however a lie. I just didn't want to bring up a child in a loveless marriage. Now he says he Def dosn't love me and wants to leave. But got upset that I then chucked him out that night. My thinking being if he wants to go then he should go. When he told mei drove out to the middle ofa field so I could think. Then drove toa friends to talk. He is now saying I made him homeless without even talking to him. When I was in the fieldi did call him but all he really wanted to talk about was me having an abortion. I am determined to keep this baby but am finding myself very low and second guessing the choices I have made. I am so lonely without him. Being together since we were 17 means he is all I've ever known. But I don't want a bad relationship having bad effects on our child. Sorry to ramble on.

[Lizzabadger]

I am sorry. He is having an affair, most likely, and he is a shit.

Make your own decisions about the pregnancy and gather as much RL support as you can. X

[Bogeyface]

I am not sure he is having an affair, but that he panicked and is trying to strong arm the OP into an abortion so that he doesnt have to deal with his fears of becoming a father. He wouldnt be the first to do this.

I think his shock at being kicked out proves that he never really wanted to split up, and was expecting the OP to terminate the pregnancy and they could live happily ever after.

[CailinDana]

Another possible reason for his reaction is that he doesn't like the prospect of your attention being on anyone but him so he's attention seeking and trying to get you to beg him to stay so he can keep you insecure and wondering if he'll leave you again. Is he quite controlling/jealous?

Do not get back with him.

[randomAXEofkindness]

I'm not a single mum, but I can easily see that there can be benefits as well as the disadvantages of raising your baby alone, just as there are in a couple. Don't feel guilty about not having the perfect set-up when the baby is born - hardly anyone does. You can be a wonderful mother without his help (well especially without his help, because he's a prick).

I'm so sorry you're going through this now. I can understand how lonely you must feel after so long together, but please believe things will get better. Write down everything you can possibly think of that will be better now that he's gone, even the silly things like having more bed space (for your beautiful little baby

[randomAXEofkindness]

Oh and congratulations!

[BabylonReturns]

So sorry you're going through this OP, but you can do it and be a fantastic parent to child.

[SpicedGingerTea]

Hello OP. My H left last year suddenly, I found out I was pregnant a few days after he left. (Subsequently discovered he had been having an affair and got OW pregnant too, but that's a whole different story,...).

Like you I longed for a child. My H also asked me to get rid as in his words 'I can't believe this has come at such a bad time'. He felt it was best 'not to go ahead'. He couldn't actually bring himself to say the word 'abortion' but he got as close to it as he dared. I was distraught that this was his reaction.

I spent the first few weeks of the pregnancy agonising what to do. I even booked a termination date and only decided at the 11th hour that I was going to keep the baby. Having said that, I think I knew, deep down, that I was always going to keep,..... but I just needed that option.

Fast forward a year and I'm typing on my bed as I have my (and he is MINE, ALL MINE!!!) 5 1/2 month little baby boy next to me. My H, who I am currently divorcing, has had nothing to do with the pregnancy and has not seen his son. I am doing it alone and suspect he will have no involvement at all. I won't lie, it's been really hard at times, but already I wouldn't change a thing. My H showed his true colours and I wouldn't want him around anyway.

I recently went on holiday as a single parent with my own parents. It's not how I imagined my life to be at all - but I will never regret my decision to have my lovely little DS.

If you want to do it, you can.

[lazarusb]

My ex tried to persuade, then bully me into a termination. It's amazing how they think you can just go in, have an abortion and get on with your life. Almost like having a tooth out. There was no way I was ever going to terminate. It was hard and I'm sure my situation was different from yours. But I've never had any regrets about keeping ds. He's 23 years old now and I'm so proud of what we've shared together. It's far more irreplaceable than any man will ever be.

Do you have friends and family who will support you? Both Lou (above) and I had/have great family support.

Whatever your decision, do it for you - not him. Good luck with whichever path you walk down.

[omuwalamulungi]

I am so sorry this has happened. Whatever you decide you'll find lots of support on here, keep talking.

[IHateWinter]

What a cruel, insensitive bastard your husband is. To spring this on his wife when she is in her first trimester - a very precarious time in pregnancy when you do not need any shocks or upset. Words fail me.

He's defo not husband material. Dump him. Trust me, he'll regret his decision further down the road. You've been together exclusively since you were 17. Where on earth does he think he's going to find another woman who'll love him the way you have? His bubble will burst. And he'll come whining back guaranteed, no matter what cold words he says now. I know from experience.

Count yourself lucky you discovered what a pitiful excuse for a man he is now. It would be worse for you and your child if he started showing his true colours a year or so down the line.

You can do it without him. Don't let him cajole you into an abortion, you'll regret it. I know is hard as you were together from a young age. But if you let him call the shots, he'll play with your emotions and you don't need that when you're pregnant.

You will be stronger after this and things will get better I promise you.

Good on you for showing him the curb.

[Wellwobbly]

Anon how are you job wise, support wise?

How has your relationship been otherwise, in the last 17 years? What is he like as a person? (Try to be objective).

Has he got lots of friends? Does he tend to get his own way in your r?

[maniclady]

Firstly congrats on your pg so sorry that you are going through this. I had a abortion that I didn't want and ten years on I still have nightmares and cry over it. So please please don't abort this baby. I resented my partner and left him within a month of having a abortion. Well done on kicking him out.

[theboutiquemummy]

You will make a brilliant mother you know why because your first thought was to protect your child and throw the toad out. Please don't be forced into an abortion the guilt is very hard to live with

You have the right instincts and RL support in your friends consult a solicitor and begin to plan your new life without mr toad he called your bluff and I don't suppose for one minute did he think he'd lose the argument - which IMO goes to the character of the man is that the sort of father figure you would want for your child

Good Luck

[Sleepybunny]

Throwing him out when you are in such a vulnerable position just shows how strong you are IMO.

Well done

Keep talking to friends, family and people on here.

[gettingeasiernow]

I think having a much wanted baby will make you far happier than having a horrid partner like him, no matter how lonely and frightened you may feel now. Believe me, when your lovely baby is there you will love him/her so much that this will keep you strong through the hard times, and it will be massively rewarding. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you will cope. On the other hand, if you abort and try to be with him, the relationship is just doomed anyway.

[anon81]

Hi all thought i'd update you. I have managed to get things mostly sorted financially. Although I am disabled and unable to work. I have since spoken with my ex and he said the only reason he asked for an abortion is because he didn't think I'd thought about how hard having a child would be, which doesn't really wash with me. He has been to the scan and although was supportive during, was as miserable as sin after and told me later he felt no excitement only felt sorry for it. Needless to say I will not be having any contact with him after my next scan (which unfortunately he will be at) as he ruined what should have been a very exciting day for me. He has since told me that I did not respect him and that he had told me this thousands of times, and that I ruined the marriage because of this, and that I had also told him I didn't love him, which thinking back I may have done in the heat of an argument which I never meant. Now I feel extremely confused as I keep thinking that it is as much my fault as his that he didn't love me any more. However I feel that doesn't change the fact that he needed to leave as bringing up a child like that would be far worse than staying together. I miss him a lot, but every time i have to speak to him he upsets me, so think it is for the best. I'm pretty sure some of you are right that he freaked out a bit, but he says that the relationship has been unstable for years, I just assumed it was the same arguments most couples have. Needless to say although very lonely and low, I am extremely excited about baby, and now have the scan pics to cheer me up at least.

[Mummybookworm]

He doesn't have to come to the next scan does he? You have every right to refuse his presence.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Congratulations on being pregnant, I'm sorry your h has let you down. Don't let him rob you- this is your decision.

He sounds totally self absorbed and selfish and you have shown amazing strength to boot him out.

If you want this baby you can do it...it'll be hard and tough but you can do it. I hope you have good support around you who will support you and your dc in the future.

X

[mammadiggingdeep]

Oh sorry- just seen the date of the original op....

[mammadiggingdeep]

Why does he have to go to your next scan? Can't you take somebody who will share your excitement?

[anon81]

I'd love to take my friend instead, but he says he wants to be involved in his child's life. I have had to have occasional contact due to having to sort out finances etc. As he has said he wants to be involved I have tried to involve him as much as possible, as I think my child has a right to have a father if he is willing to be there, as much as it hurts me.

[Blondeorbrunette]

Op your husband is a cunt.

Regardless of whether or not he is sticking around he sees his child as an inconvenience. Something that will get in the way of his plans now that he had told you he doesn't live you.

I have no doubt that you will make a wonderful mother as your already putting your child first.

The best of luck to you and congratulations!! :)

[anon81]

Yer it was not nice hearing them comments and not helpful. He is often quite hurtful, and I am trying to change that before baby is born.