She knew he was married!!!

[Putitonthelist]

She knew his W was pregnant. That they had a young DD.

Her marriage had ended because her H had been unfaithful and left her with 2 young boys. WTF??

I know everyone says he's the married one and that's true, but how can you inflict such pain on someone else when you have been there yourself????

It's not unfeminist. If you have been in what you assumed to be a monogamous relationship and haven't bed. Using barrier contraception, and find out that your partner has in fact been sleeping with someone else then an std check us a good idea. Because you know nothing about that other person and are hardly in a position to enquire.

The same advice is regularly given to men who have found out their partner has been cheating.

Tbh if its a good relationship with a good person where you share values on fidelity, then youre likely to be safe.
If another person can tempt your spouse, then it was always going to happen at some point anyway.

Still, it is a shitty thing to knowingly try and entice someone to cheat, bad for your own soul and someone elses

Unashamed, you have a script too. Bitchy, money grabbing ex etc. It's as cliched and black and white as once a cheater.

im very much non-sympathetic where the cheating husband is concerned. he had that ring on his finger, he stood in that suit saying them vows, he should have kept to them. if things arent ideal, work on it. if its unworkable, divorce. shagging 2 women, deceiving their loved ones covertly- wrong. i think it says alot when a bloke needs to wait for another option before he has the balls to go it alone. to me, it screams 'i'm not man enough to look after myself'. but thats my opinion.

as for the ow, i couldve been in that situation. in the 4.5-5 years ive been single ive had a couple of married men come onto me, flirt or perv at me via facebook (classy). they were like dogs with bones. but ive never taken them up on it and never will, not even flirted back.

the latest one whos kids go to same school as mine, got a reply consisting of 'shut up you're married'. i ended up blocking him cos he kept on with the 'i wouldnt say no' shit. from what i see of him and his wife, their marriage is an absolute joke, just pretence. she just behaves stuck up, and hes a fat sweaty sack of shit. but saying that, its none of my business what happens in their marriage, if their marriage is screwed, leave it screwed its not a green light.

im not responsible for making him feel good nor do i want to be. i dont wana feel like the 'next best thing'. i dont wana be responsible for wrecking a family. i wana know that my man was mine to begin with.

its a mix of knowing what you deserve and knowing whats the right thing to do. i.e. if hes taken, back the fuck off. unfortunately its one of the assumptions some slimeballs make about us single women, that we are so lonely/sex-deprived, we 'must be up for it'

Well...unfortunately some single women are so lonely/desperate that their morals go out the window and they enter relationships with married men.

Op, I really hope your friend has good support and that she's being looked after. What she's going through is horrendous, being pregnant just adds to it. A hard time ahead but I genuinely hope she's ok xx

I expect unashamed is very much like her partner's ex was, years ago. And that unashamed will follow the same path. She'll not like the next woman thinking she's a bitter old vicious hag, but it will happen.

In the big4 firm where I worked you'd see men working their socks off to pay for their third identikit families. The men just got older but the ex-wives were always remarkably similar, just versions 1, 2, 3. I often wonder who're the biggest fools in these set-ups. When I'm not feeling desperately sorry for the kids.

Strange how the ex is quite often a horrible haridan. Still it's good for easing the conscience.

unashamed there is something incredibly defensive about the way you post. Are you really so happy, so OK about the whole situation? Do you really have no doubts? I don't know you, can't judge your body language, but based solely on what you write I'd say there is a whole can of worms in your head about this.

I don't think this is an appropriate thread for you to vent your spleen on do you? Perhaps you do, but if so I question your judgement.

Affairs HURT. Have some compassion. You got what you wanted - great stuff, but that doesn't absolve you from having a little empathy for the carnage you and your DH left behind.

Advice on STI checks is necessary, unless you buy into the (life-endangering) my that only the promiscuous ever catch or carry a disease. Unless the third party (of either sex) was a virgin before the affair, then STIs are possible.

Op personally in think both OW and the man are complete twats. End of.

theunashamedow you are either a lier which having had an affair we can guess you are, compulsively or you are trying to be clever but actually making yourself look like pretty poor. This is evidenced by your contradictory comment below compared to what you say on another thread. On here you say:

So that makes me, dp, ds and dss all much happier and exw left the proverbial scorned woman. So when it somes to happiness its a net gain.

Yet on the other thread you say:

His daughter no long speaks with him. His son has a better relationship buut we do not meet.

And

Also for me I actively don't want my dps kids to meet my children. Frankly they are hugely damaged not only by their dad leaving for ow but by their mums post split conflict driven behaviour.

So after 4 years how you go from having bitter twisted damaged as you say step children you don't want your kids to meet, to your dss telling you how much happier he is in a few weeks is unplausible .

Agree on the STI checks. No one is saying all OW are diseased harlots. The reality is if you have been in a monogamous relationship for years you will know that you are both in the clear, as any symptoms of anything will have come to light. A new partner brings the risk of relatively silent infections, such as chlamydia, which is left untreated can cause infertility in women. It would be naive to expose yourself to the risk of future infertility through an assumption that the OW was a 'nice' woman so bound to be fine.

Anyone, male or female, who is prepared to have unprepared sex with a new partner without first seeing a clean STI certificate is taking risks with their sexual health. Consequently they put everyone else at risk too.

Aaah.......there you go then. Thought it might have been a case of the lady doth protest too much.

STI checks are good advice actually.

With every new partner I expect both of us to get STI checks.

STI checks does not make the OW a whore or a slag or whatever the poster suggested.

I got an STI check as the OW of ex are an unknown entity to me, I have no idea of their sexual histroy and also if ex is cheating she may not have been the only sexual partner he had.

I'd rather an intial check up as apposed to finding myself with a full blown life limiting STD several years down the line. I owe to myself and my children actually.

Anyone who thinks STI checks are wrong is an idiot and playing with not only their own lives but those of their partners and their children.

theunashamedow

You sound very smug at having 'got one over' on his wife (exwife). You may not be, but your post screams it.

But you know what happens when a marries/runs off with his mistress don't you? It creates a vacancy.

Now, I do hope that that doesn't befall you, but if it does, I would hope, for you, that you can get support without some smug former mistress rubbing your nose in it, and typing what look likes blame, very thinly veiled.

I have a really hard time with shit like this. My dad cheated on my mum, and he's since remarried. My mum maintains his new wife was the other woman-I think she was one of them.

My mum always rants and raves about her and her immortality.

My uncle is now living with his former mistress. They used to be neighbours, he knew her as a kid, and she's the best friend of my mother (Soooo much to the story...)

Anyway, though he was never happy with my aunt and that was wholly apparent to everyone, just because his mistress is her best friend, their cheating was ok.

Double standard? Bullshit?

Just me apparently. ..

I'm not ignoring unashamed as her points are interesting to me.

putiton people are so dreadfully selfish in the first flush of love. I hope you can help her put one foot in front of the other until she gets strong enough to get by. When he calms down he'll look back and regret his timing but she may be grateful he is gone, in the long run.

My neighbours husband cheated on her with a variety of women. He eventually fell into the arms of a young woman who clearly believed his psycho ex bullshit. He left and set up home with new woman and they eventually set a wedding date.
On the night of the stag, I witnessed the neighbours husband loudly boasting of how he was going to " pull" that night to loud guffaws from his mates.
I felt sorry for the poor young woman, despite all her bleating about how they were meant to be, etc.
They now have a child and he's still shagging around. I give it 6 months before he finds another daft lassie and leaves his new wife.

My exsil was the same, laughing about the wife of the man she was shagging.

She used to make her ten year old dd at the time strip naked in the front garden infront of the married man after a day on the beach, so he got no sand in his home. I was told from other family, I had nothing to do with her due to her behaviour.

When married she used to say her exh had affairs, I think that her marriage broke up from her affairs not his at all.

I know from what exh used to say about her she was not your average person as a young woman to him when he was a boy/teen, he was ten years younger.

Her whole family were disgusted at her parenting ability. The Woman though of nobody but herself.

Scary thing is she is a principle of a college and involved at one stage in government policy making.

There is something in serious need of therapy in people who have affairs, be they the married one or not, there is something not right about them. Every cheat I have ever known has been a damaged person, damaged by upbrining or damaged by personality issues/lack of empathy for others/warped ideas. Cheats are best avoided in general, socially. They are lacking in empathy, they lie, they steel money from a family, they gaslight, enough said.

@AboutTimeForAChange. I concur (although I do believe in the one time cheat who met a he/she and realised that they had a strong connection and go about separating from the potentially cheated upon partner with as much dignity and class as can be shown can come out of a bad situation with at least the "scorned" person giving them some ratings).
Otherwise, all the cheats that I have known (from my father and my mother) are serial cheats who usually ALL have the same script ("I'm a victim"). Interesting that NotAshamedNow is very defensive and still regarding herself as the other woman ,when in fact she now has first Lady status. Too much protesting and not enough enjoying the love and preference from not only her partner, but his son to boot. Most of the other relationship threads on here pertaining to affairs and "other people" have at least one who can attest to the staying power of a relationship that started in an affair bubble. None I have ever read have been defensive as NotAshamedNow. I suppose that they are too busy being in a strong relationship, not needing to confuse love with competition for love.
All the serial cheats that I know and the women I know that always seem to have men friends that pour out all their relationship wows to them (emotional affairs) all seem to have a very low opinion of women who deign to express emotions openly, have their own uninvented persona and do not NEED a man to show them self worth. All the men who I know that are serial cheats tended to have a bevy of women in various stages of seduction and went with the one who said "how high" when he said "jump". Cocklodgers one and all, who within six months of setting up home in the new woman's home have been overtly ( in front of the part of his group of friends that haven't been introduced to the "in-home" woman, as his friends) cheating. Jeez, I even know men who have introduced ex fuck buddies ( still in the grip of lust) to recently acquired new girlfriends ( who they had affairs with) as cousins. The ex fuck buddies know that their role is to "nice up" the new woman (when she starts to have doubts about the veracity of the spiel that comes out of her swain's mouth) and this gaslighting behaviour and their role in it is compensation enough for not "being with" the man.
As for avoiding serial cheats socially, you may have a point there. Apart from their "charisma", I do not know one who has friends. They just have people who do things for them, without knowing it. Parasites one and all and masters of the grand, if very inconsistent gesture (which reels the waverers back in again). They treat their friends as they treat their children as they treat their partners. Secondary to themselves. Life, eh?

The ones who are bitter about the new bloke's ex wife still fear her and the ones who endorse this view of women who had it coming to them are bitter because their shag on the side wouldn't leave his supposed harridan, even though they've also never left the bloke who presumably also had it coming to him too.

That's all.

As for avoiding serial cheats socially, you may have a point there. Apart from their "charisma", I do not know one who has friends. They just have people who do things for them, without knowing it. Parasites one and all and masters of the grand, if very inconsistent gesture (which reels the waverers back in again). They treat their friends as they treat their children as they treat their partners. Secondary to themselves.

You are right, yes they do treat their friends as they do their partners/children.

I had a good friend who cheated on her lovely, lovely boyfriend of 7 years, lived together for 5. She wasn't into him anymore and she started to screw around, 3 different "fuck buddies" over the course if a few years. Do you know, I've never been able to see her in the same light. I now wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her and her company isn't as enjoyable any more because her character to me is tainted. If she can lie to a man she lives with and shares a life with....she'd certainly do the same to me.
Why you'd want to MARRY such a person and then feel smug about it is beyond me!

stooshe I think you are spot on there! My friend's H does have bags of charisma but I am hard pushed to think of any really good friends of his, just acquaintances. When I've spent time in his company he is generally moaning about someone and how he 'hates' him or 'hates' her. This is one thing I have picked up on, he does seem to 'hate' a lot of people!!

Interestingly enough he has painted himself as a victim in certain situations rather than concluding he has just had some bad luck.

My friend is totally crushed. I am crushed for her. She comes from a very big and very close family - just hoping one of her brothers doesn't lynch him - that's a lie

sorry Abouttime that was your point. Spot on.

I generally believe that in life we should try not to inflict pain on others unnecessarily and affairs cause huge amounts of unnecessary pain - to all parties eventually.