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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken. He's having an affair.

27 replies

RollerCola · 22/09/2013 10:19

I've posted a few times about splitting up with h in July but him not wanting to leave the house. He finally leaves tomorrow.

There's been lots of talk about us both being unhappy & wanting to do the best for kids. I'd agreed to split the house 50/50 & I was going to try & raise a massive £50k to buy him out & stay in the family home. We agreed to keep it out of the courts for cost reasons.

Today I've found out he's having an affair. I want to kill him, and then myself.

Help me please.

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 22/09/2013 10:23

How long has it been going on for?

Whilst he was depressed and unhappy before, we were still connected. My M went down the pan when he found his happy source OW and I got replaced. I just didn't know it yet. You will get through this Roller, but it really, really hurts to be replaced.

Go and see a solicitor. Do not agree to anything without legal advice.

Mindy9 · 22/09/2013 10:27

Yes roller you should def seek advice as you may be entitled to more or even all of the equity depending on what other assets/pensions your x has. It won't cost a bomb to get some legal advice - and it may save you heaps.
I am so sorry you have had this shock. Please speak to someone in real life if you are really feeling unable to cope.
Bottom line is he is a cheating dipstick and you are well rid.

Xales · 22/09/2013 10:29

When did he meet her? If you split in July and have made arrangements for him to move out then he is not having an affair if he has met her since.

The best thing for you is to let it go since it will only hurt you.

If he has been having the affair prior to when you split then he is a wanker and I would bet part of the reason for you being unhappy etc is down to this.

Again the best thing is for you to let it go for yourself now as you are rid of him. Plus get yourself to an STI clinic.

A 50/50 share is the standard starting point. If you are having the children then this needs to be considered. Not just agree with your ex. There is also pensions etc to consider. If you have not been working looking after the DC or the other way around. You really need to get proper legal advise it seems expensive however you could be walking away with far less than you are entitled.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2013 10:29

If it ended in July and has been miserable for a while you have to have at least considered the possibility that he'd find (or has already found) someone else? I'm sorry if it's come as a shock but the game has changed. Continuing to be under the same roof is no longer an option. Get him out, speed up the divorce process & use the courts if you have to.

Original poster
RollerCola · 22/09/2013 12:29

Thanks everyone. I'm in bits, I've been so strong since we agreed to separate but now I've fallen to pieces.

We were supposed to be making it all amicable and staying friends for the kids sakes. Yesterday I told him I didn't hate him. Today I've told him I hate every fucking bone in his body Hmm

I'm going to a solicitor tomorrow. I'm just worried because I earn more than him & he earns a pitiful wage on which he'll already struggle to live. He was going to give me back 10k of the house settlement as his share of maintenance - ie I'd just have to borrow even more just to keep it for the kids.

So I'm also going to ring the CSA tomorrow & see what they say. The kids are 11 & 6 and will stay with me. He's moving into a 1 bed flat as it's all he can afford.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2013 12:34

At least everyone's being more honest now and expressing some real emotions rather than some fake 'friend' arrangement. Anger is invigorating. Glad you're seeing a solicitor.

mammadiggingdeep · 22/09/2013 13:06

:( sorry to hear you've had another knock. Try to stay focused on why you were splitting and all the things you were looking forward to about your 'new life''. Stay focused, allow yourself to feel sad for a few days then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and STAY focused on getting on with your new life x

Original poster
RollerCola · 22/09/2013 14:07

Thanks, I don't know why I'm so upset really. I've been counting the days till he moves out so nothings changed really. It's been going on 'long enough' apparently, and he's had EAs before so I'm well shot of him.

Still a shock though, especially when he's just told me he knows he's been a shit father & a shit husband & doesn't know why he's done what he has.

I feel an idiot

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 22/09/2013 14:20

You're not an idiot, you know that.
Just keep thinking about all the reasons why this is the right thing for you (and your dc's). Come on girl...you can do this.

You are well shot but of course it's going to sting. You're on a roller coaster but grin and bear it and soon enough you'll be off, back on solid ground.

As I always say to myself....dig deep!! Onwards and upwards
Xx

skyeskyeskye · 22/09/2013 16:30

I agree that you need legal advice, as 50/50 is usually the starting point, so don't agree to anything without seeing a solicitor

Original poster
RollerCola · 22/09/2013 17:09

His mum's just been round to see us. I told her, and I facebooked the OW to say I knew. That was a bit stupid wasn't it? Hmm My friends are leaving texts & messages but I just can't physically speak. I'm trying to stay normal for the kids but I must look a state.

How can I snap out of this & get angry?

OP posts:
Original poster
RollerCola · 22/09/2013 18:51

The affair has been going on for ages apparently, although it seems to have been long distance as she's 300 miles away. It might not even have been physical (I've not given him chance to say) but the messages I've read are enough.

And even though he's moving out tomorrow he STILL has the nerve to want to stay here tonight.

He said he hopes we can both just be happy but seems to have absolutely no idea why he's so unhappy to start with. What a mess.

OP posts:
piratecat · 22/09/2013 18:56

did it start before you decided to split

Original poster
RollerCola · 22/09/2013 19:15

Yes.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 22/09/2013 19:30

Does knowing this answer some questions for you now?

Original poster
RollerCola · 22/09/2013 19:37

Kind of, but things haven't been right for years. I suppose I shouldn't really be so upset, I'd already resigned myself to the fact that our marriage was over. It just hurts a lot.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 22/09/2013 20:28

Of course it does. You'd got your head round it ending but it would still hurt that he had lied to you. I know it's so easy to say on the outside but try not to let this undo the good work you'd done on yourself. Try to see it in a positive light if st all possible- it just confirms that it wasn't salvageable etc etc. I know that's not helpful now.

Original poster
RollerCola · 22/09/2013 21:31

In a way it is helpful because it means I can finally accept that we'll never get back together. I think something in the back of my mind wanted to hope that after a while being without me he might think he'd made a terrible mistake & realise he missed me etc.

At least it's brought me back to earth & opened my eyes to the harsh reality that he doesn't actually give a flying fuck about me. And even if he does change his mind in 6 mths I would never now have him back.

I'm glad I found out. It also means I can stop spending any more time worrying about how he'll manage. I don't care any more.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2013 06:28

"He said he hopes we can both just be happy"

To be fair, you have been going along with the 'staying friends' approach and, if you've been hoping (even slightly) he might change his mind, you actually weren't as resigned as you think. He must have thought he was living a charmed life up to this point... he ends it and there you are still being friendly and pleasant etc. It does hurt to find out you've been treated like a mug.

Hope you chucked him out straight away and are OK today

mammadiggingdeep · 23/09/2013 08:07

Hope you're ok this morning x

Original poster
RollerCola · 23/09/2013 08:32

He's finally gone Hmm. After 23 yrs, and I could barely look him in the eye. He just keeps saying 'I didn't mean any of this' I think he wanted to hug me as he went but I backed away.

I've taken the week off work sick as I can't function. Just got to get the kids to school then I can fall apart properly.

Then I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself down & start a new life. Smile Thanks for your support. It means a lot, it really does.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2013 08:36

Look after yourself. There's no good way for these things to end and he sounds like one of those pathetic 'don't be cross with ickle old me' types (toes curling) that want everyone to love them, even when they are crapping on them from a great height. FWIW you might find the routine and concentration of work is beneficial. Sitting at home watching daytime TV ... would bring anyone low.

Original poster
RollerCola · 26/09/2013 08:14

Thanks for your replies. I've spent exactly 2 days on the floor in a crumpled heap, and now I've jumped up & sprung into action. I refuse to spend another minute crying over him.

Have been to solicitor and taken his advice on a much better financial split. Told h & he just agreed. Then went to see a financial advisor to sort out finances. All fine, I can do this.

Thanks for your support, I'm feeling much calmer & even happy Smile It's a relief not to see his face every day.

OP posts:
piratecat · 26/09/2013 08:26

hiya. mumsnet is great for being there in a lapse. you are right its good you know as it sets bits free.
you just have to deal with these shocks and lo and behold you get up again.
positive steps. x

Original poster
RollerCola · 26/09/2013 09:16

Thanks pirate, I felt quite strong & in control but when I found this out... Bam it knocked me right off my feet. It's feels good just knowing that I feel ok again iykwim.

It's hard telling people about it irl though. I think I've built a hard shell around me & I only tell people we've separated when I've got my emotions under control, but then they get upset Hmm. It's hard to watch.

OP posts: