Emotional affairs. How does the ow behave?

[Ilovebreakfast]

Out of interest, those ladies whose dh have had emotional affairs with colleagues at work. Before you found out, did you ever meet the ow? If so how did she behave around you? Was she over friendly, or ignore you? Did your dh distance himself from her and become attentive towards you? Interested to know.

[impatienttobemummy]

My DH tells me when guys at work fancy the new girl. He never says they are 'not his type' if someone's attractive he won't play that down iykwim. He doesn't talk about them often either. I'd expect a close colleague of DHs at work to make the effort with me especially if I'd just had a baby as its the perfect opener and it's polite. Sounds suspicious, I'd definitely get my hands on that work phone to put my mind at rest

[tessa6]

But why would she ignore you and him? What's that got to do with the new baby? I'm not saying anything is going on but make the explanation fit the facts. Yes, she's pretty but not my type is a general polite catch all from anyone to mean yes she's attractive but I don't want to upset you.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Why the hell is he telling you she isn't his type?

To throw you off the scent probably.

[akaWisey]

The emotional affair OW in my marriage was a work colleague of exh. She used to phone him constantly, even as he was walking in the front door having just got home from work. She turned up at our house once having 'forgotten' to collect her car from the garage and she 'needed' to stay the night because she couldn't get home.

She refused to let me join her and ex for a goodbye meal when she left her job - she wanted to say good bye and I'd have spoiled it. She told a mutual colleague that they had an 'intimacy' that she valued. She tried to become very friendly with DD.

Ex loved all the attention, especially the bits where she was telling him all her relationships disasters and he became her confidante. But then he was a twat, like she was. And of course there was nothing going on - she was like a sister to him, he didn't feel that way about her at all. Yeah, right.

[Ilovebreakfast]

I asked him. He said yes she was pretty but he didn't think if her like that. He was a little defensive, but did say he enjoyed working with her and they chat but just about weekend stuff etc nothing too personal. I do believe him, but then I had no evidence.
I said I was going to bed, he followed me up but is now back downstairs in the toilet and he's in FB chat as the green button is on .
Think I'm paranoid now.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

They chat about "weekend stuff" for 40 minutes every day?

[AnyFucker]

FB chatting in the toilet ?

[Ilovebreakfast]

Yeah I know af, but I have no evidence at all. Just a few little indications that could add up to something or nothing.
I really don't want to lay all my cards on the table as it will just mean he won't mention her and be careful if something is going on.
He does go on FB chat I think sometimes. Chat to friends etc. it's so easy to confuse paranoia with facts.

[deepfriedsage]

I would just leave them to it, kick him out or leave him. Why would anyone want to be married to a liar who could give you a STI.

[Numberlock]

I'd be getting my hands on his work phone to see what's going on whilst making my exit plan at the same time, before confronting him.

[LondonNinja]

Er, he is chatting to someone while in the toilet??

Um...

[LondonNinja]

He's probably on guard now, tbh (if anything is going on).

If DH asked me what a colleague of mine was like, I'd describe his assets as a worker and his personality, not really even go into him being 'my type' etc. It really is irrelevant. Or should be.

[deepfriedsage]

I would not even give them the satisfaction of a confrontation, it will eat him up if you pack his stuff leave it outside and bolt the doors or if you leave with your possessions. He can't have it all. Hope she was worth it to him.

[deepfriedsage]

Pull the rug out from under him and ignore him, his friends and family for one calendar month.

[forumdonkey]

get a grip! LTB just cuz he's scrolling through FB on the bog? The green button doesn't mean you're on chat (well not on my phone) its showing you as being on fb. Suppose have a look at your fb is the 21st century equivalent of taking a news paper.

[flippingebay]

I didn't know her and my DH never spoke about her, I didn't know she existed. However afterwards I did fun out that my DH had shown his make friends a photo of her and said stuff like 'check out the new girl at work' etc

[OrmirianResurgam]

She was very friendly to me before the EA. But I am a very open talkative person so I guess she just responded to that. I really liked her. She came to H's birthday party with her kids (who caused havoc!). Once the EA started I didn't really see her apart from when I popped over to her house to lend her something she had asked to borrow, and when she came to our house when I was out to bring it back. I asked her in and gave her coffee and she grilled me about the kids and H (didn't seem all that odd at the time but with hindsight....) At H's 50th a few weeks later she did avoid me a little but she was in a fluster about leaving her H so I didn't think much of it. I gave her a hug and offered her a bed for the night

A few weeks later dday happened and I have seen her only once since then (hurrying past with a face as red as beetroot!)

[OrmirianResurgam]

H's behaviour was more striking TBH. He talked about her a lot, as well as the other people he worked with ....until Jan when he stopped for the most part. That was when the EA started in earnest.

[neverendingjoy]

I don't think it's anything to worry about. He probably only said the thing about her not being his type and got defensive because you were probing about how pretty she was and he knew he can't say the right thing in that situation.

And when you saw her and she ignored you, don't jump to conclusions, it could be many things, maybe she was just in a bad mood/ not feeling well/ was feeling shy or awkward/ was busy etc. And with the facebook thing, maybe she's just one of those people who 'likes' loads of pictures on everyone's profile. If his behaviour is otherwise normal and you are happy together don't worry.

[Nagoo]

I wouldn't be getting to het up about FBing in the bathroom. I Fb anywhere.

[FrancescaBell]

Well I think you're right to be concerned. This has never happened in my personal relationship, but I've seen more work friendships morph into messy affairs than I've had hot dinners and it's far more common than a lot of people seem to think. These weren't involving people who were in bad home relationships either. It was just the combination of working closely together, spending more time than partners get a chance to and what I'd describe as bad boundaries.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you saying to him that you're feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment and that you're aware how easy it is for people to get too close to eachother at work. This isn't accusatory, it's just being pragmatic and realistic. The same would apply to you if you were at work forming a friendship with a new starter who lots of other female colleagues found attractive. I've seen men who regarded it as a particular feather in their caps to 'pull' the woman everyone else was lusting after so I'm afraid that some of what your husband is saying worries me. Fact is, people often have affairs with people who 'aren't their type' so that phrase is meaningless.

I think we've got to get real about stuff like this. It happens all the time and it happens just as much in good relationships as it does in bad ones. But there's such a pressure on people to avoid coming across as jealous, paranoid or controlling that IME, they ignore their instincts, keep quiet and suffer in silence. If we were a bit more pragmatic about it all and acknowledged that good people sometimes do stupid things, wouldn't it make people's lives a bit easier and more realistic?

[SarahBumBarer]

Did the FB light go on when he went in to the toilet or is it possible that he just happened to be logged in - I often leave FB just logged in (hoping for the best).

[Ilovebreakfast]

Thanks for your comments. At the moment I don't think anything untoward is happening. Yes he spends all day with her and she is single and looking but that doesn't mean anything is going on.
I do think the ignoring thing could be explained as we didn't cross paths and so maybe the opportunity didn't arise. They may or may not fancy each other, but you are absolutely right francescabell, work is rife with people overstepping boundaries and things can spiral.
He may have been chatting on FB, but the green light pops up whether he is chatting or not. Some alarm bells but I will keep a tab on it and I think mentioning it is perhaps a reminder to us both of boundaries and behaviour.
The irony being if she wasn't attractive I wouldn't have given it a thought, which is wrong but true.

[FrancescaBell]

Do you mean what you'v already said is enough or do you intend having another chat about it? I don't think the brief chat you've had will suffice at all.

I know what you mean about being particularly sparked up about this because of her attractiveness, but oh what a red herring that sometimes turns out to be. I've seen people with stunning spouses have affairs with people much less conventionally attractive and the only common denominator was because the person was.....there and willing.

[Snugglepiggy]

Wise post Francesca.And I wish I'd trusted my gut instincts more after the first and only time I met OW prior to discovering just how often she met up with my DH ,loved him and the sexual acts she'd like to perform on him.Would have saved a lot of hurt and heartache.
We bumped into her out socially and she approached DH form behind and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and was gushingly friendly to me ,all the time keeping a hand on his shoulder.As at the time I thought she was nothing more than someone he only saw occasionally,and her over familiarity seemed odd.I remember commenting later that she was younger and not at all how I'd expected given some negative comments he had made about her personality.After that he never mentioned her again.But freely chatted about other women at work I assumed he saw a lot more of.Clever eh?!