Emotional affairs. How does the ow behave?

[Ilovebreakfast]

Out of interest, those ladies whose dh have had emotional affairs with colleagues at work. Before you found out, did you ever meet the ow? If so how did she behave around you? Was she over friendly, or ignore you? Did your dh distance himself from her and become attentive towards you? Interested to know.

[FrancescaBell]

You're very wise then to still have that chat.

The power really shifts when you're stuck at home with a baby and you're spot on to want to protect your relationship. The aim is for him to do that too, though. The way he can protect it is to know the boundaries he won't cross as that way lies madness and chaos, even if it starts off all exciting and enjoyable.

[Ilovebreakfast]

I can have the chat with him. We did touch on it last night. I think he is aware of the boundaries. Although I still feel crap thinking he is spending 10 hours a day with a single girl he thinks is pretty and probably likes him back. When I'm at home changing crappy nappies and he walks in to me harassed and tired.
Partly my insecurity, partly him having escapism at work. Just want to protect my relationship. We are happily married. He loves me. But I think he would also enjoy the attention.

[FrancescaBell]

No.

It's the sort of conversation that needs to be had in every relationship, ideally before a worry like this raises its head, when it only applies currently to one of them. It doesn't need perpetually re-visiting either.

It's more of a 'lets be realistic and discuss what we'll do if we find someone attractive and start getting close to them' conversation than a life of constant monitoring and surveillance, which would be awful.

When people have affairs, it usually turns out that they never had that chat with their partners and therefore didn't really see the warning signs till it was too late. No-one who has that chat with a partner can then go on to have an affair and say 'Who Knew?' can they?

[neverendingjoy]

So every time that OP's dh has a new attractive work colleague she should start worrying and having discussions about it? What kind of a life is that? What about trust? What about in 5/10/20 years time when she is busy with other things? Is he then going to get carried away by some ow's attention just because OP has taken her eye off the ball?

[FrancescaBell]

Sorry, but I think there's much more you can (and should) do.

It's not just men who like ego strokes. We all do!

Unfortunately people still have affairs even though they love the people at home. They think things won't get out of hand, that they won't get caught, that they can separate the two things. Happens all the time.

Paranoia is when a fear is baseless and not grounded in reality. Gut instinct is often more rational and based in realism. You are not paranoid, because the reality is affairs happen in workplaces all the time even when the people don't want to lose their loved ones and you know there's someone he enjoys working with who he describes as attractive. I'd describe your feelings as pragmatic and realistic.

Can you tell me why you're shying away from the conversation I suggested?

[neverendingjoy]

I really think it's easy to confuse the 2. I have thought I had gut instinct about things like this before but later realised it was more just my insecurity at that time. It's especially easy to feel like you do when you are home with the baby. Also I have worked with guys before who I might find attractive and enjoy getting attention from but there is no way I would cross the line to anything more than a harmless chat and risk ruining my whole marriage/ family life for it. If your dh would do that then nothing you can say or do can prevent it, he is just not a good person.

[Ilovebreakfast]

What's the difference between gut instinct and paranoia?
Perhaps he does fancy her but itching has happened. I know he loves me and dc an awful lot to risk it all.

[Ilovebreakfast]

I think a lot of men like having there who stroked. But it's when they cross boundaries to continue receiving the attention.
He did say yes she was pretty as I asked if he liked her, but he didn't think of her in that way, but enjoyed working with a female for a change. He appeared honest. I suppose now he knows I raised it, he will be aware. Not much more I can do. Perhaps the insecurity us with me post baby at home doing mom things whilst he is working closely with a pretty colleague who is looking for a relationship. Doesn't mean anything could happen, but it does all the time.
Jealousy and insecurity is rubbish.

[Snugglepiggy]

Wise post Francesca.And I wish I'd trusted my gut instincts more after the first and only time I met OW prior to discovering just how often she met up with my DH ,loved him and the sexual acts she'd like to perform on him.Would have saved a lot of hurt and heartache.
We bumped into her out socially and she approached DH form behind and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and was gushingly friendly to me ,all the time keeping a hand on his shoulder.As at the time I thought she was nothing more than someone he only saw occasionally,and her over familiarity seemed odd.I remember commenting later that she was younger and not at all how I'd expected given some negative comments he had made about her personality.After that he never mentioned her again.But freely chatted about other women at work I assumed he saw a lot more of.Clever eh?!

[FrancescaBell]

Do you mean what you'v already said is enough or do you intend having another chat about it? I don't think the brief chat you've had will suffice at all.

I know what you mean about being particularly sparked up about this because of her attractiveness, but oh what a red herring that sometimes turns out to be. I've seen people with stunning spouses have affairs with people much less conventionally attractive and the only common denominator was because the person was.....there and willing.

[Ilovebreakfast]

Thanks for your comments. At the moment I don't think anything untoward is happening. Yes he spends all day with her and she is single and looking but that doesn't mean anything is going on.
I do think the ignoring thing could be explained as we didn't cross paths and so maybe the opportunity didn't arise. They may or may not fancy each other, but you are absolutely right francescabell, work is rife with people overstepping boundaries and things can spiral.
He may have been chatting on FB, but the green light pops up whether he is chatting or not. Some alarm bells but I will keep a tab on it and I think mentioning it is perhaps a reminder to us both of boundaries and behaviour.
The irony being if she wasn't attractive I wouldn't have given it a thought, which is wrong but true.

[SarahBumBarer]

Did the FB light go on when he went in to the toilet or is it possible that he just happened to be logged in - I often leave FB just logged in (hoping for the best).

[FrancescaBell]

Well I think you're right to be concerned. This has never happened in my personal relationship, but I've seen more work friendships morph into messy affairs than I've had hot dinners and it's far more common than a lot of people seem to think. These weren't involving people who were in bad home relationships either. It was just the combination of working closely together, spending more time than partners get a chance to and what I'd describe as bad boundaries.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you saying to him that you're feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment and that you're aware how easy it is for people to get too close to eachother at work. This isn't accusatory, it's just being pragmatic and realistic. The same would apply to you if you were at work forming a friendship with a new starter who lots of other female colleagues found attractive. I've seen men who regarded it as a particular feather in their caps to 'pull' the woman everyone else was lusting after so I'm afraid that some of what your husband is saying worries me. Fact is, people often have affairs with people who 'aren't their type' so that phrase is meaningless.

I think we've got to get real about stuff like this. It happens all the time and it happens just as much in good relationships as it does in bad ones. But there's such a pressure on people to avoid coming across as jealous, paranoid or controlling that IME, they ignore their instincts, keep quiet and suffer in silence. If we were a bit more pragmatic about it all and acknowledged that good people sometimes do stupid things, wouldn't it make people's lives a bit easier and more realistic?

[Nagoo]

I wouldn't be getting to het up about FBing in the bathroom. I Fb anywhere.

[neverendingjoy]

I don't think it's anything to worry about. He probably only said the thing about her not being his type and got defensive because you were probing about how pretty she was and he knew he can't say the right thing in that situation.

And when you saw her and she ignored you, don't jump to conclusions, it could be many things, maybe she was just in a bad mood/ not feeling well/ was feeling shy or awkward/ was busy etc. And with the facebook thing, maybe she's just one of those people who 'likes' loads of pictures on everyone's profile. If his behaviour is otherwise normal and you are happy together don't worry.

[OrmirianResurgam]

H's behaviour was more striking TBH. He talked about her a lot, as well as the other people he worked with ....until Jan when he stopped for the most part. That was when the EA started in earnest.

[OrmirianResurgam]

She was very friendly to me before the EA. But I am a very open talkative person so I guess she just responded to that. I really liked her. She came to H's birthday party with her kids (who caused havoc!). Once the EA started I didn't really see her apart from when I popped over to her house to lend her something she had asked to borrow, and when she came to our house when I was out to bring it back. I asked her in and gave her coffee and she grilled me about the kids and H (didn't seem all that odd at the time but with hindsight....) At H's 50th a few weeks later she did avoid me a little but she was in a fluster about leaving her H so I didn't think much of it. I gave her a hug and offered her a bed for the night

A few weeks later dday happened and I have seen her only once since then (hurrying past with a face as red as beetroot!)

[flippingebay]

I didn't know her and my DH never spoke about her, I didn't know she existed. However afterwards I did fun out that my DH had shown his make friends a photo of her and said stuff like 'check out the new girl at work' etc

[forumdonkey]

get a grip! LTB just cuz he's scrolling through FB on the bog? The green button doesn't mean you're on chat (well not on my phone) its showing you as being on fb. Suppose have a look at your fb is the 21st century equivalent of taking a news paper.

[deepfriedsage]

Pull the rug out from under him and ignore him, his friends and family for one calendar month.

[deepfriedsage]

I would not even give them the satisfaction of a confrontation, it will eat him up if you pack his stuff leave it outside and bolt the doors or if you leave with your possessions. He can't have it all. Hope she was worth it to him.

[LondonNinja]

He's probably on guard now, tbh (if anything is going on).

If DH asked me what a colleague of mine was like, I'd describe his assets as a worker and his personality, not really even go into him being 'my type' etc. It really is irrelevant. Or should be.

[LondonNinja]

Er, he is chatting to someone while in the toilet??

Um...

[Numberlock]

I'd be getting my hands on his work phone to see what's going on whilst making my exit plan at the same time, before confronting him.

[deepfriedsage]

I would just leave them to it, kick him out or leave him. Why would anyone want to be married to a liar who could give you a STI.