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Relationships

Emotional affairs. How does the ow behave?

58 replies

Ilovebreakfast · 19/09/2013 12:46

Out of interest, those ladies whose dh have had emotional affairs with colleagues at work. Before you found out, did you ever meet the ow? If so how did she behave around you? Was she over friendly, or ignore you? Did your dh distance himself from her and become attentive towards you? Interested to know.

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Ilovebreakfast · 20/09/2013 14:28

I think a lot of men like having there who stroked. But it's when they cross boundaries to continue receiving the attention.
He did say yes she was pretty as I asked if he liked her, but he didn't think of her in that way, but enjoyed working with a female for a change. He appeared honest. I suppose now he knows I raised it, he will be aware. Not much more I can do. Perhaps the insecurity us with me post baby at home doing mom things whilst he is working closely with a pretty colleague who is looking for a relationship. Doesn't mean anything could happen, but it does all the time.
Jealousy and insecurity is rubbish.

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Ilovebreakfast · 20/09/2013 14:30

What's the difference between gut instinct and paranoia?
Perhaps he does fancy her but itching has happened. I know he loves me and dc an awful lot to risk it all.

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neverendingjoy · 20/09/2013 14:48

I really think it's easy to confuse the 2. I have thought I had gut instinct about things like this before but later realised it was more just my insecurity at that time. It's especially easy to feel like you do when you are home with the baby. Also I have worked with guys before who I might find attractive and enjoy getting attention from but there is no way I would cross the line to anything more than a harmless chat and risk ruining my whole marriage/ family life for it. If your dh would do that then nothing you can say or do can prevent it, he is just not a good person.

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FrancescaBell · 20/09/2013 14:49

Sorry, but I think there's much more you can (and should) do.

It's not just men who like ego strokes. We all do!

Unfortunately people still have affairs even though they love the people at home. They think things won't get out of hand, that they won't get caught, that they can separate the two things. Happens all the time.

Paranoia is when a fear is baseless and not grounded in reality. Gut instinct is often more rational and based in realism. You are not paranoid, because the reality is affairs happen in workplaces all the time even when the people don't want to lose their loved ones and you know there's someone he enjoys working with who he describes as attractive. I'd describe your feelings as pragmatic and realistic.

Can you tell me why you're shying away from the conversation I suggested?

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neverendingjoy · 20/09/2013 14:56

So every time that OP's dh has a new attractive work colleague she should start worrying and having discussions about it? What kind of a life is that? What about trust? What about in 5/10/20 years time when she is busy with other things? Is he then going to get carried away by some ow's attention just because OP has taken her eye off the ball?

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FrancescaBell · 20/09/2013 15:15

No.

It's the sort of conversation that needs to be had in every relationship, ideally before a worry like this raises its head, when it only applies currently to one of them. It doesn't need perpetually re-visiting either.

It's more of a 'lets be realistic and discuss what we'll do if we find someone attractive and start getting close to them' conversation than a life of constant monitoring and surveillance, which would be awful.

When people have affairs, it usually turns out that they never had that chat with their partners and therefore didn't really see the warning signs till it was too late. No-one who has that chat with a partner can then go on to have an affair and say 'Who Knew?' can they?

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Ilovebreakfast · 20/09/2013 15:28

I can have the chat with him. We did touch on it last night. I think he is aware of the boundaries. Although I still feel crap thinking he is spending 10 hours a day with a single girl he thinks is pretty and probably likes him back. When I'm at home changing crappy nappies and he walks in to me harassed and tired.
Partly my insecurity, partly him having escapism at work. Just want to protect my relationship. We are happily married. He loves me. But I think he would also enjoy the attention.

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FrancescaBell · 20/09/2013 15:37

You're very wise then to still have that chat.

The power really shifts when you're stuck at home with a baby and you're spot on to want to protect your relationship. The aim is for him to do that too, though. The way he can protect it is to know the boundaries he won't cross as that way lies madness and chaos, even if it starts off all exciting and enjoyable.