Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to believe this is innocent but am not sure it is

53 replies

addtowishlist · 19/09/2013 00:38

Tonight I borrowed DHs phone to make a call and saw the number of a female colleague in his history a lot - checked back as far as I could and he's pretty much been speaking to her for up to 40 minutes at a time almost every day. He commutes on the train and that's when these calls are. I asked him about it and he says it's just catching up and they mainly talk about work but I can't believe it's really necessary for them to speak this much. He has calls to other colleagues but they're 3, 5, 10 minutes - not 30 or 40.

I don't know much about her but know she is married too.

Is it normal to speak to someone as much as that? I don't know if I'm being silly to be annoyed but some days he must spend longer talking to her than he does to me.

OP posts:
Blondeorbrunette · 19/09/2013 00:43

Does he work closely with her?

Are they based in the same office?

I cant imagine someone would whisper sweet nothings on at packed train.

drawohamme · 19/09/2013 00:43

I had this a few years ago with my DH and got myself very wound up. Then I met her and saw them interacting. I realised there was nothing to worry about and was really glad I hadn't made more of it. If you really can't think of anything else that is making you suspicious I'd try and trust him Smile

Original poster
addtowishlist · 19/09/2013 00:50

I thought so too blonde and said surely everyone gets annoyed with you talking half the journey and he says if it's busy he goes and stands in the exit bit. For 40 minutes, when he could be sitting down.

They are in the same team but it's a large team so he doesn't work that closely with her, he sees her most days.

OP posts:
Blondeorbrunette · 19/09/2013 00:53

Does he have a code on his phone?

Original poster
addtowishlist · 19/09/2013 00:57

No and he leaves it lying around but I wouldn't have looked at it if I hadn't have needed to use it and he knows that. I checked for text messages and there wasn't a single one to her

OP posts:
Blondeorbrunette · 19/09/2013 01:03

Its looking pretty innocent from here.

You can use his phone, no lock, he leaves it lying around and he didnt get defensive when you asked him.

Has he left his phone lying around since you pulled him up?

Original poster
addtowishlist · 19/09/2013 01:11

Yes

That's what I want to think and he hasn't given me any other reason to suspect but it's just the amount of time that surprised me - he doesn't even solidly chat to me for 40 minutes every day or call him Mum or best friend more than once a week or once a fortnight yet is calling her almost everyday

OP posts:
drstrangelove · 19/09/2013 02:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

DistanceCall · 19/09/2013 05:06

He probably gets along well with her and enjoys talking to her. Doesn't mean he's having an affair.

TheFallenNinja · 19/09/2013 05:26

In the absence of anything else he just seems to be using dead time productively.

ImperialBlether · 19/09/2013 06:52

I can't believe the responses here! I would be bloody furious if my husband was doing this.

Diagonally · 19/09/2013 07:21

The lack of texts is irrelevant - contact via work email, work IM, chat apps, Facebook, are all a possibility if there is something going on.

This would be ringing an alarm bell with me. I wouldn't chat daily to anyone other than a partner.

The frequency suggests they have a long standing arrangement and expectation to do this every day.

flyingwidow · 19/09/2013 07:29

I wouldn't like this I have to admit. I'd instantly think it was the beginning of an emotional affair.

elizadofuckall · 19/09/2013 07:38

Does he need to discuss work with her before they get into work in order to sort the day ahead? If yes, then that is probably the best time of day to do it as its 'dead time'.

If not, then it is highly inappropriate and you need to ask why he is doing it.

Does he call her on the weekend?

bluestar2 · 19/09/2013 07:40

Sorry I wouldn't be happy. What does he need to talk to her abt regards work for for 40 min that he doesn't need to talk to everyone else about? And everyday? I would suggest they want some form of privacy to their conversation outside of work. It doesn't necessarily mean affair though they could just as easily be having a moan abt other colleagues. Does he have any work issues? Still think daily 40 min chats isn't ok though. Sorry.

bluestar2 · 19/09/2013 07:41

Argh ! Posted to soon!

BitOutOfPractice · 19/09/2013 08:32

I have an ex colleague (now a friend) who I chat to most days. It so happens he's a man. We chat about work, kids, what we're doing at the weekend, football, all sorts. Sometimes it's 5 minutes. Sometimes an hour if we are both driving. We text often too. I absolutely love him but not in a romantic way. Never have. Never will. My bf knows all about him. Has no problem with it.

Maybe they've just got into the habit.

I am pretty jaded about men in general but i think that if there's nothing else to ring alarm bells, I'd assume it was innocent

PoppyAmex · 19/09/2013 08:41

Is there anything happening at work - big project/big account pending/politics/redundancies?

I think that when a big change is happening at work people tend to speak a lot more, especially after business hours. Could that be it?

IslaMann · 19/09/2013 08:51

drstrangelove, I have reported your post as inappropriate to this thread. If you want a discussion or support on your point, start your own thread.

OP, nothing concrete yet, so my advice would be to sit, wait, and see if anything else occurs. Men and women can be just friends, and he has been open with you since you found the call log. But alarm bells would be ringing that he didn't volunteer info before you found out. Surely if someone doesn't tell their spouse/partner something because they wouldnt like it, then maybe they shouldn't be doing it?

lilolilmanchester · 19/09/2013 08:59

Depends on the nature of his job. I spend most of my working day talking to colleagues, mostly men because of the nature of our business, often on the phone, and calls are regularly 30 mins +.
I am definitely not having affairs with any of them, and I don't report back to my husband each evening who I've spoken to (re the "But alarm bells would be ringing that he didn't volunteer info before you found out. ").

Obviously depends on the situation, but none of the thousands of people in the industry I work in would would find what you report odd at all.

MacNCheese · 19/09/2013 09:09

Lots of men and women have close friendships but...

  • Why didn't he mention the calls to you?
  • If they doesn't work that closely with her it's not 40 mins of work talk.
  • Why don't they text, if they are that close they talk everyday?
  • Do they meet up?
  • does he go on a lot of work nights out?

Could be innocent : could be up to something. You need to have a really frank conversation with him.
IMO it would not be ok for my partner to do this.

Dahlen · 19/09/2013 09:15

I can't imagine speaking to anyone for that length of time on a daily basis, ever, so I'm possibly not the best person to comment on this.

Given his lack of defensiveness and security on his phone, it probably is innocent (unless he's a very good 'player'), but I can see why you're a bit Hmm about the length of contact. I would be too. It all depends on what they talk about.

Even if the colleague were male I would worry that such a close level of communication could be a threat to our relationship because if the conversation becomes personal, having someone else who you confide in can sometimes be to the detriment of the marriage. IT is how emotional affairs start, and the effect of one can apply even if there is no sexual element.

Most people have friends with whom they chat about deeply personal affairs and confide things that they sometimes don't share with their partners. That's normal and healthy. It's when that friendship takes away something from the relationship rather than being something in addition to it that problems arise.

Nothing in your OP would lead to automatically think "affair", but it would prompt me to have a discussion about our relationship and the risk of EAs so that I felt my DH was aware of the risks and not sleepwalking into disaster. I would be careful to approach it in the abstract and from a POV of wanting reassurance, rather than an accusatory way though.

Amrapaali · 19/09/2013 09:17

Ok he makes these calls while on the train. That itself makes me think its all innocent.

I mean, who whispers sweet nothings to a woman surrounded by strangers on a train? Mortifying...

If he is actually discussing work for upto 40minutes on the commute, I feel for his fellow passengers Grin

Sorry, didn't mean to be facetious...

Ilovebreakfast · 19/09/2013 09:18

It's a bit odd that they talk every day for 40 mins on the way to work. That is an awful lot of conversation given they don't work too closely together.

Have you met her what is she like?

Ilovebreakfast · 19/09/2013 09:19

I'd be thinking if they talk that much on the phone, how much do they talk at work too?

Swipe left for the next trending thread