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Original poster

I want to believe this is innocent but am not sure it is

53 replies

addtowishlist · 19/09/2013 00:38

Tonight I borrowed DHs phone to make a call and saw the number of a female colleague in his history a lot - checked back as far as I could and he's pretty much been speaking to her for up to 40 minutes at a time almost every day. He commutes on the train and that's when these calls are. I asked him about it and he says it's just catching up and they mainly talk about work but I can't believe it's really necessary for them to speak this much. He has calls to other colleagues but they're 3, 5, 10 minutes - not 30 or 40.

I don't know much about her but know she is married too.

Is it normal to speak to someone as much as that? I don't know if I'm being silly to be annoyed but some days he must spend longer talking to her than he does to me.

OP posts:
millymolls · 19/09/2013 09:27

i speak to a male colleague of mine each and every day at the same time every day. its at 8.30 in the morning on the way to work and we talk for 30-60 mins every day. Its scheduled into our diaries.
Do i tell my DH? no - its work why would i? I dont expect him to tell me who he's talking to at work. If he asked me would i tell him? yes of course.
We chat mostly about work, but also a little about the news/life's events, what kids are up to at school, nothing major. Is it an EA? no.
Only difference i see is we dont actually work in the same office all the time so we see each other a couple of times a month.
Dont know what work environment your DH works in, but mine is office based and more and more people work form home/remotely a lot of the time - hence more time is spent talking to these people on the phone each day.
Based on what you have said i dont see alarm bells, but that is me personally.

CoffeeAndScones · 19/09/2013 09:31

I want to know what phone network your DH uses, that can hold a signal for forty minutes on a moving train?? I get five tops before the damn thing cuts out or we go through a tunnel.

But seriously, I can see how this could be a problem but also I could see how it is totally innocent. I guess we know nothing else about your DH or your history, which might help frame it.

CoffeeAndScones · 19/09/2013 09:31

*could be totally innocent

hashtagwhatever · 19/09/2013 09:33

I could easily speak to my male best friend for longer than 40 minutes. we are both gas bags. a conversation would cover all topics from what was on the news to whats for dinner.

given you have no other suspicion I wouldn't worry that they are anything other than friends. no lock on phone and all calls still on the log doesn't look like dh is trying to hide anything.

ThreeTomatoes · 19/09/2013 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happystory · 19/09/2013 10:00

IMHO men don't really do chatting on the phone. So unless it's actually about work (in which case he is devoting far too much time to work when he's not even there) I think it's at least a flirtation, or the beginning of something in one direction or another...

invicta · 19/09/2013 10:07

I would be concerned. It may be totally innocent, a habit they have got into to pass the train journey, but there certainly sounds like some degree of relationship there.

CharlieB30 · 19/09/2013 12:31

I would be concerned that it was the beginning of something, but then I'd need more of a back history.

What's his job? Does he usually have a good relationship with colleagues? Do they do project work? What do they actually talk about?

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 19/09/2013 14:01

So sorry, but no matter how much I rationalise it I would be very worried about this. Especially if he is not a phonecall-type guy.

The last time I spoke to guy for that long on a daily basis was when DH was 'courting' me and we couldn't be out of contact for five minutes.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 19/09/2013 14:01
  • A guy...
MadBusLady · 19/09/2013 14:29

It's not really adding up is it. They don't work that closely together, yet they need 40 mins talk "mostly about work" on top of actual working hours? That's the kind of contact I'd associate with a two-person business, not a co-employee.

Doesn't mean anything's happening necessarily. I just wonder if he'd bother talking to a male colleague for 40 mins a day.

MadBusLady · 19/09/2013 14:33

Hang on, I missed the bit about the text messages.

None to her at all? Not even "Am going to Pret, see you outside in 5?" Unless he is just not a texter at all, that is weirdo IMO.

Were there texts to the other colleagues he sometimes phones?

MadBusLady · 19/09/2013 14:34

weird, not weirdo!

newgirl · 19/09/2013 14:39

i dont speak to my business partner that much each day

VanitasVanitatum · 19/09/2013 14:48

Does he mention her at home? We're you aware of the friendship? If you didn't know they were close then it might be worth keeping an eye on his manner with you etc, if he seems slightly withdrawn from you or your relationship.

Original poster
addtowishlist · 19/09/2013 19:36

I don't know what to think now

I'm sure he does often have reasons that he needs to speak to her about work but there is no reason that it should be confidential or needs to happen outside of work. And no reason that he would spend so much longer talking to her than anyone else he works with. There is nothing big going on and I think he sees her most days in the office anyway.

I don't think he's ever called her at the weekend

There are texts to other people including 4 or 5 other colleagues so is a bit strange that there is absolutely nothing to her

I haven't met her, I knew she existed as he'd mentioned her before but not a lot

OP posts:
cosydressinggown · 19/09/2013 19:57

Google stalk her and find out what she looks like, for one thing. Secondly, I think I'd just keep an eye on this. Is it an iphone? If it is, I think you can retrieve old messages (google - again!) and then you can find out if there are deleted messages between them.

Can you engineer a way to meet her? Be in town and pop into the office to surprise your hubby?

I would not be comfortable with my partner talking on the phone to a female friend for 40 minutes a day - because he doesn't do talking on the phone, most men don't, so I'd know it was a special effort, and what could be soooo interesting that she has to say that he wants to talk to her for so long every day?!

AnyFucker · 19/09/2013 20:02

I can't imagine being comfortable with my H talking to another woman in this manner on a daily basis for 40 mins at a time

Your instincts have been pricked for a reason, OP.

WhiteandGreen · 19/09/2013 20:10

Maybe they just get on really well.

Original poster
addtowishlist · 19/09/2013 21:43

Can't stalk cosy - she's not on Facebook or their company website and can't really 'pop in' to his office as it's over an hour away on the train. Dh says I'll meet her at his Xmas do which is in November

OP posts:
MacNCheese · 19/09/2013 21:51

I think the fact they don't call on a weekend is the strange bit. A married man and a married women can be friends but normally a friendship where they speak for 3 and a half hours a week would involve a few texts some nights out. A double date?? Not just calls. I'm very suspicious but I'm a suspicious person.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/09/2013 12:23

Has he got an iPhone? Can you do the spotlight search trick for deleted messages? (sorry if I've missed this further up the thread)

How are you feeling about it today OP?

MatryoshkaDoll · 20/09/2013 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancescaBell · 20/09/2013 13:21

Work affairs are incredibly commonplace and they don't just happen between evil homewreckers and people trying to escape bad marriages, like folklore suggests. They happen to good people who just have bad boundaries and a low resistance to flattery and ego stroking.

What would worry me here is that the first you knew about these daily lengthy conversations was when you discovered them on his phone. If it was innocent, why didn't he mention them? The lack of texts is another red flag. He probably leaves his phone lying around because he deletes texts and because he or she knows that writing anything down is careless and risky, whereas a conversation (if not recorded) disappears into the ether.

I'd advise you to be realistic and pragmatic here and approach it from that perspective. Just say you're feeling a bit uncomfortable about this because you know how easy it is for people to get too close to eachother at work and how easy it is for these things to start up without even realising how dangerous it is. That's not accusatory. It's honest and realistic. If he tries to make you feel paranoid, jealous or possessive for doing that then he's hiding something.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2013 14:34

Great post, FB

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