My DH is always right. Always.

[purrpurr]

When I got together with my DH six years ago, we quickly discovered, after the honeymoon period where we just about agreed on everything, that actually we are polar opposites on everything. All the inconsequential stuff. All the important stuff. Totally different. I even found out recently that he considers my taste to be garish. It's like nothing about us suits the other.

The unpleasant undertone to these fundamental differences is that he is older than me (only by 7 years) and assumes a somewhat parental/older brother attitude when it comes to disagreements. As if I'm just a bit slow on the uptake, possibly, or haven't finished school yet.

We reached an amicable truce several years ago, because we do hugely enjoy some areas of our relationship, and we make each other laugh and think, so it wasn't worth quitting the relationship even though it means we just can't civilly discuss politics or anything important.

Sorry, gibbering merrily away but don't want to dripfeed. I'll get to the point.

I'm a SAHM. Our DD is 4 months old. I do the lion's share, but DH will contribute. The trouble is, he will argue with me about how I do things, and question and question and quibble over and over. Discussions reoccur every week. I feel like he can't stand not being the one 'in the right' in this particular instance, even though I really am not heavy-handed about 'being the one at home', I really don't swan about like I am All That just because I do 90% of the parenting, but I get this sense from him that his opinion is still the only one that matters here, he is right, and he is going to do things his way, even when it detrimentally affects both of us.

It's really colouring my feelings for him significantly. I can't help but dislike him. I feel like it's the height of arrogance. The equivalent would be for me to appear in his office and gesture casually towards his computer and say, 'well, that's wrong for a start, but I'll fix it.'

Maybe there's even this sense of jostling for control, which I don't know how to handle. Next we're going to be arranging performance meetings and talking in corporate business speak.

Help?!

What use is intelligence if you don't know what to do with it.

This man has less self-awareness than most 10 year olds, poorer manners than most 7 year olds and less empathy than most 5 year olds.

No wonder he says that if you left him he'd be on his own forever. That's probably the truest observation he has made. Perhaps you could ask him to think about why that might be.

Completely agree with NanTheWiser. I've just awakened to the fact that my ex is a somatic narcissist. The reason you got along so well at the beginning was because he became what you wanted him to be. You fell in love with an illusion of him.

I've started to look deeply within because I feel I have to take some responsibility in allowing this to have happened. Not that I'm saying that it's my fault, but I'm an emotionally intelligent, independent woman and I need to know how and why I ever let this emotionally stunted sociopath into my life and end up having children with him. I realise now that I have codependency issues which due to a screwed up childhood has left me with intimacy issues. I'm in no way suggesting that this is the case for you, but I would say if your instinct is telling you something then it's for a reason.

Narcissists are described as vampires, they suck the very life out of you. They cause you so much self doubt because they love to manipulate you and are completely devoid of empathy. It's also the case that they are always the victim and have to be right.

Please do take Nans advise and look up NPD. Hopefully it will give you a greater understanding of what you may be dealing with.

Feels like my brain is melting today. I am totally awash with self doubt. I was raised in a home where the opinions of my father were the most important. He was threatening and controlling to boot so it wasn't like he earned respect and we fawned over him, just that in his own insidious ways he scared us into following orders, in the tiniest of ways. You couldn't be fat, for example. As a result my mum found it impossible to be slim and I have never been even remotely bigger than slim until pregnancy.

I do think I transfer a lot of these fears and stresses when I get in a relationship with a man. I assume at some point he will act like that and maybe I cause it to happen.

This business of my DH always having to be right. Why do I have to take it to heart so much? Surely I should be able to just shrug it off? Why is it such a big deal?

YOu are blaming yourself again

Blame him he is the one behaving like this. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

My DH was like this.

Until one day I said enough was enough, I wouldn't live 'up to his standards' all my life, I'd parent the way I felt best - and if he didn't like it, he could shove it and leave.

He changed.

You could ask, why is it so important to him to be right? Why does that need have to trump all your needs, or indeed any obligation he might have to be kind and caring to you? Why can't he 'shrug off' his own demands to be right?

Sorry I forgot to say, DH never thought he was a genius or made me feel inferior or unnecessarily lay down his law like that. I meant more that he is seven years older also and I felt a bit baby'd at times, like I didn't have enough life experience and he knew it all. It was really really annoying!

There are several things you have said that resonate with me and my situation. I particularly relate to your self doubt, endless self questioning and ability to turn anything around to be your own fault. I really could have written large chunks of your posts myself. As a reader of it, it's obvious it's not you. And that you need a way out of the situation. I don't have any answers for you, I don't have them for myself, but I am just starting conselling which will help me find my answers. I strongly recommend it, for you on your own.

Personally, I'm hoping for a happy ending. Right now I have no idea what that ending is, but I know it'll be a whole lot better than this life now. Be strong. You are telling yourself something is very wrong, believe yourself. Then be yourself.

purrpurr

I think what AF says about blaming yourself is right.

I've been doing the whole questioning thing for years. At first, I did it quite unproductively (in my opinion) - blaming myself (implicitly) and lots of analysing.

Somewhere, somehow, that changed.

I started to phrase those questions differently, and came up with some different answers. Here;s what I reckon: you act in the way that normal people in a relationship act - with consideration; taking the other person's views into account; assuming that if someone is very ... vehement ... about something, they probably have a good reason for it; assuming that your dh, like you, will not put himself and his wants absolutely first, to the detriment of everyone else; assuming that your dh, like you, weighs what is great for him in the scales alongside what is good for you and your dd.

You are, sadly, probably wrong to do this - because (certainly at the moment) your dh is not acting like a fully paid-up member of the adult, compassionate, caring human race. Which is a shame.

This means that "normal" just won't work.

It;s not you that's the problem.

I think realising that the problem lies with his behaviour is very important . If you don't bear that in mind, it will seriously affect how you deal with it.

That's just my opinion. And it really is drawing on my own experience - so it may be wrong for you.

However, with hindsight, I can see that - in my case - all my attempts to understand led to me trying to be "reasonable" and "fair" in what was actually a situation massively weighted against me, and with the boundaries all in the wrong place to start with. Ultimately, the more "reasonable" I was, the worse he was - all the time (I think) taking it as a green light to go further.

I really think it's important to really get it into your head that it is his behaviour that has to change. the problem almost certainly lies with him.

I still have problems believing this about my own relationship - deep down - and, rationally, I can see how debilitating this is.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer : "You could ask, why is it so important to him to be right? Why does that need have to trump all your needs, or indeed any obligation he might have to be kind and caring to you? Why can't he 'shrug off' his own demands to be right?"

This poster is right.

Seriously, what sort of person acts like this???

Pin those two sentences up somewhere, or put them on a bookmark.

That is seriously crazy behaviour, and needs to be seen as such - by you.

Yup, it matters not a jot whether he accepts that his behaviour is unacceptable, just that you do

Thanks for the replies, this thread is a lifeline right now.

Last night he did something with DD that isn't anything major but really didn't sit well with me at all, and I found I was entirely mute. I hated myself immediately and I can't get over it. I did try to comment on why what he'd done wasn't right but I struggled to find any words. I was frozen. Previously I would have presented a case, sometimes backed up by information found online. My opinion/personal knowledge is never enough. How am I going to get out of this?

"I was raised in a home where the opinions of my father were the most important. He was threatening and controlling to boot so it wasn't like he earned respect and we fawned over him, just that in his own insidious ways he scared us into following orders, in the tiniest of ways".

The man you've married seems very much like your own father is.
You could well be repeating now with your H what you saw and learnt in your childhood.

How are you going to get out of this?

With our help. With women's aid. With a refuge if necessary. With the aid of benefits if you need them.

He is bad for you and the relationship you are both modelling is bad for your daughter. Break the cycle. You can do it.

I've been thinking about you a lot, OP.

I may be well off beam but every post of yours seems to indicate that you know at some level that this is not going to work.

What strikes me most of all (ironically, given your H's attitude) is just how self-aware you are, even if some of that awareness is a bit cloudy. Perhaps it's your DD's birth that has started causing the clouds to clear.

This is what I think is going on in your head. You have known at some level all along that in marrying this guy you were striking a bargain with yourself - a level of validation - I mean, when he proposed, I was all goosepimpley not because he'd asked, but because someone had asked at all - in exchange for the power setup you have now. And you thought that that was ok, because you are also clever enough to have self-examined to the extent where you thought you knew that you'd never have high enough expectations to 'do better', damaged as you knew you were by your own upbringing. (And, I would suspect, knowing deep down that yes, he is a twat also brought its own small level of private comfort). And on the surface, of course, provided you deferred as per the bargain, it's all fine.

But now that's fallen apart, because now on your side of the bargain is your DD's future - the childhood she will have and the future that that will help shape. You could sacrifice your own (in your opinion rather crap anyway) sense of self, but you're finding you won't sacrifice hers.

And so you are here. And despite those posts in which you look for answers, you have already shown your colours to us - firstly, you're intelligent, and secondly, you've said that you've been here, reading these boards for a long time. So you know. You know that he won't change - you know it from knowing him and you know it from seeing countless examples of women dealing with abusive, narcissistic men play out on here.

I think you are moving on in your head, I hope you are anyway.

My advice? I hope I am not stirring, maybe I am. I can think of only two major things. Firstly, please consider that if you leave, the smaller your DD is when this happens the better. Firstly, because she will know nothing of all this, and secondly, because if you leave and start building a new regime BEFORE it gets to the point where he has succeeded in establishing his routines, his preferences, it will be easier for you to keep control of your own decisions later on. And of course, before your resentment grows any more because you have seen (in your eyes) him start to damage her.

Secondly, a smaller practical point. If you get the the point where you are intending to leave, do not tell him - just go. Pack while he is out, and go (to parents, wherever). Present him with a fait accompli. This does two things. Firstly, it sets the tone for your future engagement: you have reached the point where no more discussion is necessary, and you simply act - you no longer try and either talk to him or ask his permission in any way. This will send a powerful message. Secondly, it avoids a situation where he tries - and initially almost certainly succeeds - to prevent you from leaving. It would be best to avoid this - it would be hard indeed to come back from any physical violence on his part or very nasty threats. And when he rages why - why didn't you speak to him - you will be able to say 'But what good would that have done? You have shown that you have no respect for me nor interest in what I have to say.'

I did a flit while ex was at work. I effectively snatched my children from childcare and school and fled.

TalkativeJim, I'm beginning to think you know me in real life. Scarily accurate assessment.

I don't work and have no savings as such. Probably enough for a couple of months of living expenses.

This is so frightening. And if it turns out it's me with the problem then I've completely fucking destroyed not just my life but the foundations of DD's. :(.

It's definitely not you. It's him.

Your daughter is very very little and the sooner you can get away the better. She can have a functional relationship with her father but one which is not overshadowed by watching him belittle her mother.

She will be fine. You will too.

Are you close to family - could you stay with them if needed? And, what do they and your friends think of him, incidentally?

Women's Aid would have good advice on the support you would get as a single parent. There would be help with housing, living costs and childcare if/when you started work, and maintenance from him. Not easy, but doable.

Incidentally, leaving before your baby is weaned, if you are bf especially, puts paid to him trying to get a shared care agreement for some considerable time.

Jim almost certainly doesn't know you op. Your situation and the dynamics played out in it are sadly very common, believe me.

But that's half my problem I think, I've seen this all over the place and people don't leave. A friend of mine is with a completely useless piece of humanity who has finally, after three years, started to behave in a socially acceptable way after multiple ultimatums and rows and god knows what else. But she didn't leave.

I can't avoid the idea that I could fix this, if I got more forceful. If I sat him down and told him not to treat me like this. That sounds horribly naive, but what if, if we sit down in a Serious Conversation, we can talk it out and fix it?

That's if I don't say anything fucking irrelevant in the middle of it. Oh fuck.

It doesn't matter what other people are prepared to put up with. All that matters is you and your daughter.

From whst you describe I genuinely do not think your husband will see that there is a problem to fix - he is perfectly happy with the status quo. Why would he want to change? He doesn't see anything wrong with himself. He's a genius and he's always right.

Wonderful hecate once posted on a similar thread that it would be wonderful if our life choices were: 1) shit thing or 2) marvellous thing but mostly they aren't.

I'm not going to lie, leaving him would be hard. But living with him is hard. So pick your hard.

Leaving him would in my opinion (and recent personal experience) quickly get a lot better whereas living with him would get worse. But it is up to you.

But hoping against experience and your own knowledge of whst he is like that he will magically change is madness, frankly.

I really think he may be on the Spectrum.

There is no changing some people.

Basic suggestion but don't discuss, there's too much tension and opportunity for him to derail you. Write it down. Give him time to digest, then sit down and let him respond. Listen, reflect. Set out your terms, let him respond, you tell him whether his response was adequate or not.