My DH is always right. Always.

[purrpurr]

When I got together with my DH six years ago, we quickly discovered, after the honeymoon period where we just about agreed on everything, that actually we are polar opposites on everything. All the inconsequential stuff. All the important stuff. Totally different. I even found out recently that he considers my taste to be garish. It's like nothing about us suits the other.

The unpleasant undertone to these fundamental differences is that he is older than me (only by 7 years) and assumes a somewhat parental/older brother attitude when it comes to disagreements. As if I'm just a bit slow on the uptake, possibly, or haven't finished school yet.

We reached an amicable truce several years ago, because we do hugely enjoy some areas of our relationship, and we make each other laugh and think, so it wasn't worth quitting the relationship even though it means we just can't civilly discuss politics or anything important.

Sorry, gibbering merrily away but don't want to dripfeed. I'll get to the point.

I'm a SAHM. Our DD is 4 months old. I do the lion's share, but DH will contribute. The trouble is, he will argue with me about how I do things, and question and question and quibble over and over. Discussions reoccur every week. I feel like he can't stand not being the one 'in the right' in this particular instance, even though I really am not heavy-handed about 'being the one at home', I really don't swan about like I am All That just because I do 90% of the parenting, but I get this sense from him that his opinion is still the only one that matters here, he is right, and he is going to do things his way, even when it detrimentally affects both of us.

It's really colouring my feelings for him significantly. I can't help but dislike him. I feel like it's the height of arrogance. The equivalent would be for me to appear in his office and gesture casually towards his computer and say, 'well, that's wrong for a start, but I'll fix it.'

Maybe there's even this sense of jostling for control, which I don't know how to handle. Next we're going to be arranging performance meetings and talking in corporate business speak.

Help?!

[SlangKing]

So long as the child's needs are being met, what's worth criticising? If he's so concerned and smart, why is he creating a bad atmos'/stress around his kid? He should be grateful you're doing most of the work.

[Johnny5needsinput]

I was married to a man like this. What he is doing, coated and covered in his I'm a genius and always right and really a nice person, is abusive. It is undermining and belittling you. I remember arguments where my ex would decree that "this discussion is finished" just because he said it was and his logic meant he was right.

Can I gently suggest you get the book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

Abuse like this is hard to deal with and it does a number on your head that takes a long time to get rid of.

[microserf]

I thought I had nothing to add to this thread, but it began to bring back memories of the ex before dh. I had always dated high achieving types. Last ex was one of these. It took me much, much too long to realise that he at the core of our relationship did not respect me, nor really consider my feelings to be valid. Certainly not as valid as his. He also undertook an education process to make me better. Funnily enough, I never bettered myself sufficiently.

He certainly considered himself quietly superior on every level. When he left me I was devastated. Strange how that seems ridiculous now, it was actually the best thing that ever happened to me! During the relationship friends confronted me to tell me he was an arse. Wish I had listened.

I don't think they can change, and they are incredibly hard to confront on their behaviour as they make you feel crazy for trying to address it.

I took a long time out before meeting dh. When I met him I had revised my previous long list of criteria in a partner down to one. That one was "kind". Fortunately dh is indeed a very kind man, whcih I could see by how he treated me, his smiley and friends.

Good luck. I hope you can find a way through this.

[microserf]

Damn - not smiley , family.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

He doesn't sound that bloody clever to me. If he was, he wouldn't feel the need to try and make someone else feel inferior and he definitely wouldn't feel the need to call himself a genius. He sounds quite insecure. And he sounds like a proper knob.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

I rarely post on relationships but I used a tactic with a serial interrupter once that worked really well, so wanted to share in case it's useful to you. Every time I was interrupted, I would completely ignore the interruption, and finish my sentence exactly where I'd left off. Takes quite a bit of concentration sometimes to not engage, not make eye contact and to keep focused on what you were saying, but it worked very well for me. Sometimes leaving the room for a few seconds as soon as the interruption started helped too- just wandering out and back in.

Hope that's helpful. Lots of luck.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

I should have made it clear that I was waiting for Serial Interrupter to finish. Shouting them down never worked in my exp, so I would wait calmly and silently for them to be done and then carry on as though I'd just paused to clear my throat, no matter what they'd said and even if several minutes had gone past.

[4amInsomniac]

I cured my DH of some of his (milder) tendencies in this direction by joking, both with him and when in company, that you know the honeymoon is over when Mr. Right turns into Mr. Always Right!

On the subject of genius, the generally accepted definition is that someone is a genius if they score in the top 0.25% of IQ Tests. This is 1 in 400 people, and generally means an IQ score of over 140-145. 100 is average, 2/3 people score between 85 and 115.

I agree with whoever said get him to do the Mensa test!

[Pollydon]

Hmm, I honestly think he has some sort of mh issue, failing that , he is a twat.
You cant spend your life dealing with this shit, and neither can your dd

[lottiegarbanzo]

Once he's proven himself a genius in IQ terms, ask him to outline for you the differences between the different types of intelligence and, between intelligence, cleverness and wisdom.

A wise person would not be endangering his relationship with his wife and child, or making his wife's work more difficult. A stupid person would do that.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

I can't really add anything to what the other posters have said - this has nothing to do with differences in opinion, nothing to do with the age gap but everything to do with his arrogance and attitude towards you. It makes me :( for you and your DD. My DH and I are very very different from each other - different tastes in music, films, books, social life etc. He is 8.5 years older than me. There is no question that he is cleverer than me - he's an astrophysicist! But none of that matters because we respect each other and value each other's strengths and opinions I don't think your DH respects you or values your contribution, or, dare I say it, your happiness, one bit.

[Chubfuddler]

He might be a Mensa style genius (and as Stephen fry once said that is the kind of intelligence least worth having) but he sounds like a total arse.

Deep down you don't like him really, do you op? I don't blame you either.

[purrpurr]

Thanks for all the replies. Lots to think about. I do think though if I go back to being myself and stick up for myself instead of being agreeable, we'll have an almighty row and there'll be no coming back from that. In my darker moments I'm not sure it's worth it. But it must be.

[Offred]

Purrpurr - just f

[Offred]

Oops!
Just finished reading your thread, wanted to say don't know about genius but you are intelligent, articulate kind and funny and worth so much more than the way he is treating you.

I do think you'd be happier alone as he seems so astonishingly arrogant that he is unlikely to ever change.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

My guess too is that your inherent low self esteem has come partly from your own past; what was your upbringing like?. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?.

I do not like the sound of your H at all, he reminds me somewhat of my BIL who has no empathy, has a seemingly wide grasp of every subject going (he absolutely does not, infact he knows everything and knows nothing) and thinks he is right all the bloody time. He is a narcissist. I would look up narcissistic personality disorder and see if any of that fits.

[Offred]

And honestly doing the Mensa test would be indulging his bullshit.

I don't really believe in the validity of the IQ test. What's important is not indulging/humiliating him over his claim to be a genius but making it clear his bullying and superiority complex is absolutely unacceptable and that is true whether you break up over it or not, whether he accepts it or not.

[Chubfuddler]

Why must it be worth it? Why can't it be the case that this relationship is a bit shit and you'd be better off out of it?

[Offred]

Think what Attila and chub are getting at is very pertinent.

When people think about whether leaving/ending a bad relationship is 'worth it' they are really considering whether they feel they deserve more. If your self respect was low and has been worn down by this dickhead then you're more likely to think it isn't (you aren't) worth making a fuss...

Not true.

No-one should have to live with this crap.

[Meerka]

One thing that might help is to take some of the suggestions on board here and then to consider how he's going to respond to them - and how you will respond to that.

(GiraffeandButterfly's amazing suggestion about letting him finish and then completing what you were saying as if he hadn't spoken is super :D )

Do think that it might be an idea to plan out how you will respond to it if you do end up in an almight row. What is the best case? (that he takes a few days to think and then starts to change? ) what is the middling case? what is the worst case? (that you or he will have to leave?). What will you do then?

Planning really helps.

it can be really hard or impossible to stand up to a domineering man, so it might help to work out what you can or can't do (maybe you'll find you can do more than you thought with MN advice?) and how you'll react then, and what you can do to get the best outcome in the circumstances. Like .. "he'll do it again and I wont be abel to say anything so instead of wanting to creep off, I'll stand up with more dignity and leave the room under my own steam and go to my DD". Small step, but hey.

Good luck. YOu don't deserve this.

[Meerka]

One more thing - from what you said about the proposal, I'm wondering if you ever reallly liked this man at all, or if you were just blown away by someone, anyone, taking an interest. If that's so - next time, remember yer worth more!

[FetchezLaVache]

I think the bossing you about re The Right Way To Tend To The Child could be part of a general control trend. If you want to stay with this man you need to nip this in the bud now, before you're disinclined to open your mouth in case you get shot down in flames.

Just trying to see it from both sides here- maybe he genuinely believes that he is being helpful? He thinks you're struggling, he thinks he's offering a solution- it just comes across as trying to act the foreman (because he is!). Can you tell him how undermined he makes you feel and ask him to suggest rather than dictate?

My ExDH was similar- lovely bloke in many ways, but somewhat inclined to bossiness. I don't mind anyone offering suggestions- if they're good, I'll take them on board but if they're shit, I'll carry on doing things my way thankyouverymuch. He really objected to this. He believed that if he ordered me to suggested that I do something a certain way, I should just unquestioningly comply, without the need for him to convince me with logical argument that his way was better.

The crunch came when he ranted at me for about a minute, telling me to fuck off and fuck myself, because I wouldn't put DS (then 2.6) in the bath in precisely the manner recommended by him. And this tirade was delivered at a high level of decibels in front of DS. I decided I was fucked if I was going to allow my son to grow up thinking that was a normal way for a man to speak to his wife, so I moved out.

And, interestingly enough, when I was packing my clothes I realised that I owned a fucking bin-liner full of clothes and shoes I didn't like and had never worn. These were all things I'd bought at H's behest suggestion in full knowledge that I would never wear them, simply to appease a controlling twat. I was fucking horrified with myself.

In ExH's favour, though, he never described himself as a genius.

I hope you manage to find ways to head off the control, although frankly you shouldn't have to. If he respects you, he wouldn't be trying to control you in the first place. Good luck. Don't let yourself get ground down by it so you end up thinking it's reasonable to buy a pair of cowboy boots that are a size too big just for the sake of a quiet life!

[NanTheWiser]

I never post in relationships, but your thread rings so many alarm bells with me, purrpurr.
I was married for 20 years to a man just like yours (he died 2 years ago). And he was 14 years older than me.

Like you and your H, we seemed to be on each other's wavelength totally in the early years before we married (we had 9 years before we were free to marry). He was attentive, charming, generous - I thought I'd found my soul mate, he put me on a pedestal and made me feel a million dollars - I think I was a trophy on his arm.

As soon as the ring went on my finger, he changed totally - a Jekyll and Hyde situation, if you like. He did his utmost to undermine me, and destroy any self esteem I had, and I spent many years wondering what I'd done to be treated in this way - I was treading on eggshells the whole time.

He too, was ALWAYS in the right, never apologised for anything, and liked to pick arguments for the sake of it. He too, thought he was a genius, and flew into a rage if he was contradicted.

Attila has mentioned her BIL - that describes my late H to a tee, and about 5 years ago, I happened to look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. WOW, I had found the answer - my H fitted all the criteria.

Knowing what I knew helped me to deal with the situation I was in, I assumed a superior attitude, which he found puzzling - and it took the wind out of his sails. I also shouted loudly at him if he upset me, or just gave him the cold shoulder, which also worked.

The bottom line with such people is that they have such an enormous inferiority complex, that they need to boost their own egos by belittling others. Inside they are empty. They feed from their "supply", they need a constant supply to make them feel superior, and that is their partner/ spouse.

All I can say is, living with a Narc is a recipe for a nervous breakdown - you will never change him, and the usual advice is to run for the hills. I stuck it out - even nursed H in the last year of his life when he was very ill, but I can tell you, I am SO much happier on my own, making my own decisions, and being my own person. I've got back all my self confidence and esteem, and am last, ME!

Check out NPD, and see how much of it fits your H - you might be surprised.

[cuillereasoupe]

Don't get him to do the Mensa test. It's not that beyond the bounds of possibility he would qualify - plenty of people do - and how insufferable would he be then?

I agree with whoever suggested informing him of research into the various forms of intelligence. Tell him that emotional intelligence (which you sound like you have in spades) is of much more social value than pure intellect.

[DIYapprentice]

I do think though if I go back to being myself and stick up for myself instead of being agreeable, we'll have an almighty row and there'll be no coming back from that. In my darker moments I'm not sure it's worth it. But it must be.

If you really think that, then you must see that the marriage is unsustainable.

To give your marriage a chance to be a real partnership, you simply MUST stand up for yourself. He doesn't respect you right now, and without respect there isn't a marriage worth saving.

If he talks over you - tell him not to. If he continues, exit the conversation, leave the table/room, wherever it is you are, to get your point across that you will NOT tolerate it anymore.

If you don't, you will slowly but surely be ground down, because now as a mother you are more vulnerable. You will hurt whenever your DD is hurt, you will be hurt whenever you try to justify yourself to him, that actually you do know what is best for your DD. You will get worn down as each and every day you get nothing but being looked down on, and talked down to.

While you were working you at least had your job that gave you respect, other people that recognised your abilities. As a SAHM you won't have that.