Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he cheating? Don't know what to do.

162 replies

chubbychipmonk · 18/09/2013 19:43

Ok so for the last few weeks things have been really shit with me & DH.

Have a 3 year old & new baby & he is out at work all the time. Hardly see each other, I'm still off work.

For last few weeks his phone has been glued to his side & password changed. Asked him why changed & got the usual 'why you trying to look in my phone?' Etc. . Eh, because its been fucking glued to your side! Asked him outright if there was something going on, answers no.

I later realised I have access to his Facebook as I know the password. Nothing untoward until today at 4pm he had msg'd an ex (who I had no clue he was in contact with), 'Are you back yet?' There was also an arrow indicating that this was a reply message. No other messages.

They're not friends on Facebook either. He wasat a course today & didn't start work till 5pm, I phoned his work at 5.30pm& he was there. I know he was defo at his course too as people I know are on it. After I phoned his work he deleted the message.

Her Facebook page is private but her status says she lives in Singapore now but is from here.

Now my mind is running away with me thinking she's back from Singapore and just hasn't updated Facebook & that they're having an affair or that they've been texting / messaging each other.

Do I let on to DH that I know? He's gonna think I'm a stalking psycho. He's not due in from work till after midnight but I really want to ask him what's going on? Or do I wait & see if there's more messages? Or am I really reading too much into it? I really want to see in his phone now & see what's going on but I don't know the fucking password!

Sorry for rambling!

OP posts:
GladitsnotJustMe · 19/09/2013 15:30

He will figure out that you're seeing his messages, and hit the roof. Plus, it's not like you can confront him about it without telling him you've been secretly spying on him.

FWIW my opinion is that he wants an affair with this woman, might not have happened yet but he's definately in the market for it.

Be careful. Listen to what everyone has been saying on this thread - he's an arse whether he's seeing this woman or not. That, in itself, is a sackable offence in my book.

Be strong Thanks

Offred · 19/09/2013 15:34

I think he will leave tbh if the op doesn't because he's in the market for an exit affair.

urtwistingmymelonman · 19/09/2013 15:54

I wouldn't think she was unhinged.
I would think on receiving that tx that she had some bloody good points.
its strange how peoples opinions differ isn't it?
mind you,i wouldn't go and meet any of my exes for 'coffee' either.
what would be the point in that.
its asking for trouble.

SanityClause · 19/09/2013 15:54

Whether or not he is having an affair doesn't really matter.

You are making each other unhappy. (He has said you are making him unhappy, and he certainly is making you unhappy.)

Why would you want to stay together under those circumstances?

Why don't you put that to him, as a no-fault scenario? Why does he want to be with you, if being with you is so awful? If he says it's for the children, well if you split up, you would both get to be with them often, under happier circumstances.

So, you either both work on making each other happy, or split up.

And see what he says/does.

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 16:16

So if you had innocently met your ex with your husband and child and then received that kind of text from his wife you would think she had good points???

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 16:18

Surely getting into a productive mode of communication is more conducive than LTB, honestly, nobody knows if he has or is having an affair!!!

urtwistingmymelonman · 19/09/2013 16:26

why would I meet up with my ex for coffee?
the only time I see him is when he picks our son up at the weekend when my partner is there.
it doesn't sound to me from the op that they are best buds who meet up for a chat and a cuppa on a regular basis and her bloke said himself he met her to get closure so this is obviously not a regular innocent meeting.

urtwistingmymelonman · 19/09/2013 16:27

and I haven't read all the thread but did her oh have a child with ex who was also there during the coffee meeting?
if so,i missed that bit.

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 16:34

No, and I got a bit wrong too, the ex was in town, she doesn't live in this country, they met for coffee and she had her 9 month old baby with her, her husband's not the OPs!

StraightJacket · 19/09/2013 16:49

Tbh, she could think I was unhinged all she bloody well wanted after knowing the facts. I couldn't care less. She would be nothing to me.

But would I heck allow my dick of a husband make out that I was being an evil jealous wife whilst he plays the poor victim. Maybe that's just me though.

And even if this woman isn't interested in an affair, it is pretty obvious he is and so maybe she would welcome being told that he is after worming his way into her bed again. I know I would so I could tell him where to jog on!

Fairenuff · 19/09/2013 17:13

He is treating you contempt. He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect. He is going to do what he wants, so what are you going to do about it?

You have two choices 1) put up with it, or 2) separate.

If you want to separate see a solicitor and get an order for him to leave the house. Find out where you stand financially.

Offred · 19/09/2013 17:17

You would rather tell her yourself that you were "being an evil jealous wife" and he was the victim straightjacket?

Think sending that message to the ex would very much feed into that dynamic rather than dispell it!

Might be cathartic for about 5mins before it became crushingly embarrassing, for me anyway!

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 17:28

Offred, that's how I would see it too.

StraightJacket · 19/09/2013 18:05

I would be explaining why I had good reason for wondering whether he was up to something more behind my back, rather than it just being me "kicking off" because he met up with her.

You have no idea what lies he is telling her. I know if I was her, I would welcome the truth.

Offred · 19/09/2013 18:10

I don't think it matters what she thinks tbh

StraightJacket · 19/09/2013 18:13

I do see what you are saying though. It could be taken in different ways. With me and my tongue, I wouldn't be able to resist getting the actual facts out somehow though.

34DD · 19/09/2013 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

urtwistingmymelonman · 19/09/2013 19:19

that's what I was thinking sj.
I have a reasonto see my ex because we have a son together but he knows my number and picks him up every weekend so I don't need to go out for coffee with him.
oh half has no children with his ex and it doesn't sound from the op that they are good friends who have always met for innocent friendly chats and coffee.
if I had been with my other half for ten years,with children,and he announced that he had been meeting his ex for closure I would be extremely hurt.
and a text like that would make perfect sense to me.
although if she wants him and is hell bent on getting him it really wouldn't matter what anyone said to her as she would probably be all too ready to believe what he had said to her.

Fozziebearmum2be · 19/09/2013 19:24

You okay op?

Original poster
chubbychipmonk · 19/09/2013 20:53

Not really. They messaged each other all day,

Along the lines of

'My wife found out we met up & went mental'

'Shit! Are you ok? How did she find out? Des she know we only went for a coffee?' Etc etc

Asked him when he came home if he'd had contact with her, he's said yes & pretty much relayed the conversation. He still doesn't realise I have access to his FB & can read every message.

Sat down tonight & 'talked'. Agreed marriage is fucked, no respect, nothing in common, no trust etc etc. We both come from broken homes however & don't want boys to have a split family. He's agreed to marriage counselling.

What more can I do? He still doesn't overly think he's in the wrong, I told his mum & she's livid although hasn't let onto him she knows yet, wanted me to sort it out first before she speaks to him.

I don't want my babies to have a split family but I really don't know if I want to be in this marriage anymore. I feel lost.

OP posts:
totallydone · 19/09/2013 21:12

It is so much better for your babies to have a happy mummy then live like this.

Thisisaeuphemism · 19/09/2013 21:22

The marriage is fucked but you don't want a split family?

If the marriage is fucked then you already are in a split family.

Wishing you strength op

BellEndTent · 19/09/2013 21:28

Ok he's got you exactly where he wants you. So ground down and worn out at home that he knows you won't leave and he can do exactly as be likes.

He doesn't like you right now op and he doesn't want you. He is lying to you, hiding things, being rude and thoughtless, chasing other women because he takes you for granted. Don't let him.

Go to your mum's, a friend's or insist he leaves for a while. Give him the shock of his life by taking charge of the situation and showing that you are not willing to accept this behaviour or trust me it will only get worse. He won't stop, his respect for you will diminish even more and his behaviour will get worse if you let this slide.

If you love him, make him remember that you are a person with feelings in your own right and put some distance between you. Let him miss you, let him see what his actions are risking and that you mean business.

I think he is probably hiding more. If he has told you everything there would be no need to hide his phone anymore would there? Sad

LozzaCro · 19/09/2013 21:30

My mum and dad didn't want our family to be split either - but even at the age of 13 I knew my mum was better without my dad in the picture. Kids are not stupid, and being in what appears to be a quite toxic relationship is a much worse place to be than having two parents in different houses who love the bones off them.
Technically, you already are a split family. You are no longer working together. I know the idea of it - or in fact even contemplating not being together - is terrifying. But in all honesty I would much rather be out of a relationship, than in one that you are describing :(

samuraispider · 19/09/2013 22:03

Agree with BellEndTent.

A rocket up his arse would do him the power of good me thinks. You are in control of the situation not him. He is blaming you for everything. Please don't up with this crock of shite.