Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he cheating? Don't know what to do.

162 replies

chubbychipmonk · 18/09/2013 19:43

Ok so for the last few weeks things have been really shit with me & DH.

Have a 3 year old & new baby & he is out at work all the time. Hardly see each other, I'm still off work.

For last few weeks his phone has been glued to his side & password changed. Asked him why changed & got the usual 'why you trying to look in my phone?' Etc. . Eh, because its been fucking glued to your side! Asked him outright if there was something going on, answers no.

I later realised I have access to his Facebook as I know the password. Nothing untoward until today at 4pm he had msg'd an ex (who I had no clue he was in contact with), 'Are you back yet?' There was also an arrow indicating that this was a reply message. No other messages.

They're not friends on Facebook either. He wasat a course today & didn't start work till 5pm, I phoned his work at 5.30pm& he was there. I know he was defo at his course too as people I know are on it. After I phoned his work he deleted the message.

Her Facebook page is private but her status says she lives in Singapore now but is from here.

Now my mind is running away with me thinking she's back from Singapore and just hasn't updated Facebook & that they're having an affair or that they've been texting / messaging each other.

Do I let on to DH that I know? He's gonna think I'm a stalking psycho. He's not due in from work till after midnight but I really want to ask him what's going on? Or do I wait & see if there's more messages? Or am I really reading too much into it? I really want to see in his phone now & see what's going on but I don't know the fucking password!

Sorry for rambling!

OP posts:
bragmatic · 19/09/2013 10:12

MadAboutHOtChoc is correct with archived FB messages. Check the archived folder.

practicality · 19/09/2013 10:12

I think he is having an affair but it isn't with this woman.

flippingebay · 19/09/2013 10:14

Sorry OP but I think he's minimising things and blaming you.. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Just keep calm and keep an eye on things. If you can trust his Mum then tell her, but remember, she is his mum, so whilst she may be supportive he will always be her priority

Offred · 19/09/2013 10:21

I know if I ask him he'll turn it round on me saying 'why was I snooping?'
What else can I say now? I said I wanted to talk to him when he got in. He's just left a phone message saying 'he'd better not be going home to any crap when ones in after midnight & he's got to get up at 7am.
Said this morning it wasn't cheating either as they only met up for a coffee. Again more of that I've brought this on myself because I've always been suspicious & it's lead to this, he reckons if he'd told me he was gonna meet her I'd have gone mental so he just did it anyway.

These things are a bigger problem than any possible cheating IMHO. You are fighting a war not having a relationship.

Offred · 19/09/2013 10:21

And he is not treating you with respect.

Offred · 19/09/2013 10:26

Honestly LTB, you will be fine I guarantee.

Get some legal and benefits advice from a solicitor and CAB or if your LA has a welfare rights or housing advisory service. Working out the practicalities will make you feel so much better.

LondonNinja · 19/09/2013 10:34

Jeez, what a twunt.

So, he doesn't want to be married, and you're 'mad' etc, but he won't go? Who says HE gets to choose? You need to step back and take stock of this: picture this for another five, ten, 15 years... And then, what?

Is that what you want?

Or do you want to gather your courage and escape this awful man? Not an easy decision, but is your life easy now?

Sending you good thoughts.

Handbagsonnhold · 19/09/2013 10:34

Remember he will have only told you what he had felt he absolutely had to.....blaming you is dreadful....he clearly needs to grow a pair.....can you make an excuse and not visit his mums today?

LucyInTheSky78 · 19/09/2013 10:36

There is definitely a lot to be said for gut feelings. And it does seem like he's trying to hide something going by the way he's acting with his phone. But there is still a good chance it's innocent. I think the wait and watch approach is best for now too.
If he'd told you about being in touch with an ex, would that have bothered you? Or is it the fact he didn't mention it? Sometimes they don't mention things on the assumption it's going to upset you, but it's the secrecy that is upsetting, if that makes sense.

LondonNinja · 19/09/2013 10:36

And, whether or not he is having an affair, you are hardly happy. It sounds to me as though an affair would be a sour cherry on a rotting cake...

OliviaPope · 19/09/2013 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaPope · 19/09/2013 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chubbychipmonk · 19/09/2013 10:53

He just messaged her back,

'Not great my wife found out we met up & went mental!! When did you get back?'

So he's fucking carrying on the conversation with her!!!

OP posts:
OliviaPope · 19/09/2013 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonNinja · 19/09/2013 10:57

Chubby - you must be furious.

Take steps. Come on. At least look into alternatives. It will empower you if nothing else - and he may take you seriously.

Original poster
chubbychipmonk · 19/09/2013 10:57

No, he's on his course! He still doesn't know that I know his Facebook password so I just checked & there they are messaging each other!!

OP posts:
Offred · 19/09/2013 10:58

Are you surprised really?

He has no respect for you at all, takes no responsibility for anything; the relationship, his behaviour etc.

Don't get caught in this cycle of proving he's a shit anymore than you have.

Just calmly expect that he leaves so as not to disrupt dc and if he won't go look for somewhere else yourself.

As I said before taking practical steps to see how you would work a split will be vastly more beneficial than snooping on this arsehole's Facebook IMHO.

OliviaPope · 19/09/2013 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fozziebearmum2be · 19/09/2013 12:13

So sorry to read your updates. Thanks

I think it's worth also looking at the relationship as a whole as opposed to just focusing on whether you can prove that he's been cheating (which you may/may not find out definitively).

Are you happy other than this? You mentioned that he speaks to you in a disrespectful manner, but I wonder if the example you have shared is the tip of the iceberg?

It sounds like he isn't (he's made this fairly clear) and his behaviour last night and since has been really poor and sounds like he's already checked out of the relationship. Whether he has physically cheated with this woman or not, the intention was there and he's been secretive with you which isn't a secure foundation for a relationship.

If you decide to leave him, you are NOT breaking up the family, he is. I say that as a child of divorced parents-whilst in an ideal world loving parents should stay together, children need a secure and positive relationship to look up to, not one where dad talks to mum in a disrespectful way. You'd be doing them a favour by showing its not right.

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 12:18

The way he is speaking to you is awful but are you sure you actually want to end your marriage? I think there is more to this than him mtg up with an ex for coffee, it seems more deep rooted, what other issues are there or have you had with him? I don't think he's having an affair with the ex.

You don't appear to communicate in a civil manner with each other, he can't tell you a simple thing like mtg someone for coffee for fear of you going OTT and you can't trust him, why is that?

You both need to calm down and talk reasonably to each other to find out what exactly the other is thinking, it's all to easy to assume things. At the moment, you are reeling, understandably and whether justified or not snooping on his FB page is probably making you feel bad anyway, like you don't already. Instead of snooping more etc, why not be honest, put your cards on the table and surely, as his wife you will be able to assess whether this is just a breakdown of communication or, indeed, if something more sinister is going on.

One thing, the way he talks to you is disgusting and he needs to be told that has to stop, for both your sakes as well as the children you have.

OrmirianResurgam · 19/09/2013 12:22

What a shit! He isn't happy and it's all your fault? But he won't leave? Hmm

StraightJacket · 19/09/2013 14:39

I would be tempted to message this woman the truth, from your husbands fb, making sure she knows it is from you. What an absolute prick!

I would bet my last quid that you would be sooooo much happier without this loser as your husband.

StraightJacket · 19/09/2013 14:52

I would say something like

"Hi, entitled wankers wife here. Just to be clear, the reason why I kicked off wasn't just based on the fact he met up with you for coffee, his ex, but because apparently he needed "closure" which you would think after 10 years, a marriage and 2 kids later, he shouldn't need. Also, for weeks now, he has practically had his phone surgically attached to him like a sad pathetic over grown teenager, whilst also changing his passwords. Throw in the fact that recently he thinks he can talk to me and treat me like shit, his wife and mother of his children, can you honestly say that if this was your husband and you found out he was arranging secretive meet ups behind your back, that you wouldn't wonder whether the wankbadger was cheating on you also behind your back?

Oh, and when you read this husband, kindly feck off to your mothers so she can put up with your shitty behaviour from now on because I refuse to anymore."

Jan45 · 19/09/2013 14:57

SJ: If I was the OW and read that I would probably spend ten minutes pissing myself laughing and thinking this woman is desperately unhinged. If it was an innocent coffee and the friend has a husband and child do you really think she will appreciate being contacted????

Just sounds like airing your dirty laundry in public to me.

Thisisaeuphemism · 19/09/2013 15:00

Please don't contact this woman.

I feel for you - your dh is behaving very badly to you.