Is he cheating? Don't know what to do.

[chubbychipmonk]

Ok so for the last few weeks things have been really shit with me & DH.

Have a 3 year old & new baby & he is out at work all the time. Hardly see each other, I'm still off work.

For last few weeks his phone has been glued to his side & password changed. Asked him why changed & got the usual 'why you trying to look in my phone?' Etc. . Eh, because its been fucking glued to your side! Asked him outright if there was something going on, answers no.

I later realised I have access to his Facebook as I know the password. Nothing untoward until today at 4pm he had msg'd an ex (who I had no clue he was in contact with), 'Are you back yet?' There was also an arrow indicating that this was a reply message. No other messages.

They're not friends on Facebook either. He wasat a course today & didn't start work till 5pm, I phoned his work at 5.30pm& he was there. I know he was defo at his course too as people I know are on it. After I phoned his work he deleted the message.

Her Facebook page is private but her status says she lives in Singapore now but is from here.

Now my mind is running away with me thinking she's back from Singapore and just hasn't updated Facebook & that they're having an affair or that they've been texting / messaging each other.

Do I let on to DH that I know? He's gonna think I'm a stalking psycho. He's not due in from work till after midnight but I really want to ask him what's going on? Or do I wait & see if there's more messages? Or am I really reading too much into it? I really want to see in his phone now & see what's going on but I don't know the fucking password!

Sorry for rambling!

What a tosser he is! You now know all you need to know, so first thing in the morning tell him to leave your home. If he's that miserable in the marriage and doesn't care then he can get out cant he?! I love the way he passes the buck and blames you for it happening. ..and I very much doubt they only met up for coffee. Tell his mum tomorrow....let her know what a nasty piece of work he is.

There are red flags in his reply and behaviour.

It's all your fault? You made him do it? He didn't tell you because your psycho? Her husband knew? She was with her dc? He keeps his phone with him all the time! Etc etc

Are you sure if he is doing anything its with her?! I can understand why you don't trust him.

Being a single parent is better than you being in this awful relationship. He doesn't respect you or your children to be honest. You deserve better than this. How could you even trust him going forward? That's no way to live.

I'm so angry right now I can hardly type. Im the one downstairs sitting on the sofa upset with a million questions going through my head & he's lying upstairs snoring his head off without a care in the fucking world. I actually feel really sick.

Yes you should be angry! And the fact that he knows you are upset but is able to sleep soundly also speaks volumes. He does not care at all.

Put your anger to good use and think about what you're going to do here. I would be putting all his stuff in bin bags by now. .and making sure he leaves in the morning. Maybe his mum would like to have him back!

Start putting yourself and your children first now.

Just feel lost

hope you are ok chubby?
just wanted to say that YOU would not be the one 'splitting the family up'
he would so that is the first thing you need to get out of your head!
going into this with a feeling of unfounded guilt will just bias your decision from the start.
get pro-active and research your options.
when you realise that you actually can be ok as a single parent(and so can the children) the decision will be so much easier for you to make.
I have been a single parent and although financially it can sometimes be a challenge its actually not that bad and the sense of freedom and happiness it can bring is preferable to the stifling,abusive situation you are in now.
ask yourself how you feel when you look into the future and think about still being in a relationship with a man like this ten years down the line.
this is the hardest part.
but if someone like me was strong enough to do it then you definitely can.

He has no respect for you. He doesn't care about you and it sounds like he's trying to make you leave him because that way, he can convince you that it's all your fair.
It's not your fault. Even if things aren't great, you are together and you have children which makes life really fucking hard and if he's unhappy he needs to talk to you. Instead he's lied, been aggressive and worst of all, constantly blamed you for everything.
I'm so sorry.

*fault

Sounds to me.like he is totally gaslighting you. Turbing it round to make ift defendable.

Chipmonk, if you don't want to split the family up, are you prepared to go to counselling? You might be able to make a lot more sense of all of this if there's a third party guiding you through.

From what you said, there is no actual evidence of him having an affair. It sounds odd, certainly, and he needs to explain his actions about closure, but perhaps you need to explore yours too?

Funnily enough I mentioned counselling at the start of this week for the constant arguing.

It wasn't met within enthusiastic approach but he agreed to go. That was before this though.

Ok chubby either way things can't go on like this can they?
You are both miserable and if he's not up to anything now, the intent was there and still will be if nothing changes.
Of course you don't want to split your family up and be on your own but you also can't do nothing.
My advice to you would be to start to work on your own self.
I don't want to be a single parent (again) but if I needed to be I could and dh knows it too!
So just have a little think and gather some knowledge about how you would cope eh benefits, housing etc. that will give you an air of confidence when dealing with his nonsense.
When he is rude or vile, stop engaging with him and walk away.
If he will go for counselling fine but if not go for it alone.
If I was suspicious of dh for whatever reason I would tell him why even if it sounded ridiculous and I'd snooped,
He would be mostly upset that I was upset and would not be angry at all. He would reassure me as much as he could possibly do because he'd hate to think I was upset.
If he didn't respond like that I'd be more suspicious or think our marriage was on the way out.

Sorry chipmonk, this sounds really hard and it seems as though he's not engaging with you when you want to discuss things.
It must be tough to be at home with two little ones when he's working such long and antisocial hours.
You clearly want to work at your marriage so I would push the counselling. He has to understand that he can't disrespect you - you're supposed to be his partner.

If you're on his FB page, click on Activity Log and then Search and it will show you what he's been doing. Don't think you'll be able to see PMs though.

Sorry you're going through this.

OP, your comment about YOU breaking the family up struck a chord with me. I was exactly like this and the guilt (pre leaving) was excruciating. Until the penny dropped. It wasn't me who broke the family up, it was his actions. My relief was palpable, and made splitting up - and the resolve to stay that way - easy.

Now, mine was about drink not about another woman so I don't want to make light of your devastation. But take this from me. The minute he made the decision to message her and meet up, he consciously gambled with the consequence of breaking up the process. You have not been afforded the conscious gamble.

In my opinion, once a man (or woman) has mentally moved away they are not coming back. It's much better for you now to take control of the situation. And don't leave, tell him he has to go. Make him experience the consequence of his actions. The fact that he tells you he doesn't care makes this so much easier. Make him not care in a bedsit.

As to how you make him leave, only you will know his weakness. But I find humiliation is the most effective way

Re deleted messages...often people will delete messages by clicking onto x when this only archives the messages. So if you go to his FB, go to Messages and then click onto More at the top of his inbox to retrieve archived messages.

He won't leave. He won't leave the boys. I asked him if he would stay at his mums tonight but he point blank refuses.

Said this morning it wasn't cheating either as they only met up for a coffee. Again more of that I've brought this on myself because I've always been suspicious & it's lead to this, he reckons if he'd told me he was gonna meet her I'd have gone mental so he just did it anyway.

It's your fault that he kept secret a coffee date with an ex? No, that was his choice.
Sorry you're in this situation. Get some space to clear your head. Maybe take the kids to your parents/sisters/friends for few nights? Even if its at the weekend.

The blaming you bit is all in the script. But whether he's been unfaithful or not, he talks to you like you're a piece of shit on his shoe and your dc will pick up on that. Get some free advice from a solicitor about what would happen if you split up and check what benefits you'd get? Look into counselling too. Keep your options open. Tell your mum if you trust her judgement.

I earn way more than him, have a company pension etc. If I left then financially I think he'd be worse off than me. We have loads of joint debt
though, how does that work? Can't
believe I'm even asking this stuff.

I'm going to his mums for lunch today with the boys, she'll know something's up, I look like shit & will prob burst into tears. Should I tell her? We're pretty close but its his mum at the end of the day.

OP, I was in a similar position 18 months ago, came across some odd e mails, DH hostile and defensive when challenged but chose to believe him. Five.months later discovered that it was a full blown affair by which time he had his exit strategy completely worked out. As other posters have said, it is a really good idea to gather information on how you could make it work on your own (and you could) even if you never have to use that information. You should consider the possibility that you and DH may not be on the same side anymore. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and really hope that your worst fears aren't realised. Infidelity is like childbirth: You can have no concept of how painful it is until you have experienced it. Big hugs.

Do not trust his mother. I made that mistake. Cancel if you can't hold it in. You have the shits

Tricky. I probably wouldn't tell his Mum yet. They will ALWAYS take the part of their son and you will be demonised at some point. Get support from your family and friends.

Ask him to hand over his phone because you don't trust him and want to see the messages etc. He will refuse if he is being dodgy and you will have your answer.

The coffee meeting aside, he is treating you in an appalling fashion and it shouldn't be tolerated. He really doesn't care about your feelings and more than that, he is undermining you.

Kick him into touch. Tell him this marriage isn't working for you and you want out. Take back some of the power and show no indication of lack of confidence in being on your own. He will attempt to exploit the slightest whiff of that if he can.

If he won't move out ask him how you are going to divide the house up so you get your own time and privacy because you can't stand to be in his company and will be pursuing your own life from hereafter. Then talk about dividing up chores so he does equal amounts of childcare and half the work it takes to run a house.

Show no mercy.

She just messages him back in reply to yesterday's 'you back yet'

She says 'yeah got back yesterday was really good but Callum (her husband) is away again tomorrow. How's things with you?'

He said last night she's back in Singapore but was in Malaysia for the weekend and that was the 'you back yet?'

I told him this morning I didn't want him messaging her anymore so will wait & see if he replies.