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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't believe he's doing this!

378 replies

AuchAyethenoo · 18/09/2013 09:26

I posted a last week about some financial issues I'm having with my dp, basically he works full time on a decent wage, I receive CTC, cb and maintenance for my eldest dc. I pay half of all the bills, mortgage etc plus buy all of the food and all of the children's clothes, activities etc, etc. This has, of course, caused major stress for me to the point that my mum takes me food shopping just to ensure we have food in the house for my children.

Yesterday he comes home telling me he has just found out his brother (9 years old) has rattled up a £700 bill on his x-box on his mothers credit card. That she has no money at all now. MIL is on benefits, I suggested she could contact DWP to apply for a loan for food and essentials and perhaps speak to her sons father to arrange buying food for them.

I've now found out that dp has given his mum about £300. I don't grudge his mum help for food, but what I am struggling with is that he has no issue giving his mum money but never has any to give to me for our children.

OP posts:
MsIngaFewmarbles · 21/09/2013 11:41

I agree, call Womens Aid and beg for a refuge place. Explain that your partner is suspicious that you may be planning to leave and you are worried for your and your children's safety.

skyeskyeskye · 21/09/2013 12:00

can you get in the loft when he is out and get the passports back? and give them to your mum. also make sure that there is no way he can get access to your bank account. if you can access it online, change the password if he knows it. keep all cards etc on you at all times.

failing that, once you are out, you can report it to the police and ask them to return to the house with you to get the passports back?

I hope that you manage to get out quickly. As others have said, maybe call Womens Aid again and see if they can find you a place.

Feckssake · 21/09/2013 12:01

Auch, the putting the passports somewhere you don't feel you can go means he's on to you. You need to get out now.

I am in the central belt and I have a car. PM if you want help getting out.

MissStrawberry · 21/09/2013 12:06

If you live near me I WILL GO IN THE DAMN LOFT ANF GET THEM Angry.

Jux · 21/09/2013 12:21

Auch, I have chills reading about the passports, it has made me feel sick and scared for you. Please take heed of what people have said. Go to your mum's, get the police to get the passports. Is he at home all weekend? Be very careful.

Good luck.

WafflyVersatile · 21/09/2013 12:23

oh, Auch, Sad. Please get out of there as soon as you can. Even if it is to your mum's. 80 fags a day for a few days is better than this.

nkf · 21/09/2013 12:25

I can see that the passports removal is a worrying sign, but how risky is it? Is he from another country and so could take the children away? If not, isn't it a bit of a red herring? Do you need them to get away? I'm a bit confused at the emphasis on the passports, but maybe I've missed something.

gamerchick · 21/09/2013 12:27

I was wondering that as well. Do you need the passports? I know it's a pain but they can be replaced.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 21/09/2013 12:32

Go without the passports. It's good to have them but it's far more important to be safe. Better to be around a smoker for a bit than around an abuser too, by a long shot.

BabylonReturns · 21/09/2013 12:35

I'm also a bit confused about the passports, but agree you need to be out of there ASAP. As I said before, I am midlands, and I have a car and access to a van if you need help moving stuff.

I will PM you my phone number, if it easier to text than to be on MN.

Stay safe. X

clam · 21/09/2013 12:56

He can't stay off work forever. Is the loft locked?

Although I'm kind of thinking that's irrelevant - he sounds more and more sinister by the day. I think you should just cut your losses and get the hell out.

AllThatGlistens · 21/09/2013 13:02

Fucking hell he's definitely escalating isn't he Sad

I really hope you're alright OP

RegTheMonkey · 21/09/2013 17:39

I've been reading the thread and checking every day to see how you are getting on Auch. Everyone has given you better advice than I could. However I just had to say that I agree that you should just get out and go to your mum's. Never mind the smoke! It's not like you will be there forever. I do worry about you and I'm so wanting to read an update from you where you say 'we're out'. You will have such a happy life without this miserable, cruel and abusive man in your (and your children's) life.

2andout · 21/09/2013 18:18

Another one here who has no practical advice to offer but I'm thinking of you and think you are being so amazingly brave. I have 2 girls age 5 & 7 & a huge bag of clothes my neighbour gave me that we really don't need. PM me if any use for your younger DCs & I'll happily post some warm clothes to your mum's??

perfectstorm · 21/09/2013 18:51

I think smoke for a week or two will do them far less harm than staying in that house. I say that as an asthmatic with an asthmatic child who is phobic about smoke. Some things are worse - this is one. And this is a scary man, tbh. He's exploiting his own children - literally the clothes from their back and the bread from their mouths - to con a lifestyle he can't afford from their mother's very limited purse. Wouldn't you be a top prospect for rehousing, if you're all at your mum's? Young children, terrible overcrowding? Might be worth trying to find out. And frankly you'll be rich once shot of him, compared to how you've had to live under "his" roof.

Thinking of you.

PeanutPatty · 21/09/2013 19:04

Fudging hell Auch he knows something is up. Please be so very careful. I'd run at the first opportunity. I am worried he might turn and not let you leave the house at all and you'll become even more of a prisoner in your own home than you already are.

Talk to WA about the passports if you are worried about leaving them behind. If it were me in this situation I'd leave them behind. Your safety is so much more important.

Seriously get to your mum's. A safe haven with fag fumes has to be a better option.

Please post when you can. Let us know you are ok or, even better, that you are free and out.

Bogeyface · 21/09/2013 19:17

Ring the passport office, explain that they have been stolen (as they have!) and that you will be applying for replacements at a later date. That gets them cancelled. Does he also have yours? If he does, do you have a driving license you can use for ID instead?

I would be inclined to do what has been suggested, wait until he is at work, pack as much as you can carry and go to your mums. Do not leave anything of value that belongs to you and the kids, you will never get it back, and if you can, get into that loft as I rather suspect there is more up there than you know about.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 21/09/2013 19:25

That's a good point Bogey, Auch, WHY aren't you allowed in the loft in your own home???

Stay safe lovely x

FunnyRunner · 21/09/2013 19:35

Auch I'm freaking out a bit for you. As others have said please get out asap and take whatever help you can get. Forget the passports.

WafflyVersatile · 21/09/2013 19:51

It's the weekend so she's probably not had much time to get on here even if things are calm. I'm worried too. He must be suspicious.

Also, OP, on the off-chance that 'terhouse' is significant to you, please PM me.

DorothyBastard · 21/09/2013 20:24

You are being so brave. I am rooting for you and the DCs. Stay safe and keep strong.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/09/2013 20:34

If you're Essex/ east London I can help. Pm me x

ILoveAnyFucker · 21/09/2013 21:23

I'm in NI. Petrified of heights but will happily storm the loft and have loads of bits for little folk if you need them and are in the area.

Bogeyface · 21/09/2013 23:13

I am in the East/West Midlands border, I can help too

mammadiggingdeep · 22/09/2013 08:57

Hope you're ok op xxx

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