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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help re husband and Internet please

53 replies

neetsmassi · 16/02/2004 09:46

Am not speaking to DH today - On Saturday when I was ot looking after our daughter all day he spent 2 hours on the net looking at porn - I found it in the history - later he had deleted those particular entries, not all of the history, so that it doesn't look suspicious - when I told him that I was pissed off about it he denied it and told me I was being hysterical. Then I found in his email (his work email) a message from a woman saying that she had found his ad in the personals and would love to meet him but only for fun as she was married .......blah blah blah. As I was was so shocked and furious I stupidly deleted it. When I challenged him about it and asked him what he was doing putting himself in personals ads he denied it all. What could I say when I had destroyed the evidence? Then refused to talk to me and we haven't spoken since. Does anybody know whether it is possible that his name has just got caught up in a mass mailing spam email? I doubt it although I don't know that much about the internet - I would have thought that at some point he must have put his details in a "looking for..." sort of website. I really need help with this as if he is interested in meeting other women I'm not interested in being married to him anymore. All help and advice appreciated

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 16/02/2004 10:09

I'm really sorry to say this - but he must have put his details in the personals. I can't think of a way that his details would have inadvertently got there by accident. My God neetsmassi what a dreadful discovery. I am so sorry..... what is your dh like generally? - is he loyal / loving? Is this out of character?

Original poster
neetsmassi · 16/02/2004 10:13

Usually loving and loyal but likes to have his secrets - if I really thought that he might have met up with somebody else I would have already left - trying to look on the positive side perhaps he was just trying it out or something - God that sounds pathetic - what should I do - do you think that there is any chance that my finding out about it would shock him into thinking he shouldn't even play around with ads like these - it's half term - my daughter is at home all day - how the hell am I going to get through the day

OP posts:
charliecat · 16/02/2004 10:18

Has your email got a trash can you can sometimes retrieve deleted things from there and youdd get a better look at the email to see if its really specifically for him or just a website hoping to pull him in. Or in the recycle bin look in there?

handlemecarefully · 16/02/2004 10:19

Oh neetsmassi,

I really wish I could come over and give you a hug / support you.

Yes - you could be right. He could have been just curious to see what sort of responses he might get, and perhaps never had any serious intention of following anything up. I think his refusal to talk about it is unreasonable (but then - he is acutely embarrassed, feeling guilty etc). I am sure that your discovery will have given him the shock he needs to stop this...but if I was you, I would want him to be prepared to talk this over at length. I would point out to him that until he is prepared to discuss it, the issue wont go away or be resolved but will just keep niggling away at you eroding your trust

motherinferior · 16/02/2004 10:21

Just dropping in to say you poor love. How absolutely HORRIBLE. Yeah, dig in the trash.

Original poster
neetsmassi · 16/02/2004 10:24

Unfortunately can't dig in trash as it was his work email and I only saw it because he has one of those handheld wireless things that retrieves his emails. Am feeling at my wits' end

OP posts:
FairyMum · 16/02/2004 10:45

Poor you. How awful. It's difficult to explain this one away I'm afraid. Not sure what to say, except if it was my husband we would have a lot of talking to do. Big hug from me too xx

handlemecarefully · 16/02/2004 10:47

Neets,

You must be going nuts mulling this around in your head. I realise that this subject is a sensitive one, and you wouldn't necessarily want to talk about it to anybody else - but do you have a trusted friend nearby who you could lean on today?

Original poster
neetsmassi · 16/02/2004 10:52

Not really as unfortunately they are mostly joint friends - am seeing a friend later today so will just have to try to put abrave face on - spoke to a close friend last night but she is in Belgium. I don't know if I will even get to talk to DH as he is completely denying everything - can't see a way out of this for us unless he will talk about it. Such a bloody cliche isn't it - I gave up my career for us to have children, then gave up my job to make our lives easier as a family as he works v long hours and we were always juggling DD duties and the worse thing is we have been trying for another child for about 2 years - lucky thing I never got pregnant hey - I suppose everything happens for a reason

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 16/02/2004 10:59

Maybe you should give him a shock to force him into talking about it. Could you book into one of those Travelodge hotels for one night with dd (cost about £40 only) so that when he gets home he is confronted with the shock of you not being there.

Perhaps I am manipulative etc, but I did this once to my dh during a serious dispute...and it spurred him into talking about the problem.

Original poster
neetsmassi · 16/02/2004 11:06

HMC - i have been thinking about this and considered whether perhaps I should tell him that if he won't talk about it (or continues to deny it)there isn't a future for us and so we might as well get on with deciding what we each want from the house - also I know from other threads that most of you will not agree with me on this but I will have to leave my gorgeous DD with him as I don't even have a job at the moment - he can provide for her much better than I can, and I don't want her to be shuttled between us. He is going to US on Thursday for 4 days so it will give us both time to think

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 16/02/2004 11:11

Re leaving your dd with him....don't think you must do this just because you don't have a job. IF you go down the route of separation (and hopefully it won't come to this)he will still have to provide for her via child support when she is living with you....

Original poster
neetsmassi · 16/02/2004 11:15

If it comes to separation I will not see him again and I don't want anything from him. Personal opinion only but my dd will have to be with one of us only - don't want her to be going to and fro - God it breaks my heart just to think about it but it's got to be better for her to have one parent full time than 2 part time - as I said personal opinion only

OP posts:
Clarinet60 · 16/02/2004 11:16

You don't have to leave dd with him - he still has to provide for her wherever you live. But then I think you probably know that already. One thing that puzzles me is who do you think would look after your dd while your dh is at work?

I really feel for you, but please don't do something you will later regret.

Original poster
neetsmassi · 16/02/2004 11:19

Droile
He would then have to change his lifestyle - or DD stays with me but he doesn't see her gain - the choice will be his. I know myself - I won't be able to be civil to him or not poison her mind against him if he is constantly in our lives. Oh my God listen to me - I've already left him! Is there any hope for us?

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 16/02/2004 11:21

Actually I get spam emails all the time which say things like "I saw your ad..." or "I saw your profile" - I can't actually find an example in my deleted items folder (I get ridiculous amounts of spam) but they are always in American English, always from women (usually with silly names) and usually invite me to chat on some website or other. Obviously I haven't actually placed any ads.

However, if the email was innocent he should have said that rather than just deny it. So I don't know what to advise really. Whether it was innocent or not, he should be prepared to talk to you about it.

LadyCodworth · 16/02/2004 11:22

I have had a "this lovely woman wants blind date" spam on my hotmail (also viagra etc) but its followed by an internet link to click.

the fact he isnt talking makes him guilty?

Clarinet60 · 16/02/2004 11:23

I feel the same about DH, neetsmassi. The thought of seeing his bitter face during contact handovers makes me feel sick and I would much rather have a clean break.

But if you had contact and he was the full time carer, you'd still have to meet him for handovers. Or are you thinking of never seeing your dd again?

I think the scenario where you keep dd and he has contact is the better, more realistic one.

Original poster
neetsmassi · 16/02/2004 11:26

Ladycodworth and senorapostrophe - you are giving me hope - I pray that it was something like this. The email came in at 6.50 am on a sunday morning so could be someone in a different timezone - plesae God let it be something like this.

Thanks everybody for all your support - am going out for a few hours now with DD but will read any further messages on my return.

OP posts:
hmb · 16/02/2004 11:30

I get spam like that. I also get endless ads sayign 'here is the info you requested' and it is about making my Penis longer! I know I have not requested blind dates, or a larger penis.

The issue about spending 2 hours looking at porn is different, I think, from the e-mail, which migh just be spam. Is he defensive because he knows that you are pissed off about the porn (as I would be btw)

LadyCodworth · 16/02/2004 11:32

was there a link on it?

LadyCodworth · 16/02/2004 11:36

hmb My penis is obv world renonewd for its size as everyone is deperate to enlarge it. and show me what girls got up to on the farm!!

Galaxy · 16/02/2004 11:36

message withdrawn

LadyCodworth · 16/02/2004 11:39

No glalaxy... dhs work one has spam now and he sells software!! (He is a little p o too)

handlemecarefully · 16/02/2004 11:44

I would like this all to turn out just to be spam for neetsmassi's sake, and I have had similar ish emails - but nothing going as far as "I would like to meet you but only for a bit of fun because I am married" - which is a bit detailed for a spam email isn't it?