Help re husband and Internet please

[neetsmassi]

Am not speaking to DH today - On Saturday when I was ot looking after our daughter all day he spent 2 hours on the net looking at porn - I found it in the history - later he had deleted those particular entries, not all of the history, so that it doesn't look suspicious - when I told him that I was pissed off about it he denied it and told me I was being hysterical. Then I found in his email (his work email) a message from a woman saying that she had found his ad in the personals and would love to meet him but only for fun as she was married .......blah blah blah. As I was was so shocked and furious I stupidly deleted it. When I challenged him about it and asked him what he was doing putting himself in personals ads he denied it all. What could I say when I had destroyed the evidence? Then refused to talk to me and we haven't spoken since. Does anybody know whether it is possible that his name has just got caught up in a mass mailing spam email? I doubt it although I don't know that much about the internet - I would have thought that at some point he must have put his details in a "looking for..." sort of website. I really need help with this as if he is interested in meeting other women I'm not interested in being married to him anymore. All help and advice appreciated

message withdrawn

sorry sounded brusque.. Its my aristocratic tendency..

That's encouraging

HMC, just trawled through the spam bin (we get so many!) and found this addressed to my email (not dh!) Needless to say I didn't post to a lonley hearts, but reading this you would think that I did!

'Hello from Beverly!

I saw your personals ad and thought we may have something in common.
I am living in Georgia Age: 24, Living Situation, married but lonely

I am willing to meet with you for a discreete encouter only. My husband
is my best friend but I need certain... well lets just say I need a little more!

Do you have any reason not to contact me? I am tall and most say rather attractive.
I WON'T tell if you won't tell! I want a real man - I want romance! I joined this
new adult dating site for married people who want to chat, you can find me there.'

The only thing that 'Beverly' and I have in common is that we are both interested in real men! But I already have one thanks

Even better - apologies to neetsmassi for possibly scaremongering!

Neetsmassi - it could be that your husbands reaction was moral indignation then because he hadn't tried the personals.

Still think he should be prepared to talk about it though rather than clam up

Just to add that there is also a worm or something that can also hijack your history, so it looks like you have been looking at porn sites. We have it on our home computer, and even though we keep thinking we've got rid of it, it keeps on reappearing.

I know it's not dh, as sometimes it seems to happen most often when it's ME using it! One minutes the history is showing google, mumsnet etc, the next it is showing stickifingers, teenagepix and various other disgusting sounding sites. I have to reboot the pc and then it's back to normal - with "real" history showing.

So there could be an innocent explanation for "looking at the porn sites" as well.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and add comments. The situation is now this - we have talked and he has said that he has not put his name on a personals ad and he is shocked that I would believe that he could. As I no longer have the email I belive that I have to let it go and move on - although I will be a little bit more suspicious in future (why does everything in life make us a bit more cynical. However HMB's spam email is almost exactly the same as the one I saw and fingers crossed it really was Spam that I saw. If he did put an ad in out of curiosity then hopefully this episode will shock him into seeing how dangerous it can be and how he could risk losing his family. Re the porn - that is another issue - hopefully just a worm thing but perhaps not as it only appears in history when I am not here - but porn I can deal with - meeting other women I cannot!

Galaxy I hear what you say about the wider issue - the wider issue is this - as a child my dad messed around and everyone knew apart from my mum (there may even be a half sister floating around) - when she found out she was obviously devastated - however she comes from a time where your husband is your master and your God - she would never leave him and would always criticise any woman who left her husband for ANY reason. FIL the same - appears that he always messed around, everyone seemed to know apart from MIL adnd it seemed to be treated as some sort of joke. I have always maintained that I always want to know what is going on so that I can make my own decision with all of the facts - although I cannot belive that I would ever stay with somone who cheated on me I want to have all the facts and I would want my decision to be an informed one. I would feel much worse if DH was cheating and everybody knew but me. Re my dd - obviously I love her to death I truly believe that if we did split up it would be in her best interests to be wholly with one parent and not see the other one. If we were to split and we go off and have another family with somebody else where would that leave her if she was living part of the time with one parent and the rest with another - where would she belong? - she would never be truly part of any family unless she was with either her mother or father fulltime. I know that this is a very minority (and personal)view but I would put up with not seeing her again if it ensured her future happiness and ensured that she was part of a family somewhere.

Once again a huge thanks and hugs to everybody for their support.

depends what address it was sent to, if hotmail then poss could have been anonymous spam, but otherwise he must have provided the address...
I feel for you its so hard to know
Good luck
xx J

neetsmassi, fwiw, to my husband and I the email sounds like spam. Our clara account (our email address is a clara.co.uk one) gets loads and loads of spam. It's from a group of people who seem to have gotten the user id list. Very sloppy on clara's part, actually. My "public" (ie the email acct I use for public places, like on mumsnet) receives almost no spam.

If my husband accused me of infidelity over a piece of email which I had not solicited, I'd shut down, too. I'm not saying it's right, but to me it's an understandable reaction.

The porn is another issue completely. I would be seriously annoyed if my husband lied about porn or anything else to me. (Unless he was planning me a surprise birthday party -- you know what I mean.) I think if you're uncomfortable with it, he shouldn't do it and he should never lie about it or try to hide the fact that he's done it. At the very least because that seriously damages his credibility later.

Hope this gets resolved. Could you explain to him the reason you don't believe him about the email is because he lied about the porn (if that might be the case).

Kiwisbird, the spam I had was not posted to a hotmail account. And I know that I didn't post my e-mail address to the site! So sorry, I disagree with you.

kiwisbird, that's not true necessarily. I have a Hotmail account in which I have never had a single spam message in 4 years, but I get about 20-30 a day at my work address, which is an ac.uk one. I filter out lots more, those are just the ones that get through. There are all sorts of ways spammers can get access to email addresses; I hadn't signed up for anything.
Neetsmassi, I would bet anything it was completely innocent. Good luck!

Agree with HMB,
Dh gets so much pervy spam, and we are pretty open about things so I know what's spam and what's not, IYSWIM.
I mean four or five a day.
We joke about it and accuse each other of having used pertinent website originally, once you get anywhere near a porn website you are forever succeptible to spam.
HTH

well done neetmassi
avery balanced and measured response. he's lucky to have you

neetsmassi
FWIW have just checked with DH who is in the internet business and he says anyone can get that kind of spam even without ever going near a porn site

Just another huge thank you to you all - sounds mushy but you really cannot know how much of a great help you have all been over the last couple of days - much love to all xx

I know that this could be spam, but I have to say, having had a husband who had an affair that started with looking at porn sites (then progressed to message boards and then on to dating websites) I would just advise you to keep an eye on your husbands account and the history of your computer. There are also "spy" software that will record everything that is typed on your computer. I know this is awful advice, but it took me months to get the honest truth from my husband. I asked him in every possible way if he had had an affair and he denied it until I found his postings on a dating service and intercepted an e-mail from a woman. We are still trying to work things out for the sake of the children but I no longer trust my husband or most men for that matter.

As I am now more suspicious - where would I get hold of "spy" software?

neetsmassi, two points. Firstly, please believe this was spam. It sounds exactly like spam and I get tons of it. You do NOT have to give your address to or even access a porn website to get it - and that's a fact. I start every working day by deleting endless messages offering to introduce me to Russian virgins or have my penis enlarged. Ignore it and get on with your life.
Secondly, if you do ever divorce, do read the thread about women abandoned by their mothers. Is is emphatically not a good thing to do. There is a lot of research and psychologically children are FAR, FAR better off if they continue to see both parents after divorce (provided neither was abusive). I have a lovely, lovely stepdaughter who we see alternate weekends and for holidays. She is just wonderful, well adjusted, happy and social, and for her to be deprived of either parent would have been devastating for her in every possible way. It is NOT a healthy thing to do to force a child to choose just because you don't like the child's other parent. You do not stop being a parent when you stop being a husband or wife. If you never saw your child again just because you didn't trust your husband you would damage her in the most horrific way for the rest of her life. Don't even think like this.

I'd step back a bit. To quote Aloha, you might be catastrophizing (he's looking at porn, he doesn't love me, we should divorce).

Porn is just porn - so long as its not kiddies or anything. My DH rents cars every week from Sixt and they have always left magazines in there for him - I guess as a loyalty thing - but in the last couple of months they started leaving Playboy in discreet envelope for him (that's Germany for you - wouldn't yanks have a fit given their tendency to overeact to one boob flash hee hee). My DH obviously felt uncomfortable about it and tells me every time it happens. I have had a flick through them and a bit of a giggle and have decided not to worry about it.

And I do think that the other e-mail might well be spam.

How was your relationship before this incident. Can't you just talk about how you guys are going without necessarily referring to these items.

TTC for such a long time can also put a lot of strain on a relationship - not to mention the stress on the individuals. He might be feeling like 'less of a man' because he can't get you pregnant etc. Also the pressure of being the major breadwinner can also get men down I think.

Good Luck

Oh, I hope I didn't make people think the porn browsing was related to the email. My husband looks at porn on the computer (and he just loves me telling you all that, not! but it's relevant..) and we get the same old same old spam. If it's the only bit of spam on that account I'd be suspicious, if not, I wouldn't. Ask to see his junk emails if you're worried. But don't panic if that particular email isn't there. It'll be obvious if people have him on a to-be-spammed list from the numbers of emails he receives.

But I do think if he's looking at porn and it bothers you, then he should stop. He did seem to be trying to hide it by deleting the relevant bits of history.

In the long run, I think being accusing him falsely and building a whole other life (eg you guys divorcing, having to give up your daughter), even in fantasy or preparation or whatever, will be more harmful than anything else. It seems to be your insecurity re fidelity that is driving this. Lots of guys look at porn and are faithful (well, that depends on your definition, but there are whole threads on that). He's not your father or your father in law, but your husband. If this is all that's happened, I think he deserves your trust.

While I'm pretty sure my marriage could survive an affair (although I hope it never has to), I would be seriously concerned about dh installing spy software on our computer. Why were you checking his work email anyway?

I honestly think you need to work on the trust issues between you. That means you are going to need his support, so talk to him about it.

I have to agree with Flamingo, although don't tell my husband (joke, guys). But I'd never get over the spy software thing. It's very controlling and subversive. It's extremely thin evidence you're going with and if you're wrong the consequences could be tragic.

But you should tell him that him lying about the porn has led to this. From your post, it does seem that the combination of the two has you worried.

Just as an aside, guys do look at porn and don't go further from there, usually. If it bothers you, it does and he should stop it. But I think it's a natural urge. And it's natural for him to want you not to be upset by it, but still do it (by deleting files).. iyswim. Not great, but certainly not unforgivable.

I hear what you are all saying re the spy software - but it is difficult not to be suspicious. I am going to leave things as they are for now but perhaps just a little less trusting than I used to be - nothing too heavy though. I need to try to move on and I can't do that if I spy on him. So sorry to hear your story beentheredonethat but I have to believe it was spam and in my heart I do believe that he has not met up with anyone and the more I read about Spam the more I am willing to believe it was spam.

Flamingo the reason I read his work email was because he has one of those wireless PDA things that collects his work emails and it went off when I was in the kitchen getting DD's milk at 7 o'clock in the morning on sunday - we are not supposed to have secrets between us and I was curious as to who would be emailing him at 7 o'clock on a sunday morning.

Once again big thank you to you all for taking time to read and add comments/experiences - it really does help. LOL to all.

Remind yourself of the timing again: spam typically arrives at 7am. Please don't freak yourself into unnnecessary problems about this, Neets.

I know that men look at porn and that does not lead to affairs. I gave neetsmassi advice based on my situation. I find it insulting and naive to have someone say:
"I honestly think you need to work on the trust issues between you." I know this wasn't directed at me, but I did trust my husband, and I did think that an affair would not be the end to our relationship, it was he who refused to be honest with me and trust me to handle what he was going through. I saw him acting distant and guilty and when I was not getting honest answer that's when I went looking for proof. I don't want to hijak this message, this is about neetmassi. She asked for advice and I gave it to her. But I just wanted to say this as I think it is naive to say if you had better trust in your marriage you wouldn't be going through this...and if you google spy software all sorts of programs come up.