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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

343 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 10:14

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Portofino · 15/09/2013 17:26

OTBT is NOT invisible. You just can't google it.

prettywhiteguitar · 15/09/2013 17:27

Honestly say no and sleep somewhere away from him

You can do that it's your right

prettywhiteguitar · 15/09/2013 17:27

Yeah but not as many go there

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 17:28

It's not that hidden on otbt. I think I could still get found there.

Yes my priorities are wrong. I don't doubt that. But 4 years of on/off therapy has taught me that actually it's ok for me to look nice. That I don't have to be invisible. I'm not letting him take that from me as well.

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 15/09/2013 17:29

Oxford what a brilliant post - you are absolutely right, being abused DOES make you as narcissistic as the abuser. Fantastic point.

OP, it is like the frog in hot water, isn't it? You become used to it, and the temperature goes up, and you get used to that.

Hang in there, love, you will get there. Did his cruelty just leave you with loathing? I always did love Mr W and love a bit of it so am slightly puzzled as to the complete repulsion.

Portofino · 15/09/2013 17:30

So OP can be persuaded to satisfy everyone's curiosity by telling what she doesn't want to post perchance?

MatildaWhispers · 15/09/2013 17:31

Have you not already been saying no though? I am confused as I thought you said the tension in the house is because you aren't having sex with him? Confused

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 17:32

Yes the love just died. I woke up one day and it was like living with a stranger. I tried so hard to get it back again but I couldn't. For a long time I saw it as my fault, that I was wrong. But I think I just finally decided I was worth something and that opened my eyes to realise my DC deserved more and that was a huge waKe up call.

OP posts:
Charlottehere · 15/09/2013 17:32

Your children aren't having a happy homelife, this situation will be affecting them deeply. Children feel things...your not fooling anyone. Sad

Buzzardbird · 15/09/2013 17:33

Have you tried standing up for yourself? Refuse sex point blank and do not allow him to get away with insulting you? Stand your ground and let him know you have had enough. You don't say he is violent so why not?

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 17:33

I'm curious, but I don't think the OP should divulge anything she doesn't want to.

OP, why can't you refuse sex? Why can't we all just discuss ways to cope with his arseyness?

Havea0 · 15/09/2013 17:34

I agree with you about looking nice. If that helps your self esteem, you go girl!

OFBT is not invisible. But it does not appear on active, so if someone wanted to find you, it just makes things that little bit more difficult.

dreamingbohemian · 15/09/2013 17:34

No, don't let him take that away from you.

Of course you can say no. Has your counsellor not worked on this with you? It's the most important thing really. You only have to have sex when YOU want to. It is not an obligation. Marital rape is a crime. If you want to move into another room and sleep there and never touch him again, that is your right. If he doesn't like it, he can leave but he cannot force you to do anything you don't want to do.

So let him sulk and pout and make remarks. Who cares what he thinks about anything? Let him be a miserable jerk. You're planning to get out.

You would be far better off practicing how to tune out his remarks and acts, rather than practicing how to cope with having sex you don't want.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 17:36

You don't have to consent to the emotional abuse, either. You can roll your eyes and walk away. You can stop reacting to the comments. Not easy, but better than Dettol baths.

Havea0 · 15/09/2013 17:36

Can I ask, very gently, if you were abused or sexually abused as a child? Dont answer that if you dont want to.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 17:38

Yes I was. Both.

So I should be able to cope with this. But I can't because it triggers it all back again.

OP posts:
KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 17:39

What does he do to the kids in order to try and manipulate you.

CailinDana · 15/09/2013 17:39

Do you think a wife hasn't got the right to refuse sex?

forumdonkey · 15/09/2013 17:41

I find this so difficult having been there to read your posts.

I suspect others like me are at a loss at your decision. If its as bad as you describe, you already know you want to LTB, you have told people in RL and sought and got their support why you are not looking to leave this dire situation ASAP instead you are waiting for another 2 years?? BTW I don't believe for a second that leaving would 'destroy your children's lives irrevocably'.

Trust me when I say if you are being EA within a marriage 24/7 it is hell on earth so much so I took my seat belt off and nearly drove my car into a wall, so when I read that you have RL support and want to go but for some 'mystery' reason won't for even more years I'm finding it hard to sympathise and support your decision to put yourself and your DC's through this for another 2 years.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 17:41

He doesn't do anything. He just won't engage with them. But if I agree to it then he's like father of the year for a week or so afterwards. And that makes them so happy.

I think a wife should have the right to say no. But should she say no if everybody is happier if she says yes?

OP posts:
MarianneEnjolras · 15/09/2013 17:46

Of course she should say no!

He is the one making everyone unhappy. I really can't think of anything at all that is worth putting your children through another two years of misery. You may think they don't notice, but they will.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 17:48

She absolutely should say no.

If he ignores them, so be it. Ultimately, he will behave towards them according to his love, or lack of, for them. It's his responsibility to be a loving father.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 15/09/2013 17:50

Op - perhaps look at it this way - Imagine you have a daughter, who you love, nurture and cherish all her life, and she grows up and somehow she finds herself in your situation.

She asks how to grit her teeth and bear having sex with someone who hates her and who knows she doesn't want it, and she gives the same reasons as your reasons are now.

Would you help her find ways to make it easier for her to do what she thinks she ought to do and let a man violate her?

Or would you try and help her find another way?

dreamingbohemian · 15/09/2013 17:51

Yes, she should still say no. You are just as important as everyone else.

The right thing to do in this situation is not give in to sex, but to leave as soon as you can so that you are no longer forced to make that decision.

We all want to make our kids happy but you do not have to make such a huge sacrifice. There are lots of ways for kids to be happy.

Xenadog · 15/09/2013 17:53

OP you have decided on your course of action and nothing said on here has changed your mind even though I believe you have received a great deal of sensible, sensitive and considered advice.

By all means stay with this abusive man but rest assured your children will realise something terrible is going on and this will damage them. Much, if not more, than you leaving.

So you need to know how to get on with it- if it was me I would draw up a contract with how often, what you will do and won't do and stipulate a condom, breath freshened etc, whatever you need.

You are basically whoring yourself out to this man and if that's something you accept then fine - make sure that the cost of this is worth it in the long run. Obviously it's not just you paying this price though is it? BTW I know this sounds judgemental and I don't really want to but I'd do think your judgement is skewed.