Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

Find, not fond, sorry.

OK, although your situation is clearly crazy to any external onlooker, I do appreciate that you probably don't think it is.

I have done something similar, and when I did it I had two different strategies. In a sober state, I managed to disengage from the act totally, told myself I was being strong and that I could just 'get through it' somehow. That it was just my body and not 'me' that was affected. My other strategy was alcohol.

However, I can't stress enough how much I wish I hadn't put myself through that. I thought it would
not really affect me, but it had a massive impact. You will teach yourself how to dissociate, and although it starts off as just a way to get through sex you donot want, ultimately it does really affect your mental health. You may find that you end up dissociating more and more to cope with life, especially if your husband is abusive in other ways.

You can leave, you really can, even if you don't think you can.

If you teach yourself to cope like this you will look back at some point in the future and wonder what the fuck you were doing.

It is something to do with, when one of the children is 8. Cant quite remember why.

Drop. Coping strategies. On what planet is a coping strategy to get drunk, or use condoms or whatever. What do you think this poor woman is actually feeling.
Feelings matter a great deal.
People have breakdowns, get depression, may start hearing voices, or goodness knows what else, because they are not properly dealing with thier feelings.

And yet some posters are supporting this.

The bit I do agree with is is that there is no point in asking her why she is acting how she is.

How old are your DC op?

My parents had a horrible abusive co-dependant relationship. They split when I was 9 and DM married again to someone even more abusive than df.

I have no respect for my DM, I don't like her very much and I only recently stopped feeling overwhelming hate, anger and grief as she didn't put our, or her, emotional safety and well-being first.

You may think you can shield your DC from the true nature of their df, but you are kidding yourself. If he really dislikes you the way you say he does, then he will find another outlet for it if you start having regular sex with him.

If you go ahead with your plan to stay put for a couple of years it is highly likely that you will be so emotionally spent with your abusive relationship that there will be little left for your DC. I have very few memories of my DM being 'present' and emotionally available to me. That hurts me more than any beating, verbal assault, or sexual interference from anyone else.

Teach your DC how to respect oneself and stop putting up with this.

I actually think that the op will not be able to cope. I don't think she can go cold blooded and just deal with it, however much she might try.

I also think that if she did do it, her husband would just up the ante. Maybe by demanding unpleasant acts, or greater frequency. Because if what he wants is to hurt her, then he will keep pushing until he finds a nerve.

You said you are staying for the children. How is that manifesting itself when their "father" IS HORRIBLE to them and is treating their mother as if they are worthless.

OP ... leaving aside the question of why you can't leave - would you consider printing this thread out and showing it to your counsellor? She knows your circumstances and we don't, but she needs to know what your countenancing.

I am NOT the poster you are presuming I am. It has nothing to do with one of my DC being 8.

I'm sorry I'm not instantly LTB as would seem the obvious thing to many. I could leave but it would cause a huge amount of damage and at the moment I perceive this course of action to be the best open to me.

I'm working, I'm saving, I'm planning. I'm not sitting here unsure what to do, I'm doing the best I can with the situation I have. And it's messed up and complicated, the few people I have told in RL take a while to get their heads round it but then agree that I have to stay for now.

Thank you to those of you who have PMed me with suggestions and to the help I've had on here from everyone, even those who can't understand what the hell I'm doing. I still appreciate it all.

Staying is causing much more damage than leaving would.

Please don't prostitute yourself anymore with this abuser.

The only thing I can think of is that there's going to be some new law passed, here or abroad that will help/save/protect you all and you're waiting for that.

You should still LTB. The more you deny your own needs and humanity, the more you will break down when you finally leave, and you won't be there for your children.

I don't believe you will leave him, however. Ever. I think that the next two years of debasing yourself and dissociating will make you incapable of it. I think you might believe you are going to lesve in 2 years, but I believe it is just an elaborate coping mechanism you are using. You get relief and a sense of control amidst the abuse, to tell yourself that there is a time limit to it all. But if you really were going to leave, you would have done, or you would be doing, now. There simply is no reason that makes it impossible or destructive. And if people you are telling agree with you about the 2 yr thing, then I bet you are not telling them the whole picture. I bet they don't know about the dettol baths.

If it is money related it is not worth it.
If it is power related, it is not worth it.
If it is religious related, you can seperate which you all ready know.

In fact, I cannot think of a single reason why it would be better to stay.

Quite apart form the sex, you say that he is EA[presumably to you], and makes your skin crawl.

He is damaging you now. And you know that.

Sorry. Even if you choose to stay, I cant bring myself to offer suggestions about the best way to do it. I would then be in a position of not feeling right myself.

Glad to hear you are working and saving and planning toast. I hope you can leave some day. hopefully you will find a way to make it a little sooner.

Can we at least revisit the idea of staying, but not having sex? I really think if you are taking Dettol baths, then you will not be able to emotionally cope.

So, you say that he becomes a jerk if you don't give in. I wonder if you wouldn't be better trying to manage that issue.

If he's a politician (and this is the only scenario I can think of that makes sense with the two year limit) then I think you overestimate how much interest there would be in a common or garden divorce. You can leave and do all of this without airing any dirty laundry.

I suspect people agree you "have to stay for now" are doing so because they are hearing your skewed interpretation, or they do not have the energy to argue with you.

He's not a politician. That is not the scenario at all.

I get that people here can't understand it. But people I know do. Because they know the reason and know they would do the same.

Obviously if life becomes intolerable for my DC I will cut my losses and go. My head isn't in the sand over this. I'm constantly keeping on top of the situation and monitoring it.

I cannot believe that any posters here would actually offer practical solutions to help this man RAPE his wife. WTAF!

Here is my guess:

he has equity in s'thing and in 2 years time there will be an IPO. If she D's him now she missed out on the shares.

OK, Strawberry, why don't you just fantasise when it is happening? Pretend it is not him, but someone who really is loving and kind and gentle. If the payoff/wait is important, once every 2 weeks is worth it.

What got the scales off your eyes?

WTF WellWobbly

I thought you were talking to me then .

Please use the OP abbreviation or name.

Sex without full, non coerced consent is RAPE. Think when posting what you would say if this was Your daughter FFS.

Will you gain financially if you stick it out for 2 years?

Then again you say you've asked him to leave and he won't so if he left today everything would be ok but if you left it wouldn't?

If it's some sort of weird pre nup thing I'd speak to your solicitor, it may not be enforceable.

Otherwise I'm it's not making sense why you feel you have to stay

Hope you find a solution x

So you can cut your losses and go

I don't know why you would do so if it becomes intolerable for your DC but not for yourself.

Actually, I suspect it's because your self-esteem has been so destroyed by years of emotional abuse that you don't think you deserve it. Or because you were raised with very unhealthy family dynamics. Either way, I hope at some point you realise that you do not have to make this sacrifice. I cannot believe the people telling you to stay know everything.

I've no doubt I will gain financially if I wait but that isn't my reason for staying. Money isn't what is at stake.

I've tried the fantasising but it's just wrong. I'd rather just switch off from it. I guess the scales fell off when I started going to counselling when I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was a useless wife and mother apparently and I went there as a last resort and in the hope the counsellor might be able to tell me how I could get better at those roles. It took a bit of chipping away for her to make me realise actually I was conditioned to think that but it wasn't the case at all.

Dreaming - yes the people advising me do know everything. They also know as I do, that my self esteem is low and my family dynamics are pretty poor. Nonetheless I still think my plan is right for us. There's a chance I could be wrong I will admit that, but it's a chance I have to take.