Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

Op. yes you can say no.
And i think you should try it.

You can change your mind. but you could try saying no for a while and see what happens. him ignoring the kids is annoying and frustrating and upsetting but not that big a deal there are worse things and it will probably make things easier when you do leave if he has not being playing Disney dad before hand.

There are several posters on the EA thead who for various reasons are forced to stay inthe house with their abuser but who do not engage with them. they live separate lives under the same roof.that may be a way forwards.

Give yourself permission to try saying no.

You have a reason that makes you want to stay and you have decided that is a good enough reason.
But having sex just because he will be a bit nicer to the kids is not a good enough reason to put yourself through dettol baths and the risk of PTSD and break down.

I really do feel for you OP. i know this thread/reactions on it may seem harsh or strong. posters are not angry WITH you they are angry and shocked and outraged FOR you.

And they are desperate to help.

Please try saying no. give yourself permission to try.

Y'see, if just living with the EA got you to 'the verge of a nervous breakdown', I don't think throwing two years of coerced sex into the mix is going to help you at all. It really could be the final straw for your mental health.

Have you considered that possibility in your planning?

I can understand how if you have a history of sexual abuse, you feel like you can be tough and put up with so much. Because your bar is set so low, it probably doesn't seem that bad to you to put yourself through the unwanted sex. If you have had to train yourself to switch off during previous abuse then it may not seem that bad to you if your husband's mood will improve for a while if you go through with it.

But honestly this will drive you crazy. With your history of abuse it is a total recipe for disaster.

Have you had any contact with WA? If you were able to meet up with someone from your local WA I doubt they would endorse your plan. And ime they are very straight talking and would help you to see and recognize your needs in a relationship much faster than a counsellor would (because the counsellor would be waiting for you to realize stuff for yourself whereas WA I found reacted to my situation in a more direct way).

If you do choose to post more there would be lots of support for you on MN.

Also MissStrawberry the poster you mentioned with the 5 or 6 threads is indeed in a much better place now.

All the best, OP.

I really hope you take some of the advice and support offered here. Your situation is truly terrible, but what's good is that you do have the power to change it, even if you can't see that at the minute.

Good luck.

If you can say no safely, then can you just try saying no and see what happens. Or fabricate reasons to stay up later than him at night, or go to bed earlier?

Also, I don't mean this to sound patronizing in any way, but you do realize that if he doesn't actually need sex to relax. Nor do you need to have sex with him as any kind of 'payment'. You don't owe him any sex even if you feel like you do.

This is just too bonkers, you need to be out of this vile situation, not finding ways to stay in it.

Thanks for that MW. I appreciate you letting me know .

I'm with Cailin. no way on earth should any one post or PM suggestions that "ease" the rape of a woman, no matter what she says she might want. This thread is tragic

And you never know WHO is reading this.

OP, if you could get out safely tomorrow would you?

If I posted anything to help you deal with having sex you don't want I would consider myself to be colluding in your rape. I think the majority of posters feel the same. Could I suggest you speak to WA and/or Rape Crisis.

And in the name of sanity do not google it.

Look, this is NOT rape. It is somebody who doesnt really fancy somebody having sex with that person. Deeply unpleasant, yes, rape, no. The OP, as far as i can tell, is looking for practical, hands on advice and, dare i say, some moral support. Those crying rape and suggesting WA etc might be making themselves feel better but they are not helping the OP one IOTA.

Age, non consensual sex IS Rape.

Ugh.

Coerced sex is rape.

If op feels she has to have sex with this arsewipe to protect her children, that is rape.

Having sex with a man who disgusts you and makes your skin crawl to the extent where you're asking for advice on how to endure it is not at all comparable to having sex when you simply don't fancy someone.

Wikipedia
Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse, which is initiated by one or more persons against another person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority or against a person who is incapable of valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, or below the legal age of consent.[1][2][3][4]

Now, as far as i am aware, the OP is consenting. She has her reasons for doing so which she doesnt wish to digress. To suggest this is rape is actually an insult to women who HAVE been raped. Btw, i am not defending this bloke here or trying to minimise this hideous situation. But, let's just deal in the facts.

Those crying rape

age please don't use the expression crying rape it is inappropriate, incorrect and deeply offensive.

Age, quite a few of te examples given in that definition of rape have actually featured in the op's posts. Have you actually read the thread?

I'm afraid that I can't give you any advice about how to tolerate being raped by your partner.

From what you've indicated I can only surmise that the reason you are staying is in some way linked to financial security. Is any amount of money, or happy faces round the dinner table worth this?

I really hope that you leave him and can lead a peaceful life.

Turn of phrase mrsmink, offence intended to nobody although i strongly suspect you know that

I have read it Roz yes. I think it is very sad.

Age, you are missing the coercion part.