Help needed- am I blowing this out of proportion? I think I want to LTB.

[Neonbabyblue]

Sorry that this will be long...

DP and I have been together 3 years. We have a 1.5 year old DD. The pregnancy wasn't planned but we adore her and are grateful to have her.

For the most part, DP is a good partner. He provides for is financially, does his share of the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc.

BUT he is a disaster when he goes out drinking.

He disappeared until 5am when I was 38 weeks pg. I found him asleep on the doorstep with torn clothes. He has no idea where he was.

There was the time when he left the front door wide open and passed out on the floor.

Or when we missed his friends birthday lunch as he was too busy throwing up having had a heavy night beforehand.

Then last night he went out with his boss (who is known to be a big drinker). I told him to remember that he was looking after DD all day today (I work every Saturday).

He rolled in at 1am completely drunk. He vomited on the front door and all over the carpet in the hall. He then grabbed the console table to try and get up off the floor and in doing so tipped it over completely. This woke myself and DD who was then screaming hysterically.

I went downstairs to see he wasn't injured (and what the noise was) and was faced with him unconscious in a pool of his own vomit. Dd was still screaming, I tried to rouse him and couldn't so left DD screaming in her cot and put him into recovery position, picked up broken things from the floor.

It then took me 2 hours to settle DD, the poor little thing was petrified and shaking. It was awful.

This morning I got up for work, he was still on the floor. I woke him and told him to get in the shower and sort himself out. He was so pissed he was slurring his words and then proceded to try and put clothes on dd over the nappy from the night before.

I ended up having to drive DD to my heavily pg friends house and she looked after her so I could work (thought I was going to have to call in sick)

Heard nothing from him all day. For home to find he had left DD with my friend all day, the house still in its ruined state and a hungry DD.

The downstairs is ruined. The carpet is stained with god knows what, I've scrubbed it several times and it won't come out. The walls are ruined- covered in stains and hand prints. It's a rented house and the landlord is going to go mental (rightly)

What the hell do I do?! I can't respect him anymore. I hate him for putting his night out ahead of our daughter. I am sitting here looking at rental flats and trying to think if/how I couldn't manage if I left.

I feel so sad and alone.

Fwiw he went out again tonight, lasted an hour then came home and went to be because he felt "guilty"

I hate him for putting his night out ahead of our daughter.

This is not about a night out. He has an alcohol problem. He probably thinks he doesn't (nor, I suspect, do you?) because he doesn't drink every day but this is having a very severe impact on his family life and it most definitely a problem. You should take it seriously because I don't think he is ready to.

I think you need to look at the Al-Anon website and see what resonates. Then you tell your friends and family honestly what has been happening. You have no reason to lie, no reason to cover for him, and every reason to shine a light on this as part of your own recovery from it.

And then you tell him to get the fuck out. This is not about a few messy nights out. The fact he went out again tonight says everything you need to know; he didn't come back out of guilt, he came back because he couldn't hack a second night on the piss.

Your landlord won't be pleased but he has your deposit to cover this kind of damage. You need to walk away.

Living with this man will emotionally damage your child for life. A man whose behaviour leaves his child trembling and screaming in fear for hours, and everything else you describe, is not fit to be a father.

All the good stuff about him, all the good stuff he does counts for absolutely nothing in terms of how Dd will be affected by his drinking. It obliterates everything.

Your house is disgusting because of him, he prioritises drinking over his partner and child. And every time you just clean up, you enable him. Oh, not deliberately, and of course, it's easy for me to say that, but it is the truth. It's not your fault he is making you and DD live like this, but it is your choice to keep the both of you in a life with this man wrecking your home and emotions. By staying, and cleaning, you give him the message that what he does is okay, really. And you know it is not.

He clearly has very serious alcohol problems. Alcoholism doesn't mean someone who drinks every day. You cannot and will not help him by staying and hoping and trying to help. Only he can help himself. Maybe he will never want to help himself. The only people you can help are yourself and DD.

You say you don't know how you would cope on your own, but how could it be harder than tolerating this? The stress and worry and disgust, etc., his behaviour creates in you will be making you feel like you can't cope, but you can, and you know, deep down, that you must.

I really feel sorry for you, what a fool to put boozing above a lovely partner and child.

No you are not blowing this out of proportion. It's not a one off. He has a drink problem. Yes, you should leave him, or preferably he should leave, and go and sort himself out. What are the financial implications? Can you afford to rent by yourself?

I can't even look at him today. Dd must know something is wrong as she is very clingy.

I think he has a huge problem- I can see that and I fear what will happen next. All I could think last night was please god don't let him get up and decide to make a snack etc. he'll burn the place down.

Everyone else (my mum, sister, friends) seem to think I am over-reacting. Boys will be boys and all that. But this isn't just having a couple too many.

I am afraid I won't cope as I have no family close by- they are 6 hours away. I do have lovely friends here but I don't want to take advantage.

It's his birthday today and he hasn't even looked at his cards/presents.

Xposted majestic

I work in a good profession so can more than sort myself financially. It would be tight with childcare costs but I would ask him for maintenance.

Worryingly we are in the middle of buying a house- no contracts or cash exchanged yet however. The deposit was money which I inherited but is in the joint account.

How old is he?

This man has a serious drinking problem.its just not a night out with him taking it to such extremes.
He's proving that you cannot rely on him, he is irresponsible and not a supporting partner. Knowing that he had to take care of your dd and you had to work he totally didn't care.

You can need to make plans to leave. He is bringing this behaviour to your home, your dd being terrified and him doing this so often.if you choose to help him get some support for his alcoholism then you can but he needs to be away from you.

This is unacceptable and your dd doesn't need to suffer , and you don't deserve it.

Move that cash.
You may work this out, but just to be safe....

It is common in this country for alcohol problems to be trivialised and regarded as a source of humour, although I dare say you wouldn't be getting the same kind of comments if it was you who'd come in in the middle of the night, thrown up all over the hall, smashed a table and caused your dd to scream for 2 hours, abandoned her care for the whole of the following day and then gone out on the piss again, leaving him to clear up all the mess.

If this is the first time you have told them the full extent of it, it may take them a while to accept this is not just 'boys will be boys'.

You need to lean on your friends - you are having a crisis. Thankfully you can walk away from the house purchase at this stage, without having to make any long term decisions about your relationship if you don't want to. But there is nothing about this guy that sounds like putting all of your inheritance into a property with him would be the right thing to do right now. Pulling out of the house sale will send an unequivocal message that you are seriously considering ending the relationship because of his drink problem. He can choose what steps to take next.

I would take whatever steps you can (I know nothing about buying houses or legal stuff, so sadly am pretty useless to you), to protect your inheritance and not to go ahead with buying a new house with him.

You want him gone (he is a waste of space, is a danger to your family), and to find out what your finances will be so you can buy a place for just you and DD.

So sorry OP.

Get that money back now and get away. You can talk about him getting proper help and THEN getting back together(if that's what you want), but stay away until it's safe for you and your dd. Good luck, sorry you're going through this.

Transfer that cash out of the joint account immediately and pull out of the sale. Even if you do work this out,now isn't the time to buy a house.
.You cant trust him to look after your DD, he can't be there when you need him.

This will not improve unless he admits drinking is a problem. If and when that happens in the future you can think about sorting this out.

For the moment, you need to protect your DD.

You are so doing the right thing. It's not overreacting at all. :(

He may well have a problem, but his problem is negatively affecting his daughter - he absolutely needs to move out until such time as this is sorted. If you decide before this point that there is no future for you then that is absolutely your right, and is an unfortunate consequence for him of his alcoholism.

It's an awful illness but it's one he needs to take responsibility for himself. You are doing the right thing by taking responsibility for your DD when he can't in his current state of mind.

I also agree you should take the money out of the joint account - it's your inheritance and you need it for your DD as well. If he has access to it in his current condition you know where it will go, unfortunately.

It's not boys will be boys at all. Maybe if he was 18 and unaware of his drinking limits. Even then ruining carpets, walls and furniture is not on. And he has a child now - he can't look after her when he's like this. It's not fair to her. My friend's dad was an alcoholic. As a teenager, she used to wake up when he stumbled in at some ungodly hour, see him crashed out on the sofa and go back to bed frightened that he wouldn't wake up in the morning because he would choke on his own vomit or finally have drunk himself to death :( No child should have to live with that fear.

I agree with the others.

Transfer your inheritance money out of that account immediately.

It will really help to set you and your daughter up elsewhere.

You can't bring your dd up in the same house as someone with a serious drinking problem.

You never, ever know how someone will behave when you leave them, so get all your share of the money out of that account and then ask the bank to freeze it (so he can't run up debt you are jointly liable for).

I'm afraid I think you need to start looking for a rental place or even small purchase for you and your dd. In your sole name.

So sorry you're in this situation.

Boys will be boys? What utter bullshit. I have two boys and if either came home to my house, threw up all over the carpet and walls, broke furniture, fell asleep on the floor in their own vomit and woke up still drunk, I would go absolutely bat shit crazy. If this behaviour was regular they would no longer be welcome to live in my home.
This is how I would react to my children. If it was my partner a grown man with responsibilities to me and our children, I would be beyond fuming. Your partners behaviour is disgusting and dangerous to your child as well as selfish. TBH I struggle to see how anyone can love someone like this. He clearly loves alcohol more than he does either you or your child.

And yes before you do anything else move your money. Immediately.

Please please please tell this man to get out of your house.
My father was an alcoholic.
It is horrific to watch. The fear / worry of a phone call from the police or similar described by a poster above is indescribable.

Please get your money and tell him to get out.

Knowing that you had to work and he was meant to take dare of DD and still doing that is a sign he is NOT in control of his drinking.

Please ignore family/friends who try to minimise this sort of behaviour. It is NOT normal.

Please.

OP, you're not blowing anything out of proportion. Everyone has had "one too many"... Puked, fallen over, had memory blanks, etc.

The difference is, normally this happens when we're single in our 20's. When there's a child involved, it's an absolute no-no!

Did he clean up after himself the next day at all? It sounds not from your post... If I'd done as you describe, even once, I would be grovelling on my knees for forgiveness, and making amends in whatever way I could. My wife would be beyond furious (rightly so).

Thankfully, you're in a position to sort things out now, so that you aren't completely financially tied-in to this relationship. Move the money for the house now into your own account. Forget about house purchases.

Only you can decide whether to LTB or not, but I would advise anyone NOT to remain in a relationship with someone who has a problem with alcohol. The fact he went on the piss the night before looking after your DC is a MASSIVE red flag. The fact he even thought about going out the next night shows he has no respect for you.

sorry but my gut says take the money and move. If or when he agrees he has a problem and can stay sober then you can talk about the future.

Do what you can to get him help, support him but do what YOU have to for your daughter.

Just a thought but have you ever filmed him in one of these states....then show him.

Sorry you're in this situation OP. I think you present him with a bald choice i.e either he quits drinking completely and seeks help for alcohol abuse or you and your DD are out of the door. Hope for the former but plan - especially financially - for the latter.

He's an alcoholic. Don't listen to the people around you minimising this because

1. they would prefer you to stay together, for various reasons
2. there is a massive drink culture in the UK which diminishes alcohol problems

Leave him. Seriously. Addicts need to hit rock bottom before they can confront their behaviour. He may be able to change but he won't while the veneer of normality is being maintained by you helping him brush this under the carpet.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I can only reiterate what the others have written. Time to walk away from this as of now. He has to date dragged you and your child down with him.

This is not going to end well for either you or your DD if you stay with this man. All you are to this person is his enabler and you have enabled his behaviour to date. Doing so has only given you a false sense of control and has certainly not helped him.

I would also read up on co-dependency so you do not fall into the same sort of trap again. I state that as there are often elements of co-dependency within these types of dysfunctional relationships.

If you truly love this man you will leave him now. It is also NOT your role to get him help and support, besides which he does not want your help!!. He has to want to help his own self, you cannot influence that process in any way.

Neon, he needs to understand just how serious this is, because it is. I would've been tempted to send for an ambulance when he was passed out just so that hopefully he would've got a lecture from the doctors. Filming him and then showing him how bad he was might give him a wake-up call too. But ultimately only he can decide to change his behaviour.

Please put all plans to buy a property with him on hold until this is sorted though; move your money so it's safe. Kick him out, either permanently or until he has got help for his drinking problem, but make it clear you will not tolerate this any more. I'm not getting the sense from your posts that you've bent his ear over this or that you've made him fix the damage he's done out of his own pocket. If you haven't then it's not helping.