Help needed- am I blowing this out of proportion? I think I want to LTB.

[Neonbabyblue]

Sorry that this will be long...

DP and I have been together 3 years. We have a 1.5 year old DD. The pregnancy wasn't planned but we adore her and are grateful to have her.

For the most part, DP is a good partner. He provides for is financially, does his share of the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc.

BUT he is a disaster when he goes out drinking.

He disappeared until 5am when I was 38 weeks pg. I found him asleep on the doorstep with torn clothes. He has no idea where he was.

There was the time when he left the front door wide open and passed out on the floor.

Or when we missed his friends birthday lunch as he was too busy throwing up having had a heavy night beforehand.

Then last night he went out with his boss (who is known to be a big drinker). I told him to remember that he was looking after DD all day today (I work every Saturday).

He rolled in at 1am completely drunk. He vomited on the front door and all over the carpet in the hall. He then grabbed the console table to try and get up off the floor and in doing so tipped it over completely. This woke myself and DD who was then screaming hysterically.

I went downstairs to see he wasn't injured (and what the noise was) and was faced with him unconscious in a pool of his own vomit. Dd was still screaming, I tried to rouse him and couldn't so left DD screaming in her cot and put him into recovery position, picked up broken things from the floor.

It then took me 2 hours to settle DD, the poor little thing was petrified and shaking. It was awful.

This morning I got up for work, he was still on the floor. I woke him and told him to get in the shower and sort himself out. He was so pissed he was slurring his words and then proceded to try and put clothes on dd over the nappy from the night before.

I ended up having to drive DD to my heavily pg friends house and she looked after her so I could work (thought I was going to have to call in sick)

Heard nothing from him all day. For home to find he had left DD with my friend all day, the house still in its ruined state and a hungry DD.

The downstairs is ruined. The carpet is stained with god knows what, I've scrubbed it several times and it won't come out. The walls are ruined- covered in stains and hand prints. It's a rented house and the landlord is going to go mental (rightly)

What the hell do I do?! I can't respect him anymore. I hate him for putting his night out ahead of our daughter. I am sitting here looking at rental flats and trying to think if/how I couldn't manage if I left.

I feel so sad and alone.

Fwiw he went out again tonight, lasted an hour then came home and went to be because he felt "guilty"

If you are getting a mortgage for the purchase then the lender would have to re underwrite to see if they will lend to you solely and issue an amended offer if so. Don't let that put you off though. Solicitor first thing tomorrow!

I think it's brilliant that he has recognised he has a problem and is willing to do something about it. But would echo the views of others and see what you can do about the house. In my own (unfortunately extensive) experience of someone giving up drink, there can be a lot of false starts, a lot of broken promises and a lot of let downs. As well as many anxious broken nights sleep.

On one memorable falling off the wagon occasion, I really thought I was going to have to tell my children their dad was dead. I was liiterally shaking with fear and anxiety all night. i just didnt see how he could survive. He was absolutely paralytic, had walked out in the countryside, and I thought he was going to lie down in a ditch, get run over or something. He came back about 6 all tattered and torn , God knows where he'd been. He certainly didn't remember.

In actual fact my Ex has now given up drink. But it was a long road, and on it my trust was completely lost.

So, the point I'm making is really- make sure you put you and your daughter first. He really will have to sort his drinking out before he can be part of the happy family. It's just not fair on you two otherwise. If he's reasonable he will see this.

Call the solicitor first thing in the morning, explain that for personal reasons you want to buy on your own, can they get everything changed ASAP. Call the mortgage providor, same conversation.

If there's a natural time to live apart for a while as he's moving to a job further away, it's a good 'excuse' to be apart but together while you see if he means it about not drinking.

Re the house, put an appeal out on facebook for a carpet cleaner (just say something's been spilt if you don't want to discuss it's vom) - you'd be amazed how many people have them (or their parents do) who'll let you borrow one, worth giving it a go before you write off your rental deposit.

I was in a similar situation with exH when DD was a baby. He was a functional alcoholic whom all friends and family knew had a drink problem but no one ever put a name to it before we split.

We were trying to buy a home for which I was stumping up the whole deposit. Luckily (in hindsight) his poor credit rating meant that mortgage companies were not keen to lend to him. I ended up buying a smaller place on my own salary and with only me on the deeds. The mortgage company made him sign something that stated that he had no rights to the property.

A year later, I finally accepted that

• he was either unwilling or unable to quit drinking,
• that it didn't matter which one it was, and,
• that so much damage had been done to our relationship that even if he did quit drinking, I could no longer love or trust him.

Throughout our whole relationship there were lies, hidden bottles, empty promises re AA, counselling, seeking GP help. Occasionally he would break down and cry and renounce alcohol forever. A day or two later he would be blind drunk and giggling at how angry I was.

I realise now that he never really accepted how serious the situation is. He still thinks I'm being unreasonable and over the top in restricting his access to DD unless he's completely sober and they're with other family members.

Friends and family probably don't know anything about alcoholism unless they've experienced it or researched it. If anyone tries to minimise my exH's behaviour, I tell them exactly how many tens of thousands of pounds (of my money, in this case) he spent on booze and rubbish during our relationship, or the negative life impacts for children brought up with alcoholic parents.

That is an encouraging response OP. My dh had a problem very similar to your partner's. Once every 2 - 6 months he would go on a massive bender, staying out until whenever without letting me know when he was returning, come home and vomit everywhere or break things. When he was like this he would be obnoxious, rude and disdainful towards me, totally out of character for him. It was so devestating when he did this. Next day he was always filled with remorse and said he wouldn't do it again. I tried threatening him, threw him out to give him a fright on one occasion, but he moved back in within a month (we both missed each other dreadfully). He was a caring, generous, considerate, loving partner apart from this. We got engaged, then he did it again. I don't know exactly what changed, but he realised the day after this last instance that he could not drink at all anymore. No wine with meals, no beer at the rugby, no boozy nights out. It has suited him so well. He has been more productive, healthier and happier. I know our life would be so different if he had continued drinking. I don't think our relationship would have survived.

I hesitate to post this as I would hate for it to offer you false hope. This is just my experience. My point is, in my experience, the change must come from him. You seem to be handling this very well, by treating his idea with cautious optimism. He will only manage to give up if he decides this for himself. Given that you have a dd to protect, I think it is very wise of you to reconsider buying a house with him just now. I cannot imagine having my dd around if dh behaved as he used to, it would be awful.

Is there anyone your partner knows who has already given up? Dh's dad and a close friend had already given up so this proved to dh it could be done. Also, dh is still quite happy to go on nights out - he enjoys socialising and the banter, he just leaves when it gets messy.