Help needed- am I blowing this out of proportion? I think I want to LTB.

[Neonbabyblue]

Sorry that this will be long...

DP and I have been together 3 years. We have a 1.5 year old DD. The pregnancy wasn't planned but we adore her and are grateful to have her.

For the most part, DP is a good partner. He provides for is financially, does his share of the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc.

BUT he is a disaster when he goes out drinking.

He disappeared until 5am when I was 38 weeks pg. I found him asleep on the doorstep with torn clothes. He has no idea where he was.

There was the time when he left the front door wide open and passed out on the floor.

Or when we missed his friends birthday lunch as he was too busy throwing up having had a heavy night beforehand.

Then last night he went out with his boss (who is known to be a big drinker). I told him to remember that he was looking after DD all day today (I work every Saturday).

He rolled in at 1am completely drunk. He vomited on the front door and all over the carpet in the hall. He then grabbed the console table to try and get up off the floor and in doing so tipped it over completely. This woke myself and DD who was then screaming hysterically.

I went downstairs to see he wasn't injured (and what the noise was) and was faced with him unconscious in a pool of his own vomit. Dd was still screaming, I tried to rouse him and couldn't so left DD screaming in her cot and put him into recovery position, picked up broken things from the floor.

It then took me 2 hours to settle DD, the poor little thing was petrified and shaking. It was awful.

This morning I got up for work, he was still on the floor. I woke him and told him to get in the shower and sort himself out. He was so pissed he was slurring his words and then proceded to try and put clothes on dd over the nappy from the night before.

I ended up having to drive DD to my heavily pg friends house and she looked after her so I could work (thought I was going to have to call in sick)

Heard nothing from him all day. For home to find he had left DD with my friend all day, the house still in its ruined state and a hungry DD.

The downstairs is ruined. The carpet is stained with god knows what, I've scrubbed it several times and it won't come out. The walls are ruined- covered in stains and hand prints. It's a rented house and the landlord is going to go mental (rightly)

What the hell do I do?! I can't respect him anymore. I hate him for putting his night out ahead of our daughter. I am sitting here looking at rental flats and trying to think if/how I couldn't manage if I left.

I feel so sad and alone.

Fwiw he went out again tonight, lasted an hour then came home and went to be because he felt "guilty"

I know that this is hard but move the money into your sole account, open a new one if need be and do not buy this house unless you can get the mortgage and afford all running costs on your own.

He needs the shock of this (not buying house due to consequence of his drinking) to show you ate serious. There will be other houses if he can change otherwise you'll end up n the same position as now but find it much harder to get out of the situation if you want to.

If you own a home together you will not be able to kick him out over this.

Having bought a place with an ex (no DCs) - getting rid of it and the financial links to him took a year.

This is a massive red flag - do not buy the house and he needs to see he has a problem and get it sorted before you even consider getting into a joint purchase.

Obviously if you do decide that this is the final straw and ltb - you would not be making this decision lightly. If he can't put his child over a night out I would have no respect for him either. If you want to keep the house you are in then speak to your landlord and see if you can change the tenancy as he is not a good tenant.

Just to reinforce what everyone is saying: you're not blowing it out of proportion. I've been there too. It's awful. And the only way to deal with it is to get out if it.

Who knows, he may even stop drinking; but that's his decision. At the moment you have to look after your daughter. And you can't do that wondering if he's going to burn the house down.

My exP was a very similar binge drinker. He fell asleep old cold one night with a pan on the gas with our two tiny children in the house. Thank god I discovered it. My dad still thinks I could have "accepted" his drink problem.

Please trust your own feelings and don't be persuaded into downplaying it.

Good luck, I wish you strength. It will be easier when you get out of the situation. I promise. It is anything but normal or a good way to live.

Put your money in an account o ly you can access and go buy a smaller place o. Your own if you can. Or just ltb and rent somewhere. This really cannot continue.

If you do proceed with the purchase make sure this is reflected in the 'share' of the property you own as tenants in common. Talk to the solicitor.

Transfer the money. Do it as soon as possible. You and your dd need that money.

You do not have to be tied to this man. You're relatives might feel that you are overreacting, but it is up to you to decide what you will put up with in your relationship. My aunt and uncle have a similar relationship with alcohol that your partner does. They binge, become incoherent and vomit all over the place. Their behaviour hurts, embarrasses and upsets others. They do this regularly. Their relationship works because they are both willing to accept this behaviour from the other. Neither ever wanted to have children, thank God, so really they exist quite happily. I think it would destroy most people living with the fear and hurt caused by this behaviour.

Hi everyone,

I need to move the money out of the joint account however I think the bank would likely stop such a large transaction so going to go in there tomorrow and talk to them.

He's 31 which is more than old enough to know better- especially given that this has happened before. I very nearly did call an ambulance however as he works at the local hospital (as do a lot of our mutual friends) I thought it would be a tad embarrassing for myself and DD as well. I don't want to out myself but this type of drinking culture is very prevalent in his job role. Many just see it as the pressures of the job.

I took a picture of the mess on my phone actually. I think I may well sent it to him (and I'm actually tempted to send it to my parents and his so they can see the gravity of the situation)

Poor DD doesn't deserve this.

Doesnt matter what your parents think or his parents or him for that matter.

Move your money and leave.

OP she doesn't but be reassured that she won't fully understand what's going on. My father was like your 'D'P and I was really oblivious to it at her age.

Heavy drinking might be normal in his job but the fact is he can't handle it. I seriously doubt all his colleagues vomited this weekend. He needs to accept that something means he can't drink like other people.

Don't think you have to justify any decision you make to your parents, his parents or even him. The only person entitled to decide whst you will tolerate is you.

When my husband and I first got together he had the drinking habits of a single man with no responsibilities. Nothing on the scale of what you describe but just too much, too often with the side effects impacting on our day to day life (hangovers making weekend activities all but impossible). I made it clear his drinking was not acceptable and that if he loved me and wanted to be with me he had to change. That I loved him but he was breaking my heart and I couldn't cope with it. Happily he saw that his behaviour was not sustainable if he wanted a future with me and - eventually - a family. We've been together 4 years and married for one.

If your partner cannot change his behaviour - or even seem to recognise it is unacceptable - for the sake of you and your daughter, I'm sorry to say that you would be very much better off without him.

Best of luck x

Interesting morning,

DP asked if we could talk and I said that I was prepared to hear what he had to say.

He said that he feels his drinking is a problem in that although he doesn't drink often, when he starts he doesn't know when to stop. He described it as getting this "invincible" feeling that leads him to just carry on.

He now thinks the only thing he can do is to stop drinking entirely. He is remorseful for his actions and upset that dd is upset.

Apparently after I took DD and went to work yesterday, he passed out for the rest of the day. That is why none of the mess was sorted. My best friend woke him when she went to drop DD off at 5pm.

I explained that I accept his apology but I won't be exposing DD to this sort of culture or, for that matter, having her realise that our house had a bad atmosphere.

I've told him that I don't think buying a house together is a good idea. I think personally I can press ahead, mortgage it in my name only and live there with DD (haven't told him this- need to look at my own finances)

I think that's a good outcome for today, OP. He needs to see there is a consequence to his behaviour beyond promising that he won't do it again. Withdrawing from the house purchase, at least as a joint venture, is sensible.

Personally I don't think it explains why he went out again last night. Does he have any explanation for that?

How does he propose to stop drinking in a work environment where heavy drinking is prevalent? Is he prepared to take some real steps towards quitting, i.e. going to his GP, self-referring to AA, telling his friends and family that he has a drink problem? Or is this to be 'your little secret'? It categorically will not be sorted out by keeping it a secret.

How does he propose to sort out the mess in the house?

He could start today by reading this book - you can get it for the Kindle for under a fiver. He needs to figure out an action plan and show you how he intends to tackle this problem head on. You need to figure out what you're prepared to do to protect your dd for now.

Yes, that sounds positive.

Especially the bit about not going ahead with buying a house with your money and his name on the deeds at the moment.

I am glad that you have had a chat about the problem. But I do believe you need to move your inheritance back into your own account, and do it soon while he is still remorseful for his actions. It is not your job to look after an alcoholic, your duty is first and foremost to your daughter and your self.
I dont see why a grown man needs so many nights out. If he blames the job, he is in the wrong job.

That does sound good that he recognises it as a problem himself.

How would you feel about him moving out into a rented flat or something while he seeks help with this? Are you at breaking point with the relationship or is it just this particular behaviour? If the second, as he has initiated the discussion on getting help himself, that is positive, but I think that he needs to realise the effect he is potentially having on DD and the strain he is putting on you when you are trying to work and look after DD yourself. I think that a temporary separation/period of living apart would be appropriate while he sorts himself out, just in case. He doesn't know how he will react to cutting out alcohol or how well he will cope with keeping it up.

I think that this sounds promising. I would want to see him make an emergency appointment with his doctor and get to AA before the end of the week.

Whatever you decide to do OP I would move that money asap tomorrow. I would avoid discussing the house purchase or anything else financial before you move the money. He may have the same thoughts and get there first. Once you have the money that you inherited back under your sole control you will have the upper hand.

If they are married, and the money's been in a joint account, is it not now a shared asset?

They're not married are they?

Yes move the money and set up your life for you and dd. Then, if you want, he can be in your life but only on your terms until you are satisfied he is managing his drink problem.

Do not marry him until you can trust and depend on him. I know you haven't mentioned that but you don't want to have all your assets tied to an alcoholic.

Ah, you're right, OP says "been together three years".

I agree, move the money just to be on the safe side. If the purchase isn't going through, use the excuse of wanting to earn interest on it and put it in a savings account in your own name.

DP needs to understand that it is not fair on you to create that sort of mess and expect you to clear it up. Ask him to hire a professional carpet cleaner and get him to wash and paint the hallway.

If he can stick to his word and not drink all well and good, but he may not be able to see it through.

I will try to answer as many questions as I can-

He says he went out last night as it was a pre-arranged meal for his work leaving do. That much is true- we were supposed to be going together but I cancelled the babysitter as I didn't want to go anywhere with him. Last night was meant to be his "big night out" and he ended up going out of Friday as his boss called and said he wasn't going to make the night out on Saturday but wanted to buy him a few drinks.

Yoni it's just this particular behaviour that I am at breaking point with. Ironically the rest of our relationship is pretty much perfect- people are always telling me how lucky I am.

On a practical level- can anyone tell me how I change the tenancy for the purchase of the house? We just agreed to split it. 50:50 but now I need to change it to being mine. Is this easy to do?

Unfortunately we already have an appointment with the solicitor to exchange contracts this week. I'm going to have to sort things quickly.

He starts a new job this week, it's far from where we are currently living. Going to suggest he stays with one of his friends (who happens to be looking for a house mate)

So he actually managed to sabotage his own leaving do? I think that really does highlight the extent of his problem.

If you ask your house question on Legal Matters, someone should be able to help, but I think it's going to be very tight to have the changes put in place and still exchange next week. Is the mortgage in your name?

Is the new house where his new job is?