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Original poster

Partner a bit depressed and low..how to deal?

72 replies

Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 11:19

My partner of 18 months has suddenly gone distant. It's like hugging a brick.
He's got a lot on at the moment, but in the past we've helped each other through. Our relationship has gone from one of great passion and total in love with each other to him shutting me out.part of me wants to just tell him to do one, but I do love him and I believe he loves me.
How do I give him space, as ill missnot talking to him, but after coming out of a emotionless relationship myself 2 years ago, I'm not willing to settle for the same.
I'm really upset as when things are good between us it's amazing. I'm just not sure how to deal with this moody man.
Any advice without totally throwing the towel in?

OP posts:
Offred · 14/09/2013 11:23

I think you need to talk to him and ask him what is going on rather than guessing.

This is quite a short relationship in the scale of things, not sure it should be quite so much hard work really and your instinct is probably correct about not sacrificing yourself to a moody man again.

Redoubtable · 14/09/2013 11:27

Ask him.

If he's finding things tough at the moment, then talking it out is a good strategy (a problem shared and all that). If he doesnt want to talk it through, would he write it out?

If no clear response or improvement is forthcoming, then I would give him the space he appears to need - by which I mean, I would tell him to call me when he's over it.

ANY attempt to blame you for his lack of responsiveness would be a sign for me to move on.

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 11:32

He says nothing. But I know he's struggling with grief from a bereavement last year, plus issues around his divorce which is imminent.
Due to our children, we can only see each other every fortnight, which makes it difficult- but we used to text loads in between, which helped keep us in each others lives. Now we are lucky to txt a few times a day( at his instigation)
I don't know whether to say lets have a break for a couple of months. I'd rather go no contact than looking every hour to see if he's messaged.
If he wants me he will come back - ?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 11:50

My view on this kind of stuff is that, if the person thinks it's OK to be a miserable bastard, moody, shut you out and not even do you the courtesy of giving you an explanation or an apology then you give them a wide berth. His happiness is not your responsibility.... your happiness is. If he's bringing you down, take a rain-check.

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 12:59

Thanks cogito. I know I will be lonely without him and I want the relationship back as it was.
I don't want to that needy one, yet don't wanted to be treated this way.
Like for example, last weekend he came round, after not having seen each other for a couple of weeks, we had an ok time, went to bed- he left at 2am saying he couldn't sleep... And went back to his own place. That made me feel awful.
On top of all this I have fallen out with my mum - who is interfering and too much - now I just feel alone with my kids and a bit sad.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 13:05

Really... wide berth. Not surprised you feel awful if he's running out on you at 2am. Hmm Can't sleep, my arse. Lonely sucks but being used sucks worse IME...

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 13:13

I know I know:( I just don't think he has space in his head for me at the minute.
His divorce has been awful, but hopefully coming to a close. I thought he'd be ecstatic but I think he's been running on adrenaline and now he's slumped.
Last night we were planning to go out for dinner tonight, this morning when I said shall I book it? He said no, he didn't feel like it. Ok I said, shall I cook? No he said, we can just get take out... I'm thinking he's not committing to come round tonight, feel such a tool for waiting to see if he is or not....
I left my husband because we were more like flat mates than partners, I don't want another relationship with no passion.
I need to txt don't I and say have some space.... Ring me if you want to come back?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 13:16

Personally I'd keep your counsel and not contact him at all. I'm sure you've got plenty of other things to be getting on with, a few problems & concerns of your own.... and is he offering to support you with those? This is when you realise what you've got is a 'boyfriend' rather than a 'partner'.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 13:24

OP - how would you want him to react to you, if you had depression?
Depression is tough to comprehend if you haven't experienced it yourself. Feeling as though killing yourself would be a better option than living, will make you detach from real life. I would suggest you seek medical help. Then if you feel you can't deal with the illness after that then you will have a clearer view of what to do.

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 13:26

Treen, I'm not the one who's depressed.

OP posts:
Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 13:31

Struggling - I know. I was trying to see what you would expect if the situation was reversed.
What would you expect?

mrspaddy · 14/09/2013 13:32

Hi OP,

I wouldn't contact him at the moment until he contacts you first. It is very early days to have this problem and I know what you mean about not having to live through his depression.. especially when you have already been there.

I think at this stage the passion does go into a more comfy state - comfy but happy. I don't think this is that though.

I would tell him.. you need space. Your mother is a different case... I don't know what to advise there except to tell her nothing.. I have to do that!!!

Treen perhaps mean he needs medical help- I assume??? So maybe advise him to get help but let him know you are there for him but can't take all his problems on.

Maybe that is harsh though.. but probably what I would do.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 13:34

Sorry, I was unclear. I meant 'you should seek medical help', as in 'you' as a couple.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 13:36

Treen... if this man has depression or personal problems he should do things like see a doctor, talk to the OP, apologise for his current distant behaviour and ask for her support or patience in seeing it through. None of that is happening - he's just detaching, giving no explanation, and (I'm guessing) making the OP wonder if they've done something wrong. There's no excuse for that.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 13:38

Cog - I don't think you understand depression. It's not all that easy. If you can function with depression, why diagnose it at all

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 13:52

Ok, when I say depression I mean maybe he's a bit low. I'm not sure.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 13:54

I understand depression very well. This man may or may not be depressed. But that's actually rather irrelevant. He's making the OP unhappy, shutting her out, running out on her at 2am and giving her the silent treatment between visits. She can't do anything to materially change someone else's mood, she's not getting any explanations and the question on the table (I think) is how far - if at all - should a girlfriend (not married, no kids, no obligations) tolerate this kind of treatment?

There are other, more cheerful, fish in the sea.

motherinferior · 14/09/2013 13:57

Agree with Cogito. And yes, I've had depression.

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 13:58

Exactly cogito.
It's meant to be our weekend together and he's just txt to say he wants an early night at home.
Go figure.
I do really believe he loves me but I've slipped down his priority list.

OP posts:
Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 13:58

Struggling - that is your observation. I would seek medical support and diagnosis. It's hard to observe the brain. He may be seriously medically depressed. If he shuts down, he won't ask for help or tell you his inner feelings.
It is a very serious illness, the brain is the most powerful thing we have and a disease of that needs ruling out or treatment.
If you were seriously ill, what would you expect from him?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 14:02

Oh stop with the guilt-tripping Treen. The type of man IM(limited)E that leaps from a bed and races home at 2am is usually someone who is supposed to be somewhere else Hmm

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 14:04

My mum had dementia it seriously impacted my life and at times made my life worse. I stood by her, there was unconditional love involved. I suppose the question is do you think the relationship is worth sticking around for? Do you have it in you to help? Or do you want out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 14:09

The OP hasn't been given the opportunity to help. I don't think this man and your mother are at all comparable.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 14:13

Cog - then seek medical help. It isn't like a broken arm, it can take decades for people to seek help. I'd try and push him towards that. I would also use medical help for advise.

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 14:15

I want to help. But I guess it's his call. He's done this once before, and come back to me. But where I am in my own head leaves me limiter energy to help.
I guess I just let him go sulk

OP posts: