Partner a bit depressed and low..how to deal?

[Strugglingtocopejustnow]

My partner of 18 months has suddenly gone distant. It's like hugging a brick.
He's got a lot on at the moment, but in the past we've helped each other through. Our relationship has gone from one of great passion and total in love with each other to him shutting me out.part of me wants to just tell him to do one, but I do love him and I believe he loves me.
How do I give him space, as ill missnot talking to him, but after coming out of a emotionless relationship myself 2 years ago, I'm not willing to settle for the same.
I'm really upset as when things are good between us it's amazing. I'm just not sure how to deal with this moody man.
Any advice without totally throwing the towel in?

Good luck struggling and don't be frightened to make yourself top priority

Cog - sorry about that. Don't let it affect your mood. Your friends might drop you if you do.

Cog you're not being cold you're being sensible. I have had depression, and sought help for myself, not for anyone else's benefit or peace of mind. I've also been with someone who was depressed. You can be depressed without treating others like shit or expecting them to fix you or put up with your crap while you get help. You can ask them to be a little more patient or understanding but it really seems like this bloke is saying 'tough titty if you don't like it'
That's no way to treat anyone.

What hurts things that go bump is just that- he's not asked for space or said sorry he's feeling like crap. If he did I'd gladly give him space, it's just I don't know where I stand.
I don't know whether to keep chatting to him with minimal response, or leave him be- but maybe he'd perceive that as I don't care about him, when I do....

Treen - you've got to accept other people's opinions on here without getting ratty and personal.

Keep - it was a joke about cogs previous posts.

He doesn't sound very thoughtful then, granted you don't always know when you're being a nob but most of the time you do, and nothing wrong with apologising for being a bit of a shit or accepting you're not exactly being fair towards your partner, it sounds like he knows how to share problems with you and face them together as in the op you say you normally face things as a couple. It may well be he's been running on a high 'must do this, got to get through' and now he's crashed.. No excuse, he owes you the courtesy of explaining, or letting you know what's going on, doesn't seem to have communication problems, so IMO he's being an inconsiderate nob whether depressed or not.

OP... leave him be. If you keep chatting and getting nothing back you'll feel even more rejected than you already do. He doesn't want to spend time with you anyway so giving him some space won't be perceived as not caring. Put it this way, I doubt he's on a message board agonising about any of this.

Lol cog. I just text him to let him know I would be here if he needed but I wouldn't be contacting again. It's funny how the small stuff suddenly gets massive when you've nothing else to think about. Now I'm left with a weekend on my own with no kids. Not ideal. But better than trying to help someone who won't let me. Lets see what happens eh?
Thanks again

Struggling I think your text and then reassessing in a month or so sounds like an excellent plan.

Sorry this is so shit for you and your boyfriend.

Do prioritise yourself. You can't fix anyone even if they would let you and you're likely to drag yourself down trying.

Well done for putting it that clearly. Takes courage but I think it helps your self-respect to set your standard. I don't think it's 'small stuff' either btw. You don't sound the needy/clingy sort and this kind of thing makes you ask yourself whether you're as important in his life as he is becoming in yours. Do you have any mates you could hook up with over the weekend?

Struggling - if this was a boyfriend writing that his girlfriend was suffering with grief and an impending divorce - two of the biggest upheavals in anyones life - and he was a little bit put out that she was emotionally unavailable, then everyone on here would be coming down on him like a ton of bricks.
He sounds like he is going through an extremely tough time and doesn't know how to communicate his feelings to you. I would suggest he needs all the support you feel able to give him, encourage him to seek outside support and he will come through the other side.

Possibly re- mates. I separated a couple of years ago and relocated. My kids are older primary school, which means I don't get to see the mums much at their new schools.
It's hard to meet new people when you are single and with your kids most of the time, plus working. My work is 30 miles away so there's not much opportunity to socialise with people from work. Most of my kid free time has been spent with partner, so I'm feeling the loss keenly.
I do need to put myself first - and stop beating myself up about this. I can't change him, only how I respond.
Maybe he will reconnect, maybe he won't. We can't see each other now till end October, so that's a good timeframe I think to see how he responds.

But he is not letting him support her Silly, he is shutting her out.

Sillysarah49... that's a ridiculous generalisation and it's also untrue. Doesn't know how to communicate his feelings?... The OP states at the outset that they have previously worked through problems together so he's had no problem with communication up to now.

"Most of my kid free time has been spent with partner, so I'm feeling the loss keenly."

As a fellow single parent I know how lonely it can get. Also how difficult it is to meet people (of any gender) who aren't already paired up or members of established friendship groups. Finding something to do so that you're not sitting there like a meerkat, twitching every time your phone buzzes, is a challenge. Do you have anyone you could talk to on the phone? Got a really long box-set of DVDs? (straw clutching now)

Cogito - but he wasn't suffering from depression then. As someone who was suffered with depression for several years, it becomes very difficult to open up to those closest to you. Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone outside the relationship such as a therapist who has objectivity and isn't going to take any comments as a personal affront against them which can and does happen.

So let him talk to a therapist.... doesn't help the OP right this minute, does it?

Silly - I think the basis is that you only have depression once it has been diagnosed. Or you can't have drepression if you are undiagnosed.

Damn right you only have depression once it's been diagnosed. The OP is not a doctor and they can't diagnose depression any more than a bunch of strangers on the internet. He may have some symptoms consistent with depression but that's not the same thing at all. He's distant, uncommunicative, doesn't want to be with her, makes excuses to go home .... are we handing out the ADs yet or could there be other things going on?

And the point you keep missing is that, even if he is depressed, the OP is under no obligation to be on the receiving end of it....

Exactly why I txt.

And for the record- I'm going out with a girlfriend tonight so am unavailable should he suddenly decide he requires me.
I have had a response from him but not answering any of my questions about does he want space. Just trying to tell me where his heads at. As I thought- on a comedown after the stress of his divorce. Plus he tried to blame me a bit as earlier this week I kind of said I wouldn't be used as a twice monthly plaything.. I needed interaction In between.
Maybe it's going nowhere but I'll give him space and see.