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Original poster

Partner a bit depressed and low..how to deal?

72 replies

Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 11:19

My partner of 18 months has suddenly gone distant. It's like hugging a brick.
He's got a lot on at the moment, but in the past we've helped each other through. Our relationship has gone from one of great passion and total in love with each other to him shutting me out.part of me wants to just tell him to do one, but I do love him and I believe he loves me.
How do I give him space, as ill missnot talking to him, but after coming out of a emotionless relationship myself 2 years ago, I'm not willing to settle for the same.
I'm really upset as when things are good between us it's amazing. I'm just not sure how to deal with this moody man.
Any advice without totally throwing the towel in?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 14:17

You're doing the right thing Struggling. It's a truism but you can't help someone if they don't want to be helped. Don't be anyone's 'pick up and put down' girl... i.e. make good use of your time rather than waiting for him to decide you're worth the bother.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 14:20

Struggling - why not come to that conclusion after medical help? If it can be treated, then great. If there is no illness, then you have a clearer picture of the relationship.

Depression is not sulking. I don't know people anyone that has killed themselves through sulking.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 14:21

Cog - what if he is unaware he needs help?

eurochick · 14/09/2013 14:30

Cog I think you are being remarkably unsympathetic. The pill makes me depressed and very difficult to live with. I become selfish and withdraw into myself. I also lose my libido completely. I recognise the description of this man in the OP. Luckily I can stop taking the pill and revert to normal. It doesn't sound like he's choosing to be miserable. It sounds like he IS miserable.

"Friends" did move away from me when I was depressed. If you love this man then support him in seeking help. If you don't want anything to do with it then walk away and hope someone else helps.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 14:37

I am being intensely sympathetic to the OP. I get fed up with the school of thought that says if a man is a bit down, it's the woman's job to make him happy, drive him to the doctor, mop his fevered brow etc. What everyone's missing is that this is a pretty recent development. In the past they have 'helped each other through' problems but now he's rejecting her... not wanting to spend time together, not communicating, running out of her bed at 2am. If there were no bereavement and no divorce case a very plausible explanation would be that he wants to end things but is reluctant to say it out loud.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2013 14:38

It sounds to me like he is not and was actually never fully ready emotionally to embark on a relationship. Also he is not as yet divorced. He is perhaps another "Mr Emotionally Unavailable".

ScumbagCollegeDropout · 14/09/2013 14:42

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP.
If it is depression he should seek professional help.

My bf has Bipolar and is currently in a low swing. The first since we have been together. I must admit the when the constant texting dropped off I was at a loss but I am aware it is a sign of the depression. He still texts but it isn't as constant as it was. I do text him every now and then to ask how how he is going. Just so he know that I am there if he is need of a chat. And that he hopefully knows I am thinking of him. And I have had the leaving in the middle of the night because he can't sleep. Just the once mind. And I know he needed to leave.

All I can say is if it is depression and you think you can be there for him, make him aware so he knows he can come to you if he needs help.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 14:45

Cog - he's had a major trauma in his life. It sounds like his change in mood has coincided with this. It sounds like he is depressed and needs medical help.
If I left a partner because they were snappy, always had headaches, were always down, didn't want to go out, had low energy, etc. then it turned out that they had a brain tuma (for example) I would feel awful. My life maybe easier without them. I may meet someone else but I'd still feel awful.
There is no obligation to help or stick around but I would say that doing so is part of a healthy relationship

ScumbagCollegeDropout · 14/09/2013 14:46

And by help I mean being supportive and pointing him in the right direction for professional help.

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 14:48

Don't assume he's depressed.

It may be that he's got someone else (the leaving at 2am is suspicious) or is just not that into you any more.

I'd busy yourself with other things in your life and set a time-limit in how long you're prepared to tolerate this for.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 14:52

Lizza - why not find out whether he has depression? What is wrong with that?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 14:53

"then it turned out that they had a brain tuma (for example) I would feel awful"

You can't waste your life on someone that doesn't want to be helped. Feeling awful is just a risk we all take.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 14:58

Cog - you are cold. Are you in a relationship?
As far as I'm aware, he hasn't said he doesn't want help. He may need help finding it. I wouldn't class it as a waste of life either. It's just a life.

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 15:00

Interesting thoughts everyone thanks.
Knowing him- I'd say he's overloaded emotionally and has crashed down. It's coming up to the anniversary of the bereavement and he's just signed most of his capital away to his ex. He's understandably low. But in the past we've got through it by supporting each other.
I'm 100% certain there's no one else.
I'm also pretty certain it's not depression that needs medical help.
What has happened is we have gone from a totally loved up relationship to -well I don't know what.
I think the best thing I can do is tell him I'm here if he wants, leave its month or so and see where we are.
But I need to leave it to him without taking the hump. How to put that in a txt?

OP posts:
Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 15:05

OP - good luck with what ever you decide to do after a month, hope it all works out.
You don't think it's depression, I'd get a professional opinion. You say you stick together and work things through, may be that is the answer.
I'd try and say that face to face rather than in a text.

All the best

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 15:08

"Cog - you are cold."

Gee thanks a lot Hmm. However, you've made your mind up that it's depression or a brain tuma (sic) and that it's the OP's job to fix him. I don't agree.

OP.... tell him that you're sorry he's so distant, that you're there if he needs support but that you're going to leave him to his own devices for now because you feel excluded and are not prepared to subject yourself to more of the same.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 15:17

Cog - I've said it could be. Why not seek a professional opinion to see if it is. Then treatment if so.
The 'brain tuma' was an example to make it a physical illness. It seems that depression gets down played because you can't fix it with cast or physically see it. You imply it would be sick to leave someone with a brain tuma and not with depression. This is where attitudes to the illness must be changed.
The OP hasn't said what she would expect from her partner if she had depression?
There's one way to find out if it is! Go to the GP?

motherinferior · 14/09/2013 15:18

I too get v fed up with this idea it's a woman's job to 'fix' her man, and/or Stand By Him.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 15:20

Cog - at no point have I said its her job to fix him. It's her choice to do whatever she wants.
If it is his mood and withdrawal that is affecting the relationship then do you want to try 'fix' the relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 15:21

"Why not seek a professional opinion to see if it is."

Because the only person who can seek a professional opinion is the boyfriend, not the OP. She can suggest it... maybe has, who knows?.. but that's as far as it goes. You seem to be struggling with that concept.

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 15:22

Mother - it's the role of both members of a relationship to help each other. If you don't want to then don't have th relationship

Treen44444 · 14/09/2013 15:25

Cog - you really don't understand depression!!!!
I didn't think you did, but I thought you might have some understanding.
What are the symptoms? And which ones do you think a person with it should identify and visit a doctor?

motherinferior · 14/09/2013 15:27

No, I don't think my role is necessarily to help my partner. I am (reasonably) supportive of him, but no I don't think it's my job to sort him. I can say "look, I really think you should go to the GP as I'm sorry, I'm finding your behaviour totally unacceptable if there is no medical reason for it", but that's about it.

I don't really think in terms of Relationships as some sort of entity in themselves, like a chained puma in the corner that you have to keep fed and watered.

Original poster
Strugglingtocopejustnow · 14/09/2013 15:28

He went to the GP 6 months or so ago when this happened then. She said exhaustion.
If I had depression or low mood- I think I would want him to stand with me. But never being in This position it's hard to know what I would expect or want.
I might call around to his later and explain what cog said.
Thank you everyone

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 15:30

"Cog - you really don't understand depression!!!"

You're starting to annoy me.