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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying to survive with an "under responsible" partner.

22 replies

Yakky · 13/09/2013 22:04

I have recently read a book that highlights unresponsible partners. Unfortunately, it hit all the buttons with me as I realise I am unfortunate to be living with one.
Anyone else find themselves in this situation, and how do you cope?
Am finding it really hard and tiring atm.

OP posts:

AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou · 13/09/2013 22:08

what are the signs of this can I ask

Original poster

Yakky · 13/09/2013 22:21

Well the initial example I read was that one person (the father) asked his wife what present to buy for their DCs birthday. Now, I know this may sound unimportant, but, as was pointed out to me, the father had no idea what to buy his Dc simply because he had never taken an interest in their likes and dislikes. So every birthday, it was left to the mother to decide.
To me this was a lightbulb moment. I realised that EVERY part of our DCs lives was "my job". From choosing and buying their clothes, to getting them into bed every night.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 13/09/2013 22:53

The other side to that is that the Father just wants to check that he has not got the same present as the Mother has already bought.

I am the Mother and I check with DH about presents, to canvass his opinion . . . I don't see anything wrong with that. I think it's a poor example TBH.

I DO feel frustrated, however, when DH takes the DC out and says "Do you think he will need his coat?" One of these days I will reply: "I dunno, DH, perhaps you ought to ask one of his parents."

Original poster

Yakky · 13/09/2013 23:01

Not just about presents though. Its everything. almost as though they have to be told to do the most basic things.
Tonight I was in the shower. DC3 came into the bathroom and said he was thirsty and wanted a drink. I told him to ask his dad for one. DS replied that "dad is busy watching the tv".
So he sat waiting for me to get out of the shower as he knows asking his dad to get him one will result in "yeah, in a minute", blah, blah, blah.
Drives me insane.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 00:08

You needed a book to realise your dh is a lazy arse unresponsible parent?

Bumpstarter · 14/09/2013 00:20

Fairenuff. Not a particularly helpful comment, eh?

What book, can I ask?

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 00:25

Well if she's living with him and even her child knows not to ask for anything because he won't do it, I'm surprised that she needs a book to point out that he is pretty feckless.

How long have you been living together OP?

VerySmallSqueak · 14/09/2013 00:29

It's partly getting the kids to ask their dad regardless of what he's doing,for one thing. Then following it up with a 'request' for him to do it for them as you're busy doing something else.
I reckon you could develop a new 'habit' with him and them.
Of course a bit of a 'discussion' ,if not already done,wouldn't go amiss.

For sure he's making the most of this,but I'm sensing you want to sort it out not get a LTB!

AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou · 14/09/2013 08:02

I don't think it's necessarily lazy, its abit like indecisiveness, my dp will say "what shall I make him for his dinner?" when I'm at work..."erm I don't no use your brain" or "what is he wearing today?", or "how many bottles shall I make?"

JUST USE SOME BASTARDING INITIATIVE.

that's what I usually end up saying.

Original poster

Yakky · 14/09/2013 08:54

Sorry Didn't make it clear. We are technically separated but due to finances live in same property.
He seems to see this as a reason to not do anything. It was pretty bad when we were "together" but he does even less now.
Another example...last week we broke down in the car and he refused to help when I phoned him just left it to me to sort out and pay for. I think he should have helped if not for me then for his DCs who were in the car with me.
Then he has the gall to complain that there are no chocolate biscuits in the house.
It just seems like he's resigned his position as a parent.

OP posts:

calmingtea · 14/09/2013 08:58

You need to live separately from him, he has no incentive to be an adult in your home, and is behaving unacceptably. As long as you are under the same roof, finances or not, you are agreeing to him treating you and the children like this. He is showing you no respect.

WithConfidence · 14/09/2013 09:03

Jeepers, the cost of splitting up is you have to do everything yourself, the benefit is not having to put up with this crap. Even if you are financially worse off, it's better than this.

What example is this setting for your children?

calmingtea · 14/09/2013 09:03

FWIW I was in this situation for years. Luckily once the relationship was over, he left immediately, and although that had huge financial impacts on me I am still realising 2 years on how immensely negatively living with a man like that affected me. Behaviour like that is IMO abusive, you end up tiptoeing around them and putting up with the drip drip drip torture of their stinking attitude. And as long as you allow it, it will continue. It is about his feeling of entitlement and control over you.

Original poster

Yakky · 14/09/2013 09:12

We have no choice but to live in same house until it's sold, which is looking pretty hopeless in the current climate.
I wanted it be a amicable for the DCs sake and not to slide into petty tit for tat but he won't even take them to school in his car whilst the car is in the garage being fixed. This leaves me having to she'll out fir taxis as there's no bus route and they go to different schools.
This pettiness is what I wanted to avoid but he has just stepped away from his parental respibsibilities completely.

OP posts:

SanityClause · 14/09/2013 09:13

This "separation" is not working. He needs to move out, and you can both get on with your lives.

Perhaps you could suggest to him how awkward it will be for him if he meets someone else. How will he explain that you live together, but are not actually together? Make it into a benefit for him.

In the meantime, find out your financial position for when he does. Can you afford to live in the house, with the children? If not, perhaps you could move out into a more affordable place, and leave him to sort out where you are currently. (Obviously, if you own the property, there will be a different process to renting, but whatever it is, just get on with it!)

SanityClause · 14/09/2013 09:18

Okay, x posted.

Can you and the children move out to a rented property, and he can get in lodgers to help pay for the property costs?

Once you are properly separated, you will be probably be eligible for assistance with housing, etc. You really need to start thinking of your family unit without him, because he sure as hell does!

wanderings · 14/09/2013 09:28

I agree with BalloonSlayer.

I do think that some of these, such as "do you think he will need his coat?" are bad examples to use as "under responsible" parenting.

When someone asks that question, it's highly possible that they have made the decision already; they just want it to be "seconded".

Some people like to be "consulted" a lot; when one parents asks the other "do you think he will need his coat", they are "consulting" the other parent.

Or it could be that one parent likes making decisions, and the other doesn't. Such parents are working as a team, if they consult each other.

VerySmallSqueak · 14/09/2013 11:15

So I misread that spectacularly!

If you really can't live separately yet, I honestly think you are better off just getting on with stuff like he's invisible.I think you'll be pissing in the wind trying to change things as without his willingness to do so it's clearly not going to happen.Try not to let it wind you up,take help from anyone else you can,and keep telling yourself it's not forever.

And at the very first opportunity,even if you have to take a financial hit,get away from this situation.

I would quite honestly forget the finances in this situation and split if the relationship is over, as life is too short to live like this. But I don't really have anything material worth holding on to. Everyone's priorities are different,and you need to ask yourself whether you really are compelled to stay because of the finances,or whether you are going to cut free.

Good luck and don't let this grind you down.

Original poster

Yakky · 14/09/2013 11:21

I think I'm going to have to grit my teeth & follow VerySmallSqueaks advice & get on with it like he's invisible. I just wanted us to act responsibly in front of the DCs not for me to lose a husband and gain another child!

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 11:57

This says it all really. Have you taken any legal advice yet? Are you married?

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 11:58

Ah, sorry I see from your post above that you are married. It may be possible to get a court order for him to leave the house. You should see a solicitor asap.

In the meantime, are you still washing his clothes, cooking his meals, etc? If so, you are not separated. This should stop immediately. Just look after yourself and the dcs and leave him to sort himself out.

EachAndEveryHighway · 14/09/2013 12:22

How much is the mortgage? Are you a SAHM or do you work?
If he moves out, you can put in a new tax credit claim. You will also be entitled to maintenance from him immediately, not just when the divorce comes through.

If you do some adding up, you might be surprised. You might be able to afford the mortgage if he moved out. Or as somebody else said, maybe get in a lodger, in the short term until the house sold.

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