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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What on earth do I say?

26 replies

mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 20:33

Planned a cosy night in with my new bf (I have been seeing him once or twice a week over the summer as it is difficult to see each other more frequently as I have a 2 year old DD and work full time).

Anyway we had a glass of wine over dinner and he told me that the friend who visited him a few weeks ago was actually an on off ex girlfriend and that she was shocked to find out he was seeing me and that she still loved him. He then said he had tried a relationship on three occasions with her since 2008 and that it had always ended when she had a meltdown. He told me he did love her but not on 'that' level. They both posted an album of her visit (she lives 200 miles away) on facebook and they look like a couple having a great time with his family. He just said that it wasn't real life and that she was a good time girl.

I have tonight to think about what I am going to say too him tomorrow...should I ignore the very uneasy feeling I have or should I suggest a break so He can go and find out how he really feels about her?

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 13/09/2013 20:35

run
run away
run away fast

Original poster
mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 20:38

Thanks miss strawberry I should listen to my gut feeling I think and take a break! x

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 13/09/2013 21:02

From him make it one for good.

Practicingtwinkletwinkle · 13/09/2013 21:07

Shock Oh dear, agree with above poster: run away fast! Don't waste your precious time and energy on him. Life is too short.

youvegotmail · 13/09/2013 21:10

No no no no no. No. Just no.

Leave.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 21:15

Mmmmm reality is hitting home.....got that horrible sinking feeling. I was really hopeful that this was different after all the crappy treatment I've had! My mum thinks he is ok as at least he has been honest....I am just sitting here feeling very second best.

OP posts:
cece · 13/09/2013 21:16

Do not go there.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2013 21:18

I wouldn't see him tomorrow. I'd tell him I was meeting up with an ex.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 21:23

Very funny Imperial! I am sure if I had told him I still loved DD's father and he loved me and we had spent last weekend together ....it would just sound odd!!

OP posts:
dedado · 13/09/2013 21:24

From the facts you've written, it sounds like he could be leading her on.

they'd arranged to spend the weekend together
this included spending time with his family
she didn't know he was seeing anyone else

I think you should run , sorry .

pictish · 13/09/2013 21:32

Bolt.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 21:35

There is something very off about it all.....dedado! Apparently it was a last minute decision for her to visit as she didn't have to work. However he wasn't up front with me about exactly who was visiting until I texted him to meet me and my friends in town and I met her then....he did bring her with him. He told me after the weekend that she got together with his friend over the weekend but has since changed her mind about him. Very Confused

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 13/09/2013 21:40

OP, please back away.

I was in exactly the same situation as you, I tried to be cool girlfriend who 'wasn't bothered' and trusted him, because it was "over between them" and they were "just friends". Yes, you guessed it he shagged her.

Run
Run
And fast.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 21:51

Ok well that is pretty open and shut. It was my first attempt at a relationship since DD's father ran away when I was pregnant. I have been on about 14 first dates but this the first time I really felt I could move forward with someone. I don't feel that way tonight. At least I can let my legs go hairy and get my comfy underwear out again. I think I am going to give men a wide berth for a while! x

OP posts:
WhiteandGreen · 13/09/2013 21:55

If you enjoy his company you could always 'go out' with him for a while, without investing too much in ideas of a future together. But only if you think you're likely to be able to maintain that level of detachment. They don't all have to be 'keepers'.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 22:09

Thanks whiteandgreen I suppose I might feel able to do that if I was on my own but my DD has met him a few times and he has been really lovely with her. I suppose I just got carried away as he seemed very family orientated until the ex thing happened. I am very happy with DD and wish I could just relax and stop trying to meet someone.

OP posts:
dedado · 13/09/2013 22:21

Whatever is our isn't happening with his ex, he's sending you mixed signals which suggests to me that he may be the type to love the one he's with, out of sight out of mind etc. Nothing personal about you, that's just him.

Unless you feel the same, I think he could do your self-confidence a bit of damage.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 22:28

I think that if he was at all worried about my reaction to what he said last night he might have phoned me to discuss it ahead of the day trip we are supposed to go on tomorrow. He either didn't realise I was upset or doesn't care both scenario's suggest he just isn't that into me Sad

OP posts:
WhiteandGreen · 13/09/2013 22:49

Or he really isn't thinking about being with her in the future.

If you think you might fall in love with him I'd probably steer clear. And yes, DC do complicate this situation, a lot.

dedado · 13/09/2013 22:51

I'd rewrite "he just isn't into me" as "he's just not right for me". He's not a prize that you win if you're good enough.

WhiteandGreen · 13/09/2013 22:56

Yes, I like the phrase 'Mr. Right for somebody else'.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2013 22:58

Oh, cool! The Mind Game Player. I've had a few of those. They aren't even worth it for a shag.

DTMFA.

Coconutty · 13/09/2013 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 13/09/2013 23:07

okay good advice! I am definitely not looking for a fling but a serious long term relationship with someone who is committed to me and my daughter and who would do anything to avoid hurting us. We have both been through enough to let someone who is so thoughtless into our lives. I am going away for a week with my wee girl and I will use the time to get over this brief encounter with someone very charming but also very thoughtless x

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 13/09/2013 23:17

From what you have said, I think it's for the best OP.

Enjoy your time away Smile

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